You're blind to whats around you [TW]

Dedicated to @Killian

DATE | 13th of August 2021
TIME | Evening
WEATHER | Very hot
WHERE | Fiji
ATTIRE | Bathing suit & Kimono

Trigger warning | PTSD, violent dreams and anxiety

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Killian had been occupied with a meeting that had happened yesterday and how someone had gotten some wrong numbers and prices. He had been trying to communicate with the meetings attenders to explain to them, that they weren’t getting a deal to half the price. It was a frustrating task and it had already made him feel somewhat bugged, so when Artemis had started yelling and pulled his phone of his hand, he looked at her with raised brows. He was trying to fix the things that wasn’t under control. He knew how it had been when Cassian had been gone for a while, and didn’t wish to put extra load onto Cassian, even though he probably could handle it. Putting Killian’s work away was something he hadn’t done in many, many years.
Artemis started to talk about how he was estranged from his daughters because apparently, he never really was there. He didn’t quite understand what she was rambling about, because of course he could work while he was with his daughters – right? She then gave examples on how he had never really been attending at the dinners here in Fiji because he had been working. “I just have to make sure everything is going alright,” he said and put one of his hands towards her, “I’ll just reply one mail and you can have it,” they both knew it was a lie, because he couldn’t even send one mail without receiving two more. It was massive. “It’ll make me relax,” he tried to convince her. He was almost like a drug addict. He just needed his massive fix of work to relax, and he needed it often. He simply got nervous if he didn’t have the ability to check his sales, meetings, and papers. “Tonight, we’ll have a dinner with no electronics, I promise,” he tried to make amends, even though he knew it would be difficult and that he would be trying to find a way where he could work at the same time.

Killian took his hand down with a sigh as Artemis told him no. He was no child, even though he felt like Artemis acted like one the way she had her emotional outburst right now. He relaxed when he was working, he was sure of it. Sure, his shoulders were hard as rock and he never slept, but he was relaxed! He nodded a bit as a reply with slightly widen eyes as she asked if it relaxed him. He didn’t understand what was wrong about feeling relaxed when he was working. It just meant that he enjoyed his job – right? But she wasn’t happy about any of it. She didn’t even like his offer about the dinner out which made his heart feel a little heavier. He remembered the shipment malfunction and how he had been leaving, but it hadn’t been an hour, had it? He wanted to comment on the fact that she didn’t think it was ever just one thing with him, but he shut his mouth instead, because he knew that she was somewhat right. One thing led to another – he just didn’t want to admit to it. He watched how she put his phone into the safe and took a deeper breath in, “Really?” he exhaled and licked his lips, trying to relieve some of the stress he felt he carried from not being able to keep up with the work.

He had things under control.

Her question about his youngest daughter wasn’t that hard to reply to. They had texted a couple of hours ago and if she meant spoken to her, it was before they had left for the private plane where he had told her where to find Starla’s medicine and what to do if they run out. He had told her these things plenty of times, but just wanted to reassure that she knew it. But Killian shut his mouth as Artemis almost bit his head of with elaborating her question. He felt his stomach turn and a headache growing in his head. “Stop,” he said calmly, but also to calm himself. She wasn’t right. Mary-Jane knew how he had grown up and his favorite color – right? Artemis convinced him when she mentioned that Mary-Jane had made herself dumber just to be with him. He hadn’t noticed that. He had noticed her grades were excellent. “I-” he was cut of hand he let his lips turn to a thin line thinking and processing. She started talking about Iris and how she made pranks with everyone. That was it correct? “I miss home,” he replied in almost the same tone as Artemis herself, “I miss seeing my children but staying here just builds up the load of work I have to do when I get home,” She didn’t really understand the load of work, did she? “I have to work so I can spend time with them,” he said, clearly not noticing that no matter how much work he did, the pile of work just didn’t get smaller. “I agreed to go here to spend some time with you here and I’m doing everything I can to make it pleasurable for the both of us, but clearly what I do isn’t correct, since I’m thinking about how the hell I’m going to be able to even communicate with my daughters if I’m drowning in work.” – “And they got friends too, so they’re barely home whenever I’m off!” he tried to explain himself, but every excuse was just yet another bad excuse.

She wasn’t on the same page as him – or the other way around. She explained how she felt about being pointed out as the bad guy and how she knew he had plenty of people who could do the job he did while he was on a vacation. He swallowed a little lump in his throat as he watched how she opened the safe with a simple wave of her hand. He approached her, looking at her standing there with her arms crossed like a child who didn’t get what she wanted. He stood between the safe and her and slowly reached towards, the safe. Not taking his eyes of the tall woman, but as he grabbed his phone he only pressed on the button to shut it off before he closed the safe and turned fully towards her. The safe wasn’t locked right now. “Tell me, what work should I do?” he asked with slightly raised brows both wondering if she was going to lecture him in parenting, delegating or simply just being with her – or maybe she told him to take his papers and do his thing.

Killian was pleased to see her smile, but as soon as he had said his words, it was like everything crumbled again. What had he done wrong now? Wasn’t she happy that he had turned the phone off an turned his attention to her? He was somehow slightly speechless as she mentioned that she believed that he thought she was ungrateful. “No- what where are you going to be?” he wondered with small wrinkle between his brows. He watched how she grabbed some of her things and his eye flickered a little to keep up with her pace. Why was she leaving? Did she have somewhere else to stay? He tried to approach her, “Artemis,” he breathed out trying to make sure she calmed down. He didn’t want to admit that he always neglected his problems and bad behavior, but maybe they could talk about it. Everything he had done right now was much more than he had ever done to at least Mary-Jane. He couldn’t read Mary-Jane and therefore she would often have taken off a lot earlier than Artemis was about to do.

He tried to get a hold on her but it seemed like she had already made up her mind. “Stop,” he begged, even though some people would believe it was a soft order. “Stay,” he continued, but it didn’t matter. I love you so much…
She opened the door. “A-Artemis,” he almost stuttered. He had always his words in check, but not this time. She ran out and he was slower than her to get out and just watched how she ran away. He licked his lips a little. He knew he could catch up to her if he wished to, but she was a grown up and clearly knew what she wanted the most right now, and it wasn’t being with him. He went back inside when he couldn’t see her anymore and grabbed a glass of some alcohol. The room was so much emptier when she wasn’t here, even if she wasn’t messy, she just took up a lot of space. Her aura and personality usually roamed every corner of the room, and now everything felt so empty and cold. He sighed another time and put the glass next to the desk he had worked at the last couple of nights. He went to the big window for a moment and wondered when she would be back either to hear him apologize for not being there, or to borrow the private plane so she could get home. Many things were possible. At some point he turned around and looked towards the safe.

Before he knew of it, he had pulled all the papers and his laptop out of the safe and started mailing. While he replied to the mails, he added to every mail that he would let a specific person take over so he could have an actual holiday. Eventually, while writing a mail to Cassian, he fell asleep. His elbow was on the table and his head resting in the palm of his hand, pushing the glasses he was wearing. His was just about to add his signature so he could send it. In it was written that he had delegated his mails and assignments to whoever had the right position or rank to actually take care of the task. He had to know after all. Killian hadn’t even noticed he had gotten tired, because the discussion had taken some of his happy energy and he had believed it was just the aftermath of the discussion.

It had been an eternity since Killian had gotten sleep and therefore, he didn’t really register that he was either being spoken to nor moved onto the bed. It took a little while before he woke up and figured he was laying in bed. What time was it? He rolled to get out of the bed, only resulting in him actually falling out of bed with a loud noise and a long and pained grunt. After all, he wasn’t used to holidays nor sleeping, so he automatically thought he was behind schedule. He could hear that someone was in the bathroom and the pieces started to be put together, remembering what had happened just before he fell asleep. Artemis and him had been fighting because he didn’t put his work away… So she had left… And he had… The mails. Completely dizzy he got up from the floor and supported himself to the closest wall walking his way towards where he had been sitting and working while she had been gone. He just had to make sure Cassian had received the mail, because if not, he was certain that something was going to end up wrong and- There stood Artemis. He closed his eyes shortly, clearly tired from the short nap he had had. “I- eh,” he said still sleeping mentally. He couldn’t tell her that he just had to write one more mail, he was so certain that it would piss her off again. “I just have to check the mails I’ve send,” he tried and scratched the back of his head hoping to pass her to… Where was he even?

She took his hand and when she told him that he needed to sleep he didn’t really tell her no and just followed. She had seen the mail and sent if for him. “That’s so sweet of you,” he said slowly. People would probably think that he had been drinking if they had seen him right now. He sat down on the edge of the bed and kept his sight fairly well on her, until he closed his eyes while she was speaking. She felt a small correction in how he sat and opened his eyes again. He wanted to help with the buttons and started on working on the last one, but he couldn’t keep his eyes at her while he did it like he used to do. He had to look at the button while he did it, especially because his eyes failed him one at the time. One eye closing after the other. “Yeah no, it’s probably not good for one’s health,” he mumbled without really realizing what he said. He would never admit to doing something wrong.
As she leaned in towards him he rested his head towards her… her warm delicate skin and- herbs? He looked up at her quite quickly, getting hit with dizziness again. “Did you… Where’s… How do you know about my herbs?” He couldn’t really figure out what he wanted to ask of her, but the final question was something he was quite satisfied with.  He was pushed down like a doll and felt like he submerged with the bed. “Did Iris walk the dog?” he mumbled and scratched his forehead. Killian hadn’t had a pet with Iris or Mary-Jane, but he didn’t remember that right now. “-Starla get her medicine?” he continued mumbling, closing his eyes for a moment letting his hand cover his eyes. He looked up at Artemis again as it seemed like she was about to pull his pants of, “Miss?” he spoke softly to make her look up at him, as he had bent his neck to look at her, “Will you be sleeping by my side tonight?” he wondered even though she had done that every other night. He was just worried that she was going to leave or sleep somewhere else – with someone else.

“T-that dog we got, right?” Killian mumbled trying to collect his thoughts, but he clearly couldn’t remember when he had gotten it, what species it was nor what the name of the dog was. It was just a dog. He breathed out exhausted as she replied to both of his weird questions. “Good,” he exhaled.
“Wha- what canana boy?” he spoke almost being more awake than before, even though he did even say cabana correctly. As she pulled him up he smiled at her quite lovingly, something he did rarely. She moved him around and put him under the covers. He smiled pleased as she said she would be staying there for the night. “Take your time,” he replied as she said she would be right back, but as soon as she wasn’t in the room anymore he had fallen back into sleep. Though in his sleep, when she came back into bed, he didn’t hesitate to roll onto his side and lay a hand around her. For once he allowed himself to sleep.


It only lasted about four hours before Killian started having nightmares and started to move around in the bed. “Medic,” he mumbled and turned around with the duvet and kicked a little. “Medic,” he mumbled again. Sweat started to form on his body. “No-no-no” he mumbled moving his hands a little along with the bed. With an explosive movement he sat up, eyes wide open and panting. He closed his eyes and rubbed his eyebrows a little, making them unruly and groaning a little unsatisfied.. Sleep was torture.

For a start he didn’t really realize that she spoke his name. His thoughts were spiraling trying to convince him that it wasn’t true and that it was just a dream. No, a nightmare. A fucking nightmare. And he felt like he was five again and wanted to crawl into his mothers’ bed to seek comfort for the night. He tried to catch his breath from the panic and calm his heartrate down. “It’s just a nightmare,” he panted a bit feeling how his fingers got wet from the rubbing. He didn’t pay much attention to how she sat up or covered her body. He covered his eyes in his palm and rested his head there for a moment as she let her fingers glider over his face and to his neck.

He glanced towards her as she asked if he wanted something to drink. “Yeah,” he exhaled and started rubbing his face. A glass was handed to him, and he raised his hand to take it, not minding the fact that he was shaking a bit. He took a sip of it and closed his eyes, trying to process it. “I really thought this shit was over,” he mumbled. It had been way too long since Killian had actually slept, and he had hoped that the time between last time he slept and now that he would’ve made some progress with the nightmares. But no. “I’m sorry I woke you up,” he sniffled and dried his face again.

He was glad that she liked the little joke he said about how much sleep he had gotten. The herbs really did its wonders. Her touch continued to soothe him. Ground him. He was here and not on the field. “It’s okay for now- oh okay,” he smiled a little and dried his face once more before he wrapped his arm around her again. He was right here with Artemis in Fiji. He gave her a soft hum to the fact that he would try and sleep again. “You’re so strong,” he mumbled as a comment to her wanting to fight off the nightmares. It took a little while before he got to close his eyes.

They fell asleep in each other’s arms and actually got to sleep a whole lot, but for every hour, it was like the nightmare which would wake him would get worse and worse.

The field was completely dark, and only lit up occasionally whenever a bomb fell, or something was on fire. He was filled with dirt and mud and crawled between some fellow mates. Many who needed a medic or was dead. He pulled up his gun and shot the enemies. He mumbled some words which made quite a lot of the enemies burn. He tumbled around and when he looked towards the enemies, he mumbled a few more words which resulted in roots picking up living enemies and dragging them underground. He crawled up from the place where he had been hiding and started marching towards the enemy base. He had quite the team with him, covering his back. He mumbled another spell as they got closer creating a shield around the team so they could get right into the middle of the hell. Another spell was cast, making every enemy fall to their knees, drowning in blood.

The worst thing about this nightmare was the sleep talking and how he managed to create illusions in his sleep. The whole room was a picture of the nightmare he was going through and how his own mates got killed right in front of him. Shot. Grenade. Bomb. Fire. Stepped on. And then there was the two small girls in the middle of it. Girls who looked like much younger versions of his two youngest daughters. He saw how enemies surrounded them with a whole lot of other children. One by one children were shot, and Killian shouted as many spells he could to make sure his daughters wasn’t going to get hurt.

He laid quite still in his bed, but there was a frown on his head and sweat piling up on his face. He couldn’t save them.

The voice rang in all of his dream. It was very known, and a picture of a calm pale woman appeared in his dream and in the illusion he had made. She talked to him and handed her hand to him, and he took it. His real hand even held onto hers, but not that hard. “Iris… M-Jane” he mumbled in his sleep still not complete convinced by it just being a dream. The illusions didn’t change what was happening in his dream.

He saw them cry and how Iris held her younger sister close and told her things would be alright soon – and then they were split from each other. Crying and screaming each other’s names. “No!” he yelled tightening his grip in her hand a little – shaking. In his dream he was running towards his children. He had to choose who he would go to first and in panic he went for Iris, but as soon as he had gotten a hold on her he heard a gunshot and saw how his youngest daughter fell dead to the ground. “NO!” he screamed, but as he had removed his focused from Iris – she got shot. Right there in his arms. He looked up towards the killer and…

He quickly got up, feeling how his mouth was filled with water and ran to the toilet through the illusion. His head was in the toilet and if he hadn’t been bathed in sweat twice, he was completely soaked now. Feeling weak, he tumbled down and sat with his back against the sink with half closed eyes. He grabbed his forehead and tried to breathe properly.

He got pulled into a hug and he breathed out in a loud exhausted sigh. His free hand found it’s way to her thigh, too weak to find it’s way around her back right now. He closed his eyes tight as she explained that both he and his daughters were safe. They were the most important. He made short sob and got his arm to fold around her, but he was weak. It was incredible how much throwing up could do to once body. It took so much energy or had there been something else that had taken so much energy? It almost felt like it also was his magical energy that had been used.

Even though he was soaked and felt utterly sick from what his own mind had put him into, he could feel how something wet touched his shoulder. “No, no,” he mumbled exhausted and tried to pull her closer with no success. Shortly he turned his head feeling like he had to throw up again, after a couple of seconds he turned his head back to her. “I’m sorry if you saw that,” he mumbled tired. He was about to loosen his grip around her when he realized how his body still shook from the chock and the vomiting. He tightened the grip again. “Thank you for being here,” he mumbled and started to lean a little towards her. “Why are you crying?” he spoke slowly. He wished to know what she had seen that had been enough for her to make her cry.