I don't look that different, do I?

Dedicated to  @Tien

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It had been two months since she had been forced to stop her drug use, going cold turkey. Occasionally she had had her bad days, sneaking around with her vices when Sebastian hadn’t had the time, only to get busted sooner or later. He just seemed to know everything. There was no way she could tell him a lie, because he always seemed to clue out what was right or wrong
But recently she had had a lot of good days. Things weren’t as tough as they had been, even though she had bought herself to coffees to keep up her energy and bought a sandwich just in case she didn’t want to make something herself.
She was on her way home from Sebastian after a night over at his place and she had been quite satisfied with the day so far. So, she approached the house on Raymond Street and with a little fiddling, she got her keys in her and unlocked and opened the door before she closed and locked it again. She didn’t want any unexpected guests. She heard how someone was working on some food in the kitchen and figured it might’ve been Talia. “It’s smells really good, ‘Lia. I got a spare coffee if-” she turned around the corner and saw a tall figure standing in the kitchen. She didn’t recognize the long hair, beard or the slim figure. Still with two coffees in one hand and her keys in the other, she put her hand with the keys forward as if she was going to defend herself with the keys, “Who the hell are you?” she said, only looking at the back of the dude.

The once not so tall younger brother had suddenly gotten quite tall, now that he lifted her up a little bit, making her laugh a little in the hug. How was it possible to miss someone this much? Maybe she had always missed him this much, but maybe the fact that she didn’t try and drown herself in drugs made it easier to actually feel emotions better. It was weird. Approximately two months clean, and things still felt so God damn weird to her. She was still so weak to the thought of drowning any feeling in drugs, so she could just live. But this was so nice; something no drug could replace. The happiness of a reunion of a missing brother.
He explained how he was feeling better, and how is back didn’t feel good in the position he was in, “Then straighten up!” she laughed. She could still reach his cheeks even though he stood fully straightened up, but she just let him take her hands away. It was okay, he was her brother after all. She let her eyes land on the breakfast as he wondered if she wanted some. She glanced up at Kemuel as he said that he believed aunties cooking skills had gotten better. “Yeah, she’s upped her game,” she said softly and slightly relaxed. She sat down on the nearest chair that he wouldn’t be sitting on. She grabbed his fork and took the bite that he was about to eat. She gave him back his fork with a satisfied sigh of the food and closed her eyes. “Mmmm,” she then swallowed the food, so it wouldn’t feel like it swell in her mouth. She took one of the coffees and handed it to Kemuel. “So, not that I really care, but I don’t see dad’s car anywhere. Did you drown him or something?” she wondered knowing quite well that he wasn’t fallen, so it wasn’t the case. Tien hadn’t been gone for long, so she suspected that he had either gotten home yesterday or today. She had so many questions and way too little time, that she quite frankly didn’t believe she would ever be able to get to the bottom of. He probably had some questions too, or maybe someone else filled him in while she was gone?

Tien chuckled with her mouth full as Kemuel told her to go get her own food, but it didn’t matter much right now to her. It was more important to her to catch up with him than to get her own plate. Besides, she didn’t eat that much lately. There was just something about the consistency to everything that felt wrong. She blamed it on being sober.
Mentioning their father seemed to stop the happy reunion. She furrowed her brows a little the way he stared somewhat blankly, and a little more when he said that Cael was probably losing his mind. It used to be Tien’s thing to call her parents for their first names, so he assumed that something had been quite terrible. To be fair, Kemuel hadn’t been able to grieve with his sisters, just like the others. Her eyes followed his motions as he grabbed the salt, and finally when he gave her a half smile. She mirrored the smile.
“Hey no, it’s okay,” she said and put a hand on his knee. “I can only imagine the horrors of being removed from everything you love, like…” she didn’t want to mention things that one of them had liked. Besides, the only thing she could relate to right now was how Sebastian had removed her drugs without a warning, and that had made her feel quite terrible. “And just when everything had went downhill and…” she continued and shook her head until she realized she might not be making the situation better. To be honest, she might just feel the same way about their father. She wasn’t happy about their father either, and she was pretty sure she would never be able to take him back into her life. She gave him a little push on the shoulder, “Come on, eat up,” she said, trying to cheer up the mood before she took her coffee and sipped on it.

He pulled his leg away, telling her to stop and it was clear that something was wrong. Had she said something? She could see that his mind was running away, and she immediately felt guilty and weak and backed of a little on her stool. She could almost feel how the mood in the whole room changed. She had tried to tell him that she could only imagine, not that she knew how he felt. She had stayed here, but she had been so God damn high, that she hadn’t noticed a thing. That had been a way for her to grieve. To escape.


Her whole body crippled for something to relax on and get far enough away from the problems around her, so the problems would solve themselves or simply just disappear when she got back down.
You could all have stopped it. Stopped what? She was confused and scared. Why was she scared of her own little brother? Because the way he talked to her pulled trauma up and smacked her in the face with it, like had it been accessible in her back pocket. Her heart felt heavier as he put more guilt on her. He had been blamed for everything, and there was nothing of this that was his reason. “Kem-” he cut her off telling her it was brutal. Her lip quivered and didn’t notice the aunt calling for his little brother nearby.
She felt like she was being choked and her eyes were burning from not being allowed to cry.
You even got to know that mom wasn’t gone. It had taken such a long time before she had actually realized that she hadn’t been hallucinating. How the hell should Tien had been able to do anything at all? She had had no possibility to know if what she experienced had been right or wrong. She had been fucking doped. He blamed her, and all the others for pushing Eden out of the house. And then he was gone. He had stormed upstairs, and Tien hadn’t noticed how she nervously had picked at her nails, how shallow her breathing was or how tense her muscles were. The door opened and in came Zadkiel, seeing how Kemuel stormed up the stairs. He could immediately feel how the tension in the whole house was thick enough to cut in.
Quickly Tien got up from the stool, resulting in it being knocked over “I have to make a call,” she whispered and started searching for her phone, before she stormed outside.
For a second, Zadkiel felt like he was split in three. Should he make sure Tien didn’t call bad company, ask Talia what was going on, or talk with Kemuel, who he hadn’t seen in forever.
He chose the latter. “I’ll check up on him,” he said. His left arm was still in cast, but hopefully it wouldn’t be for much longer before it would be taken off. He knocked on Kemuel’s door with his knuckle. “Hey Kem. It’s me, Zadkiel… Can I come in?” he asked and waited for a reply.

Before she had even gotten to the front yard, Tien had already tried to call Sebastian three times. Her dials didn’t come through. He was working, for Gods sake, what were you thinking? She wished to dial Aleks, but she didn’t even have his phonenumber, so she dialed what she would call her best friend; Nicole.
“Hey, hi – umh can I -” she screamed in fear and shock and jumped forward, from being completely occupied in her thoughts and her conversation that she hadn’t seen or heard Talia, but only felt her hand on her shoulder. Her mind had been spiraling and she had honestly thought that Judas was coming after her, so when she looked towards what had been grabbing her shoulder words spilled out of her mouth; “No, mom. I’m fine, I ju-”

She quited herself, looking shocked at her aunt, shaking her head a little. “Fuck this,” she sneered and looked like someone who was about to cry. She put her phone towards her ear again and passed Talia, heading inside again. “Nicole can you or your dad pick me up, please? I really need to get out,” she said to the phone and shortly after hung up.
____

Zadkiel could hear the groan from inside Kemuel’s room, which made him frown a little, but the door opened, and he was greeted…somewhat at least. He noticed that his own gaze was too low, and he had to redirect it. He had grown. “You too,” he said and tried to pull a little on a smile. He licked his lips a little. “Would you mind telling me what happened just now?” he asked and heard someone come storming in from the front door.

Tien was stomping her way upstairs, with an incredible speed, and when she got near Kemuel’s room, she took of her cap and threw it towards his brothers. “You’re the fucking worst,” she screamed and somewhat clumsily picked up her sandal to throw it after them. “You don’t know shit about how any of us are recovering,” she cried, her face completely red. She picked up her last sandal which she wanted to throw too. But she couldn’t. All of her throws had been weak and even if she aimed, she wasn’t even close to reach them. She stood with her hand raised in the air a little, as if she was ready to throw it, but slowly her arm buckled, and she covered her face. She didn’t want anyone’s embrace, she just wanted to go.

She had been sneaking out to meet with Ryan for a lovely totally by accident walk in the park. Not that her family minded her spending time with Ryan, it was the other way around, and she was so sick and tired of it. But she had gotten this feeling, this feeling almost making her sick and upset - so she had made an excuse  to get home. She got towards the drive way when she saw Tien storm inside and Talia look helplessly at her, "what the hell," she mumbled and walked faster towards the front door past Talia. Zadkiel was home, then why all the shouting? Tien and Kemuel. One thing she hadn't expected was the two of them to go off like bombs on each other. The clenching feeling in her chest by hearing Kemuel exploding, made her gently push Talia aside and run upstairs to see how Kemuel went into the room slamming the door, making her stop for a second and flinched. Then taking a deeper breath in, followed by a few steps ahead, looking at Zadkiel and Tien. "I got this," she looked to Zadkiel in hopes of him being able to calm Tien down. Then she headed towards the door her twin had slammed, closing her eyes to the sound of the scream.

Seraphina took a deeper breath in and walked closer to the door, giving it a few special knocks. Some people had their secret handshakes,  she had her knock. Which she mostly used when it was late and she just had wanted a twin cuddle if she had a bad dream - and he could use the other way around. "Hey Kem, I'm coming in, okay?" She took a deeper breath in before slowly opening the door and closing it behind her looking at him. "Hey." Seraphina took a few steps closer to him.

”Eggshells?” she hissed, not even looking at Zadkiel who was pushed out of the way. He was going to interrupt and try to split the siblings apart, but Kemuel was quick to tell him to stay out of it. It was tricky to figure out if it was right to stay out of it or not, because somehow he had a feeling that Kemuel needed to steam off, and somehow he wanted to make sure that Tien wasn’t pushed too close to bad coping mechanisms.
Kemuel started to yell at Tien, who seemingly just yelled all kinds of stuff back to him, not want to hear what her little brother had to say. “Oh, you don’t? Maybe it’s because you don’t have fucking eyes! What? I chose to ruin my life and make it everyone else’s problem? You gotta be kidding me. Do you really think I had any fucking choice getting addicted, huh? Did you think about that? Come, tell me what the fuck you know,” she screamed her last words, stepping quite close to her little brother. She wished to push him, pull his hair, and not give up. These kind of arguments was what she had dealt with for so God damn long but in her relationship, where she hadn’t dared to say a word, and with their father, where she had only done everything she could to piss him more off.
She let him speak his words, so he could tell her what he actually knew, but she wished to much that someone would’ve stopped him. Stopped her. Because all of what he said was correct. Seraphina had witnessed the murder of their mom together with her, and Tien had only managed to call Zadkiel before she couldn’t even stand on her legs – and Cecilia had told Cael, and then Cael took Kemuel. It was all her fault. If she hadn’t been so fucking influenced, she would’ve been able to stop it – but she just slept through it all. “I did everything I could,” she whispered and poked his chest with the sandal, “Everything!” she then yelled, her lip quivering a bit, ”But whatever I did just wasn’t good enough,” she whispered, “I am never enough!”. She had taken the drugs to keep herself ‘sane’ and because she had been ‘taught’ that it was an easy way to get away. It was so easy to crave it.

So he started to defend himself in how people was recovering. Zadkiel had Letha; as if that was going well. Seraphina had Ryan; as if is family allowed them to see each other. And Tien had Sebastian. Yeah, no, she couldn’t say anything about her and Sebastian, because it was only his work which blocked them from seeing each other. He yelled that none of them came to get him, but firstly, Tien had had so much on her own plate, that she couldn’t really put much more on it. She had asked for Kemuel but when things seemed to get difficult, and it seemed like Cael just took care of him, there hadn’t been much to do. He blamed her, once again, that what she had done to keep herself ‘sane’ had ben more important than to help her siblings. It hurt, because she understood, and she would forever blame herself from having ever met Judas, because he ruined her. He had ruined the perfect and collected girl – just like Laila. Tien compared herself more and more to Laila, how she was just doing show after show, now that she was in contact with Nicole’s father. “Fuck you,” she cursed and thew the sandal after him, but only to hit the slamming door.
Tien’s jaw was tense and looked from Zadkiel to Talia – and Seraphina who seemed to want to take care of Kemuel.

She shook her head a little, not really understanding how Kemuel could be so careless. She took a deeper breath in, “Can I be alone please?” she asked, only to get a shaking head from Zadkiel. “Oh, so you don’t trust me anymore, huh?” she said raising a judging hand towards Zadkiel, before she looked over at Talia, “Please go,” her voice was slightly shaken, looking back and forth from her aunt to her brother. She closed her eyes and felt how warm her head was, “Please just leave,” she whispered.

Her eyes glanced over the lamp on the floor and she took a deeper breath in, before letting the green eyes turn to Kemuel again. "I didn't say anything," she whispered and licked her lips a little. She had no idea what they had been arguing about, what things that was said. What she did know was he was frustrated and angry, which was the sole reason she was here right now. "You don't have to talk if you don't want to, and I'm not asking you to apologize, - But I'm here," she took another and even deeper breath in and took a few more steps closer and sat down in front of him, putting her hands over his left hand giving it a little squeeze. Seraphina was scared of the conflict dragging a line between them, they had already lost so much. However, trying to talk too much about Tien and everything just didn't seem like the right call, at least not in the heated moment.

"I know where there is some glue, if you want to try fix the lamp? I will help," she suggested with a lower voice, giving him a hint of a soft smile as she breathed out. It was hard not bending to the wet marks from tears on his face, because it just made her heart twist a little bit more than she liked. Seraphina had turned the blind eye to Tien's problem, which made her no better than Tien. She knew that. Seraphina just also wanted less fighting. They had been apart so long, and they all needed to fight for each other rather than with each other. It had used to be Laila and Tien, fighting the most. And she had always just sat in a corner with her phone hoping for the fighting to stop. But she was done just sitting around waiting for things to solve themselves.

Talia  stepped down, telling them she would be making tea. Zadkiel nodded once to Talia, hoping that he could calm Tien down so they all could enjoy a cup of tea. Before he could anything Talia asked for Tien’s attention again, which made her look up towards her aunt, who shortly after told her that this wasn’t on her shoulders alone. Tien didn’t feel like it helped at all and only looked towards her feet. Zadkiel tried to approach her slowly. “Hey… Tien,” he said softly trying to gain her attention. He raised his hand to place it on her shoulder, standing in front of her, but Tien shoved it somewhat aggressively away before she pushed her bigbrother. “Don’t touch me!” she cried and pushed him again. “You of all should know better,” she hissed and shoved him to the side before she stormed to her room and slammed the door. She had no lock anymore, but it didn’t stop her from putting her stool in front of it, stopping the doorhandle from going down.

She looked over her room. It was less messy. It was mostly her bed which was a mess. “Mum…” she cried almost choking on her own sorrow. She sat down on her chair, covering her whole face in her hands. She listened to how Zadkiel tried to figure out if he should follow her or not. As soon as she could hear the footsteps going down the stairs, she folded her hands. “Archangel Zadkiel… Angel of mercy,” she almost whispered, “Please… Mum…” She sniffled a bit, “Please encourage me to forgive my siblings. Please… Comfort me,” she begged, completely forgetting that she had called Nicole just moments ago. Right now, she needed help. Any help. The way she had called her aunt for mother, had made it clear that she needed to see her mother again. To be honest, had she barely even realized that she was alive. She had continued to believe it was hallucinations the others agreed on to make Tien feel better.

Zadkiel went downstairs and saw Talia. “She really doesn’t want to talk right now… She’s in her room,” he informed and went to grab them both a cup. “You alright, auntie?” he wondered and put the cups between them before he looked at his aunt.

She nodded when he confirmed he wanted help with the lamp, she knew the lamp was the least of their issues. Everyone in this household had some trauma, it was clear as day. His other confession made her take a deeper breath in and nod. "Then that is what we are going to do," she gave him a warmer smile before wrapping her arms over his shoulders, just pulling him close for a moment. "Maybe I should fine someone two, and then we can go together? Of course not at the same time and you know - but yeah, might be the best idea this household had in a while," she responded with a soft chuckle. Then she pulled slowly out of his embrace. Yes, Seraphina had talked to people at the academy, teachers, but they weren't in the field that she needed to talk to. And it wasn't like she wanted to ask Tien's boyfriend, or whatever he was about a session. "What would I do without you?" she breathed out with a soft smile on her lips, then whipping away a few of the almost dried tears from his cheek. "I'm glad to have you back, you know that, right?"

The familiar aura appeared making Tien look directly at her mother. There was no such thing as the archangel’s aura here. She hurried from her stool to and into her mother’s arms, finally letting tears glide down her cheeks. Tears only Sebastian had seen. “Mum,” she cried and hold her tight. She loosened her grip a little and let her hands frame her mothers face. “It’s really you,” she whispered. She closed her eyes, feeling how tears spilled like a waterfall.
She opened her eyes again to look into her mother’s eyes “I’m so sorry, mum,” she whispered. Tien had changed a lot the last two months, and it was very clear in her over all complexion – besides from the puffy and red eyes she had gotten from keeping tears back and finally letting them go. “I’m sorry I never accepted your help. I was selfish and only cared for myself,” she told her mother, even though when Tien had been in the act of taking drugs back then, she believed it had made her more capable to support her siblings. “I’m sorry I never told you about the violence or the rape,” she swallowed once, but she had so much to say and she didn’t know how long her mother was able to stay. “I felt so ruined when I lost you that… I didn’t even get to tell Kemuel and-” she took a short moment to gather her thoughts, “And now he’s back and blames me for not being there for any of them and-” she closed her eyes. Had she fucked up now, telling her that Kemuel was here? Was she going to leave her to watch a man Kemuel had turned out to be? After all, he barely looked like himself.

Zadkiel nodded a bit when Talia said that it wasn’t anything personal, and she was correct. It was trauma in progress of being handled – or at least with Tien, he didn’t fully know anything about Kemuel since they had only spoken a few words before Zadkiel had been pushed out of the way and told to stay out of it. It was difficult to watch your siblings yell like that at each other.
As the very well-known aura filled the house, Zadkiel couldn’t help but smile. Tien had begged for mom. Wait what? It took a short moment for Zadkiel to realize, that there was no archangel aura filling the house, but only his mothers. It was twisted. He looked at his aunt when she said she got the help she needed the most right now, “I couldn’t agree more,” he said softly. When he heard the small sigh, he turned his gaze directly towards Talia, who pointed on the cast on his arm. He chuckled nervously, “Well, I got very drunk and hit a blooddemon in the face… And broke my hand,” he explained. It was a very short version of the story, but it was enough, right? He looked up at Talia, and got a feeling that he might’ve said something wrong. He wished to tell her, that it wasn’t Marc who had affected him to this, but to be fair, he was quite sure most of his problems was caused by Marc. Shit.

Seraphina chuckled a little, yeah, they could use that. Actually communicating instead of screaming each other's heads off. She frowned a bit by the aura, but perhaps it was just the missing her mother part that always lured around the corner. "Well, that is a valid point," she chuckled a bit before shaking her head a little bit. Seraphina smiled by him telling that he loved her too, "you better," she pushed his shoulder a little teasingly. Then she took a deeper breath in. "I'm sure there is some glue in the living room, I used it when I broke one of the other lamps in last week," she breathed out again and looked down at the lamp. "I think Talia made tea as well," if anything, she had learned that just sitting in her room and avoid all problems weren't going to solve anything. Just make it worse, and they could focus on fixing the lamp - even if there was other people pacing around them.

Her mother’s voice, no matter what she said, calmed Tien. There was just something very soothing about hearing your mothers voice, something that was learned all from when the child was just a fetus, some said. Hearing the mother speak outside of the womb. It was crazy. Tien had never really believed such things, but now that it hurt this much, it felt so true. As her mother pulled her closer, Tien put the side of her head against her mother’s chest, hearing her heartbeat and the encouraging words, and soon a small pressure from Eden resting her head on top of her own. It was nice and she truly wished that one day her mother would be able to stay forever. She wanted her mother back. Completely back. With her ear against the chest Tien’s eye could mostly see her mother’s shoulder and therefore looked a little up, even though she couldn’t see much more. She closed her eyes. Tien really wished that her mother’s word would be true. That Kemuel and Tien still loved each other as the siblings they were. That it was okay that we weren’t always available, even if we wished to… That might even be how her mother felt? It was a terrible feeling, and she didn’t wish for anyone to feel like that. There wasn’t really much one could do to suddenly be available.
Another beautiful chapter of your life.
Tien almost choked in her sobs. She wanted to feel better, she wanted her family to feel better and for things to go smoother. “Thank you,” she sobbed, still with closed eyes, and fewer tears running from her eyes. She felt like she needed a break – nap, a walk, a flight, or something else. She just really needed to cool down. The best thing would certainly just be to stay in her mother’s arms, but she was sure that she wasn’t able to stay or that she had other people she needed to see.

Zadkiel drew a grimace when it seemed like his aunt didn’t take it very well. He followed her gesture and sat down with a filled teacup near him. The brown eyes didn’t look away from Talia, even though he knew that she would probably bring up the uncle. He let her take his hand and squeezed it back. He breathed a little out and shook his head. She shouldn’t be apologizing. “Don’t apologize, okay?” he said and raised a caring eyebrow a little. “I know that what he didn’t wasn’t right, but I am pretty sure that what he did made him who I am today,” he said and nodded a bit, “And I got someone to talk to and were working on fixing the things that are harmful,” he said and nodded a bit, before he raised his arm, “Like this,” he chuckled a little. “None of us know for sure who we’re falling in love with, nor do we know if what we see is the true them,” he gave her a slightly greater squeeze. “It is okay and eventually I’ll be too,” he said and pulled on a little smile. He wasn’t okay and honestly, he hadn’t been for a long time, but it had been difficult to deal with and take initiative to talk to someone. The broken hand had just given him plenty of time and reason to why he had to get in contact with someone he could talk to.