The heart of the matter

DATE 25th of September
TIME early morning between 5-6 am
WEATHER grey, foggy
OUTFIT Link
TOPIC FOR @Tien
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She was okay. She was okay. He repeated that to himself. She was alright. Now, she just needed to wake up. Sebastian took a sharper breath in, fiddling with his watch as he tried calming himself down. But he wouldn't be alright till she woke up. When Selene woke up, it would be okay. Even if they hadn't talked since that night, they had needed space. Bash wasn't blind to where it lead in the end. He knew he had to let it go. Maybe it was good in the end, just being by himself for a while. He had gotten a text from Lexie about how grateful she was for the call he had made her last night, still had yet to know why she had been needed at the Harbour. He got up the bench and went over to the small cafe where he saw and knew most of the doctors and nurses went to in their breaks, walking a triple expresso - he needed it. Shortly thought about bringing some up to Nigel and Irina that also still waited. He had just really needed some fresh air. He stepped out again with his drink when he saw Tien walk by. "Tien?" He asked a bit confused. He must have looked so confused, it not only by the worry that made him look like someone who hadn't slept for days, a bit pale perhaps. But he was surprised to see her here, at this hour. He hadn't seen her since they had come home from Fiji, what a turn of events that trip had been.

If Tien had a list for thing that she hated the most sleeping alone would be number one after all the things she could list above which had roots to Judas. She was never really able to sleep alone, even if she sought comfort by family members. It felt weird. They didn’t understand and even if they did, she didn’t feel like they understood. She missed Zadkiel’s arms, her mother’s arms, and Sebastian’s arms. Those were the arms she could feel comfortable in. She couldn’t even feel comfortable in Nicole’s arms. Not in the way she had felt comfortable with the others.
This night, she had laid in her bed, tossing, and turning for two hours before she had dared herself to knock onto Kemuel’s door and ask to sleep next to him. It had been so weird and eventually she had to leave. She was restless because thoughts were eating up any reason for her to be calm enough to rest. She left a note on the fridge with the text ‘On a walk – Tien’ written on it. She had walked for at least an hour or maybe even two, fidgeting with her finger rings. One of them had been one she had bought on her trip to Fiji. She walked mindlessly on the sidewalk, not really paying attention to where her feet was leading her, but hopefully she would get tired enough at one point and be able to sleep.

Her name was spoken, and she blinked a little before she slowed down and looked towards the voice. “Hi,” she said not really that happy to see him, but even though, her heart was still singing for him. Stupid heart. She released her fingers from each other’s grip and let them find their way into her jackets pockets as she turned around to approach him. She took a deeper breath in biting her bottom lip thoughtfully. “Waiting for your dad?” she wondered poking an eyebrow up. He looked out of it and she was actually slightly worried that something was wrong or if either Lexie or Aleks had hurt themselves or something alike.

Sebastian took a small sip of the strong coffee, he wasn't blind to that she wasn't happy to see him. He understood why. He had let her down, even if it was for her best interest and his own - it didn't mean it didn't hurt. He hadn't even got a chance to explain his burn out, but he didn't need pity or understanding for his actions, and he didn't wish to hurt her further. Bash wasn't sure how he should act, not right now, which was odd, he always knew how to act. It wasn't caused to the fact that it was Tien approaching him, it was for the worry that had built-up in his system like a bomb just waiting to explode. "No," he responded on his next exhale as she asked if he was waiting for his father. How did he begin to explain, he didn't want to explain, he just wanted Selene to wake up so he knew she was fine. "Someone very close to me was shot last night, but she made it through surgery - so now I just wait for her to wake up," he breathed out and cleared his throat a little bit, taking another mouthful of the coffee. "But two from Selene's family is here as well, and my father says she will recover so, it should be fine," he added with the cup not far from his lips, as he took another mouthful after he had finished his sentence. He had mentioned Selene before, his ex girlfriend, his close friend, a person that he loved. He wondered what Tien was doing out this time of day, but he also didn't really have much energy left in his body to ask, he hadn't slept for over twenty five hours - at this point he was caffeine.

He wasn’t waiting for his father. She clenched her jaws tighter. Then he was waiting for someone in the hospital. Shit. The way he looked, she knew it must’ve been something bad since he looked like someone who hadn’t slept for a long time and mostly just stayed awake because the caffeine didn’t let him sleep. So, he elaborated who he was waiting for. It sounded like a hell of a night. She looked down shortly while he took a mouthful of his coffee, “I’m sorry to hear that,” she said before she looked back up at him again. He explained that Selene was going to recover, and she nodded a bit. She remembered he had spoken about her. Good friend and ex-girlfriend. Something in her stirred about whether or not Sebastian and Selene were still on friendly terms, but it wasn’t for her to worry about. “I’m glad your dad could give you some assurance,” she said looking friendly at him. She swallowed a lump in her throat and looked over at the building shortly. “Do you want to talk about what happened? Or just some company?” she wondered and crossed her arms to warm her hands. “I know it’s coffee, but I can keep an eye out for any news if you want some rest,” she offered. She prioritized his comfort. She wanted to help, even though she wasn’t sure how much she could help him. She couldn’t read his mood and wants on his forehead like he usually had done with her – knowing when she wanted to be alone, when she wanted comfort, hugs and alike.

Some assurance, yeah, it was at least something. He didn't know what had happened last night, why she had been shot in the first place, but just by sitting long enough near Irina and Nigel, he knew it wasn't anything good. Now, now there wasn't much to do other than wait and hope she would recover. "I don't really know how much there is to talk about, I wasn't there, my father called me here - Cassian, ehm, but you know, you just feel sort of useless," he breathed out picking on his watch while looking at it for a moment. Sebastian felt restless, and worried, he was so worried it almost screamed out of him to a point where he was afraid of another meltdown, but he had it under control. Sebastian didn't say no to the company, but he also didn't want to make things more complicated between them. He knew he had hurt her, despite not wanting to it had become the end game of things, which in some ways perhaps had been for the best - he wouldn't have known how much it could have ruined her to see him in the meltdown he had back in bowling hall.

"I appreciate it, but I don't think I can sleep even if I tried to," he confessed with a softer voice looking back at her as he lifted the other hand up with the coffee to take a larger mouthful of the hot bitter drink almost burning his tongue. "How have you been?" He then asked, taking a deeper breath in. Not because he needed to remind himself of yet another person he had let down, but he also wanted to know, perhaps it could distract his mind just a little bit.

Tien held her breath for a moment at he explained that there wasn’t much to talk about, since he wasn’t there. Cassian had called him there. You know, you feel sort of useless. She understood what he meant, but it really hit somewhere else, like a dagger in her heart pulling it down. “Yeah,” she breathed out slightly hoarse. She knew how it felt to feel useless. Her eyes observed how he picked at his watch, and he couldn’t help but thinking how it reminded her of herself when she felt anxious or restless. She licked her lips a little.
She nodded a bit as he politely declined her as a look out, but she understood – or she felt like she understood why. She hadn’t been able to sleep for so long when her mother had been killed, but she had barely noticed when Zadkiel had been in the hospital. She felt so bad about that. She noticed how he looked back up at her, and her eyes quickly when to his face instead of his watch.
What a nice question. How had Tien been since they last talked, truthfully, she was still sober, but she felt so shitty and lonely, even though her family wanted to support her. Sleeping was as usually shitty when she was alone. She closed her eyes as she took a bigger breath and tightened her grip around her biceps for a short moment before she exhaled and looked at him. “Still sober,” she breathed out as if that was the most important thing. To some extend it also was, because that meant she hadn’t tried to escape whatever she felt or thought. Slightly restless her index finger scratched her arm a little. “So, I guess I’m okay,” she added. She looked at the hospital building for a moment think about whether she should add more or alike, “I just- I don’t really sleep,” she said and pulled on a tired smile. “It’s the usual,” she exhaled and licked her lips.

It wasn't like he couldn't tell, by the tired and trying smile she pulled, how she scratched her arm a little, but having her speak and being honest about how she was feeling - well that was the biggest step forward, even if Tien didn't notice that at the time. Bash pulled a small smile as she told him she still was sober, that was a good thing. "It's also okay not to be completely okay, it's a part of the process," he exhaled pulling his smile just a little bit bigger. It had been a reminder he had needed for himself over the last couple of weeks. She didn't sleep, he licked his lips a little bit and nodded, it wasn't like he got much sleep lately as well. "Me neither," he therefor confessed. Bash knew he always had been more of a stable piece, he didn't talk much about his own struggles. Hell, it had taken a complete melt down and almost destroying a bowling hall before he had taken his own mental state more serious. "Let me know if you ever need to talk - okay? I still care about you, you know," he took a deeper breath in and looked towards her. It wasn't like he had just flipped a switch that told him not to care or think different towards her - Bash had taken a step back from almost everything except his family, because he had needed to in the end.

Tien hated how difficult it was to talk to Sebastian now, but even though it was difficult, there was still something that was easy. He told her it was okay not to be okay. She looked away for a moment. She didn’t mean to be rude, but she rolled her eyes and blinked multiple times while doing so. It was a part of the process. God, she hated being reminded that it was a process. She couldn’t really bare to look into the future for the moment. She was just surviving and trying to take steps to make herself feel better. It was difficult enough by itself. Thinking about the future and what progress she might’ve or might not have made would take her breath away. She was here and that was what she wanted to focus on.
To her, it was about surviving. To others, it was about looking forward to the next day and what it could bring.

Her light eyes sought to his as he mentioned how he didn’t sleep either. She felt like her stomach turned and made knots on itself. She licked her lips shortly. “I’m sorry about that,” she almost whispered. She was curious to what kept him awake, but she felt conflicted in asking him, and possibly pushing him towards something he didn’t want to talk about, or not asking him, possibly leaving him wanting to talk, but not want to put the weight on her shoulders. ‘She had so much on her plate’ as people would say. Tien cared for others. She did. She let her arms wrap tighter around herself as he offered to talk if she wanted to. With no words she sat down next to him – careful of not knocking off the coffee. She sat there for a moment before she licked her lips and looked towards him, “Right back at ya,” she said and let her arms find their way to the edge of the surface they were sitting on. Something about what he had just told her made her heart ache – like usual. “I know you care. You care so much that you forget yourself,” she said and leaned back a little to look up at the sky. “-bastian, I had to make sure you took a day off to yourself back in Fiji,” she said with a slight chuckle before she glanced towards him, “You were so focused on everyone else,” She looked back up at the sky and took a deeper breath in, “I know it probably should be coming from me, but you should try being selfish. Put yourself first,” she suggested. That was what she had tried  for almost a year. It had gone terribly and made her unstable for the most part, but from then to now… Well, she was more traumatized, but she was heading in the right direction.

You care so much that you forget yourself. Her words hit him surprisingly hard, but it wasn't the first time he had been told this over the last few months. Sebastian pressed his brows a little bit together as she once again spoke, letting his eyes rest on her, reminding him that she had been having to time and time again remind him to take a day to himself. He let his eyes drop to the ground shortly as she mentioned he was so focused on everyone else. Her next choice of word made him chuckle a little bit lifting his gaze up again when she told him he should be a little selfish. "I will give it a shot," he got up and walked a step closer to her as he took a deeper breath in. "I hope to see you again very soon, I miss talking to you," he confessed with a warmer smile before placing a hand on her shoulder. "I should get back inside and see how things are before I go get some rest - you should try getting a nap in as well," he gave her a little half smile knowing in both their cases rest was easier said than done. "I will see you soon Tien," he gave her shoulder a soft squeeze before letting go and turned inside once again, he had to check up on Selene before he could at least allow himself to leave.
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Tien gave him a short smile as he mentioned he would give it a shot with being selfish. It made her a little happy that he would focus on himself. She pulled a soft and warmer smile as he mentioned he hoped to see her again soon and that he missed talking to her. She wanted to tell him that she agreed, that she wanted to see him more often and continue to talk, but as of right now she didn’t know if it would make things more difficult for her or the other way around.
“Yeah of course. I’ll try and take a nap,” she said, even though she knew deep down she wasn’t going to try. Her body wouldn’t let her sleep. “See you soon,” she repeated pulling on a soft smile and watched how he turned to walk back in. “Good luck with your rest,” she called to him. As soon as he was out of sight she exhaled and continued on her stroll into nothingess.
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Out