Heart of a saint, life of a sinner

Dedicated to  @Zadkiel

_________________________________________________________

The rest of the drive home after letting Seraphina off by her home, was in silence, mostly because her drunk boyfriend was sleeping in the backseat. She took her time driving mostly because she dreaded whatever was going to happen as soon as they would step through the door into their home. Right now, the car served as a no man land, where nothing bad could happen. The where still girlfriend and boyfriend, nothing bad had happened. But when the car door was close everything would be real again. How the picture of him lying under an almost naked woman with his hands on her breast. Her mouth on his while he hadn’t been able to fight her off. Her blaming him for not trying hard enough, and still knowing that it wasn’t fair. What she hated most right now, was how torn she was between knowing what had happened and what she had seen. Wishing she could just be one and not both. Then there was the fact that he had flown into such a rage and just hit someone without thinking about the consequences. She wasn’t even mad about the fact that she had gotten hurt, but why it had happened.

Letha licked her lips as she finally parked the car in the parking lot that was on the ground of their apartment. She had no idea how long she was sitting there, the silent sound of snoring from the back, just wondering if they could ever become what she had hoped they would be. If she, had it in her to stick by him, with all that had happened over the last couple of months. Was love really supposed to be so complicated. Did one really have to fight this much for it?
She opened the door and walked around the car to get the side that Zadkiel was seated and opened it, leaned over his sleeping body to unbuckle the seatbelt. “Come Zadkiel, we are home” she whispered by his head and gave him a small shake, feeling how the hurt pressed down on her heart and almost made her cry.

There had happened so many things this night, and Zadkiel was completely drained from energy now, which was why he slept so deeply and didn’t move a muscle. Not even when she had parked. He was far out in empty dreams. It was only when he heard the voice of someone he loved, and felt someone shake him gently, that he stopped snoring and softly opened his eyes. “Coming,” he mumbled and was about to unbuckle his seatbelt, only to realize that it was already unbuckled. Had he forgotten to put on his seatbelt?
“I’m so sorry,” he said as soon as he looked up at Letha again. No matter what he did, things aways turned out to be wrong. He could never do anything right, unless he was at work or cleaning the house. It was the only way he didn’t cause trouble.
Slowly he got his ass out of the car and managed to shut the door without getting hurt. He looked towards Letha, knowing that this was going to be tough. Knowing that he would probably not ever going to be forgiven completely. “Can I give you a hug?” he asked. He wouldn’t have the balance to give her a proper hug, but he didn’t know what to do. He wished to hold her, hoping that the touch from both sides could heal some wounds. There was nothing that he could say that hadn’t already been explained, right? He had been drinking a lot, he had saved a girl from getting a cold and tried to help her, but since she was drugged, the girl tried to do everything in her power to get into Zadkiels pants. Oh, how everything was just a giant mess.

She helped him get out of the car and made sure that he didn’t get hurt on his way. By looking at her, he could see that she had been hurt by what she had seen, and he could only understand why. After all, he hadn’t seen what had happened when she had visited her friend, and he had gotten so mad. It was incredible what the feeling of betrayal could do to a person.
As he asked to give her a hug, she looked down, and he had a feeling that it hurt her to say no, and she really didn’t want to touch him right now – even though she helped him. “Okay,” he mumbled and took her hand and followed her towards the door. As they reached the door, he leaned up against one of the walls waiting for her to unlock the door, closing his eyes for a moment, feeling the cold wall against his naked torso. He hadn’t managed to get his shirt on before he got in the car and fell asleep, he just held both his belt and shirt in his free, hurt hand.
She opened the door and he was guided inside to sit on a small bench. He almost bumped down, and leaned back a little to fast, almost hitting his head, but he only got slightly sore. He leaned forward, even though his stomach muscles were way too tired to move him around. He could take his shoes of himself, he believed, but before he even got very far, he decided that it might only be smarter if she did it. If he did it he would probably end up losing his balance and end up falling face first again – but when she asked about his clothing, which mostly was his pants at this moment, he looked down before he shook his head a little, “No, no, you don’t have to,” he mumbled. He was about to lift his hands up to open his pants when she suddenly asked to his slightly bruised and swollen hand. He looked at the palm of his left hand for a moment, “It just swollen,” he said with a soft chuckle, “I might’ve hit him too hard,” he tried to assure himself, even though the hit had definitely just been a pat on the shoulder to the blooddemon he had hit in the face less than an hour ago.

She believed his hand was broken, making him frown a bit, but as if he was a doll, she could easily pick up his hand. He chuckled a bit when she mentioned that it looked like he had tried to punch through a cement wall, but whenever she pressed a bit too hard on his hand he breathed out a little sound to express pain – but nothing he could live till the morning with. “It’s fine,” he said and let his free hand wrap around one of hers, caressing the back of it gently. “I’m glad you came,” he said softly, truly appreciating that she had arrived. His voice sounded quite in love with her. Who knew how far Caroline could’ve gotten? Zadkiel knew that many didn’t believe that men could get raped, and he knew that he had once never believed something like that could happen – but he felt like it had been pretty damn close that he could’ve ended up being assaulted – if he hadn’t already been the way she had undressed him and made him touch her so many places. After all, he was quite drunk and even though he had told her no, and to stop, she had continued. If a woman told the same story, everyone would be screaming assault, right?
So he was very, very thankful that she had arrived, even though he had hoped he could have a night off without Letha. Not that he thought they spend too much time together, but because he believed it would be healthy for them once in a while. He couldn’t help but think; what if he had brought her along from the start? Then none of the would’ve had happened. He wouldn’t have been this drunk, he wouldn’t have been assaulted by a small blonde human girl and he wouldn’t have started a fight with a blooddemon.
How stupid had he been?
“Don’t think too much about it,” he said and moved his hand a bit to hint at what he meant he didn’t want her to think about. “I’ll just take some painkillers for the night and then we can go to bed. Does that sound alright to you?” he suggested. It had been a very, very long party.

He pulled a small smile as she said she would’ve wished she had arrived earlier. He couldn’t agree more, but the simple fact that she had arrived was better than nothing. It was mostly the fight which was one big problem. He felt how she caressed his cheek, and he could’ve sorn that for one moment, everything was perfect – even though it wasn’t. Being with her meant a lot to him, no matter how great the downs were.

He shrugged a bit as she said that she was going to be thinking about his hand, since he was hurt. It wasn’t that bad, in Zadkiels eyes. He could see she was tired, hand he didn’t want to wear more out on her energy than he had already done. It had been a long night for them, and they deserved some piece of mind and some rest.

She made a decision that they had to go to the ER, which was quite understandable, but even though, Zadkiel felt like it was way too overboard, they could way for tomorrow, but the way she dictated him to wait made him want to agree and just get it over with. If they were lucky, they could get some rest while they waited. She walked upstairs. Even though she had only just disappeared up the stairs, he felt like it was an eternity since he last had seen her, so he got up, because he felt like he had to pee. With somewhat steady steps he got to the bathroom. He forgot what he wanted to do and therefore got the painkillers and popped a single one. On his way out he saw how the toilet trashcan was filled to the brim. Completely distracted by the fact that he was about to leave for the ER, he squatted down to pick it up, so he could empty it, but his eyes caught onto what had filled the trashcan.


He picked up three of them with his broken hand, and with his right hand he supported himself as he got to his feet. He went out to the entrance where Letha had told him to stay, and when she came back with a shirt he looked up at her, still quite tired. “Are you pregnant?”

He raised his eyebrows a bit when she replied and hugged his clothes tight. A glimmering tear glided down her tear “Love…” he called her, and approached putting the tests on the nearest surface before he let both of his hands find their way to her cheeks to dry them. “It’s going to be okay,” he said, before he let his arms surround her and the clothing she held in her hands. If she let him, he would stand there for a moment and try to comfort her. He tried to remember when he had forgotten to use protection and he could only think back to the awful night where he had accidentally hit her, and moments later been in the shower together. “How long have you known?” he whispered, still holding her tight. He didn’t care that his hand felt like it was pounding. He cared for her, her well being and their future.
He was curious of whether or not she wanted to keep it. He was open for anything she wanted. Maybe she didn’t feel ready to have children yet, or maybe she didn’t want children at all. It hadn’t even been anything they had been talking about. Who knew, maybe she believed they were ready to raise a child and devote their life to it.
Was he ready? As of how the evening had went today, no. But if he got a child, he was sure that he wouldn’t attend big parties like he had done today – it would be small get togethers, probably only Howie and a few other friends. Someone who he was close with. He might even talk to his boss about it, to figure out how to handle the fact that he might have to take a couple of sick days if the child would get sick.
He would make sure that his child would never experience the thing he had experienced. He would be protective and teach it how to react properly to problems, so the child would be a great communicator. He had plenty of plans, or maybe he was just looking forward to the day he had his own child in his arms and was going to be responsible for the start of a great life.

Zadkiel pressed his lips a little together as she said how many hours she had known about her pregnancy. He nodded softly while he embraced her. It was alright, things had been hectic ever since she had arrived at the party, so she had clearly just been waiting for a better time to tell him. As it seemed like she wanted the embrace to end, he slowly let go of her. He smiled softly at her as her hand found his cheek and caressed it. He nodded as she said it was more important that he got to the hospital than to have that kind of talk right now, “Okay,” he whispered, before he kissed her back when she pulled him in. This, not only the kiss, but everything she had done, reminded him that she still loved him, but they might just have something to talk about, which might not be that fun to talk about – but he had his hopes high that it wouldn’t be as heated as last time. That was never allowed to happen again.

“I love you,” he whispered against her lips, before he pulled slightly away and looked down at what she had picked for him. “Thanks,” he said and tried to take the shirt so he could put it on, and they could get this over with and get some good night sleep.

The fact that she replied to him made him pull slightly on a smile. It was somehow a nice reassurance, even though the touch and the deeds were more than enough to tell him that she cared and loved him. He knew very well that they had a lot to talk about but since they didn’t pick up the topics right now, he had time to prepare himself to reveal all – or at least plenty – of the secrets, memories, and traumas that he carried – even though he didn’t think that he had ever experienced trauma, besides from his mother’s death.

She took back the cardigan and he smiled a little embarrassed. Drunk and with a broken hand, he clearly wasn’t able to dress himself. She was so kind and rolled the t-shirt up, so he could get it on with much less problems. As she pulled the t-shirt down along his body, he could gently feel how her fingers gently touched his skin. Just like her, he felt the electricity and fuel in his body. Everything was on fire, and he wanted more of it. ‘Luckily’, his drunk self wasn’t capable of truly taking that into action. He looked up at her, lovingly and thankfully as he was now dressed.

You okay?

He sank a lump in his throat, licked his lips and pulled a thin smile. No, was the answer. “Eventually,” he replied letting his right hand seek hers, caressing it softly. He blinked slowly, “Let’s take that tomorrow too,” he suggested puling on a slightly more normal smile.

So, Zadkiels arm ended up being in a cast. What an idiot he had been. But now he also knew that he shouldn’t try to hit Benjamin in the face again, even though it was tempting, not that his hand were in cast, it might be able to hold better… No, no… No more.

Even though Zadkiel had been using way too much energy on healing, drinking and the process of the events from the day before and the news about Letha being pregnant, he didn’t sleep that long. He just couldn’t get out of bed for a couple of hours. He felt glued to the bed, and he had hidden his face underneath the covers, thinking it was too sunny outside. It was when he heard the door open that he believed he might need to get up. He could recognize how Letha walked on the floor, and by the sound and smell of it, she had bought breakfast. She was as sent from heaven. He could smell the burnt food, but he didn’t care much for it, he cared for the fact that she had tried. For a short while he sat on the edge of the bed, stretching his neck in different positions as well as he could.

Finally he chose to stand up, feeling how the hangover wanted him to go back to bed. He was tired, had a headache, felt like he had run a marathon and at the same time he was extremely thirsty. He knew himself that juices were good, or at least that was what he had given Tien. With narrowed eyes he got to the door and opened it. With slow steps he approached the dinner table, seeing that Letha was already setting up breakfast. As it seemed like she was about to put something on the table, he got close enough to close his arms around her in a hug from behind her. He placed his head on her shoulder with closed eyes. “Good morning,” he mumbled tired, “And thank you,” he said softly not letting go of her.

Her voice was like music to his ears. She could be talking forever, and he swore to himself he would never get tired of listening to her. He smiled gently as she chuckled by his thanks and explained that her homemade food went horrible, so she just bought some. He chuckled a little with her, thinking it was very kind of her to prepare breakfast for them – even though it was more or less brunch by now. “It does look nice,” he mumbled with a smile. She glided her hand over his face, making him close his eyes shortly, tired, but enjoying her touch. She offered him apple juice and painkillers. He wanted to give her a kiss before she went to get them and ordered him to sit down, but being his tired hungover self, he was not fast enough. He therefore ended up sitting down at the nearest chair. It was also here where he started feeling a little miserable. A broken hand, hungover and a couple of conversations that they needed to talk about. Oh, how he should’ve stayed at home, then everything would’ve gone so much better.
He saw how she placed everything he needed in front of him and felt her cold lips on his temple. He leaned a little towards it, feeling her cold skin very comfortable. When she then asked how he was beside the pain and the hungover he looked up at her with a little frown, watching her as she walked back into the kitchen to get the food and the rest of the food. He put his uninjured hand up his forehead, closing his eyes in  misery. “I feel so stupid for attending yesterday,” he told her and rubbed his forehead a little, though he had believed he had really needed the night off. “I should’ve stayed at home,” he said still feeling miserable. He grabbed the juice and poured himself a glass and took the painkillers before downing them with some juice. He put the glass down and looked over at Letha. “I’m not going to such a big party ever again,” he tried to assure her.

Zadkiel felt stupid for so many reasons, but mostly he just wished he hadn’t attended, because then nothing had happened that night. He had even spilled some words to Howie about how he felt the relationship he was in had been rocky. He understood why but he also loved the ups and downs. It made the relationship feel real, but on the other hand, some of the downs he could live without.
He shook his head a bit to respond that it wasn’t the fact that he went that he felt stupid. He felt stupid about the things that had happened at the party. Trying to make that blonde girl get better by taking care of her and the fact that he had tried to defend Noa and himself by attacking a motherfucking blood demon. He had been way too drunk to think that would ever go great. He had even ended up getting a broken hand!

He  looked directly at her, as she said his name. He knew they had so many things to talk about, and that he wasn’t going to escape any of them. Not that he wanted to escape any of them, but he might have wanted to wait until his hangover had gotten less bad. He licked his lips and sighed. He had a great feeling that that was something she really hadn’t liked about yesterday. She told him he should go out with friends and the problem was that he wasn’t tackling his problems.
I love you so much, Zadkiel.
He could hear and feel how this was tough for her, and the way she said it made him fear that she was about to leave him. She couldn’t keep doing this. Their eyes caught each other, and it was clear that he wasn’t proud of what he had done the night before towards the demon. He didn’t tackle problems as he should do, just like she said.
How was he not able to keep his emotions at bay like his uncle had told him to and how he had been taught it in the military? She explained that he didn’t have to talk to her about his problems if he wasn’t comfortable with it, which made his gaze travel down to the table. He wanted to explain everything and tell her everything that had and was bugging him, but he also felt like it was only the tip of the iceberg. How would she even handle everything that he had carried before they actually got to know each other? He looked up at her as she said he needed to talk to someone. It wasn’t like he was happy that she said it, no way. He was sad that his problems had taken him this far. “Okay,” he breathed out. “I’ll find someone. I promise,” he put his hand on the table, with his palm up, hoping that he could just squeeze her hand a little to underline the fact that he did indeed promise.

She took his hand, making him smile a bit. It didn’t take long before she stood up and walked around the table. His brown eyes following her all the way until she sat down on his lap. Her hands framed his face and she thanked him, making him pull on the corner of his mouth. It wasn’t going to be easy to face all of these demons, but hopefully it would get easier. “I’ll find another day off,” he exhaled and let his casted arm wrap around her, making sure she wouldn’t slide of his lap, even though he couldn’t feel much since the cast covered a lot of his arm.

“I won’t forget that. I love you too Letha-” he looked down towards her as he felt her hand “and thank you,” he whispered, trying to pull a smile, “Thank you for everything you do,” he mumbled and let his nose touch hers, not caring for the double chins. “I’ll get better,” the words were almost drowned as he felt his eyes get wetter. He sobbed and let his uninjured hand wrap around her. “Thank you,” he said and felt his tears run down his cheeks – one after one.

He felt her lips, first on one cheek, then the other before their foreheads rested against each other. He was so thankful of having her with him and that she didn’t give up, but rather corrected him and told him which way would be wiser to go. It was just quite incredible that he had needed her to tell him that, and that he hadn’t realized that himself before now. He sniffled a bit as he felt her hands cupping his face and her thumbs that ran ever so gently across her cheeks.
He tried to understand how getting better wasn’t just from one day to the other, because that was what he had learned to do. He had to learn and preform on short notice, and he only had very few chances before he would be punished in some kind of way. It was funny how he knew that he could say the same thing to whoever he took care of, but not know how to apply it to himself. There was no need to rush with healing, it was a long process, and eventually it would get better.
He nodded a bit when she continued to say that everything would turn out for the better, but his nodding stopped when he felt that she leaned in to give him a tender kiss, he reciprocated the kiss gently. He let one of his hands find her cheek to kiss her again slightly more livingly. His thumb glided over her cheek to remove the tears that had glided down.

He didn’t know how long they sat there, but he knew that it took a while before both of them had seemed to calm down. “I’ll make sure to try and find one when we’ve gotten some breakfast,” he mumbled and let his hand glide down from her cheek and look up at her. “I love you,” he said pulling on a slightly pained smile. His gaze dropped, wanting to hug her, but his eyes stumbled upon her tummy, which made him look up. “Letha?” he said and corrected a strand of hair, looking into her blue eyes. “I really want a child… But I don’t think I’m going to feel or be alright in time,” he tried to make sense in the things he wished to tell her, “But if you want to keep the baby, I’ll do everything to raise our baby right,” he said, wrapping his arms around her to tell her, that he was there for her, no matter what she chose.