Walk through fire

The truth was slightly harsh to hear. He was sorry that she hadn’t been with anyone for almost four-hundred years after his disappearance. She explained how she fell for someone who clearly hadn’t been good to her and how the last couple of years had been hard. She elaborated that unexpected things freaked her out, which now made sense. He smiled gently as she explained that he would never be forgotten. He pulled a soft smile to her. “I wished I had gone back earlier,” he confessed. “I’m so sorry for the things you’ve gone through,” he continued. “I know it doesn’t change a thing, but I want you to know that I never wished for any of those things to happen to you,” he cared deeply for her and always had, with or without a mark. Even if the bond never had been there or the mate never had been her, his heart would have been singing for her no matter what. Somehow, he understood why Cassian was so glad for Eris, because there was just a whole other atmosphere when she was around. He was able to put things away and just stay in the moment with her or the children he had had with her. God, he had an extra son.

An expression filled with both sadness and serenity glided over Eris face, as she looked at him. Killian telling her that he had wished he had gone back earlier. How she had wished that too, that he would have come back, reached out and asked her to come back. She would have done so in a heartbeat. Which filled her with dread because she had no idea how to handle this situation. She didn’t want to hurt anyone in the process. But sitting here, so close to a man that had mended her when she had been at her worst. It brought up so many feelings that it was hard to keep herself in check. Especially since the feeling of his lips against hers, still burned on the skin.

“I know you didn’t wish for it to happen, but you are not the fault of it either, things just – it just didn’t work out for us as I might have hoped, but that is okay – we adapt and move forward” she said and titled her head, letting her hand find his cheek, slowly caressing it. “God, I’ve missed you so much” she said with a very small voice, not really wanting to let those words slip from her lips. But her blue eyes locking with his. It was almost like the world faded around them. For a second, she could almost picture herself back in their house. Her painting while Norah and Oliver running around playing in the garden. His arms around her waist, forcing her to stop. The laughing, and the gentle kisses. The time where she had a home, and a family. The one she had always dreamt of. Eris could feel how her nose started to sting, and tears threatened to spill from her eyes. But she kept it in check, as she leaned over and placed a soft kiss on his forehead.

It was no easy situation for her, it was clear to see, and as she had told him, she couldn’t just forget him. He would forever be somewhere in her memories. Some might think it was mean of him to tell her how he wished he had acted back then, but for him, he wanted her to know how he had wished things had gone. But no matter what, he had needed rest and recharge his powers. So many years of war hadn’t been healthy on him and his amount of energy.

But it’s okay.

Killian disagreed. He didn’t think that it was okay that they had glided away from each other like they had. It had brought many terrible things along. As she put her hand on his cheek, he blinked slowly and leaned a little into her hand. There was just really something special about the true bond. “And I’ve missed you too,” he said feeling lost in her eyes. He wished to pull her close and comfort her, but he also knew that it might be too much. He let his hand rest on top of hers, hugging it gently. He noticed how her tears started to glisten even more and he wished to take her in and tell her that things would be alright.
But then she leaned in and kissed his forehead. He hadn’t even noticed how he had held his breath, and when he breathed out, it was like every muscle in him relaxed and his shoulders fell down. There was something so comforting about her. The hand which rested on her hand found their way to her outer thigh and pulled her closer. It even pressures his tears, and Killian wasn’t really the man to cry. Nothing ever shook him off his horse. But she, she would always be a soft spot for him.

Her eyes opened and she looked at him. How his hand pulled her closer, even though they were almost as close as they could be. She didn’t even fight him or tell him it was too much. Even though there was a small voice telling her this wasn’t right. But, the history, the feeling she had for him? It was so hard not to fall back into what had once been, also because it would be so easy to just pick up from where they had left off. “Oh Killian” she whispered as she saw how tears started to pull around his own eyes, the sting and heaviness came back in her body. “You really need to stop putting all the weight on yourself” she whispered letting her other arm snake around his shoulder. Now, she was a bit smaller, okay a lot smaller than the warlock. So, in order to make sure that she could hug him right, she ended up on his lap. Her hand still on his cheek, she placed her forehead against his, closing her eyes. “It’s okay, please don’t blame yourself, because I don’t – I never did” she whispered against his cheek, letting her arm pulled him closer.

He pulled a sad smile as she told him to stop putting weight onto his own shoulders. “You should give this speech to yourself, too,” he said. They had both been great at putting all the weight on their own shoulders, and he remembered so clearly how when they were together it was like everything just got easier. Lighter. Disappeared. When he had been with her, thing had just been going so smoothly and they had been able to work on themselves even though he still had military and his business.
She crawled on top of his lap, and he didn’t hesitate to wrap his arms around her. He closed his eyes in serenity as she put her forehead against his. She had never blamed him, and she didn’t want him to blame him either. But he did, even though he couldn’t have acted differently. Coma took such a long time, and when he had awoken, he didn’t have his money at hand to make someone write for him and by the time he had gotten the muscle power and coordination to write himself, she didn’t live the same place anymore. It was troublesome. A tear glided down his cheek and he raised his head a bit. He truly wanted to lean in, but he hesitated for a moment. He knew he shouldn’t. She had a boyfriend, just like he had…


Almost as if it was a step-by-step guide, he slowly leaned closer letting their noses touch the side of each other before he let his lips hover over hers and finally leaned in to kiss her lips.

A soft chuckle left her throat as he told her that she should give herself the same speech. He was right, she really should. But it was always easier to preach it, than to actually to do it yourself. Which was something that they had in common. She felt the drop of water against her hand, and she slowly dried it of his skin. As he moved his head, she pulled a little back. As their eyes caught, it was like every ounce of air was drawn for her lungs. But even then she forgot to breathe, or even react. She understood where it was going, and once again she didn’t do anything to stop it. This time – she shouldn’t’ have placed herself in this situation. She should have walked away. Told Killian to go, and taken Oliver’s offer. But she hadn’t. Why? She wasn’t sure.

“Killian” she let out a small gasp as he leaned in. Felt his hot breath against his lips as it was like he regretted his move. She was about to pull away when his lips met hers. This time, she couldn’t help herself. Her fingers that had been against his cheek glided into his hair and she pulled him closer. Pressing her lips towards his, feeling the electricity shoot through her body. Another gasp left her, she had to stop the kiss for a brief moment. Forgetting everything around her, why she had come and the promises she had made, she pressed her lips towards his again. The sound he made, his touch, their lips. It was intoxicating. Addicting even.

Eris was right, for a moment he regretted what he was about to do, because he it could either ruin everything or get everything back together. But he had lived such a long time without her, that he felt like he had to know. He had to take the chance. So, he kissed her. It was almost like an immediate reaction that she let her hand glide into his hair and pulled him closer. Everything about it was so electric and he never wished for it to end. He had always wished for them to have continued. Had he had her all of this time – these many, many years, he wouldn’t have needed anyone else. His own heart had now been around to many different women and gotten a taste for what they had to offer, and some of them had something very special about them – and all of them had gotten a name on his body.

She stopped the kiss for a moment and he could feel how their breaths mixed. To him, he could be anywhere right now, but it wouldn’t matter. What mattered right now was the woman sitting on his lap and everything else couldn’t matter less. “I love you,” he whispered but only just in time for her lips to crash with his again. It was like setting fire to a gas station and his hands slid form the hugging down to her hips to pull her closer.

He made her heart sing, in a way that she had forgotten that it was capable off. The heart that her husband Calvin had darken and made believe that she only deserved the love that she had to fight for. That if she couldn’t be completely devoted and do what they needed her to, then she wasn’t lovable. If she couldn’t submit, then was she even a woman worth having near? Maybe it wasn’t right to compare Jack with Calvin, but she was still under the influence, about wanting to please them. Wanting to make amends for something she had done. Was that healthy?

I love you

She opened her eyes, thoughts about Jack and Calvin were evaporated from her mind. As she looked at him, it was like she finally understood what love was again. Not knowing how to handle the information she kissed him. She moved her legs, so she was sitting crossed over his lap. Small, pleasured moans left her nose as she pressed her lips more passionately against his. Regret would come later, but now? Now nothing of this was wrong because she loved him too. So how, how could it be wrong when two people clearly still loved each other?

Eris pulled away, letting her forehead find his. Her eyes were still closed, and her breath came shallow and hard. “How can you still love me?” she whispered opening her eyes looking into his. A wet shine was gliding over the deep sapphire eyes. She swallowed hard “I’m even more broken than the first time you found me” she breathed against his lips. Here she was, kissing him even though she had promised Jack, she would never hurt him again. She truly was more twisted than she thought she was.

For a moment he felt like his words had killed everything. Burned it alive. But no, she accepted that he loved her, or that was what he got from the way she moved and continued to kiss him, leaving small, pleasured moans. Occasionally she pulled away and leaned her forehead against his. He breathed heavily, and he loved how their breaths mixed. As her words left her mouth he opened his eyes to look into her light eyes. Even more broken. He closed his eyes and a little smile pulled up on his lips while he shook his head a little. “Even if you feel broken, you’re not unlovable,” he replied and pulled further back so he could look into her eyes properly. “I love you and all of the cracks. I love how you’re still standing strong. How you’re working hard. I love the children we have gotten. The way you smile and-” He  could continue forever, there was no doubt. He loved her, everything about her. The fact that he shortly had forgotten that he hadn't met Charles, was another case. “You should know, that no matter how many times you break, you can always – and I promise you, always, heal,” he said and let a hand find remove a strand of hair and slowly run a hand through her hair. She might just need the right help from the right person or maybe even to cut someone out of her life. “And when you heal, that is what makes you even stronger and more lovable,” he said, still keeping his eye contact with her.

Her eyes didn’t leave his as he started explaining that even though she was broken. He still loved her. It both tore her apart and pieced her together. It was a weird and emotional whirlwind of emotions that barged down on her. Because she had no idea how to handle all of it. But it was also comforting because it felt like coming home. Like a safe harbour while the storm was raging over the sea. A soft smile formed over her lips, taking a deep breath in while her fingers chomped through his hair and settled behind his neck. Fingers lightly pressing against his warm skin. “You always where a word smith, Killian Jones” she whispered closing her eyes while feeling the closeness of how they were sitting.

“I really should go” she whispered still with closed eyes and not really wanting to move. She wanted nothing more than to stay, catch up and talk. But she also knew it came with dangerous foresights. Even with the slight panic spreading in her chest about what that meant. Because that, she couldn’t. Broken, used, not worthy. Her breathing became shallow for a second before she. Pulled away letting out a pained breath and a smile formed on her lips. “this isn’t fair to you” she let her fingers glide over his cheek, ready to get up from his lap and move out of the room.

He could see on her smile that she appreciated the things he said that it was things she hadn’t heard in a while, but really needed to hear. She needed to know that she was loved because she didn’t hear it enough. He hummed a little as she commented on his use of words. He didn’t agree, because if he was such a word smith, things would be going much more smoothly with his daughters, right?

A little frown appeared on his forehead as she said she had to go. He didn’t remove his hands, because even though she had just said it, he couldn’t feel a single muscle of hers move. It seemed like she just enjoyed that she was right there in his arms.
But she pulled away. He looked into her eyes and could feel that she was ready to move. He wouldn’t grab onto her and insist that she stayed, no. He knew her better than that. “What do you mean this isn’t fair to me?” he wondered, breathing out slowly, clearly not as worried as she seemed to be about the situation.

She got up from his lap looking at him with a sad smile, as he asked why it wasn’t fair to him. Or more, what she meant when she said that. “I, I need to get my head in order – I have a boyfriend, we” she breathed in, already missing his warmth. Maybe they should even talk about what this meant? Eris sat down on her knees, placing her hands on his knees. It made her sit close, but not close enough to them ending in a situation where they would end up kissing again. Of course, she didn’t think about how it would look if another person walked in. She had done this many times, maybe it came from her time of praying in a church. Getting down on her knees praying. Even though the church had given her so many scars, it had also given her comfort. Like right now.

“Maybe we, should talk about what this even means” she mumbled giving him a small smile, wanting to know what this were and what it might meant. But before she could do much else, the elevator made a small ding and a woman stepped out with some papers “I’m sorry Mr. Jones I thought you were off for the rest of the day, but your son insisted on –“ she looked up and saw how they were sitting and made a small gasp “I’m so, so sorry Mr. Jones I didn’t know that Mrs. Jones” she finally saw that it wasn’t Artemis sitting there, as she had only seen the blond hair. A another gasp left the poor woman “oh, oh my, I’m just going to go now, I’m so sorry” she stepped into the elevator and Eris got up, looking at Killian. Mrs. Jones? Oh god, what had she done “I’m so sorry, I didn’t even think you might, I thought, Oh damn, I’m, I should go” she got over to where she had placed her scarf and jacket to put it on.

She got up from her position and he simply looked up at her. He was reminded of the fact that she had a boyfriend. Just like earlier, his heart sank. Yes, that fact hurt him, but after all, he had Artemis and-… Well, he didn’t even know what to do himself, and he would probably need to talk with her about this too. God have mercy on Killian’s soul. She got down on her knees, getting so much smaller than she already was. He took a deeper breath in as she said they probably should talk about what it meant. He was about to tell her that it seemed like a good idea when he hear the elevator pling. He didn’t think much of how Eris sat in front of him, nor did he believe that his secretary would mention his ex-wife, but she did. It was like the floor underneath Killian crumbled and he was falling into a deep pit. This was some bullshit. He closed his eyes as soon as the woman had turned around and put his hand up to his forehead, rubbing it as he felt a headache coming in. As Eris got up, he quickly gave her his full attention again. He didn’t want her to leave so suddenly. As she started to walk away from him to get dressed he got up from his seat and followed her. “Wait, Eris. It’s not what you think. I-” he watched how she put on her clothing. “I’m not married. I got divorced in the start of this year and-” he frowned a bit. It was rather complicated to explain how one of his coven members had gotten the look of his ex-wife and how he was seeing her. He sighed, “I, it’s rather complicated, but please don’t blame yourself for anything,” he said trying to catch her eyes.

She turned around as he told her to wait, telling her that it wasn’t what she thought. It never was, was it? She took a sharp breath through her nose. Why did her heart hurt so much? She wasn’t his, hadn’t been for a long time, but just the thought of him having someone else. She understood what he must feel every time she had mention having a boyfriend. She also understood that her feeling like this meant, that the talk with Jack wasn’t going to be pleasant. Letting her eyes find his, was hard at first, but she did and even managed to give him a small smile. Divorced. She did recall how much he wanted to be married to her back in the time, how many times she had turned him down. And besides that, he had still stayed with her. “You can say that again, complicated” she whispered letting a hand glide down her face. When she removed it, she took his hand and gave it a small squeeze “always the man getting burned by his passion” she chuckled, she had no illusions of what kind of man Killian was. How different he could be given the situation. But with her, she had always believed she had been able to see his real face. Just like he had been the only one to truly strip her down to her true self. “I should go, to sort out my feelings about this, can we meet again, soon?” she whispered looking up at him with an almost innocent look.

Eris knew Killian very, very well. She had seen every single side of the coin. The crown and the tails. The outer ridges and the small, small whole in the middle. She had seen his loving and caring side, how mad he could get at Oliver, Cassian, and Michelle from doing things they knew they shouldn’t do. She knew how he loved to work and how he was a very, very fragile man with a very tough shell. She had seen it all.
He pulled a slightly sad smile as she whispered that she should go. “Of course, we can,” he said pulling a soft smile. She had already made sure they had each other’s phone numbers. “Get home safe, okay?” he spoke softly and gave her hand a small squeeze back. He wished to lean down and give her a kiss on the cheek, but he also knew it would be unfair of him when she already had said she needed to sort out her feelings.

Home. She took a deep breath in. She didn’t have one of those, living here and there, not feeling safe staying at one place for too long. She knew that no one was really after her. But the paranoia didn’t go away. So, sometimes she slept a cheap hotels. The next day a fancy hotel room that cost more than many people made in a month. Then there were the times where she slept with Jack, something that wouldn’t be happening much more after this. A soft breath escaped her lips, before the smile was back. “You too, take care of yourself” she whispered as her hand found his neck and pulled herself up on her toes to place a soft kiss against his lips. Felt how the feeling swept over her again. “I love you too” she whispered as she pulled away. “Don’t ever forget that” she gave a soft peck on his lips again before the shadows crept around her and made her vanish. Following the shadows down to the hall she reappeared between a lot of people walking out the building. She had always been good at blending in and pulling the scarf over her blond hair she disappeared into the crowd of people walking back to the school to get her bike. She needed some time to let her mind find its way back. Before she had to face the consequences of having a past that you couldn’t let go off.

He smiled softly as she told him to take care of himself. “You too,” he said with a slightly worried expression. He wished to remind her, that he could feel whatever she went through, but he chose not to. She seemed to have enough to think about for now. The expression lessened as she found his neck and he leaned a little down so she could reach him, and he reciprocated the kiss, enjoying it while it lasted. She loved him too. He looked at her, pulling a sad smile “I won’t,” he said before he received another peck and she vanished.
He took a bigger breath in before he straightened back up and let both of his hands run through his hair. He had enjoyed every moment with her, even though at the school it had been slightly hectic. But now, he had to face the stress of the life he was so used to live without her. Everything was turning back to reality. He walked over to his couch and looked at it shortly and found few hairs which had gotten loose from her. He picked them up and went over to his office table and pulled up a new lever arch file to create one for Eris. One might think that it was weird for him to create folder for just one person, but to Killian, it was a way for him to keep an eye out on the people he loved. And Eris, well if she was in danger, he wouldn’t think twice before he would transport to her. Besides from the love, he would die if she died.

//out