How am I supposed to continue like this? (fortidsemne) - Michael

This was the lowest Yuudai had ever been in his entire life. He didn't even know where to start... He'd hired a nanny for his daughters for today and tomorrow alike, knowing he needed to sort things out with himself before he could even hope to be there for them like they really needed him to. But how on earth was he supposed to keep a hold of himself and not just crumble, fall apart into thousands of tiny pieces incapable of picking himself back up from this dark hole?

He had met Melody when he was just 15 years old. He'd known her for 17 years... Been married to her for the past 9 years. Their daughters were born 7 and 8 years ago, respectively... And now... Both Lovelie, Jewelie, and Yuudai himself... Had lost her. Melody wasn't here any longer. The curse had taken up her life, and she'd used her last breath to put a spell upon Yuudai, one which he knew nothing about - he knows what she told him, that she'd make sure he'd stick around and be able to help all of the people she was sure he was destined to help, but he didn't know exactly how she thought that spell was supposed to help... What it was supposed to do. But right now, he couldn't even manage to think about that.

He was constantly thinking about Melody. It was just a week ago that she had passed, and they had attended her funeral. He felt like half of him had just been ripped out of him and tossed somewhere else - somewhere he couldn't get to it. It felt like he'd never be whole again. He knew he had to be there for his girls, be strong for them... But how could he be strong for them when he couldn't even get a hold of himself right now? So, he'd gone out to drown his sorrows. He'd been at a bar for a few hours, until he got kicked out for being too drunk. He'd stumbled around in the streets for an hour or two by now, still sipping a beer he had in a brown paper bag, while occasionally looking down at his necklace - from which hung Melody's wedding band. In the end, he just sat down at a street corner, bottle of beer put off to the side as he hid his face in his hands and surrendered himself to his quiet weeping.

Outfit

It was a beautiful night, the many city lights lit up wherever he went and it made feel as if there were always people around. He’d been in California for two weeks, choosing to visit because of the high crime rate and forest fires, in which case Michael tried to assist and protect law enforcement and firefighters in their work. Tonight, hadn’t been too busy so he was heading towards his hotel, aiding a few homeless with bread that he’d picked up at a bakery before it got thrown out. Most of them were highly addicted to a substance that made them seem as if they lived in a world different from this. He could only hope that somewhere along the path, they’d seek the help that they desperately needed and get out of their abuse.  

Nearing the hotel, he heard someone quietly weeping in the distance and as he approached, he saw a man sitting on a street corner with a concealed bottle beside of him. The man didn’t look homeless, so he assumed that he’d gone out to drink and with the drinking, escape from something. Something that reminded him of the sorrow he was feeling. "Hello," he said before he quietly sat down beside of him, taking in a deep breath of air, before he looked at the man. His angelic aura would give him a strong sense of safety, making Michael seem trustworthy for a stranger. He noticed a wedding band in a necklace around his neck and suspected that his spouse had died, although he couldn’t be sure. “What has happened?” he asked with a concerned look in his eyes. It was obvious that he wasn’t okay, hence he avoided to ask if he was, but knowing what was going on, was the first step in being able to help. He wouldn’t stop trying until the man was in a better place, whether he wanted his help or not.

Yuudai had been so absorbed in his own misery that he didn't notice anything else going on around him. He just sat there, face buried in his hands, tears slowly, steadily, dripping down from his face,hitting the concrete of the road below him as he silently hiccuped a few times, his thoughts keeping on circling around Melody all of the time. He couldn't think of anything else than the last time with her, and how he wished to God she was still here, still around. But it didn't matter - nothing was going to bring her back, not at this point in time.

When he sensed someone getting close and sitting down next to him, he wiped away the worst of the tears, raising his head to look at the guy now sitting next to him. It was always hard for him to hide that he wasn't quite human when his feelings were out of control, and they'd never been more out of control than they were right now, which meant that his eyes weren't their usual dark brown. No, it was the eyes of his main animal form, the golden eyes of the eagle, looking at the guy next to him. He sniffled, just a little, and what scent he got from the other man, confirmed the feeling of security - this was very much an angel that'd just seating himself beside him.

He sighed, and looked away, once again wiping at his eyes. "What has happened? The fact that my world's been turned upside down in the blink of an eye, that's what's happened." he muttered, hoarsely.

Michael looked into his golden eyes, seeing the sadness inside of them. He told him that his whole world had been turned upside down and he nodded silently, before turning his gaze out on the street in front of them. “My deepest sympathy for your loss,” he said. He knew how it felt to grieve, to feel everything and nothing at once. “Your loved one is safe in the hands of God,” he continued, knowing this to be true. There was no sadness in heaven. His loved one would feel at peace because nothing evil could ever happen to them now. “You know, everyone grieves differently… but in the end, all who grieve, they have to want to move on - that first step, that motivating spark, has to come from within them. And when it does, it opens the door to the unexpected," he said, looking back at him. "I will pray that as the day passes you’ll find that motivation, that you won’t give up and keep having faith for the future. May the rain wash away your worries and cleanse the hurt that sits in your heart. May the breeze blow new strength into your being. May you walk gently through the world, keeping your loved one with you always knowing that you are never parted in the beating of your heart,” he said, hoping that he'd find some sort of comfort in his words and to know he didn't have to go through it on his own.

“If I may ask. Why are you sitting here on the street rather than the comfort of your home?” he asked curiously. He assumed he had his reasons, although that reason could just be that he was too drunk to find his way home and if that was the case, perhaps Michael could help him get home safely.

Yuudai busied himself with wiping away more of the tears that silently kept running down his cheeks. Even if he wanted to stop crying, he couldn't, not with thoughts of her running around in his head. He bit his lip as he looked down at his lap. "Are you sure? Even though she was a witch?" he knew that witches in general disliked anything holy - which was why no holy objects had ever entered their household, as it would've harmed her. There was something with God not being all too fond of witches, wasn't there? He chanced a small glance at the guy, before he sighed and reached out for the concealed beer bottle to take another big swig of it, running his free hand through his hair in his frustrated grieving.

But still, he nodded, after the angel's words. he knew he only meant the best, after all, so the words and action was appreciated - he just still couldn't see any way of going on like he had before. He knew he had to, his girls were depending on him, but... He couldn't see any light at the end of this particular tunnel.

He leant back a little, and looked up into the sky, when the guy asked why he was out here, instead of back home. He sighed, and closed his eyes for a bit, before he answered. "It hurts too much to be there. Everything reminds me of her. When I'm nearing the front entrance, I can still see her in the doorway, greeting me, getting ready to hug and kiss me. When I enter the kitchen, I can see her cooking for all of us - her, me, our two girls... When I enter the living room, I can see her on the couch, motioning for me to join her and watch one of the favorite movies all over again... When I enter the bed, it feels wrong with nobody else on the other side, even though I can vividly see her lying there, sleeping peacefully..."

Michael looked straight in front of him, thinking of the witches he’d killed in the past. Witches that had chosen the path of evil. It’s what it always came down to – people’s choices in life. Truth was he couldn’t be sure where his loved one was. If she was a spirit on earth, in hell or if she was indeed in Heaven. “I save witches’ souls from time to time,” he said thoughtfully. For the most part, they could be forgiven if they believed in God and hadn’t pursued the dark arts. “Whatever you ask in prayer, you will receive, if you have faith,” he said before returning his eyes to him. He didn’t want him to be discouraged from the fact that she might not be in Heaven. She could very well still be in a good place, and if he prayed for it, he was sure that it would become true.

He listened to him talk about why he didn’t go home, feeling a pain in his heart at hearing it. The green eyes then looked up at the sky, watching the stars. “I think it hurts you just as much thinking about her here,” he presumed, leaning back against the wall. “But perhaps drinking helped you forget that,” he continued. People drank to forget, him included. Some nights it was the only reason he was able to sleep. “How old are your daughters?” he asked, looking back at him. “My daughter lost her mother when she was fourteen,” he added. He'd never been able to forget that first night, his heart shattering at the sound of his daughter's endless cries.

Of course, Yuudai knew that of all witches, she might have a shot of actually being up there - she had never strayed from the path of good, and only used her magic to help others. She'd never been selfish in any way. She'd always just been doing what she could for Yuudai, Jewelie and Lovelie - he'd always had to remind her of taking care of herself, too. That was just the type of person she was - so extremely giving. And now she was no more.

"It might," he muttered. "But at least there's no visual reminders out here." he sighed, and drank the last mouthful that was left in his bottle, before putting it aside. "And no, drinking doesn't help me forget it. But it does dull the pain a little bit." mainly because it made sure he felt a little bit less - grew a little more numb to it all.

He sniffled once more, and wiped away more tears. "Jewelie is nine. Lovelie's eight." he then answered the angel, sighing and running a hand through his hair. "I know they need me to be there right now - but how can I, when I can't even keep a hold of myself right now?"

“I get it,” he said, looking at him as he emptied the bottle before he looked away. Trying to numb his feelings with alcohol helped for a little while, but in the long run it would only worsen his state. He sympathized with him having two daughters that depended on him. At the same time, he understood his need to be alone right now, feeling broken and lost. “I have no doubt you will… and you know, it’s okay to talk about their mother. About death. It's important for them to know that they can share those thoughts and feelings with you. Listen without judgement and answer questions truthfully. Give the kid a reminder, if that's what makes them happy, but they need you to be there for them... just like you need them to be there for you,” he said. He knew he was a good person, so he wanted nothing but the best for his family. Michael put his hands in his pockets as he observed a few people walking by. He was going to stay with him until he knew he wasn't going to sleep on the street, not wanting him to be alone with his thoughts. It wasn’t in his nature to just leave a stranger in distress and he’d like to believe someone would have done the same for him if the situation was reversed.

Yuudai looked at him for a little while, then sighed and looked away again, up into the sky, at this point not caring any longer about the endless tears streaming slowly down his cheeks. "I know it's okay to talk about it. But I don't want to. Not right now, at least." Not with the aching hole left in his heart after she'd died in his arms, declaring she'd finally been happy…

"I just… Right now, I can't really see a light at the end of the proverbial tunnel, you know? There's this… Huge piece of me that's just…. Missing, now. I don't even feel like myself anymore. I can barely keep a hold of my instincts…" which the yellow eagle eyes were more than enough proof of, the animal instincts hiding just barely below the surface.