I dreamed a dream (cw)

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Jamie had not been himself lately. Only once in a while, you would see his true self appear in his eyes. Hell was not a nice place. He should have known. But he wanted to go to help his friends, just as he knew they would for him. Apparently, some bad people had found an interest in him, and he was constantly looking over his shoulder, awaiting another attack. He was walking through the streets. He didn’t pay any attention to what happened around him. He was in his own head, his own thoughts. A voice made him stop. ”Mondie?” He just stood there in the middle of people passing him by. He swallowed. He knew Raymond was still alive in this time. But he hadn’t sought him out. It was not his Raymond. This Raymond didn’t know him, he hadn’t experienced all they had together. But this Raymond was alive. Jamie was not strong enough to keep away from him. He didn’t care if it messed up time. He just had to see him. He walked to the crowd surrounding him. This was different than what he had seen before. It reminded Jamie of the times Raymond had put on a private concert for him. He smiled throughout the whole song. Right until he tasted blood. He turned away from the crowd and touched his cheek. He was surprised to see the watered-out tears of blood on his fingertips. He quickly wiped away the tears from his face and took in a deep breath before turning to Raymond. He couldn’t decide if he should go to him or let this be his last memory of him. He pulled forward his wallet and pulled forward ten pounds. He went over to Raymond. ”You’re really talented,” he said and gave him the money.

Raymond had once told him how he played the street to get enough money to attend the school. Jamie had always told him he would have come by every day to tip him generously if he had been around. Now he was. Jamie first felt a warm spread through him by his smile. He had missed his smile so much. Then came the realization that the smile didn’t have the same feelings behind it like it used to. He held his breath when he let his thumb stroke across his cheek. He didn’t need to breathe, but he exhaled when he removed his finger anyway. Jamie just kept looking at him until he turned away. He took that moment to let his emotions flood over him. Maybe this was too much for him. Could he deal with this on top of everything else? It was not every day you met an ex-boyfriend who died and now doesn’t remember you. Jamie regained some of his collected composure when Raymond looked at him again. ”Who doesn’t?” He smiled, but he was terrible at hiding his emotions. There was a lot of other emotions hidden in his eyes. He couldn’t figure them out himself, so he didn’t expect anyone else to either. Jamie took his hand and gave it a quick shake before letting it go again. ”Jamie. You can call me.. Jamie,” he set and let an awkward laughter leave his lips. ”I’m sorry. You just remind me of someone I used to know.”

Jamie couldn’t keep his eyes off him. He tried so hard to act normal, but he knew so much about this man, who knew nothing about him. How was he expected to add normal? He simply wasn’t, it was himself expecting things. He smiled when he called him handsome. ”I guess I was lucky,” he said and nodded when he asked if it was a good thing. ”Very good actually.” He followed him towards a café. He watched his every move. How he removed his hair, closed his eyes to soak up the sun. Jamie sat down at the table with his coffee. His expression changed for a split second when Raymond asked for sugar. An expression of worry rolled across his face and disappeared just as quickly again. ”Stressed?” He asked without much thought. When he realized drinking coffee with sugar when stressed was very much a Raymond thing, rather than a people thing, he drank some of the coffee, hoping he wouldn’t comment on it further. ”What’s so special about me then?” He asked and let his finger run over the edge of the cup. He shrugged slightly at his question. ”Honestly I don’t know anymore. I came here to be with my friends, but lately it seems like we are so caught up in our individual things, we don’t have time for each other anymore.” He took another sip of coffee. ”What about you?” He asked, even though he already knew. He had to pretend he didn’t know this man in front of him. It was not easy, considering he had been the first person Jamie had ever loved. He knew so many things about him, acting like he didn’t was strange.

Jamie was relieved when Raymond didn’t ask questions of Jamie’s knowledge, but instead went on to explain why. ”I can only imagine,” he said and wondered if he could find a reason to give Raymond some more money. Jamie’s jaw tightened when he explained why he had invited him for coffee. ”I appreciate it, thank you.” He just listened to Raymond’s voice. It made him think of so many of their memories. He had never expected to see him again. Now when he was, he was wondering if it was a gift or a curse. ”I’m not one to spread fake optimism, but I can honestly say I believe you will make it.” He leaned back in the chair when he asked a question. Why were his friends constantly in danger? He wished he knew. ”We have a way of attracting dangerous people, I suppose.” Jamie turned his gaze to the ground. ”Many of us had lost someone because of it. You remind me of someone I lost.” He could feel his stomach was turning into knots just talking about it. He couldn’t give any details, but Raymond was right. He needed to talk to someone, but not a stranger. All he needed was to talk his dead boyfriend. ”I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to bring up such a dark topic.” He let his gaze meet Raymond’s gaze. He had always liked his eyes. They were unique unlike anything he had ever seen.

Jamie was afraid he had made a mistake making contact. Fox would definitely tell him he had. But he was not the only one treading on dangerous ground. Numerous of his friend had made contact with their parents. He was allowed to spend time with Raymond. He took another sip of the coffee. ”Thank you,” he said. He felt a sadness rush over him when Raymond placed his hand on Jamie’s. It was a friendly gesture for Raymond. To Jamie, it just reminded him it was not the same for Raymond as it was for him. ”You’re right. I guess I’m just trying to make a good first impression.” He was tempted to grab his hand and stroke it, but he just kept having it lay still under Mondie’s. ”It might be a little strange, but I have been looking for someone to attend a cooking class with me. It’s for parings of two. As I said, my friends are a little preoccupied.” His eyes lit up by the thought of cooking. It always made him feel better. It was a way for him to follow a plan, but still have some creative freedom. It’s a weird request, I know,”

It was nice to know Raymond didn’t feel the first impression was final. But then again, Jamie already knew that. At least he wasn’t like that or isn’t going to be. He was giving himself a headache with all this time travel. ”Then I don’t have to try so hard,” he said. Although he was just being himself most of the time, he was not feeling himself completely right now. Jamie forgot about the hand. It was such a natural feeling for him, he didn’t mind it one bit. Jamie had tried and talk his friends into doing the class with him, but most of them seemed busy with something else. He might have been able to convince Anastasia to do it, but he didn’t want to take away from Jasper. He knew how happy she had been when he came back to her. He tried to be happy for her, but he mostly just felt sad. He had so desperately wanted for Raymond to return. He cared a lot about Serenity, and his feelings for Jasmine was complicated, but Raymond had been special. He had been so many of Jamie’s firsts. ”It’s going to be great. I promise,” he pulled forward his phone to find the website he had seen it on. His gaze fell to his again. ”I don’t see why not,” he said. If you have to date someone, why not choose your dead boyfriend? I just seemed logically. Jamie might have to make a decision soon about who he wanted to be with. At the moment he was most serious with Serenity, and he didn’t want that too stop, but he had just been through some things that made him question whether he could even be in a relationship right now. He was just keeping his options open for now. He put his phone away again, he wanted to pay attention to Raymond. ”I believe time is complicated. Your tomorrow can be my yesterday,” he argued. ”What’s on your mind?” He asked.

Jamie felt a small smile develop on his lips when he saw Raymond move the cup around. He had seen similar behavior so many times. His smile fainted by his next words. He looked away when he talked about falling in love and die. Was that how it was always going to end for them? They would fall in love and he would die? How was that fair? He could have sworn he felt his heart beat he knew it was just something he imagined. But he was so uncomfortable right now. Raymond had never spoken of this before. If he was scared of dying, why had he kept seeing him? The description just made him feel even worse. He hadn’t even realized his hand moving to the edge of the table and grabbing it firmly. He had to calm down. He couldn’t let it show how right Raymond’s aunt had been. He released the table and folded his hands in his lab instead. ”I suppose predictions are not always correct,” he said and locked gazes with Raymond. ”Sometimes they are. Maybe it would be best to stay away from men with green eyes and brown hair,” he suggested. Did he want to sacrifice his relationship with Raymond? Not one bit, but he would do it if it meant he could live. He wasn’t sure if he should keep hanging out with him. His aunt had been right once, if they kept hanging out, there was a chance he would die before he was supposed to. ”It would be a sad fate to die just because you fell in love with the wrong person.”

Jamie wouldn’t be able to deal with such a knowledge. He would have avoided too much of life. That’s why Raymond had been good for him. He had shown him an optimistic way to life instead of Jamie’s rather pessimistic view of life. Of course he had just grown more pessimistic after Raymond died. ”So in reality you are just as lost as the rest of us?” He asked with a small smile. It grew when he grabbed his hand. ”If you are crazy, so am I. There is a connection,” he admitted. He listened as he talked about love in such a poetic manner. ”Ever the optimistic,” he said quietly. He could agree to his philosophy on regrets. Jamie regretted many things, but he would rather regret haven done it, than regret haven’t. ”I agree.” His smile turned warmer when Raymond payed way more than necessary. He looked up at Raymond as he asked a question. ”Why choose? I can multitask,” he stood up as well and walked to his side. ”The class starts in an hour. What do you want to do until then, Mondie?” Yet another thing he shouldn’t have done. He cleared his throat, attempting to play it cool.

Jamie let a surprised laugh leave his lips. He had not expected that answer. Jamie was so used to the jolt of electricity he felt going through his body when Raymond touched him. He welcomed them anytime. He nodded to his words. ”That is very true,” he said and walked down the street with him. Jamie was so afraid he did or said something that would alert Raymond that he was not just a stranger, that he knew him almost better than he knew himself. He chuckled to himself when Raymond suggested they got to know each other better. ”Sounds like a plan,” he said and swallowed when he heard his heart beat. Jamie never meant to listen to people’s bodies. Sometimes his senses acted on their own, because he was so focused on the person. ”I have trouble believing that. You have made me forget some things today. I needed someone to talk on my terms. I love my friends, but they want us all to be okay all the time, so I sometimes feel like I have to talk to make them happy. If that even makes sense.” He said and looked at nothing for a moment. He had isolated himself after the trip to hell for a little while. He didn’t want to talk to anybody, he just wanted to process anything alone. Eventually he let some people in, and now he was feeling better. But better was far okay. ”Is there anything else to life?” He asked with a cheeky smile. ”I am the personal cook of my friends. I love to make ingredients into something else. I also pride myself with having a good sense of fashion. I like to give makeovers. And my friends take up so much of my time. I don’t mind spending time with them, but the activities are not always ideal,” he said. Jamie realized he had not spoken such a long sentence for a week. Get him talking about himself, and he couldn’t shut up. It made him feel like himself again for a small moment.

Jamie was happy for his daylight ring. It would be hard to never go outside, to never feel the sun on his face. It didn’t warm him up like so many else, but it was still nice. He felt like he was talking a lot, but Raymond didn’t seem to mind. Of course, he didn’t. ”I know they mean good. I just don’t deal with things like they do.” He had told Raymond of his excessive thoughts before, but he constantly had to remind himself this was not his Raymond. His words felt so much like Raymond it almost hurt. ”They know that, I think we all try to cause happiness in each other, so we don’t have to feel the pain ourselves,” Jamie enjoyed airing his thoughts. He kept most of them inside, only sharing them with a select few. Raymond had been one of them from day one. He realized he stopped and turned to him. He let a short chuckle leave his lips when he compared him to Narcissus. ”Sometimes I wish so. Falling in love with your own reflection means you have a reason to stare at yourself,” he said with a smile. He was sometimes perceived as vain, but he was a lot deeper than his first impression often showed. He smiled a little by his words. ”Everything that is lost, can be found again,” he said and felt himself stare at Raymond a little too long, before he forced his gaze away. He had been shocked at first, but now it was beginning to hit him how much he had missed him, and how much he wanted to continue where they had left it. He knew it wasn’t possible, but it was a desire of his nonetheless.

Jamie loved his friends for trying to help him, to make him feel better, but one of the many things Jamie liked about Raymond was that he didn’t try to make him feel better, until he was ready to. He allowed him to feel whatever he needed to feel without any expectations. He had always felt he could be completely himself with him. He was right. You didn’t have to suffer, that was something you chose. Jamie chose that too often. His gaze moved back to him and a smile rushed to his lips. ”We all have a choice, don’t we?” He scratched his jaw and folded his hands in front of him. He felt out of place to say the least. His ex-boyfriend was hitting on him. Needless to say, Jamie was interested in him, but was it a little to risky even spending time with him? Could that affect their future together? His friend’s futures? He wasn’t exactly an expert on time travel, but there had to be rules, and he was pretty sure he was breaking one of them right now. He chuckled at his words. ”Only one way to find out,” he took half a step closer. ”Take a good look,” he said with an inviting look in his eyes and a matching smile.

Jamie tried to stay calm. He tried to not let Raymond’s studying look affect him. It didn’t work. His body was craving him. Standing this close to him make his body ache for his touch. He allowed himself to do a little studying himself. He started with the curly hair. He was longing to let his hand move through it, he imagined himself removing the locks from his face before kissing him. He let his focus move to his eyes. Standing this close, he could see the brown pecks in the grey colored iris. Lastly, he looked at his lips. A rush went through his body, remembering how they felt. He shouldn’t have allowed himself to see all of that. He felt an emptiness spread inside him. An emptiness he had attempted to fill with a lot of different things. He wasn’t sure if the hole would ever be filled again. It almost seemed like slow motion when Raymond reached forward and let his fingers grab hold of his chin. Bolts of electricity felt to rush through his body. Their hand holding back at the café had been friendly, and although it had affected more than it should considering they were technically strangers, this was something else entirely. The nature behind the touch was different, and he felt it so strongly. His voice made Jamie shiver slightly. That raspy sound was so incredibly sexy. The next words made his mind race. You could see it in his eyes. He wanted it so badly. Every part of him wished to have Raymond close again, but who knew what the consequences would be. He couldn’t make a decision. ”Kiss me if you want. You don’t need permission.” He bit his lower lip longingly. He tried to rationalize this. He had not guided Raymond in any direction, simply said he was free to do whatever he wanted. He just needed it to be okay.