Please trust me when I say

I never meant to hurt you

Dedicated to @Ash

Date | 14th of October
Time | Late afternoon
Weather | Its dark, stormy and rainy
Surroundings | A lot of people coming and going
Attire | Outfit

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Her heart was beating against her chest, almost like it was trying to throw itself out of her body. Normally Eden wasn’t the type that let emotions take so much control as they were right now. There had been some situations as of late, mostly because she was battling with so many things and ones. And the fact that she kept getting black outs, didn’t help on how she was feeling mentally. Right now, she just needed to get this off her chest, mostly because she didn’t even understand why she had kept this secret. Well, she did. Because it had been such a complicated matter, and it would have ruined more than it would have helped at the time. But it also told a story, just how much Cael had screwed her up. How much she had done for a man, that clearly had been anything but good for her. All the fights, the late nights she had been sitting up crying. How she had runaway, found herself in the arms of the same man, more than once.

But children. She sat herself against the desk in his office, her hand placed on her forehead as she closed her eyes. Sweat was pooling in her neck, and she didn’t feel very good. She had announced that she would be here, when Doctor Mitchell was ready to talk to her. She had no idea how long she waited before she looked up towards the door feeling his aura just on the other side. Her mouth felt dry, how was she to tell him just what a horrible person she was?

“Hello” she whispered with a weak smile, clearly trying to keep tears at bay.

He had just finished off with an almost nine hour surgery and to say he was tired was an understatement. But everything had gone as planned, so he had grabbed a quick cup of coffee with Nia in the common room before he had gotten the news that Eden was here waiting for him in his office. A smile had beamed on his lips as he had excused himself to Nia, and made way towards his office. He knew it was either good or bad news, and even if he wasn't optimistic by nature, he hoped for good news. But there was something in the atmosphere as he came closer to the door that made him aware that it might not be, it was just pure gut feeling, making him take a deeper breath in. He placed his hand on the door handle before finally pushing it down and opening the door.

She faced him as he stepped inside, closing the door behind him. He could see it clear painted on her face, the tears trying to fight through the strong walls built up around them. "Hey," he breathed out taking a few steps closer towards her, "come here," he reached his hand out for her to take, so he could pull her close enough to let embrace her. "What is going on?" He asked wondering why she was so upset.

His voice was almost enough to calm her down. But it was also for that very reason that she felt how her heart almost tore into pieces. She took his hand and let him embrace her, eventhough she didn’t feel like she deserved it. Whats going on. For the last two hours or so, she had been going over the conversation in her head. How she should start, how she could explain to him why she hadn’t told him. But as she stood there it was much harder than she realized. What if he didn’t want her after? All the things they had put past them, to step into a relationship together. Even though it had its problems.

She swallowed the lump which had formed in her throat and took a step back. “I, been getting more memories back” she explained feeling how her heart started pounding once again “And, remember our time back in New York” licking her lips she looked away “And, apparently” her nose started to sting and tears started gliding down her cheeks “apparently, both Zadkiel and Laila is yours” her voice broke, letting her eyes find back towards Ash’s “I’m so sorry” she whispered as she started to grab her hands “I never meant, for, I -” she folded her lips as she just looked at him, waiting for his reaction. Because she didn’t know how she could make any of this right.

By now, he had learned whenever Eden had something bad to tell him, she had this look on her face. The way she pulled just a step away from him, so she could see his reaction to his words. Ash would lie if he said it didn't make him nervous. Then she mentioned that she had gotten some more of her memories back, and he lifted his chin just an little inch, why was she so nervous to tell him this? Ash realized that perhaps she could have figured out she didn't even love him, that there was someone else, but he also didn't want to jump any conclusions before she had told her truths. Then she mentioned their time in New York, which only made him press his brows further together. And, apparently, okay by now his heart was beating so fast he almost forgot to breath, because how she looked away, crying, the seconds felt like dreadful hours of silence. Both Zadkiel and Laila are yours, he brows lifted a little. Wait, Zadkiel and Laila were his children? Ash took a step back himself, turning around for a moment, processing the information she had just given him. Ash took a deeper breath in, moving his hands up to the top of his head as he breathed out.

He couldn't put one thought together and it was like his world had just stopped for a second. New York had been a mixed time for him, everything with Jezebel and how Sebastian hadn't been biologically his son. All that pain it had caused him to figure that out, how Sebastian wasn't biologically his. Now, Ash hadn't been cruel and let Bash play around in Cassian's backyard and had dinners with him without him knowing the truth. - Not that it wasn't mildly cruel not letting a man know his child lived next door with out him knowing. But Ash had been visiting Eden so many times, their children knew each other, their children had been friends for many years. "How long have you known?" He took a deeper breath in turning towards her again, his words surprisingly calm. He needed to be calm. Even if her memories had just returned, how long till she had realized they weren't Cael's children.

Her face told a million words, as she looked up at him. How the pain pulled her lips down, that light crease in between her brows. The tears that ran down her high cheekbones. She didn’t want to make excuses. She had been a coward and so afraid to tell him because she was with Cael again when he came to England. When he moved in not far from where they had lived. Yes, it had been cruel, and a secret she had sworn to take with her to her grave. And she had done that, she had died with that secret. But now, things were different than they had been before. “I knew right away” she whispered; her words even though so silent felt like they were shouted out into the room. “But when, when I wanted to seek you out you were back with Jezebel again” she explained not wanting it to feel like she blamed him “So, the second time where I had a huge fight with Cael, and took Zadkiel with me to New York, and we found each other a second time – the timing never seemed right and” she looked away, tears didn’t stop running down her cheeks “Cael came after us, begged me to come back and when I did, I found out I was pregnant again I thought that this time it was his –“ she let her hands glide over her face, what a mess she had made “I’m so sorry, I never meant” she felt how coldness grabbed around her body. In her pursuit to get what she had always dreamt of; she had made every mistake in the book. “I never meant to hurt you, or any of this to happen, I was a coward and I was just so afraid” not of Ash, but of what Cael would do to her, and her children when he found out.

I knew right away.
His heart dropped a little as he exhaled, it was clear by the way that he looked into his eyes, that it hurt him. He had wished for a moment that she would have said she had just figured it out, but right away. How could she have been sitting in front of him all these years, without a word? He felt like something had been stolen from him. He couldn't escape that thought, but he still listened to her explanation. Ash held his breath for a moment, still just listening. He didn't interrupt, he just stood there in silence. The could see how things could have been problematic, and it would only have caused trouble if she had told him when he just had tried working things out with Jez. Ash couldn't honestly say he would have been better with or without those news. The second time, yeah he remembered the second time. He also remembered thinking that maybe it had been their time, but yes, Cael had ruined that. Now looking at the big picture, which was something that Ash was rather good at, he allowed himself a moment to take a look at it. He lifted his hand up as she mentioned she never meant to hurt him. His lifted hand, just to show her he needed a little moment to just suck in the information. Because Ash could see why she hadn't told him, she had gotten back together Cael, they had raised more kids together. It wasn't till this year that things had ended - that everything had changed. It could have ruined things for Zadkiel and Laila if she just suddenly had told him. It for sure would have shaken things up, and Eden had three more beautiful children.

Yes, there was a burning sensation of pain from not having known. But putting himself in her shoes, he had to let go of that pain, because he could see just how much pain she was in. "You did what you had to do," he breathed out looking at her again. "I'm not saying that I'm not hurt by the thought, because I am," he took a deeper breath in once again feeling his heart skip a beat. "But I also know what its like to have something and be afraid that it will change, so you keep it to yourself for a moment longer," he confessed. He could have told Cassian about Sebastian years ago, but he had wanted Sebastian to himself so scared of Bash would love Cassian more if he told him. He had come to realize that thought had been selfish, but he had to live with that.

She pulled a pained smile as he told her that he understood. Not it those direct words, but that he knew that she had done what she had to do at the time. Not that she believed him, but even the thought about not having Tien, Kemuel and Seraphina was so heart shattering for her that she would do it all over again. Every heartache, every night she had cried herself asleep alone in their bed. For those three children, she wouldn’t chance a thing. Not even for the man she loved, even as she knew that it was the harsh reality. A slow nod escaped her she had no idea what she should say at this point. She leaned against his desk, and with her fingers removed some of the fallen tears. She looked towards the window, seeing how rain was now falling against them. Matching her mood, their mood, so well. It was the harsh reality, and she had no idea where to go from here. Asking him if he wanted to tell them or let them keep thinking that Cael was their father. And if he wanted to let them now, how the rest of her kids would react. Would they hate her even more than they already did? Maybe she should never had stayed on earth, hidden herself away from her responsibility. Maybe, she should have kept up the show of being the perfect angel and just, lived out her days fighting demons and securing humanities safety. Nothing would be the same every again, and she, she still needed to figure out how to live her life now.

Ash could feel his jaw tighten, at least he was good at keeping his head cool. The thoughts didn't rush too fast to get processed, but took their time putting every single piece together, right now he could really use a drink or five. He sat down on the small couch that was placed in the right corner closest to the door to the office, placing his elbows on this thighs as he leaned a little bit forward catching his head. The demi-god took a long and sharp breath in, closing his eyes for just a moment. The logical part of him played in rather fast as usual, he wasn't one to give into his emotions too quickly,, he needed to know the plan and how they were going to deal with this. Was she planning on telling Zadkiel and Laila, the others? Or did she expect him to sit back and play nicely while figuring it out? Ash straightened his back before leaning back letting the couch catch him. "What are we going to do?" He then asked, wondering still, his mind trying to find a way to fix this, but there was no fixing it. "Because I can't just pretend that you didn't just tell me all of this," he scratched the left side of his beard a little as he dragged an even bigger breath in. "Maybe, maybe we should gather all the kids and tell them together - they deserve to know and then they can go from there -" Ash suggested moving his eyes towards Eden again.

What are we going to do.
Now that was an excellent question. She hadn’t thought about it, but she also knew that this wasn’t a secret that could stay hidden after she had told him. Because she wouldn’t be that cruel. Now that he knew, he deserved to be the father for his kids as he wanted to be. If Laila and Zadkiel wanted him in their life, that was another matter. She hoped they would take it alright, and that the other kids would. She felt how tears pressed towards the corner of her eyes again. What a mess this all was. A slow nod left her, and her eyes glided towards him as he told her that he couldn’t pretend that she hadn’t just told him all of this. She understood why and wasn’t about to tell him to. “Of course,” she whispered licking her lips turning her eyes towards Ash sitting in the couch with his head in his hands. “I didn’t expect you not to act on the information” she said with a faint smile, she wasn’t about to share just how scared she was what it would mean for her. She had only just gotten Seraphina to open up to her again. But this couldn’t be about her, they deserved the truth, and then she had to walk with the consequences of her actions on her shoulders. "Getting them all together and tell them, seems like the best idea" she added, agreeing with how it should be done. "When?" she then asked, trying to figure out how to do this.

Ash breathed out more relieved that he wasn't going to be sitting back and act like nothing had changed. Things just changed, and he had been so devastated by realizing Bash wasn't his by blood, so he therefor knew he couldn't pretend, and utterly grateful she wasn't forcing him to do so. She agreed to his offer being the best idea, he had no idea how any of the kids would react, not hers, not his or the ones they now shared. It was like placing a bomb in the middle of the dinner table and hope it didn't go off. The question was when. Ash knew with himself it had to be soon, otherwise he would just end up getting cold feet because of the fear on how Zadkiel and Laila would take it. How everyone would take it. Ash took a deeper breath in and looked to her again. "I think I can get the day after tomorrow off, it's short notice, but I will make it work - I can get Sebastian off as well, I'm sure Daisy will be fine with a day off as well," he scratched the back of his head a little. "Does that work for you as well?" Ash then asked, after all she did have her duties and all.

She nodded slowly giving him a half but still painful smile, she didn’t really know how to work from there. “Yes, I’ll make it work, family comes first after all” she said breathing out, her eyes looked towards the door leading out to the rest of the hospital. She could feel all the souls in here, how some prayed for forgiveness, Azrael had told her that she had to get used to tuning out the many prayers coming in every second of the day. There was never a single moment of her day where there was peace. She missed that, a quiet mind to think and be her own person.

“Guess, I’ll go back to the house and find out to get everyone gathered, should we do it at my… Talia’s place or yours?” she asked getting up on her feet looking towards the door before looking back at Ash sitting on the couch. She wanted nothing more than to sit down, kiss him and rekindle after the weeks they hadn’t been able to. But she couldn’t let herself do that, not after she had just hurt him by withholding information for years, information that could have helped her kids if she hadn’t been selfish.

Family comes first after all.
It was true, and his own values as well. Now, Ash didn't have much family, but he family he did have was highly treasured, even when it seemed like he wasn't the most caring person on the planet. His love was just saved to the ones closest to him. Ash had clearly on his own plate, now that Lexie had reconnected with her father again, suddenly she didn't need him to fill in that spot anymore, not that he blamed her - far from, and he would never have it against her. Ash just hoped she would tag along in this for the sake of Bash, because he feared how he would take in the fact that Ash had more kids, but in all this, he would realize even more than before - that he wasn't his by blood. "I think Talia's place might be best, given everything that has been going on - maybe they will find it the calmest space?" Ash suggested. With what had happened with Seraphina not long ago, and everything else in between and before - maybe their home was better than his, at least for this.

Ash took a sharper breath in and clicked his tongue a little, by telling she would go back to the house and get people gathered. Catching her eyes for a moment as she looked at him, she had left him quite confused, not sure how to process the information still. As much as he longed to just get up and embrace her, telling her they would figure this out, but he was puzzled and overwhelmed by the circumstances. "But, it sounds like a good idea," he breathed out, folding his hands in front of him, not taking his eyes of her yet. "Sorry, I just need some time to process," he apologized for being distant.

She nodded slowly, she wasn’t sure it was the calmest. They hadn’t even lived that long in the house before everything had been turned upside down. So, for all the small but good memories they had gotten after Eden had finally gotten free from Cael, they were quickly overshadowed with Tien falling back into abuse. Kemuel being kidnapped, and the fact that she had died but hadn’t come back in a way that she had been before. A cruel fate when you asked a family that couldn’t be with their mother as they used too.

A sad smile played over her lips as he told her that he just needed some time to process. She understood that, and there was a small part of her heart that wished that she didn’t. But there wasn’t a lot that she could do or say. She had put herself and him in this situation. And now it was time to face the consequences of them. “I understand, I’ll call you or text you when I figured out how to do this best” she felt how air was pulled through her nose, almost making her nauseas. Her tongue pressed out against her lips licking them before she turned her eyes from the doorknob to him. “See you soon then” she breathed before opening the door stepping out. Feeling like every step towards the exit felt like an hour and painfully slow.

It was stupid how jealous he had been when he had found out that Eden had children with Cael back then, that even though he had gotten back together with Jezebel on the first round - Ash had been seemly jealous of that Eden and Cael had been starting a family, but for it to resolve in her kids actually being his, at least two of them. It seemed like the lost treasure he had been seeking for in his dreams, but never had even dared thinking could be true - he was a doctor and yet he hadn't put the pieces together, because it seemed impossible. She said she understood, and despite his wishes to get up and tell her that he would see her later, his feet were stuck to her ground, it felt impossible to move. "I will get a hold of the others," he took a deeper breath in, sometimes thankful for the line of work he was in, used to putting the pressure and emotion that struck down, so it made him not get too much worked up. "See you soon," he replied as he watched her walk out the door. First as the door closed again he moved his hands up to his face, letting them run up to his hair and took a deeper breath in. Then he got up and packed his stuff not long before heading to the other doctors telling them that he needed the next few days off, because he had some family stuff to figure out. Then heading to Sebastian that was working here today as well, to tell him they needed a family meeting.