Come find me

It had been weeks since she had gotten out, but she hadn’t truly felt safe. She had assured her mother she was alright, but had just needed to take a break from everything. Her manager still wrote her e-mails, offers with work that would take her anywhere in the world she would want. But then there was the thought of John. It was mostly late at night she thought about him, feeling like she had met someone that mattered, but scheduling a meeting wasn’t really an option. Donovan had stopped contacting her, so something good had come from being away at least. Lucille had told John few things about herself, keeping things mostly civil between the two of them, but that was what she had needed to stay sane in that bunker. It wasn’t that she hadn’t felt anything for him, but she was afraid it would be seen as Stockholm Sydrome. And maybe that was what it was, but she couldn’t care less. One of the things she had made her habit was going out to the small woods behind her mother’s house, walking or sometimes even flying. She had never been a huge fan of using her wings, but her mother had taught her how important such a thing could be in scary scenarios. She had decided to move further in to the woods today, feeling herself lost in her thoughts. She wasn’t really dressed for hiking, but the sun above was still hot through the many leaves.

Ever since Amethyst's demise and the three captives lucky escape, Ramsay had made sure to keep things low profile as he was sorting out things. John had mostly been keeping to himself, having to deal with both Wade and Ramsay promising how they'd find that banshee girl and make her suffer wasnt really something he wanted to listen to. Umbrella was still in the midst of rebuilding it's broken down facilities, but he couldnt wait for the time where they didnt have to sit around at Ramsay's anymore. He had gone out for a walk, Rayna being as busy as she was meant that he didnt need to spend the night at her place, giving him at least some sort of freedom - That he couldnt be anything else than thankful for. He was doing most things to keep her from taking Jamie away from his newly made family, he had a kid that needed him more than ever. John had given up his kid, hoping she'd get a better life than this - But he did wonder from time to time how life could have been different.
He had his hands in his pockets, just strolling under the trees, feeling the small rays of sun hit his dark hair from time to time. Another wonder he had was how well things were going for Lucille. Had she managed to get her life back up and running? He hoped so, even though he felt robbed of her company. Not that he felt that he had any right to keep her there, he didnt. He sighed deeply to himself, shaking his head as he continued his walk.

Lucille was in her own thoughts these days, almost just walking around in a daze, but she was always so aware when she felt danger near. She moved deeper into the woods, feeling just the need to. It wasn’t something she could explain, but her mother had always taught her that God worked in mysterious ways, that like Abraham and Isaac they couldn’t see the lamb being led up the other side of the mountain. She exhaled, closing her eyes and hearing the sounds of the forest, but that was when she heard movement. She stopped, opening her eyes to look around, but her hearing was better than most. For a second there was silence and then she saw the tall figure. Tears appeared in her eyes, because she knew that tall figure. She held her breath, not wanting to sob and listened if there were others around him. When she was sure she just ran to him, kicking off her shoes and just running barefoot until she reached him. Stopping herself infront of him, she looked up at John with wonder in her eyes, her breath out of control and that was when she swung her arms around him. She found herself sobbing into his chest, hugging him close. They had rarely touched in the bunker, well besides her small touches of his cheek and hands, but she had found that more safe then ”John,” she exhaled against his chest between her sobs. She had been worried, worried that he would be hurt or not allowed to do anything but stay in that bunker. She had had nightmares about him getting tortured, trying to get information out about her.

The last thing he expected was to meet her on this stroll. He had had these strolls for quite a while, at first in the hopes of actually stumbling into her - Only that he hadnt thought that the last place she'd be was close to the place that had imprisoned her for so long. His thought bounced a little back and forth between things, past and present, the what-ifs that hadnt happened. He heard her approach and turned his head as they suddenly stood face to face. He turned to her rather slowly as his eyes carefully moved around her face, taking in a deep breath. She swung her arms around him and he quickly placed his around her slender frame, holding her close - He smelled her hair and didnt even know that he had missed it so dearly.
He lifted his head and looked at her as one hand moved up to her neck, making her feel his safe embrace as he felt his breath shake a little. John was typically good with women, but he had been caught off guard that he found himself searching for his words. He took in a deep breath and looked away for a bit as he clenched his jaw for just a second. "Why are you here?" he asked in a worried tone. Maybe a 'Hi, how are you?' or 'I never thought I would see you again, I'm so happy' would have been better, but John had become quite straightforward.

Lucille felt his large arms surround her in a tight embrace, making her whimper a bit as she had missed him. It was a strange relationship they had built the two of them, but she found so much comfort in him now as before. It gave her a sense of relief, having feared that it would have changed once she saw him again. She looked at him as he looked at her, closing her eyes slowly as she felt his hand against her neck. Lucille had never been shy with the guys approaching her, never been nervous about them touching her or anything, but his touch was so different. Different in a way she barely dared to explain. His words made her frown as she opened her eyes. She shook her head, looking down as she knew she should have probably run off to somewhere. ”I ask myself everyday why I’m here, can’t you ask me something different?” she said with a sad chuckle leaving her lips. Partly she knew why. She wanted to see him. Why was that so hard for her to just say? Admit that he had given her comfort in a place where she thought she was going to live the rest of her immortal life. She took a deep breath, looking up at him, cupping his face with her small fingers barely reaching the full lenght of his cheeks. ”I guess in some way I do have a death wish,” she said with a small chuckle, sniffling as she shook her head. She sounded stupid, but she couldn’t really help it.

Her words didnt really bring him much comfort as he realized she had been here more often than he had wanted her to, but she was right, of all the things he could ask her - That was the wrong one. "I'm sorry.." he said, making a short smile as he tried to soften up his worried expression. "I just... fuck... I worry about you, Lucille," he answered in a rather low tone as he looked at her. Even though he had hoped to meet her here, what would have happened had it been Wade or Ramsay instead? He didnt even dare think of it, knowing it would make him furious. She cupped his face and he looked at her with his worry only growing. Where they safe here? What if someone saw them? Her words made him gulp as he grabbed her wrists firmly, "You shouldnt, not after all you've been through," he said shaking his head a bit as he looked into her eyes. He wanted to comfort her, talk things through but not here of all places. "I have somewhere we can go," he mumbled as he gave her wrists a soft squeeze as he didnt want to just pull them off his face. He placed one hand in hers if she removed them, taking a deep breath as he remembered the last time he took her somewhere, how he had just pushed and pulled at her. He looked at her and gave her hand a soft squeeze to signal that he would lead the way but only if she walked at free will.

She shook her head. He might be sorry for a lot of things, but she had chosen to forgive him. Maybe it was wrong to do so, but part of her knew it was the circumstances making him this way. He worried about her? She smiled sadly at him, because she worried about him. It wasn’t that he couldn’t defend himself, but she wasn’t good at dealing with pain herself. Shouldn’t? She scoffed a bit, looking into his warm brown eyes. ”I know I shouldn’t,” she said with a sigh, feeling his fingers around her wrists. His words as well as the squeeze of her wrists just made her nod, letting her hands fall down. He caught one of them, and she felt her hand so small in his. She moved with him, not really knowing why, because he could so easily take her back to that horrid bunker. Walking beside him felt better than him pushing her, that was for sure, but Lucille had always been good at looking at things from different angles. Maybe not in the moment as she was sometimes too stubborn, but she had had some time to think about everything. Think how the different things had made her feel. Weighing the good and the bad. As she walked, she felt weirdly safe, maybe safer than she was alone. ”It’s nice – you not pushing me,” she said, sniffling a bit as she still felt the emotions in her body.

"I didnt really want to back then... I just didnt have a choice," he said, flashing a short smile as he glanced at her. He found it a bit bittersweet to think of the past, but considering that the rest of his memories regarding Umbrella just were pure bitterness, a little sweet wasnt so bad. He kept walking, matching her pace as he held on to her soft little hand, he moved his eyes back ahead. "Or I did actually have a choice, I was just an idiot. I never got to apologize for it. And I do want to apologize for all of it," he said, biting back on his lips for a bit before he continued, "What I really could and should have done was just let you move on, I would have been the only one seeing you move past that alley," he felt his voice a little thick as he couldnt help but feel like he should have shut his mouth. But it was what he had come to feel, stronger day by day the more he saw her down in that underground facility. "You would have been safe with your mom, going on about your life," he moved his face to look into her eyes, shifting between them as he had this sad look in his, "I feel like I've ruined something for you on that night and the weeks to follow," he admitted as he then looked away and down, the skin around his eyes tightened a little in shame.

Lucille shook her head, giving his hand a squeeze as they walked. ”I’ve made peace with it,” she said in a sincere but silent voice. Her mother was fairly religious, so she was in a way too. Not in a ’Jesus take the wheel’ kind off way, but in a way that she believed things happened for a reason. ”If I cannot forgive, then I am no better than Ramsay or Wade,” she said in a bittersweet voice. Of course the thought of revenge had brewed in her, but if everyone took an eye for an eye, the whole world would be blind. She looked at his warm brown eyes, seeing the worry in them and she was sure that her blue reflected that worry quite well. She felt the need to comfort him, running her slender thumb along the backside of his hand as they walked. This was the longest they had ever touched each other, and she found herself awfully aware of that fact. There had never been anything between them, not that she had picked up on, but she had so much compassion towards him. He was a guy pushed into a corner, trying his best and she recognized it, because she had felt trapped when she was with Donovan. She knew he hadn’t liked it when she had spoken of God, and maybe it was because he was a demon, she couldn’t be sure. ”Life works in mysterious ways, and fate or God or whatever you want to call it is something ever changing – If you hadn’t taken me, would I have ever met as kind of a demon as you?” she asked, knowing she probably woundn’t have. [/color]

She spoke of forgiveness and it made John frown a little as he thought about it. Choosing not to forgive someone didnt seem like it would make her just as bad as them, not people like Wade and Ramsay. He exhaled deeply and chose to just nod, even though it was clear that he didnt see it that way. But good and bad was a weird measurement for John, as he mostly found himself on some middle ground, trying not to go too dark or too good.
"I'd prefer if it worked in more simple ways," he said with a half smile, frowning slightly, "I'm not kind," he added, moving his eyes away from hers and ahead, there was shame to be found in his expression, only that he didnt really want her to see it. He took in a deep breath and closed his eyes shortly, knowing they would be there soon. Trees became small houses and small houses became apartments. John pulled out a set of keys, ever since he got the shameful look on his face, he had been awfully quiet. Her calling him a kind demon was just something that gave him a bittersweet taste in his mouth.
He opened a front door that led to a staircase to some apartments, holding the door for her as he walked in after. He kept holding her hand, maybe a little tighter as they got in, swallowing hard as he looked up the stairs. He hadnt been here in forever and he had never thought he would be. He moved up the stairs, each step seemingly heavier than the next. On the second floor a nameplate was attached JOCELYN PARKER it said. John didnt even look at it as he opened the front door and held it for her. The apartment had a sweet smell even though it was clear that the person residing here hadnt been here for a long time. He closed the door and stood for a while as he just looked at the keys in his hands before he looked at Lucille. "This place. Is exactly the reason why I'm not a kind demon," he said as he placed the keys on a plate near the door walking into the apartment as he walked over to a picture in the window. He picked it up. It was a picture of a girl on his back, both of them laughing. He placed the picture back and felt his eyes getting a little watery, so he blinked it away.

At times Lucille wished she could read minds. Hear what he was really thinking and not just the things that got filtered and left his lips. She exhaled, shaking her head as he said he wasn’t kind. It depended on who he asked, she guessed, but he had shown her mercy, and even if what had transpired wasn’t ideal, she still felt that the plan set in motion by fate was still running it’s course. She followed him, moving into the apartment and ascending the stairs with him. The way he held on to her hand was like nothing she had felt before. Was the demon scared? She couldn’t really tell, but she followed him, briefly reading the name on the door before they stepped in. The dust laid like a fine blanket covering the furniture and every small framed picture. His gaze wandered to the keys in his hands, explaining that this place was the origin of his evil. At least that was what she gathered from his words. She let him have a bit of peace, not wanting to jump at him with questions. She could sense the pain that had been here, feeling like she heard so many voices and yet it was deadly quiet. Lucille joined him, looking at the picture he had placed down, running her finger over the dusted glass, showing more of the image. He looked so different in the picture than what he did standing in the room next to her. ”John,” she said as she felt herself a little dizzy, but it was usually because of the spirits often lingering in apartment buildings. She leaned against one of the dusty furnitures, placing a hand on her forehead as she tried to ignore all the voices for a small while. She wanted to be in the moment with John, but ever since staying at the graveyard it had been harder to just shut them off. ”What happened here?” she whispered, but she already had a feeling of what had happened. What had made John see himself as nothing worth of kindness.

He didnt look at her while she was inspecting the picture he had placed down, frankly just looking at it made him feel like wrecking the apartment right where he stood. Which he would have either way, had he been the John he was a year ago, the John on that picture with his sister on his back. But he believed that part of him to be gone, it died when he broke his own vow on keeping his family safe, when he strangled the life out of his sister like she had been a stranger to him. He felt his head spin a little at the sudden rush of memories coursing through his head and he made himself sit on the armrest of the couch as he rubbed his temple with his palm. He looked up at Lucille as she called his name, scrunching his brows in shame as he looked down and sighed deeply.
Her whisper made him realize that he wasnt deserving of his own self pity, he had done this to himself, the torment he felt had been at his own hands. He got up from the armrest, feeling more in control of himself as he grabbed her arm as she looked distressed. He looked around with eyes numbed from pain before he looked back at her, "This was my sister's apartment. I wasnt here so often, but neither was she," he explained as he moved his eyes to the living room. "After Umbrella fell, she was hurt from being shot. She fled back to here, hoping she could survive if she got behind these safe four walls," he explained further as he made sure that Lucille didnt lose her footing, looking around the small apartment. He looked back at the banshee. "I came here knowing she would be here. Seeing her lie here on the floor, bleeding out. I couldnt let it happen," he then said as he looked at the spot where his sister had been. "Her last words to me where: This person you've become. That isnt my brother. You've fallen too far this time John," he then said as he looked back at Lucille and couldnt even bring himself to sigh, that was how numb he felt being here.  

Lucille felt frozen as John started speaking, feeling him hold her on her feet. She felt dizzy still, felt like she was going to pass out as she could imagine the horrible thing that had happened in here. She couldn’t bring herself to interrupt, mostly because she felt like she was going to throw up. She moved out of his grip, stumbling a bit backwards as her eyes looked at him. She wasn’t scared of John, she was scared of what he was capable of. ”You killed her,” she mumbled, frowning as she realised what she was saying. What had happened here should never have happened. It was wrong, so wrong to end another life, and then for it to be ones own flesh and blood. Lucille felt her hands shake, her eyes looking away from John to collect her thoughts, however it didn’t help. She felt lost, scared on John’s behalf. ”You should have killed me too,” she whispered, trembling at her own words. She knew it was not wise to be here, but worst of all she still couldn’t see John as he spoke of himself.

He looked to her at her whisper, his face filled with anguish as it wasnt just as simple as that. "Yes. I should have killed you too," he agreed with her as he stepped closer to her. It could seem like he was contemplating whether to do it now, it was just a matter of how much she thought she knew or trusted him. If she were to flinch, he'd blink a few times with a slight frown over his eyes, but he couldnt really blame her if she did - He hadnt proven to be the most predictable at times. "I'm tired of hurting people," he said in a defeated tone as he stepped away from her to sit down on the sofa. He leaned down to place his elbows on his knees while his hands rubbed his eyes as he groaned. "I can free you. From Ramsay and all that, so you never have to think about it ever again," he then said as he glanced up at her with sad eyes. Part of him didnt want to offer her the freedom as he hadnt had company that he actually enjoyed being in for a long time - And now he was going to throw it away? "He may be mad about the escape, but if there's something he loves.. It's torment. I make an offer for your freedom," he said as he shrugged. He wasnt going to mention what the offer was going to be, he just wanted to throw out that she could be free from it all. He rose from the couch as he made a sad expression for just a moment, "I've done too many wrongs. Let me make this one right," he said in almost a beg as he shifted between her eyes.

It was like hearing without really listening, like seeing something but not being able to reach out and touch it. Lucille felt lost, felt like she needed to clear her head of all of the clutter that seemed to accumulate in her mind. His suggestion made her freeze before she started to shake her head. "No ... Absolutely not," she said, keeping her head shaking. She stepped closer as he sat on the sofa, grabbing his hand as she looked at his face, her other seeking his cheek. The banshee had inherited her mother's kindness, but her father's ruthlessness in many ways. She refused to let him play himself into a trap. "John, everyone has a chance at redemption - but I am not letting you be a martyr," she said in a sweet voice, stroking his cheek with her thumb. She had never been shy of touching him, even now when she felt scared, she felt safe with him. Honestly she hadn't given love a lot of thought ever since splitting with Donovan, mostly because she had felt too broken. But John had helped her remind herself that she was deserving of goodness despite the pain she had been put through. "Ask and thou shalt receive," she said in a low voice, feeling her heart beat away in her chest. "If you ask for forgiveness, if you show how much you repent, then I am sure you will find that silver lining you long for," she said, removing her hand from his cheek, but she couldn't find it in herself to remove the hand holding his. She cared for him in many ways, despite knowing very little about him. It was an instinct in her, the want and need to help, but much more it was the fact she couldn't bear to see him hurting. Could she really claim to take away his pain? Probably not, but she had seen him smile more often when she was around, and that had to mean something, right?

"Even if you cannot get the forgiveness, there is no need to deny yourself of anything that could soothe you," she said, but she knew she was practically doing that herself. She longed for someone to share her life with, even for a while, but she didn't know what to look for in someone else. Even if she saw what John had done as despicable, she couldn't believe she had any right to judge him. People did things they never wished for when they were in dire situations. She would've never used her scream to make people pass out, but she had done that before escaping Ramsay. Hearing him speak of being trapped by Umbrella, hearing the hurt in his voice. Her eyes were wider as she watched him kiss her hand. He had done that a million times, but now it felt like her heart was fluttering. "Nothing is going to happen to me, I'm a surviver," she promised as he felt silent. She sat down in front of him on her knees, still holding his hand as she searched for his eyes. She wanted to comfort him, wanted him to know that she could not blame him for something he had done. "I am not letting you punish yourself just because you think it would make me happy," she said in a soft voice, looking at him with worried furrowed brows. "John, you make me happy, and seeing you hurt or sacrifice yourself is going to make me miserable," Lucille said. She didn't want to be the reason, become some bitter regret down the line that he gave up his own freedom for her.