Too much history

Dedicated to  @Clay

DATE | 13th of September 2021
TIME | Evening
WEATHER | Pouring down
PLACE | Outside the Hospital
ATTIRE | outfit + a Yellow umbrella

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It had been over a month since she had come back to Gaia. A month since she had started this insane quest trying to get Clayton back. She knew it was selfish and she should just let him go, that if she really loved him. Then there would be no excuse in trying to pull him back to her. Because what she had done, had been so horrible selfish. Nothing could justify, not even her traumas that she at last was working on. Finally looking her demons in the eyes and denying the darkness to define her completely even though it wanted to. Trying to still be a good person after the darkness had lured her into its promise of being powerful. The worst thing about it, she didn’t even remember why she had taken it or let herself consume by it. But she knew that after she had found Clay, she had used every day in not letting it define her like it did other dark fairies. And now she had gone and thrown it at all away.

After she had shown up at his place unannounced. Clearly very unwanted too, she had apologized and promised that she would keep her distance. But she hadn’t been able to get him out of her mind, and she just needed on last chat the last push where he told her just to leave him the hell alone. Because he had never done that, not even when the beautiful girl, Nia was it? Had told him that she thought they should talk things out and then left. She had seen the love in his eyes watching her go. And she had felt the pain form in her own chest. How foolish she had been.

She could feel his aura as he stepped out of the hospital. She very carefully walked over to him. “Hi Clay” she said with a low voice giving him a pain smile as she hugged the umbrella between her hands. “I’m sorry showing up like this, again” she tried to explain and took in a deep breath “Can we talk, one last time? Please?” she asked biting down her lip. Maybe it was the history they had between them that was so hard to let go. Just how much she had, and still did love him. She truly didn’t deserve a second chance. But still she was here, almost on her begging knees for him to take her back.

Clay couldn't even begin to explain how all over the place he was. Drowning himself in more and more work just to simply escape the fact that both his former wives were in town having two different problems going on. Danica was different though, it wasn't because she was here to get him back or anything, or wanted to admit she needed or could need him. Josephine on the other hand, damn, it was like stepping into this roller-coaster and it just didn't stop again. He had no idea when the ride would be over, and he just wished she would go again.

He had just finished his shift, and was on his way out of the hospital. Bloody hell, it was raining. At least living in Brisbane it would have been spring now and not entering autumn. Clayton breathed out by the sad whether that had been today. His eyes moved to the movement, as she walked closer to him. What on earth was she doing here? Clay thought he had made himself very clear last time he saw her. "You have from here to my car," he announced without much mimic to his face, then he started walking towards the parking lot, not really caring for the rain anymore. "Start talking," he sighed a bit looking over her very briefly.

It was not easy. He didn't have it easy acting so stoic around her, but she had broken his heart, ripped it right out of his chest - so why was he to give her any more chances to do so? She almost begged him while cars seemed to be in his favor trying to slow her down. He didn't stop. He wanted to go home. Clay just wanted to escape away from this circle of bad memories and loss. Then she grabbed his hand, making him turn around just as she dropped a bomb; I was pregnant. He pressed his brows together, conflicted, confused by the information that was repeated to him. Pregnant in Iraq, with his child? He held his breath, not saying anything. He didn't have any words to say. Clay just starred her with the same deadpan look, but he was processing everything, his emotions weren't just never really having it easy finding way to his face. Clay could feel how his jaw slowly got more tense and he kept on holding his breath, finding it hard to get the air out again. I was never about you. He snorted a bit, the first real sign of he actually had been listening to what she had said. "I'm glad you are getting help," he finally spoke, not really knowing how he should act around her. "Because-" he was about to say something, but it was the sign of the small tears threatening to escape her eyes that reflected from the lamppost that made him take a deeper breath in. He looked away for a short moment and clicked his tongue.

"I don't know what you want from me," he looked back at her as he took another and deeper breath in. He had moved away, he had moved on, started a new chapter of his life here without her - and yet she haunted him here like a blast from the past he couldn't escape.

Was there really no way that she could make this right again? No way to heal what she had broken? Was she really so selfish that she couldn’t let him go? Yes, apparently, she was because she couldn’t. He had been the brightest star in her life, the love that would overrule every love that would come into her life and be challenged what she had with him. Only knowing that she had destroyed it, so why would she ever deserve experience it again. When his words hit her, that he didn’t know what she wanted from him. It was like someone tore at her heart. The feeling of sadness and grief that plunged down her body. A small gasp left her, trying to keep her emotions at bay. But where he had always been so good at hiding what he was feeling, she could never do that from him. Which had been the reason why he had known something was off back at the time.

“I –“ she tried, seeing that they had reached the end of the road. His car. Which also meant the end of the time she could try to convince him. She looked at him, feeling how coldness grab her body, while her fingers grasped tightly around the umbrella in her hands. “I want what we had back, I want you back in my life, and I want what happened to never have happened – and most of all, I wished I had never hurt you” she got out, even though every word hurt her if someone was physically hitting her. “Thank you, for the best time of my life, and I’m sorry I made it one of the worst times of yours” she whispered letting one of her arms glide around her body holding it tight. As if it was the only thing keeping her from falling apart.

It wasn't because he just stopped caring, or stopped thinking about her. But the pain and the conflicts she had brought over his shoulders, with such massive weight that he had felt like she had been choking him. He hadn't been able to breathe till she was gone. So, having her back here was making it hard for him to catch his breath and he had to keep himself straight not to fall into a trap. He was done, he had left. Why was it so hard for her to just leave him alone? Clay held her breath as she finally spoke, saying she wanted what they had back. Wanted him back in her life. Clay found himself holding his breath, unable to figure out what to do with those words. It was too late. The damage was done, you couldn't fix a broken glass even with all the pieces, it would never be the same. There was no trust. The hybrid grinded his teeth, about to part his lips to make a statement, when she once again spoke. She looked so fragile, trapped at a breaking point, where he knew that he was a lifeboat. But did he want to be her lifeboat? "Just because of how things ended doesn't mean everything was the worst," he pointed out taking a smaller breath in. He wasn't ready to forgive her, "when was the last time you had a proper meal and a good night sleep?" He then asked, because, yes he still cared.

Clay took a deeper breath in as if he was trying to figure out what to do. "Get in the car, you can sleep at my place tonight, I have a guest room," he nodded towards the car and walked over to open the door, gesturing her to get in.

She was ready to watch him drive away, knowing that this would be the last time for her to see him. Because she had promised this time, and she was going to keep that promise. It was her time to let go and face the pain she had been the cause of. Not that it made it any easier, no one talked about the person being the course of the bad. How they also suffered because, especially since it hadn’t been with a malice heart that things had happened. But because she hadn’t been strong enough, because she hadn’t seen what was happening before it had been too late. Not saying that what had transpired was alright.

Her eyes flew up as he asked when it had been the last time she had eaten or slept. She couldn’t remember, her knuckles because white as it was almost overwhelming how sweet he was to her. Something she didn’t deserve, but also craved. It was like she was in constant war with herself; leave him along, beg him to take you back.

Contemplating about telling him no, she watched how he opened the door gesturing to get in. After a few breaths she walked over, closed her umbrella felt how the drops of rain attacked her before she got inside the car and looked out the drenched front window. Her eyes followed Clay as he walked around and sat beside her. She had to take a deep breath before fastening her seatbelt. It took every ounce of will not break down right there and then. His kindness that she didn’t deserve, knowing it would only make it so much harder to move on. Because how could she, when he kept showing her just how much better than he was than her? She wanted to tell him that his kind heart would be the death of him, that he should have left her in the rain and driven away. But no words left her. Her hands placed in her lap folded together almost hurting herself as she pressed her nails into the palms.