"Even if the mountains were to crumble and the hills disappear"

@Remy

-my heart of steadfast, faithful love will never leave you.

It is 6 days since Eden died the 30th march 2021

My heart will not be afraid even if an army rises to attack. I know that you are there for me, so I will not be shaken. Here’s the one thing I crave from God, the one thing I seek above all else: I want the privilege of living with him every moment in his house, finding the sweet loveliness of his face, filled with awe, delighting in his glory and grace. I want to live my life so close to him that he takes pleasure in my every prayer. – Psalm 27:3-4

It had been six days now.
Remiel had awoken early in the morning after Eden's death, somehow in the middle of the forest. Truth be told he hardly remembered what had happened before that, except how Azrael had appeared, helped him to heaven with Eden and left him alone to grieve in one of the large, holy altar rooms. Eden had laid there, still and cold and bloody and without a wing, and he had cried more that he could ever recall having cried. Endless streams of tears had fallen, blurring his vision as much as his mind. Remy knew of angels that had fallen for less than some of the words he had shouted that evening and had thought God would punish him for his doubt.

“I am too damn old for this!” He shouted at the sky, tears streaming down his face. He hardly had any voice left; his harsh words as hoarse and spiteful as every single emotion in his body. If he had doubted God whilst captive in Samael's lair, this had been a million times stronger. “Have I not yet proven my loyalty, father? With all I have done in your name! Why!? Why are you still testing me! She deserved so much more!”
Maybe this was for nearly being consumed by Samael's essence. Maybe this was for losing faith in those few insignificant moments of doubt and hatred. If this was some payback for that, he didn't want any part in it anymore. "I just found her damnit! She has kids! How can you justify the loss of such a blessing!? A mother! They need her!"

Although weak; weaker than he would have liked to admit, he had left Melian and Imera for a few stolen moments to go back to heaven and pray for her every night since. It had now been 6 days, and as he sat in front of the altar, his eyes had once again been flooded with salty tears as they did more often than not these days. The cold light from the almost full moon, shone bright beams of illumination through the windows; a beam of light conveniently falling upon him as he sat on his knees in the empty hall. He closed his eyes, breathing in through his nose as he tried to calm his emotions, when a bright golden light had him open his eyes back up. A very vibrant yet familiar aura hit him and for once he had to squint through the light in front of him.
Remiel.
Gods. It actually sounded like her this time. She put a hand on his shoulder. It even smelled like her. He whimpered, leaning his head onto her hand. This time she felt more real than last time. It made his eyes tear up again and continue the tireless stream of water. Mostly he would hear her voice or catch glimpses of her smell. Or she would come to him in his dream, telling him something very similar to what she told him now.
It’s okay, it’s time to let go of the guilt.
He laughed coarsely shaking his head, before looking up at her.
"Stop it," he whispered. Her eyes had been purple but slowly turned brown. He smiled a little sadly through the tears. Maybe he was already forgetting what she had looked like. Her image was merging with Melian. Lilac eyes and blonde hair.
I’m here, stop your grieving because all is going to be well.
"How could it?" He asked the vision in front of him in a whisper. So many things about this vision was different. He felt like he was mixing people up. First Melian and Eden and now she felt a lot like someone else. Who was it? This aura? Ah. Zadkiel. Benevolence and kindness. Maybe he missed him too and the loss of his best friend had somehow triggered the loss of a brother. "How could it when you're not here to guide me. How could it when I can't look your children in the eyes. How could it when I can't let you go."

Zadkiels aura was overwhelming. It surrounded him, trying to drown out his confusion and his pain in its bright lilac light. "Ahava," he whispered; the Hebrew word for love. Whether the soft whisper was meant for the vision of Eden or for the forceful presence of his brother; a presence he hadn't felt in many, many years, was unknown to him.
Zadkiel had been many years younger than Remy, but so much wiser. After everything had happened with Lucifer; the war, the fall and the doubt that it had left lingering in his soul, Zadkiel had been the one to heal him. The one to find him when he had isolated himself on Earth, scared God wouldn't take him back to heaven. "I'm not courageous enough to face it," Remy had whispered. "The word "courage" comes from the word cor," Zaadkiel had explained as they sat around a fire, looking into the flames. "Which means heart, Remiel." He had put a hand on Remy's chest, who felt the vibrations and warmth shiver shrough his body. "And your heart is big and strong."

Look at me.
Remy looked up through his tears. The lights around them turned blurry from the watery vision, creating dull flickers around her making her seem almost celestial paired with her beautifully forgiving aura. Her hands were warm. Warmer than they should have been. He gazed at her longingly. How cruel was a world that could make him envision such a lively and real hallucination. The aura made him whimper. It felt so pure. So good. So holy.
So hopeful. The words she said were words he had heard before. Azrael had been saying something close to this. As had Eos. As had Imera and Melian and all the rest of the few people he had seen since. That is wasn't his fault. That he couldn't have done anything. That he wasn't at fault for being weak; it had been the snake Samael. And although he deeply wished he could just blame it all on his devil-spawned nephew, he simply couldn't shake off the feeling that he should have done more. He should do more than follow her kids around to make sure they were safe but keeping his distance. Or leaving them food on the doorsteps when they hadn't eaten. Or passing by to give them that little boost of hope they might need to handle their grief. He could help them but somehow hadn't been able to help himself.

The little, soft circular motions her thumb made in his palm, sent shivers through his body and made the fine hairs on his arms rise. He parted his lips slightly, as if to talk, but no words came out. He simply looked at her in confusion. This was a little too real.
"What is this?" He whispered; befuddled and unable to think clearly.
I’m really here, this isn’t a trick of your mind.
Remy swiftly pulled his hand away from her, with a loud gasp for air that sounded remarkably much like a 'no'.
"No, no," he repeated with a shaky voice, fumbling with his hands on the cold floor to push himself backwards and away from her warmth. What was this? Was this the serpent? Was it the devil? Was this what temptation felt like? What Eve had felt before eating that cursed apple in the Holy Gardens? "No! Get away from me," he heaved, unable to catch his breath. "Oh, God, please! My heart can't take it anymore. I can't take it," he whimpered, closing his eyes in hopes that it would help the world turn back to normal again. "I can't take it," he repeated; his voice coarse from emotions.

Remy couldn't focus.
He really couldn't focus.
How confusing it was; this strange mix of auras and people in his life. It hit him with memories he'd forgotten and times he'd suppressed. He hadn't thought of Zadkiel in many years but this made him realise just how much he had and did miss him. Gabriel and Michael and Raphael had always been stoic and holy and very serious and not exactly had time for most of Remiel's faffing about and him being fascinated with literally every single thing he ever came across, but Zad had always listened and shown interest for his enthusiasm. Especially now that he hadn't seen Uriel for years, he had really missed some of that warmth. The warmth he suddenly felt now. Maybe he was dying. That could be the only explanation for seeing Eden and feeling Zadkiel, couldn't it? They were both dead. Maybe there was an after-life for angels after all.

He flinched at the physical contact, feeling unable to breathe in her arms. It was so overwhelming - every single aspect of it. Her smell. Zadkiels aura. Her warmth. Her gentle hands.
God needed someone new to be the archangel of forgiveness.
It didn't make sense. Was that how this worked? If he was to die, someone else would take his spot? Get his aura? Get his life? A hoarse sob made its way though his throat and he clenched onto whatever fabric she was wearing. She was so close to him that her voice sent shivers down his spine. How else would He be able to bring back hope?
"He could have prevented it in the first place," he snapped. He knew that wasn't how it worked and he didn't believe those words deep down. He could have prevented it. Remy absently pressed down on the soft spot in his left palm between his thumb and index finger. It was still sore and his veins were dark blue and nearly black. Maybe it was a mark that had been left by Samael. The thought made a bright flare of anger shoot through him again. He could have taken care of Samael. Anything. Anything at all. A sign! Anything!
Remy finally lifted his face, regarding her with sorrowful eyes. He wasn't sure if he dared believe in her words. Regardless it hurt. It hurt so much. "I don't understand." He had begged for so long for this to happen knowing well that God wouldn't listen to his nonsense; even thinking he would fall for saying some of these words and yet here she was in front of him - definitely real in one way or another and he couldn't feel an ounce of relief. There was no happiness. Her fingers on his cheek made the inner corners of his eyebrows angle slightly upwards and his lips press together into a thin line.
"Where is he then?" He whispered hoarsely. "If he's so important. Where is he? Where is Uri? Where is Truth? I can't find him - I can't find anybody anymore!" His voice rapidly built in volume. "I can't even find the bloody human!" Maeve Poe. Disappeared and in pain but still with that little precious flicker of hope and he couldn't help her. Her words hit him straight in his heart.

My love for you, Remy, would be enough to always carry me by your side.
He had known that since he had met her. He had tried his best to not give in to her feelings for him and to treat them with respect and dignity without giving her any false hope, but her love had never faded. He looked down, away from her soft gaze; removing his cheek from her hand in doing so.
"- and my covenant of peace shall not be removed, says the Lord, who has compassion on you," he finished in a whisper. Were these words from God? Was this the sign he had waited for after all that time of silence? He knew Isaiah well - he had the whole book memorised. Most of it depicted events that Remiel had taken part in and wasn't exactly proud of. Like Sennacherib in Assyra and the death of 185,000 men overnight. Was she trying to remind him of his strength? How he had survived that? How he had once been so powerful and almighty and yet so blinded by faith that he had felt good. He looked at her and swallowed, trying to regain a bit of moisture in his dry mouth. "I think," he whispered hesitantly. "I think you need to take a step back."
He understood her need to be close to him but it made him feel anxious. He had held her in his arms six days ago; limb and lifeless.  An image still burnt on the inside of his eyes. "Please." Her aura was too much. It demanded that he forgave himself for everything; and he didn't know if he was ready to do so.