The love you left behind

LOCATION | Outside Jamie's house
DATE | Saturday 2nd of April 2022
TIME | 11 am
ATTIRE | Jamie | Ayah | Ella
TOPIC FOR | @Hope & the emotional support we might need
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It had been around a week since Hope had told Ayah one of her ghosts, and if it hadn't been for the whole thing about Mariella's encounter with their father not long ago either that hadn't been pleasant. Well, they had made the choice to just start by telling Jamie, getting that cleared out. Once they knew how he took it perhaps it would also be easier to talk to Mariella, if the world would just be so kind an let them take this one day at the time. Ayah had therefor called Sariel, because with Sariel's powers, she likely knew that this conversation was going to happen, and it was only fair that Jamie had knew something big would be revealed. Ayah being happy to play support for her sister here, but she also wanted to be there  for Sariel in this moment. But being there could happen to be just the best for all parts. So, parking the car and stepping out she looked towards Hope, now was not the time to back out, but if that was what Hope wanted Ayah would drive her off, luckily the air fairy had been smart enough to place herself in the drivers seat. "If you want to go, say the words and we go. But, we cannot escape this either way," and the longer time passed. Ayah couldn't in good faith keep the secret from Mariella either. The door opened to the house and she watched Jamie walking out, "there goes the escape plan." Ayah stepped out of the car and looked towards Jamie that first kept his eyes on Ayah, well he had caught the scent just as they parked, because of the windows being rolled just a little down to keep the heat out. So, he moved his eyes towards the window, feeling how his heart just sat in his throat waiting for her to step out of the car to just be sure.

Ayah turned her head to the side shortly, she could see Mariella walk with someone else towards them, not paying attention to who, mostly because this was about to get just more complicated than she hoped for it to be. Closing her eyes for a second and took a deeper breath in, but she was going to stay here, be there for Hope to do this, no matter what would happen next. There was no running away from your past, not this time.

Sometimes you could try to run from things as fast as you could. Even if you didn’t move anywhere, your mind could run a thousand miles pr hour. Spinning stories that hadn’t been told yet and come up with scenarios as if they had already happened.
But she needed to do this, even if every bone of her body wanted to run away, push Ayah out of the driving seat and drive them back home. Back to safety of her own misery. What if he forgave her, what then? That would maybe be the worst thing of all. Because the love they had shared --
She didn’t let that thought finish, because she had a new love, a new life. Besides, Jamie was with Sariel, and they were good for each other, or so Ayah had told them. That was all that really mattered in the end. That Jamie was doing okay.
Looking down at her hands she didn’t respond to Ayah’s words, telling her that she could just say the word and they would drive back. Because she was scared that if she opened her mouth, it would be what happened.
“Fuck” Hope hissed; she didn’t even need to look up to know that he had seen her. She wanted to let the ground underneath her swallow her up. But sadly, she hadn’t inherited her mother’s powers. No, hers, just like Mariella reminded so much more of their fathers. Even if she couldn’t manipulate fire.

Leon had been visiting Mariella and had asked if they should go for a small walk stopped when he read the many emotions that was happening by Jamie’s house. And if he had noticed, he knew that it wouldn’t have passed Mariella either. But why the fuss when it was just Ayah and Hope? He looked towards Mariella lifting a brow before looking back with a small sigh. Well, there they went again, with the drama. He just hoped that Mariella would be able to take yet another thing being dragged out into the light.

Hope finally got the courage and stepped out of the car. Her fingers pushing back her dark hair. At first, she wasn’t able to do it, but very slowly she finally lifted her eyes looking at Jamie. Feeling like someone hit her in the stomach, feeling how her entire nose started to ache as she tried to stop the tears to form in her eyes. It wasn't like there was a manual that told you how to react to this. What you could say. So she stood there, frozen in time.
The hybrid standing in the door, clearly not knowing what she could do or say. So she just stood there, waiting for someone to tell her if she was needed or not.

Mariella stopped for a moment as she looked at Hope stepping out of the car and looked at Jamie. She narrowed her eyes a little bit for a moment, even with the distance, some emotions were just so strong that distance didn't really matter. And she was rather jumpy and perhaps a bit touchy since the whole thing with Francis, which was to be understood. But what she felt from this was something she hadn't expected, and she pressed her brows a bit together, and took a deeper breath in as her eyes for a moment had turned violet and she breathed out controlling her abilities again, then looking shortly towards Leon feeling he looked towards her. Because well, he knew she was getting pretty tired, if exhausted wasn't the right word, with everything that was going on. One thing was dealing with how she felt about all the situations but she knew how every person felt about it, alongside all the other things. "Is it too late to walk the other way?" She asked knowing she couldn't avoid whatever was about to unfold, of course she could pick another day to really confront what was happening, but she could also feel how hard this was hitting Jamie, how hard it was hitting Hope - so she couldn't really get herself to turn around, because she knew that they needed her to be there at some point.

Jamie looked at her stepping out of the car, and it completely took his breath away seeing her there alive. He knew Ayah wouldn't have followed her here if it wasn't the case, Sariel wouldn't have warned him that this could be hard to handle. But still he had not known what to expect so feeling like all air had been kicked out of him was only beginning to cover it. Looking into her eyes he could feel his jaw tense, and he tensed it harder not knowing how to handle this. Yet, another thing he had no idea how to handle. This year was already hitting him with a new emotionally challenge every month. And he just looked into Mckenna's eyes, or Hope as he had learned not long ago her name was now. But he was so overwhelmed by emotions, and had it been last year, early last year before he had reunited with Nigel and Archie - he would have been so ruled by anger he could have torn everything down. But it wasn't. So much had changed since last year, he had found peace within himself. So, he took another step closer slowly, then another one a little faster till he stood just in front of her and pulled her into his embrace. Having learned by now to embrace what came back into his life rather than to run away from the emotions it brought up and he couldn't help but crying, but right now he also didn't care.

Ayah looked up towards Sariel and took a sharper breath in, before then again looking over towards Leon and Mariella, then back at Jamie and Hope. Feeling how her own eyes started to get wet just by standing here watching it, because it was rather emotional to see. So, she had no idea how it felt like for her younger sister.

Leon shook his head when Mariella asked if it was too late. “No, it isn’t, come” he didn’t even let her get a chance to tell him that she thought it was. Because as soon as she had spoken the words, he knew that this was too much right now. So, with a firm, yet gentle grip around her hand he took her the other road down the street, back towards the outskirts of the forest. There wasn’t a posing threat anymore, so they could use the time to just walk around and ground themselves before going back and figuring out what was going on. When it came down to it, it was clear that Jamie and Hope needed to talk about this among themselves before letting other people in on the pain that they so clearly shared.

The fairy brazed herself on what was going to happen. Feeling how her lips slowly started to dry out, how her heart was beating faster in her chest. Her breath came near to impossible for her to actually catch as he started walking towards her. For a moment everything just stood still, she could see his arms started to move towards her, and just for a second, a brief moment, she was sure that he would hit her. Which was why her eyes closed and she flinched away, mostly because that was what she had learned by now, that she was never really wanted nor needed.
But then he hugged her. Her eyes opened in disbelief. But as he cried she couldn’t help herself, and joined him as her arms slowly glided around his body pulling herself a little closer. Her cries came out, almost in screams as everything just hit her at once crumbling towards his warm body.
Sariel had to look away, feeling how tears started to form in her own eyes. Walking towards Ayah, she took her hand without so many words, started to move away from the scene. Not because she didn’t want to be there, but because she knew that right now, they both needed to just be there with each other. And she would know when to come back and make sure that Jamie had someone nearby.

She could have argued, made a ton of argumentes on why she needed to stay at the scene - where she actually didn't need to stay, but only felt like she needed to because of the emotion screaming from there. However, she didn't really resist or try to put out one of these argumentes, because either way she knew it would save her a whole lot of energy not being at the scene. But it also left her mind with the fact that there were a thing so big as this, that her sister she had known about for months now hadn't shared. Not because she didn't know both of Ayah and Hope carried heavy things, because she knew. This was just different, because it included Jamie, and things started to make sense on why Hope never wanted to come around visit. The answer was pretty simple by now, not to run into Jamie. And yet for a brief moment, it was Mariella who felt betrayed over Hope not having shared with her that she knew Jamie and that was the reason. Still, Mariella didn't know how Jamie and Hope met each other. The only other emotional relationship Jamie had had in the past was with McKenna. And Jamie being Jamie, had never really let his family other than Archie and Elenora in on his family life. But Hope had also only been around that one time, the first meeting. She wouldn't have had a shot at getting seen yet by Archie or Elenora. Because Ella knew Archie would have told her if he had seen it or noticed anything. Mariella found a small field of grass where she could just let herself sit down, then letting her back meet with the green bed of grass with small white flowers. Closing her eyes for a second to stop her thought from going on a spiral that it already was doing.

It was like everything else around him just went silent. There wasn't anyone else in the entire universe that could connect to him other than the fairy he had his arms around. Because he could have been angry, he could have screamed and kicked - but right here, he was just so thankful that she was breathing knowing just what they had lost that night. And he felt that even stronger as she finally placed her arms around him, and the emotions they both shared. The agony and loss just hit with full force and he could feel just how her body crumbled towards his. Before he knew it both their bodies had crumbled to the ground, and he just kept his arms around her, feeling how the weight of the world was crashing against his chest.

Ayah looked towards Sariel coming closer towards her, but didn't say anything it more or less just stopped her from completely getting stuck at watching the pain her sister and Jamie were in. So, as Sariel took her hand, she just followed her a little bit away from the scene, moved her other hand up to dry away her tears and took a collected breath in.

As the rest of the people around them found other places to be. Hope fully surrendered herself, even if it would only be for a moment before she would lock that person of herself away again. Because it was too much for her to bear. Too much anger, hurt and worst of all, fear. She knew it wasn’t healthy, of course she knew. But as of right now, it was the only way that she could possibly survive. All the long nights where she had been sitting with a gun in her hand. It had been so easy, just putting it in her mouth and pulling the trigger. The worst days where she couldn’t even move an inch, just lying in her bed starring out into nothing.
She felt it however, the feeling of how the weight started to lift from her heart and shoulder. She wanted to tell him so many things. But no words left her already sore throat as she cried against his shoulder. Letting her arms sink even further around him. Crumbling on the hard pavement underneath them, as they just sat there holding each other. Letting themselves grieve their dead children together. Knowing at one point they would have to get up, because people were already starting to look out their windows. But she didn’t care, for the first time in a very long time, she just didn’t care about any of that.

It was rather odd to Jamie really, because no matter how much he had crumbled underneath the surface of this. No matter how much he had cried himself to sleep or hated himself enough to completely sell his soul back to his hunter ways. There was something in him that was set free by sitting here just grieving his children with the person who could and did understand just how it felt like. Not because he didn't appreciate how much people this year and since he had gotten here had tried to be there for him. To understand what he was going through, because he held so much gratitude for them for simply being around, but it was something else sitting here just letting everything out with Hope in the silence of spoken words for a moment. Just for a moment just cry. Then the moment past and he took a sharp and more controlled breath in, letting his hand run up and down her back, while he blinked a few of his tears away. He had been grieving and crying lately, last year when he had found Jasmine he had been having a similar melt down. And the whole accepting himself situation had granted him more control of his emotions simply because he didn't just lock them away. It wasn't how he needed to stay strong anymore. So slowly, he helped her getting up on her feet. "Let's get inside," he suggested in a low voice, yet with his arm still around her he guided her inside, and then closed the door.

Behind closed doors it was easier to breath out again, and he took another deep breath before looking towards her again. "I cannot believe you are actually here," he exhaled again blinking a little bit. Jasmine wasn't home so it wasn't like he expected her to come running into the living room. The dogs stood in the door just looking what was going on but then just turned around as Jamie hadn't invited them closer into the living room in this moment. "You want anything? Coffee - whiskey, water?" He then asked. Not really knowing what else to say, so he started there. "It's Hope now, right? Or was it always Hope?" He wondered, not really to a point of judgement. Still in this moment more happy to see her alive than dead.

She nodded slowly when he suggested that they should go inside. Grateful for the fact that he helped her up, as it seemed like her legs wouldn’t really head her mind. Her dried and swollen eyes looked over her shoulder seeing how they had been completely left alone. She was sure that this was something she would hear from, knowing that Archie and Nora were in town as well. Then there was the matter of her not telling Mariella. But she wanted to know how Jamie even took this before she pulled Mariella into more drama that had already been put on her shoulders. Not that it would make it any easier now that she had actually seen what was going on. And with her powers, it wouldn’t have taken her many minutes before she understood what was going on. But that was something that she would take care off another time.
Her eyes followed his movements as he got them inside.
She tried to tell him she wanted a whiskey, but the word didn’t really leave her dry throat at first, so she cleared it. “A whiskey” she whispered giving a small smile, that quickly disappeared. Her chest rose as he asked her if her name was Hope nodding "yeah, Hope was the name my mother and father gave me” she answered truthfully, once again she was caught in the fact that she wanted to tell him so much. But there were no words that conveyed that, as she just stood there in the living room looking at him. “I heard that you found out that you have a daughter?” finally something happened the tug of her lips was clear that she was happy for him. “And I’m glad to see that you found someone that makes things a little better” she looked around feeling the energy of this being a home filled with love. Even though it pained her, she was happy for him. She really was.

"Got it," he nodded before headed to the small table in the corner of the couch in the living room where a set of glasses and a whisky already was standing waiting to get help unwind after a long day. So, he picked it up and poured into the two glasses whilst listening. He had heard about Ayah and Hope from Mariella, but since he hadn't really seen more to Hope, now for good reason - he hadn't really any idea of knowing. Jamie turned towards Hope and walked over to her, handing her the glass of whisky, as she mentioned what she had heard. Jamie took a longer and sharper breath in. "No one can ever replace them," he exhaled again taking a sip of his glass before shaking his head a little bit. "It's makes it a little better sometimes yeah, still very new," he nodded a little bit. Jasmine was great, and yet he also just found himself in a trap of knowing how many years he had missed, how much he would have loved to save her from but couldn't simply because he hadn't known till last month that she actually was out there. "I'm sorry -" he exhaled a little looking at her. Because he was sorry about leaving after the argument they had had, not that it was unlike them to disagree back then. But how many times hadn't he yelled at himself that if he had stayed home the outcome would have been different from the attack, it wasn't even to say - but he felt like their chances could have been better if he had been there.

A small thank you, left her lips as he handed her the glass and took a sip of it. Looking up when he spoke again; no one can ever replace them. She understood what he meant, but it was also sad that he felt like he needed to say that out loud. It was a god given that no one could ever replace a person. They could mend, and they could heal. But there would always be a missing place in a life and in a heart that the person that wasn’t there anymore had left behind.  
Hope nodded when he told her that it was new but made it a little better. She could imagine, there had been time where she had thought about how she would react if she would ever become a mother again. She had been close; it wasn’t even all that long ago that she had been pregnant. What a horrible mess that had turned out to be
Then he apologised, and she noticed how she had been starring down in the glass for, God knows how long. Looking up she shook her head slowly “Don’t” she whispered, because right now he didn’t have anything to apologise for. At least not more than she needed to. “What happened” it was like someone tied up her throat and twisted it around. She had to close her eyes for a moment, before letting out a small sigh opening them up again looking at him. “It wasn’t fair, it wasn’t right, and I’ve been overthinking the whole event over and over, but in the end, there was just nothing that could have been done, and I needed to get away because I knew that I would just end up blaming you in the start, blaming myself and it would only had ended up much worse, than it did” she whispered, knowing it still wasn’t fair, because she hadn’t given him a choice. But that wasn’t something she could take back, and if anything, Hope was a woman that stood by her actions.

She shook her head, but he still had wanted to say it. It meant something for him to say it to her, and not just yell it into a tombstone that was an empty grave apparently, at least hers were. He lifted his chin a little bit, just by an inch as she mentioned how she had needed to get away. Because she had blamed him, he wouldn't have hold it against her. "You did what you felt like you needed to do in the moment," Jamie exhaled looking down into his drink. "I was really angry, sometimes I still am. I was angry at the vampires who did this to us, who took you and them away from me... and I was angry at you for leaving me - angry at myself," he looked back up at her. "But I've been working through most of the anger - I'm not angry at you anymore, is safe to say. This doesn't change that." Jamie confessed before taking a sup of his glass, a larger one than the previous. "I found where the vampires were having their nest here in Aston," then it hit him again how he had been so busy living he had forgotten about that one vampire that still roamed around. Making him stand rather still for a moment before he blinked a little. "What have you been up to, other than, the obvious," he hinted to the whole drama he already was pretty much in. If he hadn't wanted to hunt Francis down before, he for sure did now as well.

Anger. An emotion that she knew so well. To well, and still did. So, she nodded understanding when he told her how he was feeling and had felt. Licking her lips, a slight tug lifted up one side of her lips, she knew that the vampires were here, besides having gotten people safely here from America, she had also found the vampires and tracked them down. She had however been too late, and someone had already taken care of one of them, and it seemed like the last one had disappeared into thin air. Clearly spooked about the events that Jamie had stirred up that night.
Blinking a little when he asked what she had been up too she looked away for a moment. Letting her eyes rest on the garden outside of the windows. “I did the same, tracked the vampires too America, then I started to help the supernatural again to keep busy, finally I tracked the vampires back to Gaia and when I found out that my sister was here as well” she let out a small sigh closing her eyes. “I’ve just, been, surviving, taken one day at a time” she chuckled even though there was nothing funny about it. Life wasn’t about surviving; it was something that should be enjoyed. She just found it so damned hard to do so, especially after everything that had happened lately. "I heard that Theo is back in town, that hunters are starting to gather in a greater number" she whispered looking towards Jamie, the concern was easy to find in her eyes. "they are going after you again, aren't they?" she added, not really wanting to step into a territory that wasn't her to roam in anymore. But she couldn't help herself. Of course she still cared and loved him, and seeing him. Well it just amplified it all, which was very confusing·

Perhaps he would have taken the hunting of the vampires further and met with her again at some point, the twisted world they lived in seemed to work like that - but after he then shortly after had gotten the call about what had happened to Archie. It had completely wrecked him inside out. His hurt had spread to a rage that was just him being angry at the world, and sadly some of the people he still loved had just happened to be there still. But in his rage he couldn't even see it. Not then at least. Jamie knew he owed both Nigel and Mariella a few apologizes for having to deal with back then. At least he needed to get it off his chest. But surviving taking on a day then the next. He related to that feeling way to much. There had been days where he had been so depressed he had thought about if it had just been it. Glad he had never made it further than the simple small visits of the thoughts.

The topic turned to Theo, which made Jamie quiet for a small moment. They are going after you again, aren't they? His eyes moved back towards her, speaking the answer more clear than that words could. He imagined Mariella had mentioned the events, since he knew it troubled her a lot not knowing - just as much as it troubled and annoyed the others as well. "The rumors are true," he clicked his tongue a little bit. He hadn't minded being the target before hand, as long as they had left Nigel and the rest of the household be. It was still like that, but now Jamie as well had something he wanted to protect within the four walls of this house. "But I've never seen the family fight together the way we do now, and I'm sure that we can handle anything that the world throws at us," he reached out to take her hand before giving it a soft squeeze. "And you are still family. Whether you want to be or not, okay? If you need anything, you tell me. Okay?" He raised a brow at her letting her know he meant it. "Promise me."

She looked at him as he spoke about the fact that the brothers were tighter forged together, than they had ever been before. Even if it was only some of them, and in a way, one could talk about how the family had been split down the middle, leaving them on opposite sides. Almost like a war. Her lips parted and she was about to say something when his hand found hers. The feeling of his warm skin against hers made her pause. Her eyes flickered from his hand connected with hers, up towards him as he told her that she was still family. Once again, she was struck with the feeling of almost hoping he wouldn’t have said that. Because it made things so complicated, even if they didn’t have to be. Even if it was alright that they could just be family, even if it wasn’t in the same way that they once have been.
Promise me.
It was hard for her to promise something like that, when she wasn’t even sure what she needed. “I’ll try” she whispered, holding on to his hand as she looked into her eyes. Grounded for a moment, and for just this moment, everything felt okay. What a dangerous feeling to have blossoming in your heart. The reassurance that with him by your side, things would be okay. Especially because it wasn’t like love had fizzled away from them. If he had come back, and the vampires hadn’t been there. They would probably still be happy together. Fighting, yes. But happy. And now, now there was nothing really left. Which also made it so hard to believe; how could they still be family?

Trying was better than nothing at all. Jamie knew that. He was most likely the worst person to come to others when he needed help, it had only been up to current events and life changes that he had actually like he could allow himself that. "We all try, and sometimes trying is the best we can do, right?" The right corner of his lip curled up into an assuring little half smirk. Damn it was both so easy and hard at the same time to stand here with his hand in hers. Because there was a huge part of him that just wanted to pull her in, hold her close into his embrace once again and beg her not to go anywhere. But it was the fear talking, afraid that some part of his was a dream about to be a nightmare that he really had lost so much that night. He knew, Jamie knew that things no matter what wouldn't work out like they had back then, and it was going to be weird seeing each other now and then. He felt slightly guilty for not having letting Ella see more of the family he had found away from his family. But he had pretty much just pushed everyone a bit away, except Archie. But those two just as well always had a different bond because they were different. In two different ways but enough for them to have bonded over it.

"So, this is why you haven't been hanging around at Nigel's I assume?" He lifted a brow a little knowingly. Well, Mariella had mentioned now and then that she had asked Hope over, but she had something else planned all the time - now he understood why. "Mariella will forgive you for not telling you by the way - she might take it a bit to heart at first, but she will come around, just be honest with her whenever you chose to talk to her," he gave Hope a little nod. Now if anyone had kept secrets and gotten away with small white lies to his little sister - it was Jamie. He knew how much she hated it, and if you had seen the fire fairy lose her temper it had been at him - which he liked somehow, because it made him believe she wouldn't just in the end let people walk all over her when he couldn't be there, "I sorta feel stupid for never having allowed her to come visit us now - would have made your search a little less complicated or faster at least," he confessed as he exhaled once again. Not less complicated on the fact they both viewed Mariella as their little sister - but maybe everything would have looked so different.

Hope nodded, slowly at first, because it was true. It had been the biggest reason why she hadn’t been around Nigel’s house, where she knew that Ayah had done it a lot more than herself. Even if she too had someone from her past that she tried to steer clear off, even if it was for a whole other reason, even if almost mounted to the same thing. Guilt of losing love and children. In her case, where Cassian didn’t even know that she had lost their son, kidnapped and then killed.
Hope chuckled and felt how the one side of her mouth lifted as she let out a small sigh.  
“Well, you know her better than I” she mumbled, giving his hand a little squeeze before she let go of it again. Knowing that it was for the best; letting go. Even if it was something she rather not, not when she finally stood here in front of him. Maybe that had been the other reason why she hadn’t reached out, nor told him that she was still alive after she had found out that Mariella and Jamie already knew each other. Because of all of the memories, the good ones, that would resurface in this way, as it did right now. Because even though they shared a painful past, it was still a past filled with joy, love and excitement.
She let out a small sigh and then shrugged “That period we were together, with our children, was the only time where I actually stopped looking, because – for a time, I didn’t need to” she whispered, turning to face the windows looking out on the garden. Because it was the truth, when she had been with Jamie, she had still thought about her family, but for those few years, she hadn’t really tried to go out of her way, because she had been with her family. Jamie, their kids, they had been all she had needed. What a world of difference it would have been, had she found Juniper, Ayah and Mariella while she had her children, while she had been married. But it wouldn’t do her any good at second guessing, no matter what, the past would never become the future. No matter how many times she wished for it.

It was true, he did know Mariella better than Hope. Which was a tragic event on its own from that point of view, yet he still felt a little bit selfish for liking it being like that. Because even if Mariella wasn't his sister by blood, he couldn't really imagine her not having been around, and he therefor he was very thankful that even if in the end it came to this, Jamie liked how those cards had been played.

Jamie took in a sharper breath as she confessed that in their time together it had been a time where she had just felt like she didn't need to. His lips folded a bit together, keeping his eyes on her as her head turned to look out the windows. Jamie knew he had taken his own pleasure in the joy they had felt, he had protected and cherished it against the world he was brought up in. A joyful chaos of looking over his shoulder and fearing his father would find out just what he had been up to. Jamie's best kept secret really. Their time together hadn't been just pain no, and he wondered how it would have looked like if it had been in times like this, where he was more open with his relationships with his brothers. Where things were more settled and Jamie himself had found more comfort with who he was. He hadn't been honest with himself about himself back when they had been together. "Archie died a while back, came back as an angel, which is a whole other story really, but he saw them. They were alright, which I know is a weird feeling but also for me at least a relief," he then told. Because even if Archie had told him that well McKenna had been there too, he could also see it had been the closure that Jamie had needed then. So no, he didn't blame his brother for that. "But for what it's worth, I'm happy to see you, to know you are here - whatever here means," he kept his eyes on her and took a sharper breath in. Because there was a part of him that just wanted for a moment to just hold her close again, take in that scent and let it take him back one more time. But he also knew there were some lines that not even they should cross.

Her eyes started to sting as he told her that Archie had died, but that he had died but the fact that he had seen their children in the garden of Eden. Now, one could argue that it should put her heart at ease, but all it did was remind her that she should have been there with them. But here she was, living without living at all. She didn’t know what was worse. That she had survived the attack when her innocent children hadn’t. Or the fact that she didn’t honor their memory and kept living. Because when she looked at it now, she could barely say that she was.
It was almost as some invisible force tugged in her heart, begging her to move, turn around and let her hands pull him closer. A voice in her head whispering and telling her that she should just ask him too. But instead, she just redirected her eyes and looked towards her feet. Feeling warm tears fall from her eyes. Saw how it fell to the ground and hit the floor beneath her feet. It was like the whole world was stopping for a moment. Trying to give her the time to breathe and comprehend it all. But there was no time enough to ever heal what had been broken. She had lived for too long to change the circle, and if it wasn’t going to happen with Jamie. She wasn’t sure it was going to happen at all. “Thank you” she whispered, feeling how her throat felt sticky from her trying to keep her crying at bay. A small smile formed on her lips, as she finally lifted her head and looked towards him.

It was complicated. Because even with their fights and endless arguments, they had loved each other still and they had made each other better people slowly. And there was still so much love towards her that hadn't just been disappeared because of that night. This was why this felt so dangerous for him, because he could feel it along with the pain and grief that returned to him. There was that part of him that knew he would always love her in some way. Jamie walked a step more closer to her, damn it, it was hard not to just reach out and cup her face with his hands. And in the end as she looked up at him, it was game over and his hands found her face, looking into her eyes. Why was it so hard? It shouldn't be this hard, hadn't they been through enough? But he also couldn't get himself to let go, feeling like how the seconds felt like long hours and time just stopped existing. His thumb ran over the delicate skin of her cheek, before he then just pulled her into a hug because if anything he could do that.

It was the uncertainty that was the worst. Not knowing what could have been if they had acted differently. The constant stream of thoughts that was rolling around in her head, imagery that flowed without her being able to stop it.
“Don’t” she whispered as he stepped closer to her, and as she looked up, she felt how his hands cupped her face. For a moment she couldn’t do anything other than look into his eyes, for a moment she wished that neither of them had moved on, that they were still two lonely people, and they could give into the desire that clearly was forming in them both. The desire to feel and touch, to lean into what had once been. Luckily for her he was stronger than her and managed to pull himself away and instead hug her close. After a few moments of hesitation, she lifted her arms and let them fold around him.
“It wasn’t supposed to be this hard” she whispered, hugging him closer as she was afraid what would happen if he let go. If they once again stood like that in front of each other. “It really wasn’t supposed to be this hard” she added closing her eyes and let her forehead press against his shoulder.

"It really isn't," he mumbled closing his eyes shut. He had went through the whole grieving process so many times by now, and it had always come back to this. And now he was standing here with her alive. And only in his wildest dreams had he been imagining how it would feel like, the times he had wished for it, begged that if there was some god out there that he would bring McKenna back to him. Begged and cried to a point where he had felt like a fool for even hoping. The most cruel thing was how he had a life here inside this house he had a life that for a moment felt like another reality or a dream, and he was split in two, the part of him who wanted the life he just had created for himself, where he felt at peace was with his family. And as Hope stood here in his arms pressing her forehead against his shoulder, he just kept her closer, whishing he as well could have shared it with her. It wasn't how it was supposed to be. "Of course is hard, I loved you. I still love you," he whispered which was the truth. He didn't know if he could say that he was in love with her. still, but you could love someone without being in love with them, right?

Her lips twisted into a painful expression; she moved her head so it was only the side of her face that was pressed against his shoulder so she could look into the kitchen. It was easy to start picturing their children standing there, her laughing while they were running a perfectly good dough for cookies. Jamie coming home after a long day, but he was never too tired to pick both of the kids up and run with them outside. Then after a while he would come back in, putting his arms around her waist and kiss her on her cheek, tell her those same words that he was saying right now. I still love you. She pressed her eyes together and silent tears glided down her cheeks. “I love you too, always will” she whispered, knowing that it wasn’t the same as it had once been, even though one could wish that it was true. She knew that this was nearing a place where it would get too dangerous for her to stick around. So, she did what she always did, she ran away.
Because what did you do, when the person that was your home, wasn’t yours anymore? Other than to move on and see him be happy with someone else. Of course, she had Ace, she knew that, and they were trying. But it hadn’t been easy, it hadn’t been smooth sailing nor was it easy now. Not with his crazy ex, and how he had taken her side at first, or at least blamed them both for the things that had happened. “I think it’s best I go now” she whispered taking a step further away feeling tears run down her cheeks again. “Goodbye Jamie” she whispered, but even though she had said goodbye she just stood there and looked at him. How she wished that she didn’t needed too, but she wanted what was best for him. And she wasn’t it anymore.

It was hard even knowing how to handle this, a situation neither of them had thought they would be in. In different ways yet it felt all the same. The heartachingly sorrow hitting them from all front and it was that. Sorrow. The dark grief that wrapped around them wanting to get some comfort from one who understood just how the other felt, you didn't have to explain or say anything. He understood her pain in this as she understood his. And that was enough. But it was also so soul shattering. I think it’s best I go now, no he needed a moment more. He wasn't ready to let go, not yet. He begged for a moment more. And once again he looked into her eyes, just looking at her, in such conflict both begging him to let her go and to be held at the same time. "It's not goodbye, I'm counting on seeing you again sometime," he breathed out feeling the tears running down his cheeks as he blinked. Jamie wanted to be clear about it being sometime, no one knew when. But he hoped that he at some point would see her again, knowing she was doing alright was happy - because she deserved that. To be happy and loved and if he wasn't the one giving that to her, he hoped she would find someone else who would show her just how beautiful and incredible she was.

She laughed, not that it lasted and she had to look away from him as tears kept streaming down her cheeks. It was horrible, she was never this vulnerable and she hated it. And at the same time, she knew that it was necessary and on high time that she faced this side she had put away for so long. “Maybe, one day” she said with a small smile, drying away the tears that fell and let out another chuckle, because right now it felt like it was the only thing that she could do to get through this. Ease the pain by pretending that she was alright, even if she wasn’t.
“And if you ever need my help or want to talk - you know who to ask to make it happen, since you know - one of my sisters are your girlfriends best friend, and the other is your sister - so, shouldn’t be that easy for me to disappear this time” she hummed licking her lips, keeping her distance all the same. Because that was what they needed right now, distance. Before either of them did something they couldn’t take back.

Jamie chuckled a little, crossing his arms just a little, keeping himself from reaching out for her again. "Well, other than that I would like to pinpoint that I could find you in any crowd if you were close enough - with or without my senses," he licked his lips a little bit. He knew how to spot her in the crowd, and yes with her scent it was easy too - and he had once been very good at finding her. And now he knew he would be again. Jamie took a sharper breath in. "Are you seeing someone?" He then asked curious really. Because how could he not be? He wanted to know what she was doing if she was fine, and overall if she was with someone who treated her nicely. "You don't have to answer that if you don't want to," Jamie added shortly after, also knowing he had a habit of overstepping and asking questions that was perhaps not wanted by the people. "So, is this it for now?" He wondered then, not wanting to see her leave, and yet knowing she couldn't stay here forever.