The lamb who seeks gold (TW)

Date and time 20/07/2022, late morning
Place Kaylin and Lucca's place
Weather Way too hot
Outfit Long floral dress from a local store. She's wearing a white t-shirt underneath the dress to hide bruises and bitemarks.
Notes 178 cm and 54kg
Dedicated to @Kaylin

Warning Flashbacks of assult and descriptive feelings about it

Stefanja had put her brave face on, or well, at least she wasn’t hunched over, nor was she crying as she approached the door where she had left not that many days ago. The first day had been alright, things had still seemed surreal. She hadn’t really been able to realize that it had happened, and yet, whenever she had gotten flashbacks, she had frozen on the spot. On the 18th she hadn’t been able to move out of bed, on the 19th she only came out of bed for food or toilet visits. She had been in so much pain and had even seen a doctor to make sure things weren’t too damaged. She had been stitched and with her consent, she had also been healed with magic, so she was closer to her normal. But approaching that house was simply enough to frighten her.
She got to the door, and for a moment she hesitated whether or not she should knock on the door. But she managed and took a couple of steps away from the door. If it was him, she was almost certain that she would end up fleeing. Running even. If it was anyone else, she might be able to exhale and present why she was here. She felt like it took forever before the door actually opened in front of her. She could feel how every muscle tightened in her body while the door opened, and as soon as she saw the kind face, she could relax. “Hey Kaylin,” she greeted being able to breathe again. Present the business. Present the business. Present the business.“Is your brother home?” she spoke quite softly, hoping he wasn’t home so she could relax for the actual business. On the other hand, she was nervous that Kaylin might call for Lucca to come to the door. That would be terrifying.

Stefanja was pleased to see Kaylin and noticed how she almost covered herself as if it had gotten cold all of a sudden. Even though Kaylin did it, Stefanja couldn’t help but notice how her heart started beating just a little faster. Was it just the outfit? She almost had to give her a mental slap so she wouldn’t stare. As Kaylin looked over her shoulder to check if Lucca was home, Stefanja could feel how her whole body started to fill with adrenaline to sprint away, but it all disappeared when Kaylin assured her that Kaylin’s brother wasn’t home, she could feel how her shoulders sank. “Yeah,” she replied quite relaxed, almost nodding once as she entered the house. “I uh… I forgot some earrings when I stayed over,” Stefanja’s voice was soft, just like the other day. She was somewhat good a camouflaging her emotions – except for the other day. She hadn’t been able to mask herself too well with Lucca, but maybe it was because Kaylin had been there. As a cry for help. “I was thinking I could go and find them in his room? I think I know where they are,” she elaborated and crossed her arms in front of herself.

“Oh! Alright,” Stefanja was somewhat relieved that she didn’t have to enter Lucca’s room once more. It was probably just going to wake memories she tried to drown with everything else – just like how Kaylin’s cardigan moved as she walked up. How it followed her hips and- okay no. She had to stop herself, blinking a couple of times. What was she even thinking?
They entered the room, and it was such a difference there. Her gaze simply couldn’t help from looking around the room. She took everything in. The light, the posters, and the art. She noticed how it was much cleaner, but it still looked like someone lived there. She couldn’t help but take silent steps to peek around. Nothing that seemed too nosey. “I like your room,” she said, not letting her eyes remove themselves from the room at first. She looked toward Kaylin, “Can you find them?” she wondered. If Kaylin had difficulty finding the earrings, or seemed hesitant, she would approach to help look.

Stefanja had managed to get all the way close to her, to help search for the earrings, but as soon as she had gotten close, Kaylin seemed to turn toward her, which made Stefanja’s eyes look from where Kaylin’s hands had been and up to her eyes. Just like Kaylin, she held her breath and felt almost magnetically attracted to her. Her heart was pounding like crazy against her chest. She could feel the tension creating, and in that moment, she found herself looking shiftingly from Kaylin’s to her lips. She shouldn’t. She could get killed if she got home to Russia announcing such a thing. She barely even noticed that Kaylin had taken her hand. She was so occupied with her face. The expressions, where her eyes went, how her lips moved, how the lashes were intertwined with each other. It was only when the words left her that she felt how she blinked. “Oh- what? Why are you apologizing?” she spoke ever so softly, almost as if nobody was allowed to hear them.

Stefanja pulled a small, crooked smile, trying to understand. How couldn’t Kaylin know why she apologized? Well, of course, Stefanja wouldn’t be able to explain it either if she apologized for staring. Was she staring? Stefanja wished she could play the weak chuckle on repeat. It was so innocent and pure. Filled with emotion, even if Kaylin didn’t wish for it to show. Stefanja’s eyes shifted from one of Kaylin’s eyes to the other as the words slowly came out of Kaylin, and she let go of her hand. She almost forgot to keep her own hand up with the earrings. Her brows furrowed minimally, and a wider smile spread on her lips. “Nervous?” she wondered, noticing how Kaylin’s cheeks got flushed. She could swear that her body had forgotten how to breath, and that her heart simply pumped blood into her body as if it took a break or took it too slow, she would die. Which is the true function of the heart; but this was much faster. “You really don’t have to be nervous around me,” she said almost breathlessly, “I’m not judging you for anything and I’m… Not going to be mean to you,” she hoped that her assurances comforted her.

A smile couldn’t be stopped from forming on Stefanja’s lips as Kaylin covered her cheeks. It made color come to Stefanja’s cheeks, adoring her. She wished to hold her close and laugh with her. She didn’t exactly know why, but she wished to have a close relationship with her, even though she feared her brother and would most likely jump out the window if he popped his head into the room.
Her eyebrows ticked towards each other twice, trying to figure out why it was that Kaylin got so nervous. While Kaylin thought Stefanja’s eyes once again couldn’t help but study Kaylin’s features, how her chin was formed, the curve of her cheekbones, and how her brows were siblings and not twins. Flaws that made people the people they were. Things that most artists would overlook, and some artists would enhance it. She couldn’t help but think whether or not Kaylin had things she was self-conscious about, or thought could be improved on her. Not that it mattered at all, but Stefanja wished for people to know just how beautiful they were, and she had this feeling, that Kaylin would appreciate a compliment much more if she heard it from a stranger who said it wholeheartedly, compared to a close relation who said it, just because it was expected or to get something they wished for.
When Kaylin expressed that something was happening, she got slightly worried which could easily be read on her face. Stefanja had hidden away her masks now that Lucca wasn’t present. A question that Stefanja hadn’t really expected, made her furrow her brows slightly, “Uh… Yeah, I guess,” she chuckled almost a little nervous that it could be something about the night she had spent here. She really didn’t wish to be brought back into those memories, that were already lingering, ready to remind her of everything.

Stefanja listened carefully to Kaylin’s question. She believed it was a tangled question and she needed to untangle it to understand it and reply to it. Feeling something, that others might not accept. It stirred in her heart feeling conflicted. It was difficult to say no, because almost every year of her life, she had thought that women had been way more attractive than men, and yet, she always said the thing that was expected of her. ‘I’m going to marry a man and get at least four kids.’ All of it was terrifying. The feeling that she had connected the question to was eating her up. It was difficult not to let the feeling become a part of her. Yes, but at the same time, she did so well. As she was about to open her mouth, her mind chose to wreck the thoughts.
She had felt so dirty. Ashamed. Used. Stepped on. Violated. Broken. Objectified. Even if people wished to understand, they never really did understand, did they? They didn’t understand the situation she had been in. They didn’t understand how she had screamed in pain or how she had been bleeding. The feelings were strong, and it was so difficult not to let it become a part of her.
“I think that everyone has that feeling once in a while,” she replied, feeling how her mind started spiraling, and how she started to get more cautious about any sound from downstairs. “What are you feeling, Kaylin?” she wondered, hoping that what Kaylin felt could distract her from the racing thoughts.

Stefanja’s thoughts were corrected back to the original thoughts, but when she linked the conversation, they had had, her sentence translated into: I’m attracted to you. Stefanja wished to act like she had believed she would if she ever got out of the claws from the Russian roots that were so deep with her. “Oh, well, that’s good,” she tried to get herself to breathe, sinking a lump. If someone was good at reading lies and facial features, one could already see how Stefanja did agree that this was good. Her hand found her neck, which indicated an upcoming lie, “I’ve never really thought about women,” she said, even though it made her stomach tie a knot. “Or, I mean, I grew up in Russia-” she swallowed another lump, “They don’t really approve of that, and-” God, she felt dizzy from forgetting how to breathe when she was with Kaylin. “I honestly don’t know what I’m into,” she said with a smile that didn’t know who to stay on her lips or not. She had to find a way to direct her sexuality in the right direction because she didn’t feel like she could say directly that she liked women. Maybe it was the constant fear that someone was listening or plotting against her. “I uh… Don’t tell your brother, but I think that I like men less now,” she said and folded her lips, almost as if it was supposed to be a joke that he somehow hadn’t met her needs. But her ‘father’ and Lucca had definitely ruined men’s chance with her. The blunt truth was on the tip of her tongue. It was almost as if she tried to talk herself around it, even though she was slowly getting closer to the final answer. I’m attracted to you too.

They were not in Russia. She tried to tell it to herself like a mantra. But she still lived in Russia, and her relatives were Russian. They wouldn’t just understand. She did her best to put the fear behind her, but it was constantly nagging her. But it was like everything was being sucked away as Kaylin told her, that she would never judge her. It was a dangerous thing to say, she believed.

Kaylin was clearly surprised, but it didn’t take long before the kiss was reciprocated, even though it was seemingly quicker and more intense than the one Stefanja had given. She tried to follow the pace, because the passion in the kiss, was also something that Stefanja had, though it was buried deeper away in her heart. She always tried to keep her heart far away, because she knew she was going to get hurt, but time and time again, people managed to find it and break it a little more. A soft sigh left Stefanja between the kisses before she pulled her lips away from Kaylin’s. Why did everything feel so electric and at the same time every inch of her body hurt? “I think… I think I should go,” she whispered, even though it hurt to say. It was going to be a mess if she was going to bring Kaylin and Lucca into her life. She had plenty of things she would have to work with and figure out.

They still stood very close to each other, even though Stefanja had ended the kiss. She could feel how her heart was beating, and she couldn’t determine if it was anxiety or simply some kind of lust building up in her. She held her breath while Kaylin held her hand and spoke to her. Nobody has to know That was exactly what she wished for, but Russia had eyes everywhere. She didn’t feel safe. She felt like she was watched. Every electronic device was having eyes on her. Listening to what she was doing. “I-” she could feel how the fear was consuming her. Please stay. “I’m sorry!” she said and quickly pulled away, picking up the earrings from the bed, “I can’t-”. She couldn’t make herself look at Kaylin as she turned toward the door so she hopefully could storm out of it, head down the stairs and out the door.

Stefanja frøs på stedet som hun hørte Lucca’s stemme neden under. Hun var ikke engang nået til trapperne. Hendes hjerte hamrede løs mod hendes brystkasse, og hun frygtede faktisk at det ville ende med at springe hendes ribben for at kunne banke hårdt nok. Hun hørte ikke engang Kaylin’s stemme men begyndte langsomt at bakke væk fra trappen, prøvede at være så lydløs som mulig. Hun kunne høre en dåse blive åbnet og ikke længe efter musik der blev spillet. Selvom det kunne distrahere ham fra at se hende eller lægge mærke til at hun var der, turde hun ikke at gå nedenunder. Hun vendte sig hurtigt rundt, for at stikke af tilbage til Kaylin’s værelse, men løb desværre ind i Kaylin. Det fik Stefanja til at give et lille overrasket skrig fra sig samtidig med hun sørgede for at Kaylin ikke faldt til jorden. ”I-I changed my mind” lød det hurtigt. Det var måske en lille hvid løgn. Hun ville stadig gerne stikke af, for at være sikker på at de ældre mænd i familien ikke ville melde hende. Stefanja var næsten fristet til at løbe til Kaylin’s vindue så hun forhåbentlig kunne finde en trægren og kravle ud den vej. ”L-Let’s go back,” lød det lavt fra Stefanja, der næsten stod med Kaylin i sin favn.