We all deserve closure [TW, CW]

It had been such a long day, she had been running down the streets chasing some guy for the police, when had she become some lowlife bounty hunter? Oh right, because some from her old work had called her and called in an old favor, and instead of coming home and being able to eat dinner with Zadkiel, she had been out for the longer part of the afternoon and was passing towards when he would normally turn in for the night. But there was a change that he would still be up, even though he hadn’t returned the last of her messages, four of them so far and one missed call. She looked down at the screen looking if he had even read them, as a man called her name and gave her the takeout she had ordered. With a soft smile she ran towards her car and sat in, drenched she just wanted to get home, eat, have a glass of wine and then maybe a very long bath.

She parked the car in the sheltered garage at the apartment complex, as she opened the door new smells entered her nose and her brows pressed together not really taking any note of it. It was only when she found her keys and was about to open the door that the smell hit her again this time stronger. Did Zadkiel have company? A smile formed on her lips, she hoped he did as it had been too long since he had seen anyone other than the family and she had been so worried that he was just closing himself off.

But as she slowly opened the door her brows pressed together in confusion, why was everything dark? His smell and this other person were still strong, so they had to be here, right? She took of her shoes of, and slowly walked around the entrée way to the kitchen that was opened up with the dining room and living room. And there on the sofa, she could see as bright as day her boyfriend lying with another person in his arms. It was like a slap in the face and so many scenarios glided through her mind as she dropped the big brown bag on floor. “Crap” she hissed as soda and food spilled all over the floor. “What the hell” she didn’t even know what she should do, wake them up, demand an explanation, what? She had never been in such a situation before, and to be quite frankly she was not very happy that she had been put in it.

I should probably drive you home, befo- she took in a sharp breath, before what? Before she came home? Her eyes narrowed and if she had a beating heart it might have skipped a few beats. What the hell was this? What the hell was this?
“Hey” she said with a slow breath and clenched her fists, she didn’t like people coming home here without her knowing. She didn’t like having routines altered without her getting noticed first or having guest over without Zadkiel telling her. But she could look past that, because she knew he needed to have friends by him, and sometimes people didn’t ask they just did what they felt in the moment.

“Noa” she said not remembering the name had been mention before, and it only made her feel more inadequate, she didn’t even know anyone else in his life other than his family, did she? Why? Because this was maybe not a friend or?
“What?” she pressed her brows together and then shortly her lips in a slight fine line and then Zadkiel dropped some kind of bomb; “Shooting you?! I’m sorry, what the hell is going on here? I haven’t heard from you all day, I come home to a dark apartment, and you a lying in the sofa with a woman I have no idea who is, and your presentation of her, is that she once shot you? What kind of sick joke is this?” she looked over to the woman and saw how she looked like a person that had been crying. You could see it in the small puffy cheeks and her slight raised eyelids.

He could really feel how much he had been saying all the wrong things. She didn’t even greet him with a nickname. Zadkiel had never spoken of Noa, because he had wished to live a life without the thought of her. He had been scared and had been afraid of what could’ve happened if he had sought her out. Besides that, time had flown way too fast.
He wanted so save the awful thing he had said. Pack it away and throw it far, far away. He could feel how Noa looked at him with just as much disbelief as Letha. He had really fucked up with his words. Letha started asking questions and he could almost feel how things were crumbling. He got up from the sofa, stumbling a bit on his toes, being slightly tired from waking up from the way too many hours long nap. He started approaching his girlfriend, “Letha, please,” - “Darling. I'm terribly sorry that you didn't hear from me” he tried to get a chance to speak through all of the questions she asked. Maybe I should get going. He looked over at his shoulder to see how Noa was getting her stuff, “Yes– I mean, Howie is probably worried,” he said frowning a bit before he let Letha get his full attention again. Letha should know that Howie was one of Zadkiels closest friends – if not best friend. Zadkiel didn’t want to throw Noa out as if the building was burning, but it certainly felt like that.
“I didn’t mean to present her like that – I,” he stumbled a bit on his words. Opening up was a difficult thing in general, “She was my girlfriend once,” he explained “Six years ago” he added. It had been just before Letha got introduced to the Nelsons. The first long while Zadkiel had been in a hospital, recovering from something she hadn’t been told – because back then it hadn’t been her problem. Hopefully, Letha could remember the first night at Zadkiels parents’ home where he had told her he had never really been in a relationship. Because even though Noa and Zadkiel had been holding hands and what not, they had never really been intimate. “It’s really complicated,” he said looking quite miserable. He wanted to keep Noa in a good company until Howard picked her up, but he also wished to reassure Letha that everything was alright.

She didn’t know how to act or behave; she had never been in such a position before. She felt wrong, and she felt how something awful was grabbing her stomach and squeezing it. Nausea building and an overwhelming feeling of just running out of the apartment.
Didn’t really help did it? Him not answering and then saying that he should get her home before she came home, none of this made sense!
Then he turned his attention back to this, Noa, and talked about a whole other person he had never mention. Howie? It felt like her entire world just blew up and she was standing in the burning ashes while she tried to figure out what was what, and just realized how little Zadkiel shared with her, and somehow that hurt her more than the thought of him cheating, she thought until he said she had been his girlfriend. “But you said you didn’t have any relationships before” or he had said not really, but it still - he lied? Why? She didn’t see the gesture as being the very fact that it might not have been very serious but lying on the couch with one’s ex-girlfriend after she had been crying. That apparently shot him, and now wanted to apologize. Just the thought of it being reverse and it had been herself lying there with Killian, just, no nothing felt right, nothing – felt – right.

“Yeah, yeah sure.. Complicated” she couldn’t breathe “I think I’m going to throw up” she said and just went straight for the upstairs toilet and shut the door and locked it after her.

Howie on the other had just let out a sigh of relief as the screen lit up and showed that Noa had answered him. Lucky for them, he had already pulled up into the parking lot, he grabbed his phone and texted that he was there while wondering if he should come up or not. He then quickly sent a new text asking if he should come up or if she was just going to come down.

___
Noa over and out <3

Her hands grabbed around the sinks smooth service. She heard that they said their goodbye and the smell of this Noa left the apartment, or not really, it still lingered, and it made her sick. It was a mixture of her just wanting this shapeshifter far away from her boyfriend, but also because she didn’t feel it was right that all this anger was pushed down on such a small figure like the girl that just got caught in the crossfire this time. Besides Letha didn’t know the circumstances on why she had shot Zadkiel, but she remembered that when she had joined the force and worked alongside Cael, Zadkiel had been admitted to the hospital for a long time, no one wanted to tell her why. It had always seemed a little weird, fullblood Angel lying in a hospital bed for such a long time.

Her head was spinning, and she felt how angry and tired tears pressed towards her closed eyelids. Then it knocked on the door after he had tried to open it. “Go away” she said with a low voice just wanting to figure out her thoughts on her own, didn’t seem fair that he could close himself of when he needed to, always leaving her waiting if he actually today wanted to share more about himself that just how his day had gone. Not even there being honest enough to say he had a shitty day. But he didn’t give up and as she heard his almost breaking voice telling her to open, she couldn’t keep herself locked in here and she went over and unlocked it and opened it. Her arms folded in front of her chest and she looked towards him waiting for whatever he had to say.

She didn’t take her eyes off him as he started to explain to her what he had done wrong tonight. Or the fact that he had kept these things to himself. If she hadn’t been so upset and heartbroken with always failing to get him to open up to her, she would have heard the words; I had been told that I should keep quiet about these kinds of things. She would have heard the voice how it broke telling her this, may even had recognized that this was words of a person that had abused him. But she didn’t, she didn’t hear him when he needed her the most, because she was eaten up by jealousy and hurt.

Her pale eyes watched how he tried to convey his feelings or explain what had happened those years ago.

Never allowed myself to fall in love with.

First love.

She swallowed the lump in her throat and had to look away from him. How could he say that, whe he hadn’t even told her that he had loved her since the night that his mom had died? How could he say something like that, never allowed himself to fall in love and then tell her that he loved her? How could this be love, when he couldn’t even tell her things fearing how she would react. Now he had pushed her so far over the edge that she couldn’t crawl back from. So angry, so stubborn in her ways of seeing now that she didn’t know how to get back.
“You can’t just say that!” she finally pushed the words out of her mouth tears started to glide down her cheeks “You can’t just shut me out for days, and – and making me think that you just need time to cope and then one day you might come and tell me what is wrong, open up to me – only for me to come home finding you tangled up with a woman, not only a woman but a ex-girlfriend!” her breath came in ragged and uneven breaths “You can’t just tell me I’m your first love, when you just shut me off all the time” she said hugging herself with her own arms looking away from him.

She had to bit down on her trembling lip to keep it under control, the tears stung her eyes, and she raised her head too look up in the celling to keep it under somewhat control.
Please, Letha.
She was such a hypocrite; she hadn’t talked much about the fact she had been made aware of that she had lived for at least 8000 years. That she was an old murderer, and people would pay other people to kill her on sight. But she hadn’t told him any of this, because she didn’t know how to. And suddenly she couldn’t breathe. Then again, how could you talk with someone that always just talked about the superficial stuff? How could she share such a big secret of hers, when he kept everything away from her.

“I can’t do this right now” she just said, feeling guilty, angry, pissed off and just a giant mess. She wanted to hold him, tell him that everything would be okay, and they would learn together. But after her day, and the fact she was still soaked to the bone. That she had had such a bad day in all, she couldn’t think about anything else than getting out of this conversation. She pushed past him and went downstairs to start picking up the food she had dropped when coming in. Such a mess, such a fucking mess.

She hadn’t even heard him come down the stairs. So there went a small wave of startlement through her body as his words hit her; please.
She didn’t look towards him, but her hands stopped doing what they were doing. She had to inhale sharply as he asked her not to shut him out. It took all she could not to snort at him, he had no right to ask her that. He shut her out all the time, the night he really had done it, when his mother had died. He hadn’t really let her in there either, he had comfort her, and somehow, she had ended up letting him. Now it felt like it was all reversed.
What put her off was the next thing, in her hand was the cup half full of soda she didn’t even mean it, but she just lost it. She rose up and threw the cup towards the wall that exploded by the strength she had thrown it with. A scream left her lips “Stop it! Stop always wanting to take care of everyone else’s mess!!” she turned around pushing her fingers through her wet hair almost feeling like she was about to pull hair out. “I don’t need you to fix this mess, I need you to explain what the hell she was doing here, and how you ended up on the sofa!” she didn’t want to yell at him, but she couldn’t hold back anymore, everything just hurt so bad in her chest and she felt overwhelmed with the whole situation.

Her lips her shaking, no, her whole body as shaking as he said every so calmly what had happened. The thing was, he didn’t tell her anything. She closed her eyes and took a few deep breath, but it couldn’t quiet the storm that was brewing inside of her. Losing someone close to you, was always hard, she had seen it in front of her own eyes. She had carried one of her fellow soldier, dead, on her shoulders so she could get him back to base. You closed yourself off, put walls up for those you loved and didn’t want anyone telling you how to get over this thing. Because you knew better, of course you always knew better.

“You comforted her?” She almost sounded flabbergasted as she let the back of her hand glide under her running nose. “A woman, that you wanted to cut out of your life, came to apologize and when you stepped on her feelings you just what – took her up in your arms and lied down on the couch and forgot about time?” might be the reason, but it still didn’t feel any better, so she swallowed “So what, if I hadn’t come home, then you would just have droved her home not telling me about it at all? Because her you can comfort and get comfortable with on the couch, the one you didn’t want to get close to, but your girlfriend you won’t even tell how you are really feeling?!” she didn’t succeed actually keeping her voice down, even as that was all she wanted. Nothing was really going the way that she wanted it to, saying things she didn’t want to leave her mouth. Reacting in ways she wasn’t even comfortable with. Just making her angrier by the minute.

As she looked how he reacted, it just made a fire take a hold of her. But she kept still, watching him while her body still shook from all the emotions going through her body at this very moment. She wanted to throw more things, yell at him make him understand this, right now what he was doing was not only ruining himself but their relationship to eachother. It was like he didn’t see that soon it wouldn’t be enough just wanting to learn from her, or learn together. Then she wouldn’t be there for him, when he wanted to open up. And that might not be fair, but when she could see that he somewhat could open up to what he had just told her, was technically a stranger. It broke her heart.

“easier” she repeated back at him, as her nose started to burn “Well then why don’t you call her back, and then you can have someone to talk with, because clearly it’s easier to open up to her, than me! And yes you take care of people, but at what price!?” she wanted to run away, out the door, out in the rain – just away. But right now she stood still, just looking at him.