Big girls don't cry

Place: Raymond Street nr. 6
Date and time: 30th of March 2021, 23:52
Weather: Pouring rain.
Outfit Big yellow sweater, short black demin shirt, thighhigh boots. The clothing is soaked.
Dedicated to: @Cecilia

Nervously Tien bit the end of the sleeve of her loose hoodie. She had her phone up against her ear waiting for Zadkiel to pick up the phone. She had to tell him what had happened tonight. She wasn’t really breathing, and just stood next to a bin, under her umbrella. Her whole body was shaking of coldness and the state of shock she was in. “Pick up, for God’s sake,” she whispered underneath her breath, tripping on one leg. It felt like eternity.

“Hey Tien, wh-” He sounded so happy.
“Mom’s gone,” she told him immediately. There was no reason to wrap the story in paper and ribbons.
“I’m sure she’ll be back soon enough.”
“No… You don’t understand,” her voice got more and more hoarse as if something was blocking her throat. She felt like she was suffocating, as she was about to tell him the news. She looked around, checking for any mysterious people, who shouldn’t be listening. “She’s not coming back,” she sobbed, trying to collect her breath.
“What do you mean she’s not coming back? I’m sure she’s just working ov-”
“No Zad!” she sobbed. “She’s dead!” she wailed and looked up into the sky, letting the umbrella uncover her head, so raindrops hit her warm sorrow-filled face.
“No, she’s not. I talked to her a couple of hours ago,” He didn’t believe her. He probably thought she was joking. High on some drug.
“Zadkiel, I-” Tien sobbed so much, that she couldn’t speak. She looked down onto her shoes where her toes stood in a puddle. No tears left her eyes, but she felt how her body was aching making her sob loudly. She quickly forced a hand up to her mouth to quite herself. Nobody wanted to hear Tien cry, even if no tears were shed. She shook her head, still having trouble believing what she had witnessed.
“Tien where are you? Where’s Seraphina and Kemuel?” He sounded so calm and collected. He always had so much control and he always knew what to do.
“Sera is in her room. Kemuel doesn’t know yet. I’m right outside home.” She removed her hand so she could speak clearly and sunk the lump in her throat, as she tried to collect herself. Was he trying to ground her? She looked toward the house that they had lived in for almost a month or so. Her hands found her way to the small pocket in her skirt, where she found a small Ziplock bag with white powder. She had to deal with this faster than he could ground her over the phone. Quickly she took her free arm and dried the bin top with her sleeve, covering it with her umbrella so it wouldn’t get wet again.
“Is mom in good hands?”
Tien nodded trying to catch her breath. “Yes,” she squealed, feeling how the tears pressed onto her eyes. She couldn't cry. Her mother was in good hands, but it didn’t matter anymore. She was gone. She started pouring the powder on to the bin, shakingly. She cursed as she accidentally tightened the grip around the bag and the powder sprayed onto the rest of the bin. This was going to get messy. She used the Ziplock bag to line the powder up.
“Tien? Do you want me over?” She knew the answer to the question. She didn’t want to be alone with this, it was too heavy alone. The hand that held her phone spared a pinkie to keep one nostril closed. She snorted the long, thick line. He couldn’t see her high again. He had done everything he could to help her out of her addiction. “No,” she lied instantly feeling how the powder gave her some adrenaline and courage. “I’ll call dad and Laila in the morning,” she mumbled and tried to dust off any leftover powder. “Please let me tell them… You weren’t there,” she requested, shaking her head. Her voice was still filled with sorrow.
“Okay, but-”
“Goodnight, Zadkiel,” She hung up, she couldn’t do it anymore. She needed to be alone, before she changed her mind and started begging him to come over. She was certain that he needed to process it too. He needed to plan things, like always. Everything needed to be organized, and this probably turned everything upside down.

She looked at her phone for a short while, looking at her background picture. It was a quote about smiling to the world, so it would smile back at her. But she couldn’t, even if she tried. The more she tried following the quote the more she felt the tears loading up. She sobbed, but tears wouldn’t leave her eyes. She took her phone and smacked it down onto the top of the bin. It hurt so bad. She curled up, while standing, as if she had really bad cramps – except this was pure heartbreak. She loved her mom, and she never had expressed it clearly. “Nooo!” she wailed curling more and more into a ball until she fell onto her back. Her face started to get wet, but still not from tears. She sobbed in pain.

It had taken her a few hours of nothing. More than a few hours, but in the end she couldn't just sit and wait for someone to call her. She already feared every phone call she got. She didn't know if it was the police or Maeve's parents having news about Maeve, or if could be another accident somewhere - now she feared whatever news she would get about Eden. Cecilia had been sitting in the changing room for a while, trying to get a hold of everything. It was late, and finally made it to her car. She placed it on speaker, "Hey Luc.. I haven't heard anything yet.. I know it's late.. I'm just gonna swing by.. see if everything is alright.. talk to you soon - love you, bye." She hung up shortly after. She needed to focus on her driving and the terrible feeling of the world falling apart wasn't giving her the best focus. She knew if she asked he wouldn't think twice about checking it out with her, but he at least knew what adresse she drove towards. Cecilia made the turn towards Raymond street, it wasn't really the best weather driving in and the worry just seemed to rise in her chest the closer she got. Cecilia parked the car, and ran out in the rain towards the house. She never really used umbrella's she didn't like them, so she just ran towards the door when she saw Tien.

Cecilia stopped in the pouring rain as she watched the young girl just crumble to the ground. It stung in Cecilia's heart and she ran closer to her as she could see Tien fell onto her back. "Tien," she spoke out as she came closer. Cecilia had seen Eden's kids a few times before, when she had been over for a cup of coffee or tea. There was no words to express the heart ache Tien was feeling right now, and she wasn't here to tell her that everything was going to be alright - but she was here. She walked closer to the young angel and sat down next to her, placing a hand gently on her arm. All she wanted was to pull the girl into her embrace and hold her tight, but she had to give Tien space. She wondered if the other's were home, and looked shortly towards the door - now would have been perfect with supernatural senses. Cecilia pushed her own sadness aside for now, she still hadn't got the confirmation that Eden was gone- Tien could just be in shock from the event that had happened. The event she had seen with the demons. But her gut told her that sadly she had lost a dear friend tonight and Tien had lost her mother. The tears burned in Cecilia's eyes and her lips started to shake a bit as she exhaled. "I'm so sorry," she whispered knowing her voice was weak in the sound of the heavy rain.

She heard a voice nearby, but it didn’t change how she felt. She wheezed, with a painful, sound leaving her mouth. He back was soaked from the puddle she had ended in. She overed her face sobbing loudly, feeling her eyes being warm and the cold rain pain her cheeks. He makeup had been ruined even before she had called Zadkiel, by the rain the greedy angel had brought to them.
She felt a hand on her arm and immediately felt how she needed some kind of embrace. The growing heartache just made it impossible for her to move a lot. But she managed. She almost threw her torso onto Cecilia’s legs, not really knowing or caring where her hands ended, but she hugged her tightly, with her head onto Cecilia’s thigh. “She’s gone,” Tien squealed between her sobs. She had wished for the embrace of her mother, before she left, but everything had been against her. She had to take care of Seraphina and even if she had her under control, the grieving, greedy angel had hovered over her mother, as if he was the only one who was allowed to mourn that close to her. No body was even left for them to bury. It was going to be an empty coffin, and they had no ashes to spread. Everything had happened so fast, and she wished that she had done something different. She wished that she had done so many things differently. She wished that she had told her mother that she loved her. What Tien didn’t know; was how she was learning from this experience. She would never let a family member doubt how much she loved them. She didn’t want to lose any more. “I killed her,” she cried out loud. She still hadn’t retracted her wings from the battle, and her wings were still white, except for the dirt that had caught on to them. “It’s all my fault,” her voice was thick with grief.

The way Tien almost threw herself onto in desperate need of comfort was like a kick in the human's stomach, and all she could do was place her arm over Tien soaked back. Cecilia knew she couldn't provide Tien with the comfort of the one person she needed, the young angel needed her mother. The only thing that would bring the angel comfort was seeing her mother again, and Cecilia wasn't even going to try replacing that - she couldn't, but she could be here. And just like that, all her other worries, all the other chaotic things in her life were pushed away like they didn't exist. Nothing existed beyond this giant wave of sadness that threatened to wash over her. She held Tien as close as possible, hearing confirm the words she had hoped not to hear today. She's gone. Cecilia let the tears escape her burning eyes, and let them run down her cheeks just like the raindrops from. Cecilia couldn't avoid being highly affected by the sobbing, it broke her heart completely to even realize that Eden was in fact gone. She didn't want to believe that she couldn't imagine that. Imagine not meeting Eden's wonderful smile when they met at work. Eden forcing her to take a break when Cecilia clearly had overworked herself yet again, always being there for her when she needed a friend. Eden had been there last month after the accident, without Eden, Cecilia would have been in a shape much worse than this. The fact she hadn't been able to provide help fast enough, if she had spent less time freaking out about the vision and had just called for help right away - perhaps then Eden would still be here.

I killed her, Cecilia shook her head as Tien cried out loud. Guilt, one of the most terrible emotions to be hit by. It was easy blame oneself, Cecilia was already there as well, but the last thing she wanted was for Eden's two girls to blame themselves for this matter. It’s all my fault, Cecilia took a deeper breath in and exhaled heavily through her mouth, crying to control her own sadness. "It's not your fault Tien," she assured the young angel as she gently gave her a little squeeze. "Let's go inside, get you out of these wet clothing," she spoke softly, right now Tien needed someone to be available and to be patient. Cecilia had seen what had happened, or at least a version of it and she wasn't going to force Tien to do anything. If she wasn't ready to go inside yet, she wasn't going to push her.

Even from the awkward position where she almost laid on Cecilia’s thigh, Tien could feel Cecilia’s arms around her. It helped, even if Cecilia wasn’t aware of it. Having the feeling of someone’s arms around her made everything seem slightly easier. It wasn’t the whole world that was angry at her – yet. At least Cecilia didn’t seem like she was angry at her. But of course, at this point, where she held Cecilia, she hadn’t told her that it was her fault, neither why it was her fault.
Cecilia wasn’t her mom, but the embrace almost felt like it. She would never have the possibility to tell her mom how much she had meant for her, and how it was Eden she wanted to make proud. It wasn’t Cael she wished to make proud neither Laila, Seraphina, Kemuel or Zadkiel. Either she had lost the great communication they once had, or she felt like there was no way she could make them proud. She just wished for her mother’s approval, but now that motivation for life was gone. What kept Tien motivated was how her mother had told her to be there for her siblings. She had to be there for them, no matter the cause – and in this  situation, it was no matter if Tien needed drugs, just to get through the day. She would be in need of them.

It’s not your fault, it hurt to be told a lie, when you were hurting so much, and everything was so clear before her. Whatever she  imagined; she could only see it was her fault. She felt the slight squeeze and shortly stopped breathing, as it silenced herself. Let’s go inside. She breathed again. Sobbing loudly. “No,” she cried, shaking her head in Cecilia’s thigh. “No, I can’t go in there,” she said before she slowly let go if the embrace of Cecilia and sat up, hugging her legs with a quivering lip. She felt so cold. She dried her wet face with her sleeve. Still no tears. She sobbed, stopping her hand at her eye. Sobbing like this was in no way pretty. Her mouth was weirdly open and snot would soon be leaving her nose. Why wasn’t she able to cry?
“Kemuel doesn’t know,” she managed to say. “I don’t want him to suspect anything,” she elaborated. Tien had to have her sobbing under control before she would head inside. The fact that Kemuel may or may not be wearing headphones, screaming and shouting at fellow players, was a fact that she hadn’t processed yet. She just couldn’t risk it.

She didn't want to go inside. If anything, she understood not wanting to move anywhere else than here. The big doe eyes watched the sobbing angel, as she sat back up. Cecilia took a deeper breath in and folded her lips slightly. Kemuel doesn't know, Cecilia nodded a bit and wondered for a second how many people actually knew this. How long had the Tien been home, was Seraphina inside? She didn't want to overwhelm Tien with questions right now. "I reckon he would suspect less if he found you on the couch instead of soaked out here in the rain, huh?" Cecilia's voice remained tender and a slight thoughtful, hoping it would make sense to Tien that sitting out here in the rain was way more suspicious than sitting inside. "I will even put a random chick flick movie on, and we can pretend for a while," she would allow Tien to keep it from her brother for a while. Mostly because Tien needed to let everything sink in as well, she couldn't imagine being the one who was sitting there trying to keep it together. "Is Sera home?" she asked after a while, "maybe she would like if we made her a cup of tea?" Cecilia suggested, she didn't want to pretend everything was alright because it wasn't, but maybe finding another way to think about the whole thing could get her inside. Tien was far too young to be dealing with all of this, and Cecilia wanted to take some of the burden off the angel's shoulders.

Everything about this entire thing pained her, and there was nothing they could do. They just needed to find a way with time to get their feet back on the ground. Cecilia had far too many questions, and the only answers she had was from her overthinking mind. "How many knows?" She then asked and looked shortly up at the sky where the rain still fell heavily to the ground, almost as if even the sky cried for their loss.

Why was Cecilia so good? It made sense that Kemuel might suspect more if Tien stayed outside in the rain. Cecilia’s words also made it easier for her to control her sobbing. She nodded and dried the nonexciting tears. It would be much less suspicious if Tien was inside. She just had to control her sobbing.
The mention of a random movie made Tien chuckle lightly, but still filled with grief. “Sounds good,” she said and pulled on a small smile. Is Sera home? She nodded. It was very difficult to figure out how much Tien could soothe her sister. She knew, that if she did too much, she would just be pushed away. “Yeah, tea,” she said, almost out of breath and nodded. With some difficulty, she got up. As she stood up she felt how everything seemed to turn inside her. She wanted to lay down again. The corners of her mouth turned downwards, and her lips started to quiver. How many knows? She looked over at Cecilia and bit her bottom lip. “Sera and I. I just called Zad.. A eh, shapeshifter… And… Two angels? I don’t know,” she said shaking her head, trying not to have such a sad face. “The angels took her,” she swallowed the lump that sat in her throat, “One of them said she was in good hands… And… I trust him,” she took a deep breath in and nodded. She shook her head a bit. “I just… What’s the difference? She’s dead and-” her breathing stopped her from continuing. Slowly she closed her eyes in grief and pain. If Cecilia lead her to the entrance, she would follow.

Cecilia nodded a bit, when she got confirmed that Seraphina was home as well. There was no say in how the different girls would handle their loss. Emotions like these were intense and almost impossible to understand, and that was one of the most important reasons to not be alone. Cecilia got up as Tien seemed to stand up, it was a step in the right direction. She tensed her jaw slightly as Tien told her two knew, she had called her brother and Cecilia took a slightly deeper breath in. News like that shouldn't be shared over the phone, it was too late now, but perhaps she would swing by him later to pick him up - making sure he was alright. Cecilia didn't know the shapeshifter - and frowned a bit when she said two angels. She assumed one of them had been Remiel, and they had both been too late. The thought made her fold her lips slightly together, the angels took her. It made sense, but it wasn't right, at least not in Cecilia's head. Tien, Seraphina, all the kids they deserved to give their mother a funeral. Perhaps once things had settled down, she would give a few words about how she didn't find that fair, but now it wasn't the most important thing. Even if one of the angel's had said Eden was in good hands, Cecilia wasn't sure what that meant, but she could find out. What’s the difference? She’s dead and- Cecilia shook her head a little bit, "dead, doesn't mean gone Tien." Cecilia reminded the young angel as she walked inside, got them away from the rain. "And that means everything." Both soaked. Cecilia closed the door behind them, and took a slightly deeper breath in.

She had only been here a few times, but they had also just only moved in. Cecilia had helped Eden unpack, and the house that had felt so warm just a day ago was now so cold. The only good thing there was about this, was Cecilia knew where most things were since she had helped Eden put it together. She walked over to the tv, and just turned on the first thing to create some noise and a distraction if needed. "We should get you out of that first," Cecilia breathed slowly out as she came back closer to Tien. Gently she placed a hand ond Tien's arm and looked at her. "Come here," she added in a low whisper and would just slowly pull Tien into her embrace, if she allowed it.

Dead doesn’t mean gone. Tien rolled her bloodshot eyes, filled with sorrow. She just wanted to give up. Nothing was right anymore. Tien had had something to connect the dots to before, but now, whatever she thought of, nothing was right or made sense. That means everything. Tien pulled in the corners of her mouth not really knowing what to respond.

The door was closed behind them. Slowly Tien started to realize just how cold she had been from being completely soaked in rain and the puddle she had laid in. She had to do the laundry herself. Damn laundry. She sighed, completely exhausted.
Tien stood there for a while, just letting her eyes follow Cecilia walk around and suddenly turn on the TV to create some noise. To kill the silence. She felt so numb. Attention was then corrected back to her, as Cecilia wanted Tien to get in some other clothing. She nodded slowly, blinking rapidly. She lifted the soaked sleeve up to dry her rain-wet face. It didn’t do much.
Come here. Tien was pulled into an embrace. It felt like the floor beneath her disappeared and she almost hung in Cecilia’s embrace. “It hurts,” she whispered and tried to keep her reappearing sobs low. She didn’t want Kemuel to notice yet. It felt like her whole chest was tightening. But it only lasted a short while, before the drugs started to kick in, relaxing her and releasing the pain she had felt in her tight chest.

She wished she could give Tien the ability to breathe for a second, to lift the burden she had on her shoulders - just for a little while. It's like my whole family is falling apart, the last thing Eden had said at the gala and said more times after. Feeling like everything was falling apart, and here Cecilia was standing with Tien in her arms. It hurt, she understood that. Cecilia's entire body was aching with hurt, but she would have time later to let it out, right now Tien needed her. Seraphina needed her and Kemuel needed her. So here she was. Cecilia took a deeper breath in, "I know.." she whispered and blinked a few times to keep her own tears from falling. "I know." Cecilia couldn't anything but hold Tien a little bit tighter. "It will for a while," it was never easy. It was like when you had to tell a family their loved one didn't make it through surgery - when you had tried and done all you could. It didn't change the fact that someone you loved where gone. Cecilia guided Tien slowly to the couch, the soaked clothing could wait a little bit. She let Tien sit on her if she wanted, she wasn't letting go of the embrace of the angel totally yet, she wanted Tien to know she was there. Cecilia could only imagine how exhausted Tien must be, even she was exhausted herself. "I will stay here the night, if it's okay with you. Then we figure out what we do tomorrow." Since Cael and Eden weren't married anymore, he wouldn't have to stand for anything unless he wanted to. And Zadkiel was the oldest, yet Cecilia didn't want him to carry the burden of hosting a funeral by himself. And she would make sure to call him tomorrow to come here as well.

Cecilia knew. She even knew that it would hurt for a while. It was overwhelming. Should she live with this hurting and still make sure her little sister and brother were doing alright? She couldn’t do that. She had to make sure that she held her head high. For them.
With that thought, she felt how the tense feeling around her chest loosened and she could breath for a longer time. She needed it. A big breath helped with relaxing herself. The body felt heavier and without Cecilia Tien would probably had faceplanted the floor.
Tien sat beside Cecilia, but with her legs up across Cecilia’s. This way Tien could still have her arms around her without having to twist her body too much. The face rested upon Cecilia’s shoulder. She nodded slowly and silently. She would love for Cecilia to stay the night. Then she didn’t have to be alone. That was the last thing she would wish for right now. Even though she had denied her big brother to come over, she had still been in need of comfort, support and just the presence of someone that could be next to her. Tiens eyes stared at the TV, not really watching it. “Thank you,” Tien said with a hoarse almost whispering voice. She thanked her for everything she had done. It meant a lot.

Her body felt heavy as they sat down, and her heart even heavier, if she had been alone she would have cried her eyes out. But right now it was like she couldn't even get them to show, perhaps she had cried so much the entire month already that it seemed like she became more or more numb to the feeling. She was tired of feeling her heartache and the pain that seemed to try crushing her soul every time she turned around. Her arm around Tien for comfort and having the angel closer to her, just starring into the television without even paying attention to whatever was on. Cecilia took a deeper breath in and exhaled a bit more deeply, finally managing to blink a little tear out from her left eye, as the hoarse voice whispered to her. It always took time for Cecilia to process things, at least till she let herself process it and right now wasn't the right time. A part of her still longed for it all to be a bad dream, that none of this was real. That Eden wasn't dead, it was just a nightmare and they would all wake up soon enough. And everything would be fine - but only a naive person would think that everything ever would be completely fine again. The horrors they had seen today, no one should watch their mother die like that. No one should watch their friend die like that. When had her world become this painful and colored in this kind of torture?

As the hours passed them, she still didn't know what they were watching. She had managed to summon her phone at some point and texted Lucas about what had went down, even through he most likely had figured by now that it wasn't anything good that had happened. She had also written to him that she would call him later, when she would. Finally it seemed like the broken angel had fallen asleep and Cecilia carefully removed herself, and placed a pillow under Tien's head so she wouldn't hurt her neck, and then placed a blanket over her. A small sight left the human's lips as she walked to the laundry room, at least just to cry for herself, letting it all out for a few minutes, looking at the time, it was already around seven and she hadn't even gotten a single hour of sleep. How could she sleep? After she had cried for a while she pulled herself back together and dried her eyes. Walking upstairs to check if Seraphina was alright, the shorter angel sitting in the window, looking over at Cecilia shortly as she opened the door. But then just turned her head outside again. Then she returned downstairs again, reckon she could as well make something to eat - make some coffee, she needed coffee if she was going to survive today. So, she talked out to make some coffee and make a few phone calls later on. Indeed today would be a great deal of sorrow.
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//Out - topic keeps going here