One last try - James (TW + CW)

He looked at Spencer, when he started explaining some of it, but not all of it. He felt like dirt, no more likely, he felt like trash.. the worst trash of all. He couldnt see him in the eyes, as he heard his words, but what hurt the most, was that he said that he was falling for him, and that he was also scared of it. He had felt the sweet caressing at his neck, and it had made his body shiver instantly, as if he couldnt control anything when it revolved around Spencer. He looked at him with a sorrowfull expression, before saying. " It´s okay.. i forgive everything ". He didnt know how to break it to Spencer, how he had almost gone mad, how he had even tried taking drugs, drinking from people on it, trying to feel some sort of rush, some sort of wall.. trying to drown his own sorrow.

He felt dirty, and if Spencer was trying to kiss him at some point, he would just pull away, and look away from him, because he couldnt let him.. not let him touch him or even being near him.. when he thought back at what he had done in the meantime. " I.. ". He stopped for a moment, before turning to Spencer. " Please Spencer, lay down. You need to rest ". He didnt feel good about him walking around, even if he knew that he could handle most, he just didnt like that he had almost lost him, and now.. he was walking around almost as if nothing had happened to him. " I just need.. to know the whole story some day okay.. ". He looked down at his feet, before taking his phone up. He looked at the message he had written down at it, before looking at Spencer, with a little smile, but it soon disappeared as fast as it had shown.

" Lets try to find him tomorrow.. i wont let you leave.. not after all of that ". He meant both now but also in the life that hey had. He didnt even know if Spencer would grow old or if he wouldnt. " I actually have a question.. what are you ". He tilted his head a little this time, looking at Spencer, hoping to get something that he could understand, that he could use to understand, what had just happened.

Spencer felt similar to James. He felt he had betrayed him. He was trying to not let it change anything, but eventually he would have to tell him everything, and then everything would change. He just wanted to enjoy some time with him before that. ”You don’t know everything,” he turned his head away. He wanted James to forgive him, but he wasn’t sure if he would. They had never put a label on their relationship, but it didn’t matter. If he was lucky, James wouldn’t feel like he had betrayed him, but Spencer still would. Unlike James, Spencer hadn’t tried to drown himself, he wanted to punish himself. He had gotten into fights to be reminded of his father and done everything he could think of to push James away. If Spencer pushed him away, he couldn’t leave him. But now here they were, and he could think of nothing worse than not having him around.

Spencer didn’t know if James was acting like this because of what had happened, or if there was something else. He looked at him when he practically begged him to lay down. ”I don’t need rest. I need to be with you. You can barely look at me. If you don’t want to be here, you don’t have to.” He didn’t want him to feel like he had to stay around. If he would rather be somewhere else with someone else, he was not holding him back. ”Sure.” He couldn’t help but think that smile was not real, that he just did it because he pitied him. He laid back down, looking into the ceiling.

”You don’t have to pretend you care. Just go.” He turned his back to him, seeing Samantha stand in the middle of the room. She was shaking her head in disapproval. Like she knew anything about them. He turned back to face him when he asked what he was. ”Banshee.” He couldn’t figure out James right now. He just assumed it had something to do with him, that it all was to hard. ”I’m giving you an out. If you don’t want this, if it’s too hard or too difficult, just go now. I don’t need somebody in my life who is going to leave.” He sniffled and wiped his nose. ”I won’t blame you.” He was overreacting, but that was how he was. When things were great, they were amazing, when they were bad, they were horrible. There was nothing in between with him. Until that day in the shower when he told him everything, things had been amazing. Not anymore. He couldn’t look at him, he just expected to hear his receding steps, the doors opening. He expected to hear him leave.

He scratched his neck a little, while looking away from Spencer, rubbing his neck for a moment, before turning towards him, when he said that he didnt know everything. No he didnt and that was what killed him inside, not knowing the whole story, feeling like there were so many pieces that didnt fit together and no matter what he did, he couldnt get it to fit, because it wasnt his puzzle to begin with. When he heard Spencer say that he couldnt even look at him, he just shrugged a little with his shoulders, being unable to say anything, because he was right.. he couldnt. He knew deep inside, that some part of Spencer would properly forgive him, but what is he was wrong, what if he had fucked everything up.. it was him he wanted, not anyone ELSE. He looked at him a little, eyes flickering from him and then to the table with blood from him, but also the drops connected to him still. When he said that he could just stop pretending and just go, he looked quite surprised.

It hurt more than he had thought, when he said those words. He was almost sure now, that he couldnt stand that tone, hearing it say to hell with him or that he should never show his face again, if he told him what he had done. He slowly approached him, but stopped when he turned his back to him. He reached out for him, when he said that he was a Banshee. He didnt know what it was, but he wanted to know more, for Spencer´s sake and his own, so they could feel closer, feel more secure. He turned his back to him, hearing every little word. " So my words mean that little to you.. ". He felt betrayed a little, but he also knew that he didnt mean those words, that it was to protect himself, to not feel close to him. He slowly started to walk towards the door, but stopped, only to turn back, after reaching out for something. He walked over to the side Spencer had turned to, before holding his hand out to him with a napkin. " Here ". His tone of voice was sorrowful. He looked at Spencer with wet eyes, blank from the tears he was holding back.

He didnt know how to say it or what to do. He just sat down besides the bed, looking at the ground, before bending his knees up to his chest, leaning forward, then placing a hand over his neck, rubbing.. trying to find the words.. while hiding from Spencer. " Its not you ". He muttered under his breath, while still trying to gather his strength. " thats the problem.. its me ". He looked up at Spencer for a brief moment, before saying with a low voice, and a tear traveling down. " I slept with someone.. and i took drugs.. and i drank myself to a point, where i was more filled with alcohol than blood, that was why i was to weak to help you.. that was why you ended here.. dead.. in front of me.. and now, i also killed your brother.. i fucked up everything.. i thought you had left me.. i thought you didnt want me.. i.. i ". He had never felt such strong emotions and vampires was known for feeling emotions more than humans more than any creatures. He looked down at his knees, trying to hold it together, but it felt like i was dying inside, as each word had gotten out from his mouth. He was to afraid to look up at Spencer.. how could he have betrayed him like that.

Spencer knew there was a lot of holes in his story, many things he had yet to tell him. He tried to keep his thoughts straight to not let them fuck everything up like they usually did. He just thought a lot of things, came up with reasons for people’s actions or behavior that always made it his fault. He had managed to keep his anger under control, but it wouldn’t last, especially not when he was weaker than usual. He was not handling things very well, but at least he hadn’t yelled yet, so that was something.

He swallowed when he spoke, the betrayal clear in his voice. ”Only if they’re a lie.” He didn’t know right now. He wasn’t sure if anything James had said was a lie. He hoped not, because it would fuck him up it was. ”Are they?” He looked at him, his eyes not showing any emotion at all. He was keeping it in until he knew for sure he was not changing his mind, that he wasn’t going to leave. He didn’t know what to feel when he walked towards the door. He didn’t want him to go, but he wasn’t sure he wanted him to stay either, not unless he actually wanted to. He took the napkin when he came back. ”You’re not lying, are you?” His voice, his eyes, they made him sure of it. He was blowing everything out of proportion.

Spencer didn’t believe him when he said he wasn’t the problem. He was. But for now, he wasn’t going object. Instead he just listened to him explaining what was going on with him. ”James…” he looked at him. ”I do want you. But I also left. Not intentionally at first.” He didn’t care that James wanted him to stay in bed, he stood up again, putting a hand under his chin to gently lift his head to meet his gaze. ”I don’t care about any of that. I don’t care that you made mistakes. I did too. I slept with someone too, I got into fights, I got bit by another vampire. I was trying so hard to get it all out of my system. I wanted to be better before going back to you.” He hadn’t thought about it before, how messed up he had been. He knew he was messed up, but this was something else. He needed to get help. He was going to. ”I want to put everything on the table. I don’t want to hide anything anymore.” He let go of him and sat down on the edge of the bed.

”If you don’t know it, a banshee is basically a compass for the dead. Whenever somebody near us is going to down, we will let out a deafening scream. To me, that’s not where it stops. The dead haunt me, they are all around me all the time. The only way I can block them out is by always being on something. Recently I learned they can also take over my body, which is what happened here.” Now when that was explained, he could go on to other things, more recent things. ”Today is not the first time seeing Nate since I got here.” He ran a hand through his messy hair.

”About a week ago, I woke up with no idea where I was. Nate had gotten to me, taken me to a house. He was forcing me through withdrawal. He only did it to get Kenna there. Kenna was his girlfriend. He was no nicer to her than me. She took care of me when nobody else did. Of course, she came for me. She moved on from him, she was in a new relationship, she was going to be a mother. Nate was the reason she lost the child. I blamed myself and started to act out. I don’t know if I did it because of my guilt, to push you away before you could leave me or because I’m just unstable.” He shook his head and sighed. ”I want to be with you James, but I can’t be with anyone. Not until I figure out this shit going on in my head.” He didn’t know where to even start with getting help. ”Don’t feel bad about being with someone else. We never defined our relationship. And I don’t think we should for a while.” He was trying to be responsible, even if it killed him to say it. He wanted nothing more to dive into a relationship with James, but he also wanted it to be stable, and right now it couldn’t be.

He heard the bed give after Spencer´s body, before feeling his hand under his chin, looking up at him, feeling such heartbreak inside. He felt it like a stab to his heart. Not intentionally at first.. so he didnt stay away from him at first, and then all the other things came crashing down.. that he had been with someone too, that he even got another vampire to bite him. For what!?.. to be BETTER when going back to him. Here he was, suffering!?, he had suffered for something that had felt like months, but had only been days.. and there he was, saying that he had gone to another to get blood, another to get fucked.. stayed away from him at the end on purpose!?. He could feel the anger slowly rise inside of him, how he wanted to scream, how he wanted to grab Spencer and just look into his eyes. Did he even feel anything for him!?.. was all of this just a game to him!?.. he had hated himself to the core of his being for doing what he did, and then.. and then!?. " Did.. you kiss the person.. on the lips.. yes or no ". He hadnt kissed ANYONE on the lips.. even all the things he had done, he would never.. ever kiss someone on the lips.. that was the only thing he had held back on, as he didnt want to taint that feeling.

He obviously knew how fucked up it was to get angry at Spencer, but then again.. Spencer did it, when he knew that he could have come to him... HIM on the other hand, he couldnt find Spencer, couldnt get into contact, didnt know ANYTHING.. and Spencer didnt seek his comfort, but had sought another for comfort.. another for being bitten. He clenched his fist, before biting his teeth behind his lips, that formed a straight line. He looked away from him, for some seconds.. listening to his story. It was so much to take in... he knew that he liked him, but he could feel the wall, slowly building up.. how he always said that he was messed up, like it was some excuse for being a fucking asshole!. He slowly got up, before looking at him, shaking his head a little. " It´s... alot to take in. Would it be better, if i just.. was not in your life ". His voice was still sorrowful.. and he was sad, more than sad, he had finally broke, to a point where his eyes was just blank, like he had just switched off for his humanity a little.

He looked at Spencer, before waiting for an answer. He looked down for a moment, before saying. " I will be there for you, if you need me, but i think you are right. I would only stand in your way to get better.. so i will wait ". He smiled genuine this time, but there was still sadness behind it. He looked around a little, before saying. " I´m sorry that i couldnt be there for you.. and that you had to carry all of that by yourself ". He reached for a hug, just to feel his embrace, but inside he was crumbling, but because of being an actor for so long, he put on his most perfect play.. looking fine but without being to fine.. as to mask how he just had shattered inside. " So.. i think maybe.. we should meet up tomorrow at the cafe at the corner from here, and then together try to find this guy, that Samantha wanted us to find. I think we both could use some.. time to think and just relax, especially you.. ". He smiled before slowly reaching for Spencer´s hair, to stroke it a little. " I promise i will come tomorrow, so please promise me too.. dont stay away this time ".He promised himself inside.. that he would not have sex with him, or even kiss him, that he would just be there for him.. as he had promised, even if it hurted him.. even if he deep inside, felt like he would never be enough, and that he could do nothing for Spencer.

Spencer couldn’t fully explain why he had done what he had. He tried, but it wasn’t easy. He just wanted to be who James deserved, and lately he hadn’t been. He actually thought he and James could overcome it. They had both done things to try and feel better, nobody could blame them for that, could they? He looked down when he asked the question. It mattered to James. He was afraid what would happen if he told the truth. Would it ruin everything? ”Yeah,” he said, running his hand across his mouth. He didn’t want to lie; he didn’t want to hide anymore for James. Even if the thought of losing him almost brought on a panic attack. He couldn’t lose him. He didn’t know how to go on without him.

Spencer was not trying to be an asshole. He was just doing what he always had. When things got tough, he acted out. He did a lot of shit because it was the only thing he could control, he could control what he did, not what everyone else did. This time it was different. It had all happened a lot quicker, because he had someone to go back to, someone to be better for. He was maybe doing the wrong things, but it was for the right reasons. He understood why James felt it was a lot to take in. ”No.” He looked at him. ”If you chose to leave, I won’t blame you. But it will not be better. Not for me.” It wasn’t just that he would be heartbroken. It would be way worse than that for him. He would go through something similar to a depression, he would beat himself up, blame himself for every little thing. He might even punish himself. He had done so before. The scars were mostly healed, but if you looked closely, you could see the small cuts on his arms. He tried to hide them, because he was afraid it would be a cause to make people leave him.

”No, that’s not what I meant.” He sighed and rubbed his eyes. ”I never had a reason to try and be better for. I just need to sort my shit out.” He honestly believed he would be dead right now if he hadn’t met James. Even when everything was going wrong, when he was in a fight or was thinking about being with someone else, he would think of James, think how this was all a means to an end, something he needed to do before he could go back to him. ”That was my choice. I could’ve found you.” He didn’t want to be alone, but he understood why James needed it. ”I’ll be there. I promise.” He moved the bag for his IV off the hanger and stood up. ”I’ll be right back.” He went to the bathroom and sat down on the closed toilet. He was just staring at the door, breaking down. He had been so stupid. He looked at the needle on the back of his head. Without hesitation, he pulled it out, drops of blood falling to the floor. He looked at the needle a moment. He was so overwhelmed by all these feelings, but most of all feeling like he had disappointed James. He placed the needle on the lower part of his arm. For a moment he didn’t do anything. He had to be better. But could he be? He wasn’t sure. Without thinking more about it, he pressed the needle into his arm, pulling it down a little. His arm hang limp by his side, the blood running down his arm before finally dropping off his fingers to gather in a pool on the floor below him

The golden autumn eyes followed Spencer very closely when he said that he would be right back. He could feel something was wrong, and why wouldnt it. He felt like he acted stupid, way out of line in front of Spencer. How could it change so quickly, who could he go from happy that he was alive, and devastated, promising everything to him.. and now.. saying that he wanted time to think, that they both needed it?. Was it for his own fault or was it for Spencer´s fault.. could they ever be truely together, just the two of them, where they even build for that?.. or could they just love each other, while seeing other people on the side?, without feeling someone elses lips, or would there some day come someone, that would snatch Spencer away from under him. He felt the anger, the devastating guilt, the rage that filled him inside. He looked around in the room, before taking the first thing he could, before throwing it through the room, and then taking the curtains between the beds, ripping it down with the stick that had hold it in place, before kicking to one of the beds, that made all the wires go lose, even the call button for the nurse office.

He looked at the mess he had already made, before squatting down, his face covered in his hands, feeling them tremble under him. He didnt know what to feel.. was nothing sacred to Spencer, was he just his play thing.. one he would push away again and again.. sleeping and kissing with other dudes, and who. He could feel his blood start to almost boil under his skin, how he wanted to rip those people apart. He knew that he had to control himself.. his teeth grew slowly and his eyes became a dark red, a red not seen before. He had to get under control, he couldnt lose it, not right now.. scent of blood lingered in the air. He looked at the door, before walking over to it with haste. He stopped in front of the door, looking at it. " Spencer?.. ". He got instantly worried, when the smell of the blood hit that much harder, before taking a hold of the door handle. " Spencer! ". If the door was unlocked, he would just open it as fast as he could, before looking at him with a worried expression. If it wasnt unlocked, he would push it, as to try breaking it, if he didnt open it for him.

He heard the noises from outside. That was his fault. It was his fault James was so angry. Spencer looked at the door James said his name. He didn’t say anything. The door was opened. He hadn’t locked it. ”I…. I didn’t mean to.” He looked at his bleeding arm.

A nurse came into the room after the button had been disconnected. ”Is everything okay…?” She saw the room and how it had been trashed. She walked over to the bathroom. Her eyes widened slightly when she saw Spencer’s bleeding arm. ”I’m calling a doctor.” She left to do so. ”I don’t… I don’t want them to take me.” He was looking at James with a pleading look.
It didn’t take long before the doctor from before returned. He was not much older than 30, brown-ish red hair and green eyes. His chin was filled with stubbles in the same color as his hair. He followed the nurse to the bathroom. ”Come, let me have a look on you.” He reached a hand down to Spencer, who just pushed it away. ”I’m okay.” He stood up, wobbling slightly from the blood loss. He pushed past all of them and walked into the main room. ”Let me help you.” The doctor walked closer to Spencer, grabbing his arm that wasn’t hurt. ”Let go of me!” He was trying to get out of the grip. He couldn’t and ended up punching the doctor. He looked at his hand a moment, he couldn’t understand why he had just done that. All this anger was so out of control. The doctor wiped his bleeding lip. He gave the nurse a nod who went away from a moment. She returned with a syringe. The doctor used it on Spencer, who instantly seemed to calm down. The nurse got him back in bed and took care of the cut and set him up to the different machines and a new drop. The doctor walked over to James. ”I have just injected him with a sedative. What is your relationship to the patient?” He might not be a psychiatrist, but he knew that boy needed the help from one.

Spencer barely moved, his mouth was getting dry and he couldn’t feel his fingers. He looked around, saw the doctor speaking with James. He didn’t want them to take him anywhere. He didn’t want to be locked away some place while they probed and poked him.

The sight he saw when he opened the door, almost frightened him, as he hadnt experienced people with mental problems before, and Spencer fitted perfectly into what he hadnt witnessed or seen before. He looked at all the blood, before looking at Spencer´s face, how he said that he didnt mean to. He believed him, as he himself knew how it was to live with something inside, that he himself couldnt control sometimes. He nodded slightly, before saying with an almost whispering voice, getting choked in his own words. " I.. hm.. i know ". He could not believe what he was looking at, and how fast it has escalated. He looked behind him at the now trashed room, before placing a hand on his own forhead, rubbing it a little with closed eyes, as if he tried to forget what had just happened. He was about to take a step forward, when he heard someone enter the room, and saw the nurse. * Fuck.. * He looked briefly over at the bed that he had kicked, before seeing the red string, now not attached. He shok his head a little, when she asked if everything was okay. When she left to find the doctor, he found some paper, before handing them over to Spencer, crouching at his side, looking at him, worried. When he sad that he didnt want them to take him, he looked at him with a confused expression, before realising what he meant. The mental hospital, or more like unit. He didnt know what to do in this situation, he wanted so badly to help him, but would the best be, to let them take him, if it came to that, or would it be to take him home with him.

" I.. ". He couldnt get the words out, before the doctor came back with the nurse. James looked at them shortly, before making space for them. He could have given some of his blood to Spencer, but he was already so low, and Spencer didnt need that kind of addiction right now, not in all of the other shit, that had already happened today. When he stood up, he held his hand out, to try and catch him in a supporting grib, but he was to fast for him. Before he knew it, Spencer had a full on breakdown resulting in him punching the doctor. James just looked at him with wide eyes, and a surprised expression, as he had not seen that coming. Slowly he just stood back a little, watching them try and get him under control. He looked away for a moment, feeling a knot in his stomach, how he wanted to help him, but he didnt know if he would do the right thing. He looked down, when the nurse came inside again, this time with a syringe. He took a step forward, seeing and feeling himself reach for the nurses hand, as he didnt want ANY syringes near Spencer, but he stopped himself, when she gave it to the doctor, before he used it on Spencer.

He looked at the whole thing, feeling like he was just on standby in his own body, not able to either help or not help. He suddenly snapped out of his own little word, when the doctor walked over to him and then told him what they had done and what their relationship was. He knew that he had a very recognizable face, and the next thing he said, could form so much.. it could also end up with him being removed from the room. He couldnt say boyfriend or friend. He looked at him for a moment, before looking at Spencer. " I´m his fiance ". He couldnt say brother, because if the doctor knew of him, he would instantly know, that it was a lie, but fiance.. that could maybe gain some time.. with Spencer, or maybe let him stay. " I´m used to seeing some of this, but.. he has had a very.. hard week, and some things just.. came up ". He looked down for a moment, before looking at the doctor. " I cant leave.. please let me stay ". He looked worriedly at Spencer, with sadness in his eyes to. He wanted to just go over there, apologize for his tone of voice, and how he had seemed to just put everything on his shoulders.. blaimed him.. that wasnt fair.

Spencer knew it was bad. It was worse than it had been for a long time. He wasn’t sure why. Maybe it was because of what had happened with Nate, or maybe it was because he finally had something to lose. He was not alone anymore, at least he could choose not to. If he could even allow himself the happiness James could bring him. It had changed very fast. From one moment to the next, everything just went wrong. He wished he could just understand everything that happened, but he didn’t. He didn’t understand any of it. It was like his body and mind was reacting without him. James’ reaction was understandable. He was frustrated, because he didn’t understand either.

Spencer took the paper and pushed it against the wound. He was scared what was going to happen if he was emitted. He didn’t know what was going to happen to him if he was forcefully emitted.
He didn’t know what was going on or what to do. Everything just seemed to be spinning out of control. And then suddenly he felt calmer, being laid down in the bed and taken care of again. He didn’t look away from James. He hated that he had to see him like this.

He rose an eyebrow when James said he was his fiancé. It was clearly just to make sure he could stay here. It was lucky he was an actor, otherwise he might not have pulled the lie off. Especially not the part about it having been a bad week or that it was normal. It was normal, but not to James.
”You can stay.” The doctor guided James away a little so they could talk in private. ”It is in my opinion he needs professional help. I suggest you reach out to his family and friends to give him a supportive network. It is vital for patients like him to know they are not alone.” He looked towards the nurse. ”I will make sure you two have some privacy, but I will also have a guard outside the door in case something else happens and a nurse will check in regularly.” He went over to the nurse. ”Come along Sierra.” The two walked towards the door. ”I do know of a few physiatrists who will be able to talk with him soon. Let me know if you want some names and numbers.”

Spencer laid quietly in the bed. Not because he was sedated, not just. Also because he felt horrible about what had happened. This was exactly why he had kept away from James. He didn’t want to be a cause for James to feel like this, to feel bad and hurt. He just wanted them to be happy together.

So many thoughts ran through his head, as he stood there, seeing Spencer out of the corners of his eyes, and also feeling the pressure, while having to deal with his own internal fight he had going. He looked serious when the doctor looked at him. He was so thankful that he didnt have to think about some breathing, only the fake ones, because he could have totally failed it then, when he had lied about being his fiance, but what choice did he have?. He didnt want to leave Spencer, but he also didnt know, if he just made it even worse for being there. He looked slightly over to Spencer with an almost apologetic look, as he had said the words, before looking back at the doctor, when he said that he could stay. * YES!..* He didnt smile, but just nodded slightly, before looking down a little. He looked over to Spencer once more, when he started talking about supportive network, and how vital it was for a patient like Spencer. " Yes, i.. i will try ". He cleared his throat, before taking a few steps towards Spencer, feeling a heavy burden laying on his shoulders. He didnt know if he even was allowed to contact them, and he didnt know where to even start.. Spencer had never talked about anyone to him, but.. they had also just mostly fucked whenever they had seen each other.. this time, it was so different.. this time, they actually talked together.

He sat down besides him, before looking at him with a worried expression once more, trying to figure out what to do. When the doctor talked towards the door, he looked for a moment at them, before hearing the thing about physiatrists, and if he wanted any names and numbers. " Give me the number and name of your best.. ". He slowly rose to his feet, before finding his phone, so he could get it down in his phone, or else, he would give his number, so they could contact him about them. He then turned to Spencer and walked over to him, before sitting down at his side, almost falling into a forward leaned position, with his knees out, legs spread, elbows on his knees almost, and his face burried in his hands. He let out a deep sigh, before looking at Spencer. He felt like puking, but he also felt hungry, to the point his stomach had turned inside of him, it almost felt like.

" Tell me.. please tell me what to do.. ". He meant in if he should contact anybody, or what he should do. He didnt even know if he was ready to meet anyone at the moment right now, especially not someone that was close to Spencer, but he also knew, that maybe Spencer needed it also. " I need to.. to fetch some things, could you stay here.. like STAY.. and not go ANYWHERE... ". He looked at him with a serious expression, before handing him his phone. " I dont know if.. if you have a phone or anything, so here.. use mine, it dosent have any codes on it.. ". He looked at Spencer for a moment, before slowly rising.. letting his hand travel over Spencer´s cheek. " Do you need something.. clothing?, food maybe.. something special to drink perhaps? ".

Spencer never wanted James to deal with this. He shouldn’t have to. He smiled slightly when he looked at him apologetic. He didn’t think he had anything to be sorry about. He could see something was on his mind when he came closer. He wanted to ask what was on his mind, but maybe it was better if he stayed quiet for a while. Every time he said anything today, it just made things worse. He was being harsh to himself, but he just couldn’t see what else was the cause of all this. It was his brother, his messed-up head, his actions. It was not that complicated.

The doctor wrote down the number and name into the phone and handed it back to James. Spencer looked at him, watching how he looked so worn out. ”I don’t know James. Just be here, I guess.” He nodded when James said he needed to get some things. ”I won’t move.” He took the phone, as his own was still back at the hotel. ”I don’t need anything. Just promise me you’ll take care of yourself.” He leaned his head against his hand. ”I’m sorry,” he said, a few tears falling into James’ hand.

When James had gone, he looked at the phone a moment, unsure if he should call her or not. She had her own things to deal with. He didn’t want to bother her. He also didn’t want to bother James, and Kenna did know more about it all, about him. He dialed up the number, heard it ring a few times before she picked up. ”Hey,” he said a little weakly. ”Spence, are you okay?” He usually didn’t call people unless something was wrong. ”I’m at the hospital. Do you think you could stop by?” He could hear she was moving outside the second he said hospital. ”Of course. I’ll be right there.” She was not as fast as James, so it was likely he would return before she got there. If he came back. He was worried he wouldn’t. Most people would have left a long time ago. It would be a surprise if James didn’t do the same. Spencer sat up and used the phone to watch some videos while he waited.

TheOutfit - and look/facial hair.

TheRoses



He felt the tears on his hand and he could feel his whole body just give after, how he tensed up, and wanted to hold him, wanted to embrace that fucking mess in front of him. He smiled genuine and softly to him, before stroking a tear away from Spencer´s cheek. " I promise, i will be right back ". He felt he had gained some of his control back, but he still felt his heart, how heavy it felt inside of his chest, and how broken he was, from going from devastating sadness, to complete joy and then back again. As he walked out the door, he couldnt help but to look behind him, just to catch a glimt of Spencer, hopefully not the last kind of glimt in a while like last time. He didnt know what to do at this point, other than to stand, looking like a complete fucking mess in his bloodies clothing. He started to walk over to the staircase, before walking down to the lower floor, saying to a nurse, that he wanted to know if Spencer Lane got transfered in the meantime. She noted James name, so he could get access, when he came back, before he walked out of the hospital.

He didnt order a cap, as he just walked almost all the way hope, before taking a quick shower and then finding some clean clothes. He also found a nice big long sleeves shirt for Spencer, and a soft tshirt, and a soft fluffy robe for him, and then some clean towels in dark grey, matching the bath robe. He looked at it all, before packing it. He looked around for a moment, before sitting down on the bed, rubbing his face for a time, just thinking everything through. How could it all have gone to shit so fucking fast?. He felt like his world had fallen apart, but he didnt blame Spencer, not for all of it atleast. He looked at his wristwatch, he had taken on, after coming home. It was golden and had a beautiful dark blue color in the middle, and some simple silver looking numbers inside, but it wasnt silver. The watch itself was cold and whitegold, nothing more or less for him. He looked at the time again, before standing up, taking the brown bag over his shoulder, so the strap was tight, before walking to the door, in his brown long sleeved shirt and his white pants and his har, decently looking this time, and the beard trimmed.

He walked out the door, before taking the lamborghini to the hospital, holding a place where he was allowed to park as long as he wanted. He looked up at the hospital for a moment, before taking the bag out and then closing the door after him, locking the car. He walked with heavy steps towards the hospital, feeling more and more like he couldnt move. He stopped for a moment, before looking at the bag, was this even enough?. He stopped before walking over to a small store. He bought some milk chocolate for him, as to give his body something sweet, but also to help if he felt naucea from losing all the blood, and then be bought a coke for him. He himself, had taken the liberty, to take a flask with small drops of blood in it, to keep himself at bay.. someting that looked like a soft non bubly strawberry drink and smelled like it, but wasnt. He had fed from home a little, before coming.

He stopped at the desk, before looking at the receptionist, asking " Spencer Lane. I´m his fiance, James King ". He knew that people overheard it, and some even took a picture of him. He frowned for a moment, but he felt like he didnt have time for this. The woman behind the counter looked a little stunned, before finding the room number, giving it to James. He nodded, before starting to walk, until he got stopped by the nurse that needed to see the things he had brought with him. When she was done, she sent him on his way. He still walked with a heavy heart, before stopping and then turning around, walking down to the nurse, before saying " Could you hold this please ". She looked at him, before nodding. " I will be right back ". He hurried out the door, almost running, before coming back a little time after, being away from almost 3 hours, with a little wet hair and clothing. He held a beautiful flower bouquet in his hand, or more like a black box, hiding beautiful out of this word genetically special made flowers in vivid blue colors. He walked over and took the bag once more, before walking to Spencer´s room, opening the door, not looking at him at the first moment, before closing the door " I´m so sorry it took so long, i.. had to get something ". He turned around, and if Kenna was there, he would just look at her like a big question mark, but if not, he would walk over to Spencer with the flowers.. either way, he did that. " I bought you flowers, and clean clothing and towels.. ".
He placed the the black box, from The Bloom Room on the table at Spencer´s side, before opening the box, revealing beautiful blue flowers. It was the color that reminded him most of Spencer.. each and everytime he saw it, he thought of Spencer, and also his eyes, because of the blue in them, even if they werent as blue.

Kennas outfit

Kenna had been by the house of her pack. It was very kind of her new alpha to let him live there, as long she took care of the pack members. It was part of her duty as beta after all. But when Spencer called and said he was in the hospital, nothing else mattered. She was going to go seem him right away. He was important to her. He was not just some boy she gotten to know. She had practically adopted him as her little brother. She didn’t have a car, so she had to walk there which took some time. She just arrived at the hospital after James.
She stood behind him to get to the desk. Her jaw dropped when he said he was Spencer’s fiancé. Not only that he was his fiancé, also that he was James King. It wasn’t because Spencer continually had spoken about his movies. And now he was saying that James was engaged to him. Kenna didn’t even know Spencer was gay. What was going on?

Spencer looked at James when he came into the room. ”It’s okay. I just watched videos on your phone. Your youtube might come up with some strange suggestions,” he said with a smile, handing him back the phone. He looked at the flowers, and his smile just grew. ”That’s so cute. Thank you.” He looked at the flowers a moment, before James put them on the table next to the bed. ”I called someone. She should be here soon. I think you’ll like her.” He looked at him with a smile, before looking towards the door when Kenna appeared. ”Heeeey,” he said. She walked to him with determined steps.

”You’re engaged!? How could you not have told me? And to James King. That is not okay Spence!” She walked closer to him. ”Are you doing okay? What happened?” Spencer looked at her with a small smile. ”It’s a long story. I’ll tell you later.” She narrowed her eyes, before looking over at James. She put her hand forward. ”I’m Kenna. Thank you for taking care of him.” Spencer looked at Kenna. ”I need you to do something for me.” He knew James would help him, but he would prefer to have Kenna involved in this. She knew how to handle it, she knew what to expect from him. ”I need someone to talk to. You know, a professional. I don’t know how to get started on that. I want both of you to help me, if you can.” It was a big deal for him to ask for help, which became clear by Kenna’s slightly confused reaction.

”Of course I’ll help you. We both will.” She looked at James, not expecting him to disagree. If he did, she would personally get him out there. She didn’t care if he was a vampire, she would kick his ass all the way down the hallway. ”Do you want me to come with me when you get a time?” Spencer looked away, shaking his head. ”No, I think I need to do this alone. I just need the help getting there, y’know?” He looked at Kenna again. ”Would you mind giving us a moment?” She looked at them with raised eyebrows, before leaving the room for a moment.

”I know staying away from you was wrong, but this is why I did. I didn’t want you to see me like this. I hoped I could avoid it.” He took in a deep breath and looked directly at him. ”I was horrible to you and that wasn’t fair. I never want you to feel anything bad with me ever again. But I can’t promise you won’t.” He looked down on the blanket. ”I want to be good enough for you and I haven’t been.”

He looked at the door for a brief moment, before opening it, seeing Spencer sitting by the bed. He couldnt hold a smile back, even if he tried. Spencer looked so darn cute, sitting there in the bed, watching something on his phone. Hes mouth twitched a little, as if he couldnt smile more than he already did, when Spencer turned to him, looking at him and then joking with the youtube comment. " It´s alright. As long as you enjoyed yourself ". He looked down a little, feeling his cheeks get flustered, as a redish color started to show. He walked over to him with the bag and the flowers, placing them at his side, smiling when he said that it was cute. " You are cute ". He looked away from him when saying this, rubbing his neck while doing so. It had felt like forever, being away from him, even when he had only been home for an hour or three. He looked at him still smiling, before nodding to Spencer, about that he had called someone. He suddenly heard the door go up and looked to the side, before looking at Kenna. " Hm? ".

When she suddenly approached with hasty steps, he stepped a little to the side, to make more room for her, looking rather shocked, when she suddenly bursted out that he was engaged, and that it was not okay that it was with him. He didnt know if he should be insulted or just stand there like he did, confused and uncertain how she even knew of it?. * Has the tabloids already gotten some gossip?... *. This could be bad for Spencer, if he didnt want to come out into the spotlight, and even then.. this could be bad for him. When Kenna turned to him, he looked at her for a moment, before suddenly getting back to reality and away from his own thoughts, before reaching for her hand, still looking quite puzzled. " James, and no need to thank me ". He looked back and forth, Kenna then Spencer then Kenna and then him again, when they started talking about recovery. " I have a number from the doctor on one, but i can get more options if needed ". He looked at Spencer when saying this, as he didnt want to take his eyes of him. He looked at him so softly this time, as if he was the only thing on his mind right now, which he were.

James looked at Kenna for a moment, before looking at Spencer, when he said that he just needed getting help getting there. " I could help.. ". He wanted to be part of it, wanted to help him.. but if he would rather have help from Kenna, he could also understand that. When Spencer asked for a moment alone with him, he looked worried for a second, before looking at Kenna, and then back at Spencer, walking over to the other side, before sitting down at the chair at his side, moving it, so he sat with his front turned to Spencer. He listened carefully to him, taking every word to him, before he hid his face in his hands for a moment, folding them together in front of himself. He looked at Spencer, when he sat with a straight back again, not leaning forward, before he moved closer, so he could take his hand. " I never wanted you to be good enough. I know its much pressure im putting on you, with my name and who i am, but.. i just want you Spencer, the messy the happy, the cute, the sensual, the dominating, the submissive, everything of you ". He looked at him with his golden eyes, before kissing his hand. " I just wished, that you had come to me for help, me for release.. that you didnt shut me out. What you are properly so afraid of me doing to you, you end up doing to me instead ". He looked down a little, shortly moving his hand over his own face, before looking at Spencer. " I wont leave your side, but please dont push me away, let me in.. even if just a little, be vulnerable.. i can handle it. I´m still here ". He squeezed his hand, before standing up, placing a kiss on his forhead, before going over to the bag, finding the chocolate and the coke. " Here, i thought you could use some sweetness, after all the.. bloodloss ". He looked at it a little, before placing the things on the table. " I´m gonna go ask the nurse, if i could stay tonight.. maybe even get a bed rolled in ". He smiled shortly, before walking over to the door.

He opened it, before looking at Kenna with a little apologizing smile, before he turned and walked down to where the nurses had a room to hold their breaks between the runs. He didnt know if Spencer wanted him to stay all night, but he knew that he wanted it. He walked over to talk with one of the nurses, that said it was possible to get another bed set up inside of there, but it would be hard in such a little room. James talked with her about moving him to a bigger room, with a tv and space enough for a bed extra. She agreed after some time, before giving him the room number, saying that it would be ready in an hour for them both and they should just take their belongings with them. He came back shortly after, before saying. " So i got us a room together. Its a little more up, but its bigger and its ready in an hour, with two beds, so i can stay with you all night ". He smiled a little, before walking over to Spencer again.

Spencer smiled at him when he just cared about him enjoying himself. He had been, for the last few hours nothing bad had happened. He just sat there like he had promised. He had also gotten a text back from Kenna, saying she would have to take care of some things before she could get there. He felt his cheek grow warmer when he called him cute. Kenna didn’t really care who Spencer was with, she just wanted to know when stuff like that happened to him. It was important to her, that he was happy, that he had somebody to count on. If that was James, she had no problem with it. He deserved to be loved.
She looked at James when he introduced himself. ”There is a lot of things you don’t need to do. Thanking you for helping my best friend isn’t one of them.” He smiled at him, before looking back at Spencer. Kenna nodded at James when he said he had the number for one, but was willing to get more if need be. ”That would be great. I know there is one at the academy too. I could try and talk with him.” She moved closer to Spencer, and gently ran a hand over his arm. ”I’ll find out some way to pay for it, okay? I have some money saved away. It should be enough for a few sessions.”
Spencer wanted to clear everything with him. He didn’t want them to leave things on a bad note. He didn’t know what to think when he hid his face. Then he sat up straight and took his hands. His words made him look away. Nobody had ever told him that, nobody had expressed that they wanted him. Not like this. Kenna did every time she helped him, but it was rarely with words. ”Nobody has ever told me that,” he looked back up at him, almost tearing up.

He felt the cold lips on his hand, wishing for more. But now was not the time. Now was time to talk it out. He just didn’t know how to explain it properly. He barely understood it himself. And he wasn’t exactly known for being great at expressing his feelings. ”I wish I could promise you I won’t, but I can’t.” He took in a deep breath. ”I can try to explain,” he said. ”You know how it feels when somebody leaves you. How heartbroken you can feel. I’m scared of that every day. I’m afraid that I’ll fuck everything up. And it not just that I’ll be heartbroken. I will not be able to do anything. I’ll be depressed, I guess. It will break me. And I can’t go through that. So I push people away like I did with you, or I’ll do anything I can to make you stay.” He sighed in bliss when he kissed his forehead. He looked at the things he had brought with a smile. ”And you’re calling me cute.” He couldn’t stop smiling when James said he wanted to stay the night.

Kenna looked at James when he walked out the room. She walked back in the room. ”I wish you told me you were engaged,” she said to him. He grabbed the coke and took a sip. ”He just said it to make sure he could stay here. We met some time ago and have been hanging out. Until Nate came.” He knew he had to check up on him at some point. He also knew he might not be dead - otherwise he should’ve screamed, right? Unless he was too drugged up to do so. ”You really like him, don’t you?” She could see it in his face. How he was lighting up when he was around. ”I didn’t know you liked men.” Spencer took another sip. ”Few people do. I haven’t been ready to say it to everyone yet.” He looked up when James returned. A smile appeared on his lips when he was told James could stay. ”That’s perfect, thank you.” He shortly looked at Kenna, before watching James again. ”I’m really happy you’re both here.”

The walk back to the room felt long and almost cold, as if something had a grasp around his heart. Spencer´s word had cut into him like a knife, with such ease had he fallen for him, wanting more and more, and now.. he was in so deep, he felt like he couldnt get out, even if he tried. He opened the door slow, before looking at them both, but ending up smiling, when Spencer looked his way. He told about the room, before looking at both Kenna and Spencer. " I´m paying for his help, all of it. So no need to take out of your savings, and no. I wont accept a no, even if you tried ".

He smiled a little, but not in a douchbag way, but more in a lovingly way, as it didnt bother him. He looked at Spencer, before saying " So please, when you find someone you would like to go to, please come to me, i will pay. I want to be of some help atleast, and money is there plenty off to take from ". He looked down a little, feeling like it was the only thing he was good for at the moment, money and company. He would love to be as close to someone as Spencer was with this person called Kenna, he could clearly see it, how they looked and talked, as if they were in family with each other.

" So Kenna, its good to finally meet someone close to Spencer ". He smiled a little, before finding a spot to sit down, but still close enough to Spencer, so he could reach for his hand, if he wanted to even take it, as he layed it at the bed side. He wanted to know more about the two of them. " How long have you know each other? ". He tilted his head a little, hoping that he wasnt snooping to much. If Spencer had taken his hand, he would just gently squeeze it, before looking at him for a little moment.


//Sorry det korte svar ^^" //

Spencer wanted James to be happy. He had just assumed he couldn’t be that with him. Which was why he had acted angry towards him earlier. Than and the mood swings he couldn’t control, or even knew existed. He hadn’t thought it was of importance, at least. He looked at James when he offered to pay, he then looked over at Kenna, knowing she would object. He sent her a certain look; most people wouldn’t be able to understand. He didn’t want her to say anything, so she didn’t. ”That’s fucking nice of you,” he said with a smile.

He nodded when James said he should come to him. ”I think you are helping by just being here, right Spence?” He nodded again. ”I’m fucking stoked I don’t have to do this alone anymore.” He didn’t blame anyone for not being there. He was horrible at telling people when something was wrong. Spencer looked at James when he spoke. He didn’t hesitate to take his hand when it was placed on the edge of the bed.

Kenna watched them with a smile. He hoped Spencer had found someone to make him happy. ”It’s been five years by now. Spencer was just 14 when we met. He was so cute,” she put her hand through his hair to annoy him. He pushed her hand away but ended up chuckling. ”We met through his brother. The only good thing I got out of that relationship.” She put her hand on his shoulder and gave it a little squeeze. She looked at them, and thought they might need some privacy. ”How about I go get us something to drink or how about some food?” Spencer mouthed ‘thank you’ to her. ”And sandwich or something. Do you want anything?” He asked James.

//Det er helt fint, jeg svarer også ret kort for tiden <3

He raised a brow for a moment, when Spencer looked over at Kenna, before he said it was nice of him to do that. He thought for a second, before realising, that he hadnt actually invited Spencer out to eat, or actually invited him anywhere special. He felt a little guilty for some time, thinking about not having at least invited him out to dinner, but then again, he couldnt do it right at the moment, especially when he wanted to better himself, then he would maybe just stand in his way. He looked down for a moment, before asking about Kenna and Spencer.

He could feel the sweet warmth in his hand, when Spencer took it. It felt so soft and rough at the same time. It was calming for him, feeling his skin again, feeling him again. He smiled for a little while, before nodding, when hearing about them. Five years.. that was a long time. It suddenly hit him, that the person that lost the child was this woman. He didnt know if he should say anything but he didnt. Thinking about bringing it up, would properly only make the situation even worse, but something stuck with him. " But Nate should be dead, shouldnt he? ". He looked at him with some concern written all over his face, trying to think back at what happened, but everything had been a fucking mess.

When Kenna asked if she should get them anything, he just looked at them, before hearing Spencer´s words. He answered with a hand in front of him for a second, and a soft tone to his voice. " No, i´m good. But thanks ". He looked at Spencer after before placing his free hand into his own pocket, slouching down into the chair, looking at Spencer and then the window not long from him. He slowly closed his eyes a little, while moving his head, so he would look upwards, before opening them to see directly up into the celing. He knew deep inside, that the other vampires in France, that had been part of the inner cirkel.. that they would never accept that he got together with Spencer, because then who should secure the bloodline of the Vólkarian´s. He let out a little sigh, before looking at Spencer, waiting for him to start a conversation, not knowing exactly to say.

He couldnt take the thought of Spencer with someone else but him, but he was afraid of saying that to him, what he had said before, about them.. holding again. He closed his eyes a little, like he was almost feeling physical pain from the thought of it alone. He then opened his eyes before looking at Spencer, asking. " So.. what do we do now, what are we.. what.. what should i do, because the thought of you being with someone else or even kissing, holding.. touching.. its driving me insane ". He looked down a little, before gently letting go of Spencer´s hand.

Spencer had never thought about that he and James had never been on a proper date. It wasn’t because he didn’t want to, but he had never been much of a dater - not because he didn’t like it, it just hadn’t been in his cards for him. The people he had been with were not really wanted to date. He should ask him out at some point though.

Spencer didn’t know if James had figures out who Kenna was to him. He probably should have told him to avoid any situations where he might say something that could hurt Kenna. But then Kenna mentioned the relationship with Nate, which probably made it clearer. Kenna looked confused when he mentioned Nate being dead. ”What do you mean?” Spencer looked around the room, waiting to see Nate amongst the ghosts. He took in a deep breath to focus himself and his ability. For a moment, he saw the shadow of Nate, but then he just disappeared again. ”He isn’t dead. Not yet at least. He is fighting for his life, I think.”

Kenna nodded with a smile and left the room to get the stuff. Spencer watched James carefully when Kenna had gone. Something was bothering him. ”What’s on your mind?” He could see he was thinking about something. He naturally thought it was something about what had gone down the last couple of days. Or maybe it was something else entirely. It was hard to know. He didn’t really know all that much about him.

Spencer wasn’t sure what to tell James. What were they? He didn’t know. He also didn’t know if he could promise to never do anything with somebody else. It wasn’t because he wanted to be with many people, but he couldn’t stop himself most times. If somebody made a move, he would have a hard time not going for it. But he would try. ”So let’s stop seeing other people.” He felt colder when he let go of his hand, but he didn’t do anything about it. ”And let’s go on a date.” Spencer waited for his answer, a little nervous what he was going to say to his suggestions. He wanted to be with James. He hadn’t doubted that for a long time. ”And I promise to only be with other people on Saturdays,” he added with a smirk. He was trying to make it lighter for them.

It was constantly in his mind, while looking at Spencer, the very thought of that fucking bastard being alive. He wanted to kill Nate, he wanted to be the one taking his life, looking into the eyes, saying never to even touch Spencer again, but then again, it wasnt his fight, he already knew that, so he just nodded, when Spencer said that Nate was fighting for his life. He looked at Kenna leaving the room, before saying the things he had on his mind to Spencer, hoping to hear some words, but what he said, completely took him by surprise. He had thought that Spencer would be against it, that he would maybe say, that they needed to slow down, maybe not do something for now, so the words hit him so hard, that he just looked at Spencer for some minutes not knowing what to do.

He blaimed himself for being so quickly out, because everything had happened so fast, so why now?. " I´m not.. ". He thought back for a second, before he hid his face in his hands for a second. " Maybe.. ". He didnt know if it was the right choice at the moment.. could neither of them hold it?, well i knew inside, that he could, as long as he knew, that the other part, wanted the same, but also because of his feelings, but then again.. he didnt want to let Spencer go through a hard time. " I first need to know, why you.. slept with someone.. i need to know the reason.. ". He could feel it linger inside, how he wanted to know.. NO, how he NEEDED to know the reason. His was that he simply felt like Spencer didnt want him, and the fact that they werent putting words on what they were or what they had, but he didnt know yet why Spencer had done what he had.

He looked at him a little, before standing up a little, gently taking his hand in his, before looking at him, sitting at the side of the bed. " Dont even joke about that. If you are going to be mine, i want you to be ONLY mine, forever. Could you do that?.. does Banshee´s even live forever? ". He looked worried for a moment, trying to sort out his own feelings, seeing Spencer growing old, could he even handle that?, and at some point, Spencer would properly end up looking older than him, if it were like that. He looked down a little, before looking at him. " But one thing i know, is that i want to ask you on a date... many actually. What about that trip to the Maldives?.. when you have gotten some to some sessions with a professionel? ". He smiled a little, before looking at Spencer, trying not to feel sorry for himself or his own hurt feelings. " That could be fun, couldnt it? ". He stroke Spencer´s hand for a short time, before looking at his lips for a brief moment, before looking away. It was hard not touching him in that way, kissing him.. feeling him under one self. He missed that feeling, but the very thought of him kissing someone else. He looked down for a moment, sighing.

Spencer felt it was different when he looked at him now. Sometimes it was like it had been, with care and lust. But then sometimes there was some anger. He wasn’t sure if the anger was directed towards him. It had to be, right? Was it because he had been with someone else? He decided to just give it a shot and ask him to be more serious. He held his breath for a while, but couldn’t do it for all the time he remained quiet.

Spencer looked away when he spoke. Did that mean he didn’t want to? Then he gave a final answer. Maybe. Okay, he could work with maybe. He looked at him again when he demanded a reason for being with someone else. ”I don’t know…” He said at first, looking away again. ”I think maybe…” He took in a deep breath. ”If I was the reason we didn’t work out, it wouldn’t feel as bad for me.” He didn’t know if he could explain it better. He didn’t understand his own emotions well enough to do that. But he was trying. He wanted James to understand, and maybe he would figure out some things on the way.

He looked at their hands, before looking up to meet his eyes. ”I know. I’m sorry.” He wanted to be James’. There was no doubt about it. He didn’t know if it was going to be forever. ”I don’t know actually. I’ve never met another banshee.” He could imagine what it was going to be like if he didn’t. How he would wither away and die, but James would remain young forever. The thought made him shiver. Spencer smiled at the thought of going on a date with him, or travel with him. He just smiled by imagining them going down the street together. He didn’t need something fancy or expensive. He just needed James by his side. ”I would love that.” He rose their hands and kissed his knuckles. Spencer had caught how he had looked at his lips, like he was going to kiss him, but then something stopped him. ”Are you sure you want this? I don’t want you to do it because you feel like you have to.” This was not him trying to push James away, it was just him making sure they both got what they needed and wanted.

His stomach dropped when Spencer said he didnt know why he had done it. He looked at him for a moment, when he started to find some reason within himself, as to why he had done it. He could see that he was trying and he knew he put much on his shoulders, and now.. after knowing he was only nineteen years old, he could understand the thoughts in it, but it didnt make him feel better for that matter. He knew he had to work on his own emotions and how he looked at everything. It wasnt fair that he was giving Spencer such a hard time, but he just felt so hurt and betrayed, like he had taken a knife to his hard and just stapped him. He nodded slightly, in a way so he knew that he was listening, even if his eyes told that he thought about so much right now.

When he felt the kiss on his knuckles.. he wanted so badly to kiss him, but he would also give him time, and not rush into it.. he didnt want to scare him away again. " Yes, but.. i was just thinking, if we werent a 'thing', would that be easier for you, would you feel like you had me where you couldnt lose me then? ". He had thought hard about it for a little while, all the words and how Spencer had told him his reason before. If he didnt have him, then he couldnt lose him. He didnt like the thought, but it would hurt him even more, not to be in his life. He looked at him with a little smile, before saying. " Maybe we should pack, so we could go up to the new room ". He slowly started to make everything ready, before looking at Spencer. " Now we just need Kenna to come back, or maybe.. lets just leave a note for her ". He looked around for a moment, before finding a pen and some paper, writing the room number on it, and the name Spencer in cursiv and also his own name.

He took the bag over his shoulders, before walking over to Spencer, looking at him for a little while. He didnt have the iv in him, so it just made everything so much easier. " I´m carrying you ". He looked at him with a look, that made it very clear, that he wouldnt budge on this one, even if he tried. He would start to try and pick him up, except if he REALLY didnt want it, then he wouldnt do it, but else he would, before walking over to the door, opening it with the door opener in the bottom, that was there, so people didnt have to touch the doorhandle. He smiled to Spencer, before walking over to the elevator, waiting for it to come, after having pressed the button. He walked inside and soon found himself in front of the door to the new room. It was a really big and lovely room, with a great wiew to the park and lake, and a tv, and two beds close up to each other, and ready for use with pillows and everything else that came with it.

Spencer understood why James needed to know. It was clearly hurting him that he had been with someone else. It hadn’t been his intention, or maybe it has. He wasn’t sure. He just knew that he regretted it now. And that was the troublesome part, because he knew how hard it was going to fight that feeling off overwhelming fear of loss. He would react extremely again. Spencer was going to get a time with a professional as soon he could. He just wanted to be better already. He also had a feeling, it wasn’t going to be so easy.

Spencer thought about his question a short moment. ”Like if we’re just friends? It won’t make a difference, I think. I’m scared of Kenna leaving me too.” The only way he could truly avoid fearing the abandonment, was there as long as he cared about someone. ”I don’t want us to be friends.” He wanted things to be easy with James, but it wasn’t right now. He just had to accept that was how it was going to be with him. He could never have something that didn’t take a ton of work. Spencer nodded when he suggested they got ready for the new room. He got up and took the things James had brought him. ”Okay. Just don’t blame me if she gets pissed at us for leaving her behind,” he sent him a smirk, because he knew she wouldn’t. Maybe a little annoyed if anything.

Spencer didn’t have that much of a problem with being carried. It was just practical at times. He looked down on his hands when they walked into the elevators, his heart rate raising slightly. He still didn’t like them, but he tried to overcome it. He had bigger things to worry about. He looked around at the other room. It was nicer than the one before. It felt less like a hospital room. He gently moved out of James’ arms and stood back down on the ground. He looked back up at him, leaning in for a kiss. He just wanted to make him know that he still wanted this, so much. He was really gonna try with everything he had to make it work.

//So short sorry

He looked down at Spencer when he walked inside the elevator, gently squeezing him closer to himself, kissing his forhead. He remembered the look he had in his eyes, from the first time he was in an elevator with him. He knew now, that it properly scared him or made him uncomfortable, so of course he would react on it. He looked at him for a little while, thinking about his words. He didnt want them to be friend.. he took it as he wanted them to be more, and so did he himself. He got the door open, before gently placing Spencer down, so he could walk over to the bed himself, if that was what he wanted. He placed the bag and the flowers at the bed again, and found the half full cola, before looking at Spencer a little, with a smile on his lips.

When he looked down to Spencer, he didnt see the kiss coming, so he instantly pulled away from him, looking a little to the side, not knowing what to say at first. It wasnt because he didnt want to kiss him, but he just felt like he wouldnt be able to control himself if he did, and even then, it still hurted him.. the thought of someone else kissing those lips. He looked at Spencer, before saying with a shaky voice. " It´s not you.. it´s not because i dont want to kiss you, so please dont.. think that ". He had seen how Spencer could switch from one mood to another, so he wouldnt want him to freak out, from being turrned away.

He rubbed his neck a little, hoping that Spencer wouldnt go crazy again, but if he did, he would be there.. ready to stop him from hurting himself again. He walked over to the already made bed, before looking at Spencer a little. He stroke his own arm a little, looking to the side, thinking how in the hell he would be able to even stay calm and clear near him in the hospital. Everything inside of him was ready to jump him, to just rip his clothes off. He looked down for a moment, before looking at Spencer a little, walking over to him, to hug him tightly. " I just need time.. ".





// No its okay :3 //