Sweet dreams or a beautiful nightmare

"No no no," she repeated almost breathless. She felt to her knees, feeling the tears running down her cheeks. How did this happen? She couldn't remember this happening. She looked at the gravestone with his name on. It couldn't be true? But if it wasn't true, why would her heart be feeling like this. She kept trying. "This is not how it was supposed to happen.. come back. I need you to come back," she said feeling out of breath. The pain in her chest grew and she couldn't take it.
"Ella," she heard the voice and froze for a second before looking back. He was standing right there. A smile showed on her lips and the salty tears kept on running down her cheeks. "You are here," she got up and walked to him. He looked worried, but she cupped his face with her hands. "You need to wake up," he said. Mariella frowned. "WAKE UP ELLA".

Mariella woke up in a heartbeat, smelling the smoke from the fire she had lighted up in her sleep. The carpet and the bed was on fire.
"Oh shit," she sat up and moved her hand over the flames, making them go away. Her heart was beating so fast, and she moved her legs up to wrap her arms around them. Leaning her chin against her knees while she took a deep breath in. She had been out of control for about days now, but this was a bad sign. Mariella got up and walked out of her room. She needed to go downstairs and eat something - or just be somewhere else.
"What are you doing so late up at night?" She asked when she saw Jamie. They hadn't really been speaking since everything. But right now she was pretty shaken up, and didn't have the urge to ignore him.

Jamie was sitting against a wall downstairs. He stood up when he smelled the fire, and then it stopped. Mariella came down the stars shortly after. They hadn't spoken, and he had given her space. She was going through something bad, and he didn't want to add to it. If she didn't want to talk, he respected that. It didn't mean he liked it. He missed her. Ever since he had gotten his humanity back, the guilt had been the worst. He shrugged at her question. "I haven't been sleeping lately," he said. Sleep wasn't neccessary for a vampire, but it had been a part of Jamie's rituals. He had not always slept. He only slept when he was happy and felt safe. Now he felt neither. Mariella was one of the few people who knew this. Jamie didn't want to bring it up, but his eyes betrayed him and told her that he not only wanted to talk it out. He neeed to. He couldn't go on like this, having her angry at him. "What about you?" He asked, instead of the question he really wanted to ask; 'what can i do to make you forgive me.'

She sighed silently when he said he hadn't been sleeping lately. Mariella wasn't the best sleeper before this happened, but it clearly didn't help her much either. She knew he wanted to talk about what had happened that day. Mariella wasn't sure she was ready for it. Of course she missed her best friend, but if she opened up that box of emotions - she feared the next storm would be on its way. Mariella took a deep breath in when he asked her question back.
"It's.. on and off. I guess I'm lucky if I get three hours of sleep before I wake for some reason," she shook her head a little and walked to the fridge. Mariella took out a bottle of water and opened the lit. "I don't hate you. I'm slightly pissed at you.. but I don't hate you," she then broke the silence and closed the fridge again. "But I'm not gonna dig into that anger, because it will open up for every single thing.. and we all see how well I'm handeling that," she looked at the dark spots on her skin from the fire. Mariella took a few sips of the water. "I'm going on the roof, you can join me if you want." She then put the lit on the bottle and walked out of the kitchen. Mariella climbed out the secret way to the roof and went up there. She laid down on the rooftop and looked up at the stars.

Jamie didn't think she hated him. He got why she was angry, but considering how she was always angry with Lion and always seemed to forgive him, he knew it was probably not different for himself. He just had to be patient, and he was trying to be. The worst part was, he couldn't be there for her. It was a troubled time for her, and all he wanted to do was help her through this, but he couldn't without reminding her of what he had done. "I'm sorry. You deserve better than this," he claimed and followed her with his gaze. "I can handle pissed," he said and leaned against the counter. "Then don't. I'll try to be patient." She was worth the wait, so it shouldn't be a problem. He nodded when she offered he could join her on the roof. He followed her out to the secret way to the roof and went up there after her. He sat down next to her. "Has Lion told you what he did?" She deserved to know, and if Lion hadn't already told her, he would consider doing it. Maybe not right now, but when things were back to normal.

She took a deep breath in. He asked about Lion. Of course he did.
"Yes he did," she answered fast and closed her eyes for a second. "I don't even know if that is the reason we aren't talking anymore.. or if I'm just to full of myself to actually do something about it," she sighed a bit before turning her head to look at Jamie. "Or I guess not.. he wanted to cut me out of his life for being toxic," she turned her eyes back at the stars.
"You are wrong and Cole is right. I fucking deserve this," she felt her heart skip a beat. Jamie had been done for so long, that all her fights and struggles - he had no idea. He hadn't been there for her to tell him about it.
"I guess I don't have the same energy to be angry or hurt about stuff anymore. I just feel like I walk on the line between empty and everything. I met a serial killer last week, been hunted about around by angry wolves three days ago.. It's been some interesting weeks - sure Reggie is gonna have a lot of stories to listen to when he gets back," she tensed her jaws by the last sentence. Was it possible she had cried so much the first few weeks, that there was no more tears left in her system? Or did she have a glance of hope now that Dean and Dylan had joined the search team? She needed hope to keep herself together.

Jamie had still trouble believing Lion would do that. Not just to Mariella, which was bad enough, but to Jamie as well. It put him in a terrible situation with his best friend. He knew it was not the reason they hadn't spoken, but it surely didn't help. "Hey, no. You're not full of yourself. You have enough on your plate. Maybe it's better he's not around. I love him and stuff, but he always makes everything worse somehow. We need someone who can help, and I don't think he can." He looked at her when she repeated what Lion had told her. He tightened his jaw. "I don't think he meant that. He was angry and defensive. He can't live without you." He sighed and laid down next to her. "I saw him the other day. He is stupid, but not a bad person. I hope when all this is over with, the two of you can talk it out. He's a mess," he said.

Jamie didn't like hearing that name. Cole. He had been there when Serenity died. He should have fought harder to save her. "And you're seriously going to listen to him? He's the reason Serenity is dead. Stop listening to him. Stay away from him all together," he said in a bitter tone. He listened to her talk about her her experiences. He didn't like this. She was calm. Mariella was almost never calm. There was no inbetween with her, so the fact that she was like this, worried him. Had she given up? "I know you don't want to talk about it, but can I please explain?" He just wanted her to know why he had done what he did.

"At this point I can't tell if you mean that, or if its because I need to be handles like fraigle bagage," she sighed at herself by that comment. She really needed to stop talking out loud time to time, but her filter wasn't that easy to move away from her. "I think he did," she corrected Jamie when he said he didn't think Lion meant it.
"I know he isn't a bad person. Being the bad guy resolves in doing bad things with your mind clear that you are doing them," she shook her head a little. Now wasn't the time to analyse stuff. She chuckled a little followed by a small giggle when he said to stay away from Cole.
"You can't blame someones death on other people, unless you were there to see it. I mean, if I had killed those people in the water that night.. there blood would have been on your hands too," she spoke calmly and looked at Jamie shortly. She snorted for a second when he wanted to explain.
"Everything is fucked up. People died around you. People seemed to leave, there was no way you could figure out how to consume all these emotions - so you flipped the switch. Sometimes I wish I was a vampire so I could do it -" she just replied and sat up. "I don't care for you reasons. What happened. Happened. You don't have to justify your actions to me."

"No, don't do that. Don't make it seem like I'm treating you differently now than I nromally would. It's not about you being fragile, it's about making you see the truth." He was tired of him and his friends feeling like this. Couldn't they catch a break? Just once? He had not spoken to Raymond in a while. At first he had was not sure he could handle him having a girlfriend, but eventually he got over it. But since he turned off his humanity, he wasn't sure if he should go back. Maybe it was more about feeling guilty. He just couldn't see himself happy unless Mariella was. "Well maybe he did, but we can't know for sure unless we talk to him. And right now, I think we should think about getting Reginald back, not trying to fix relationships in the group." Jamie didn't say anything to her analysis. She was right. He was not bad, just really impulsive and sometimes a little stupid. "It's easier to blame him. If I don't, then I'll blame myself." He couldn't handle that guilt right now. "You shouldn't. It might work for a while, but when you turn them back on, everything you should have felt when it was turned off will come all at once. I was a mess for two days before I finally got past it. I practically starved myself, because I couldn't focus on anything else than my emotions. Trust me, it's not worth it." He sighed as she didn't seem to want to hear it. "Okay. We won't talk about it then," he sat up as well.

Mariella closed her eyes for a second. She was scared. So scared. About everything. It wasn't an unfamiliar feeling. Before Jeremy died she had lived in a similar type of fear. "Does it matter, we keep trying and we keep thinking. But its like we are walking around in circles. We need to start doing," she quotes what Eilish had told her a few weeks ago. She did listen to Jamie, but she couldn't take in his emotions at this moment, no matter how much she wanted to make it better - she couldn't find a space for it right now. Mariella knew she was an awful friend, she just didn't need to vocalize it to know it.
"It's easier to blame my fucked up head on Reginalds being gone, than the real deal. It's not even about Lion, its about me blaming everything else and everyone else," she admitted and breathed out. "You once told me, that you didn't want to be my friend anymore if I was violent," she looked to Jamie. He didn't know about the people she had killed when she was with Melania - did anyone really know that? She looked away.
"Before we traveled here, I almost never stepped inside these walls - unless I was here to talk to Lion or Amayllis - Karmena before we broke up. But I never belonged here, or I never felt at home here," she took a deep breath in. Jamie and Mariella knew most things about each other - but this she had always kept to herself. "But when I'm here with Reggie, its home. He made it feel like a home, a place I wanted to stay in.. and I have grown so close with so many people here again. People I honestly thought didn't want to talk to me anymore," she added and sighed a little. "So him not being here.. its feels like I'm at a strange place, and I can't calm down. I don't feel.. safe." She admitted. Mariella licked her lips shortly and took a deep breath in.
"I miss our secret serpent meetings, just you, me, Eilish and Theo driving around the city when Lion was busy with his core four. Now we are all afraid of our own shadows."