My heart

Amaryllis had gotten back from wonderland and heard about everything that had happened. She wanted to see Karmena, but things never lined up for them, and she felt a gnawing sensation in her stomach. The trybrid had turned to escaping her pain, drinking wonder tea in secret and just laying back on her bed for hours. It was better than sleeping and having nightmares. She stumbled out of her room, giggling a bit to herself and swayed down the hallway as if music was playing, but none came from anywhere. She froze as she stumbled into someone and looked up and saw the young woman she loved. ”Karm,” she breathed out, taking a step back, trying to collect herself and seem sober. She played a bit with her hair that she had cut shorter in Italy. It was fun to play with, but right now she wished to have more to hide in. ”Hi,” she said a bit flustered, not knowing where to start with everything.

Losing the baby she had kept hidden from everyone, being in hell and confronted by her killer, then to come back and pretend like she wasnt hurting? A few knew of her secret, but it had been hard to act tough ever since she came back. So instead of having to see everyone, she spent most days on the rooftop where she watched the city lights and lost herself in the noise of vehicles. It was her way of dealing with her issues that no one could begin to imagine felt like. She had just been on the roof and found her way to the hall as she spotted the trybrid. A flow of emotions that she didnt want to feel came rushing and the strongest was the shame from keeping the secret from her. Amaryllis stumbled into the vampire who turned her eyes down to her, shifting between her eyes as if she was looking for something.
If she had to be honest, she hadnt really been paying much attention to Amary since she got back, and now that they were here in front of one another, she realized how idiotic she had been for staying oblivious. Something was off, by the way the trybrid played with her hair, but Karmena only thought that it was the time they had spent apart. She sighed and ran her fingers through her hair, feeling her walls come up to surround her from the hurt. "Goodevening," she replied, as she grabbed the trybrid's hand and entangled their fingers. "I havent been honest with you," she then said blantantly, but she had never been the one for smalltalk, and asking if the trybrid was fine would be a dumb question - No one was ever fine in this household.

Amaryllis hadn’t been ready to face anyone as her normal self, mostly just hanging out with Vanya and listening to music. It calmed her down. She knew that Karmena had been to hell, but she was kept mostly in the dark, respecting Karmena’s wish to tell most of the things herself. The trybrid hated that wall that seemed to seperate them right now and looked down a bit flustered. She felt their fingers entangle and smiled a bit to herself, holding back a giggle at the feeling. She looked up to Karmena as she said she hadn’t been honest and she furrowed her eyes. ”Me first, please,” she said in a begging tone. She swallowed and bit her lip, then exhaled deeply. ”Dean grabbed my ass,” she said. She had felt so guilty about it, but it hadn’t been her fault. Or had it? The memories from that day was kinda hazy. ”I threathen to scramble his memories if he did it again, so don’t worry – I just …” she said not knowing where to go with it all. They were in the middle of a hallway, maybe not the best place to stand talking about this. She pulled the vampire with her to Amaryllis’ room that had a few books laid out on the floor in a circle. ”Tell me everything,” she said, sitting down on the bed.

She nodded with a numb expression at the trybrid's beg and shifted between her eyes as she seemed to gather courage for what she was about to say. But what she said didnt really seem to move the vampire, she just stared at her and made another oddly calm nod. Amaryllis continued, and Karmena scoffed by the end, "You shouldnt feel guilty about it. It sounds like a normal thing happened for once in this damned time," she then finally said before her girlfriend pulled at her arm and dragged her to her room. She turned her gaze to the books on the floor, and said nothing of it. It was like she didnt mind the mess at all.
When Amaryllis sat down, Karmena chose to stand, moving her eyes to the window that she shortly after approached. She looked out at the garden and watched the trees in the distance move at the blows of wind that went through their branches. "I was pregnant, before I died," she then said to break the silence and turned her eyes to Amaryllis. A hint of sadness was deeply buried underneath the numb expression, and she moved her eyes back to the window. "But that's not what's bothering me at the moment," she added as her eyes followed a bird in the distance. She turned to Amaryllis and walked over to her before she sat down on the bed and grabbed her girlfriend's hand, looking down into her palm.
"I dont know what's in your system. But it's something out of this world, that much I know," she then said as she turned her eyes to the trybrid. She had smelt the tea in her breath and it had this odd smell that bore some sort of magic in it. But she hadnt only smelled it in her girlfriend, she had smelled it in Vanya too, in some of the others, this odd smell that was dangerously alluring, like the finest blood in the world. She moved her eyes down to Amaryllis' palm again, pulling her indexfinger along the lines that formed this beautiful hand of hers. "And I feel that if I had been there for you when you needed me, you wouldnt have needed this," she then said and lifted her eyes to meet with the beautiful green ones that she couldnt seem to recognize in this moment.

Part of her felt relieved that Karmena didn’t mind this confession, but another part of her felt angry. Didn’t she hear what she had said? Dean. Had. Grabbed. Her. Ass. She let out a sigh as she once again felt like she wasn’t really being heard. Maybe that was why she kept to herself, reading all of those spellbooks and only coming out to eat when she felt like it. Going to her room she still felt out of place and as Karmena confessed she felt like her body went numb. Why was everyone always passing her by like she was a bystander? Amaryllis watched Karmena without saying a word as she was afraid to say something she might regret. ”Did he know?” was all she could muster up courage to say in this moment. She felt it cut at her heart, because she knew who the father was. She took a deep breath, looking down and not knowing how to respond. Karmena took her hand and just looked at their hands touching. Their temperatures colliding in this moment was an odd feeling. As the vampire finished speaking, Amaryllis pulled her hand to herself and got up from the bed. ”Why are you always making this about everyone else?” she said in a weak yet angry voice. She shook her head, she wasn’t supposed to get angry, but people always treated her like a delicate flower.

”All of us have a way of coping, alright? My ways are just always wrong, because I am always the one at fault,” she said, raising her voice and feeling the anger inside of her. Amaryllis hated getting angry and it always showed her glowing orange eyes. Since getting here she had gotten her beast under control somewhat, and the year in wonderland had tested her abilities more than plenty. ”You all always treat me like I’m a little kid, but what about Vanya? Lion just fucking whiped her memory clean out, and all of you haven’t said a word about it!” she said in anger, but keeping her voice down as to not draw more attention to herself. Amaryllis felt her body shake, but she kept standing, looking at the vampire she loved and cared for. At times she wondered why everyone was treating her with this care. It didn’t seem to spring from love, nor any other thing, so what was it about her that screamed weak?

”Could you maybe spend one day – one day where you actually let yourself feel how hurt you are?” she asked Karmena looking at her dark eyes. Those dark eyes that always were filled with such love seemed more distant than ever. Maybe Amaryllis wasn’t using the tea in the correct way, but Karmena escaping from her own emotions wasn’t healthy either. ”I am not perfect Karm, no one is, but I just need to act and feel anything but misery in this whole world,” she said in a hurting voice and walked closer, grabbing Karmena’s hands and looking her deeply in the eyes. ”Karm, you died and I didn’t know – no one told me before after I got back and do you know what that tells me?” she whispered feeling her eyes calm back down to the green color as she was closer to the vampire. Karmena just had a way of taming her inner beast, even when she didn’t try. ”It tells me that people are afraid of how I might react, because I fucking love you, okay – I care for you in a way that scares me at times and I’m only a sixteen year old stupid teenager, for crying out loud!” she said looking down at their hands.

When she asked if Dean knew, Karmena's eyes darkened for a bit as she looked away, gulping quietly as she took a while to answer. "No. He still doesnt know. I didnt tell him," she admitted, keeping her eyes on the ground for a while as she felt quite guilty. Hadnt she died, she knew she'd have to tell him at some point, because it would show. But now when the baby was dead and gone, she thought it be best to not let him know, spare him the hurt. "I dont want him to know," she then said, her eyes sad as they stayed on the floor.
The anger made Karmena frown slightly, "You know that's not true," she said in a stern tone, keeping her eyes on the orange ones that seemed to fueled with anger. Stern probably wasnt the right approach, but Karmena had never been that good with emotions after all. She thought that maybe a strict tone would calm the beast, but it seemed that the anger had come to stay.
"I didnt know about Lion and Vanya," she said in a numb tone as her stoic expression remained the same, but she wasnt lying. In all that had happened, she had stayed out of everyone's way, trying to gather herself little by little. She had done well up to this point, but it would soon seem that her attempt would have been for nothing. She watched the trybrid shake in anger, and she wanted to comfort her, but she knew that it would have just angered Amaryllis further, so she kept sitting on the bed, folding her hands as she sighed deeply.
"What good would come out of that? Everyone's a mess. Someone has to be strong," she argued, but she already felt the emotions starting to crawl out of their hiding holes, she felt her eyes get a little wetter but she was quick to blink them away to let them go unnoticed. She listened to her words as the trybrid walking closer, feeling her lip tremble slightly at the hurt in her tone. She wanted to say something, something that could make it all be better, but what could she say?
She looked down at their hands, shaking with hurt and anger as her eyes went up to meet the trybrid's green ones, the ones she loved so much, except now they were orange, her beastly eyes. But Karmena loved those alike, because they belonged to Amaryllis. Her whisper was like the calm before the storm, except it wasnt calm, it was already storming through everything, making the vampire's lip tremble unwillingly. She was trying so hard to keep together, but it was so hard to be so strong all the time. She gulped turning her eyes away as she listened to her words, closing her eyes for a bit before she let the silene fall over them for a bit, her shaking exhale being the only thing that slipped up. She opened her eyes and looked at Amaryllis as she wrapped her arms around her, pressing her close to her body as she let go, let her feelings overrun her in a way she hated so much. Tears started rolling and she pressed her face onto the trybrid's shoulder as she cried in silence, "I was trying to be strong for you!" she whimpered loudly, muffling her words in the fabric of Amaryllis' shirt, lifting her eyes to look at the trybrid with a broken look. "I lost my life, I lost my child. I dont want to lose you too," her voice was faint and cracking up as she felt like she was choking. Feeling emotions this strong wasnt her strongsuit so she didnt exactly know how to handle it.
She let go of the trybrid, got to her feet in a stumble as she staggered to the window, her shoulders trembling as she pulled her arms around herself. Seeking comfort had never been her thing to do whenever she let herself go, so it wasnt surprising that she had to get out of the embrace. "I dont know what to do. I dont know anything anymore. I am giving up," she admitted in a frustrated tone as she covered her mouth to muffle a whimper, feeling tears stream down her face. "All I wanted for us was to be happy. I wanted us to have this child, raise it with love. But that was fairytale thinking, it was a dumb thought for a dumb fucking teenager," she then said as she rubbed her cheeks, looking at Amary before she shook her head. "Sometimes I lay at night, thinking that maybe it was for the better if Vanya hadnt stopped me," she then suddenly admitted, clenchng her fist as she pressed it against the frame of the window, she wanted to hit it, but violence wasnt going to do anything. Then she realized that her admission had been so out of place and she didnt really mean it in the way she did, because that would mean Amary was still with Ramsay. She rubbed her face and shook her head, "I'm sorry," she then said as she closed her eyes for a bit before she looked at Amaryllis. "I just dont know what to do anymore. I want to go home," she then said, feeling her head churning at the hurting. "...Just wanna go home..." she whimpered, sticking her head down like she was trying to shield herself.

Amaryllis knew it, of course that damn werewolf knew nothing. What had Karmena expected, just to show up one day and be like: ’Surpriiiiiiise, here’s the kid I birthed’? No that wouldn’t work. ”I know it’s true, because everytime somethings happens it links back to me – every single hurting person in this damn mansion is because of me, and I have to live with that fact!” she yelled feeling her eyes water. She didn’t want to yell, but she felt so sick and tired of being dismissed all the time. People ignoring her, not telling her things and treating her like a kid that couldn’t be controlled. She took a deep breath as Karmena revealed she didn’t know about Lion and Vanya, but that wasn’t what Amaryllis was trying to say. She exhaled as the vampire kept arguing for being strong, but the trybrid saw right through that act. ”Being strong will help no-one if you are too hurt to even function; I was a fucking mess and I still am, but I am trying to deal with it – I am trying to become myself but every time I feel the slightest piece of me get back, it get’s pulled out of me because someone else is hurting,” she said. Amaryllis closed her eyes and placed her arms around Karmena as she pulled her closer. She felt the bloody tears, smelt the metal that came from them and listened to her. She grabbed Karmena’s face between her hands and forced her to look at her, but before she could say anything the vampire moved out of their embrace and walked over to the window.

”And you think I know what to do?” she whispered shaking her head. This was messed up, everything was. It was like this whole world was against them every day, and Amaryllis had had about enough. Her words hit her and she looked away, tears streaming down as Karmena said she still wondered about her existence. ”Then I would have gotten what I deserved; a life in that damn cell and nothing to comfort me but my own halluscinations,” she said swallowing. She walked over, taking Karmena’s hand in hers and looking at her. ”We are both stupid teenagers, and to be honest I miss acting like one,” she said, rubbing her thumb over the back of the vampire’s cold hand. She looked into Karmena’s dark eyes as she confessed that she wanted to go home. This time Amaryllis didn’t take any chance and placed a hand on the vampire’s cold cheek, whiping away the bloody trail from her tears. She took a deep breath.

”Look at me,” she pleaded and as she felt like Karmena was she nodded carefully, not taking her eyes off of hers. ”Now I’ll tell you how I am staying sane in this world, alright? But you have to keep it a secret between us,” she said, her hand moving from Karmena’s cheek to remove some of the dark locks behind her ear. ”When I look at your eyes, I feel home – and I want you to look at my eyes and feel home as well,” she whispered. She still felt anger in her system, but she felt more in the need of comforting her hurting girlfriend. ”And maybe I’m naive, but I would have loved the shit out of anything that would have any inkling of you in it,” she whispered in reference to the deceased child. Amaryllis would not be ready for a child, far from it, because she was a kid herself. ”I love you, Karmena Hale, and I will try my best to be there for you, but you have to let me in,” she whispered.

Amary's yell was enough to silence her for a bit, knowing that whatever she had wanted to say wasnt going to make this better. She simply nodded and kept her face stoic but her eyes were so sad. Why couldnt she see that she wasnt the sole root of all these problems? Well Karmena wasnt even sure whose fault it was, but she would be damned to let Amary burden herself with it all, it couldnt be.
When she cried, the trybrid's words hadnt soothed her, but it was simply the facts of being here. There simply couldnt be a time without someone hurting, someone being gone.
"I dont think any of us have any fucking idea of what to do. And that's the problem with this god forsaken place. We all run around like headless chickens, playing hero, playing strong but the fact is that none of us have any fucking idea what we're doing!" she exclaimed, her frustration taking a peak before she felt the shame of letting her emotions get such a grip on her. She never meant to raise her voice like that, but frankly she didnt even mean to feel anything in this way. She felt a longing to flee to the roof again, hide from everyone and just suffer in silence. She felt the shame double as Amary served her a piece of the outcome from her mindless words that she had come to deeply regret uttering. She looked at their hands and swallowed as she listened to her words. She lifted her head up and sighed deeply, a tremble that felt like a thunderstorm inside her.
Her plea made the vampire look at her even though she was scared to. It was probably the last lingering part of her trying to be strong that lashed out, but looking into the eyes of the trybrid calmed some of the tears that now streamed down at a irregular speed. She felt the hand on her cheek and listened as she closed her eyes for a second, a short sniffle followed as she opened her eyes to look into the green ones. Her whisper made Karmena's lip tremble as she opened her mouth slightly, as she was right. Her comforting words about the child made Karmena whimper as she placed her arms around the trybrid, pulling her close as she heard her last whisper. She looked down at the trybrid, placing a hand over her cheek as she leaned down and placed a kiss on the soft lips she seemed to have missed so dearly. She closed her eyes for a bit as she collected herself, when she opened them again, the tears had stopped running down her cheeks.
"Amaryllis, you have my heart," she said as she sniffled again, holding the trybrid as close as she could, sniffling a few more times as she was searching for her words. "I want things to go back to normal. To being this dysfunctional piece of shit that barely showed emotions," she let go of Amaryllis and took a few steps back before she walked over to a drawer, knowing this was Amaryllis' room but she knew the trybrid would never open it. She pulled out a box and looked at it before she turned to Amary, walking back to her and placing the box in her hands, "I wanted to ask you to marry me and hope that we could feel at least something good in this hellhole," she shook her head as she placed the box in Amary's hands and closed their hands around it. "But not even that could make any of this right. Make our problems magically disappear and let us breathe," she looked down at their hands before she let go and moved over to a chair, sitting down and covering her face. Everything just seemed like a mess, a big cesspool of problems that were drowning both of them slowly but surely.

Amaryllis knew her temper would get out of control from time to time, and it showed so clearly in her beastly eyes that glinted orange for a second as she shook her head. She had gotten better at controlling her temper, but sometimes her emotions just took a feeling and ran with it. Karmena was right. She always were, but that didn’t bother Amaryllis much. Taking her hand did her a world of good, calming her system. Feeling her arms around her made her sigh, nuzzling her head against her chest as she relaxed a bit. Then came the cold lips, making her body react so strongly. Karmena had been her first kiss, but when she felt those full lips against her own, she didn’t feel the need to feel any other’s lips. Her jaw trembled as the vampire pulled away, feeling a bit lost in her emotions. Her words made her look down as she just stood in her arms, her own wrapped tightly around her waist. As Karmena moved, she let go, watching her carefully as she whiped away her own salty tears, sniffling a bit and taking a deep breath. Her green eyes followed the vampire’s movements. Her words made her frown. Marriage? The vampire placed a box in her hand and as she let go to sit down Amaryllis bit her lower lip as she looked at the box. She swallowed, barely even capable of opening the box as she looked at it.

”Karm – We’re kids,” Amaryllis argued. Marriage – that was something her parents had, something the grown ups around her had established. What would marriage do to two teenagers? She knew that Reginald and Mariella was engaged, but was that starting a trend? Was this just because Karmena felt pressured to promise her something that maybe none of them could truly promise? She shook her head as she looked at the vampire. She placed the still closed box on a table, walking to the vampire she held so dear, crouching down and sitting in front of her. ”I haven’t even lost my virginity and you think I’m ready for this?” she asked a bit in teasing, smiling softly at the vampire. She knew that her girlfriend meant well, but they were young and dumb – had they not just agreed on that fact? She took a deep breath. She took Karmena’s hand, kissing it gently as she thought about what to say. Amaryllis had never thought of marriage other than the fact that her parents were married and the fact that her friend’s parents’ were married as well. The trybrid knew that her parents were in a happy marriage, but it hadn’t been without sacrifice.

”I don’t need an object to know that I like you and you like me back,” she said in a rather calm voice. She found it a bit silly. Taking another deep breath she got to her feet and took the box, playing with the lid a bit as she bit her lower lips once more. She held it in one hand, then the other as she weighed everything out in her mind. ”Why would you want to marry me?” she asked a bit confused. She knew that she was in love with Karmena, head over heels actually, but this felt fast. It felt like an impulse, and that was not Karmena’s typical response.

//Out <33//