The one who builds my paradise

There was a part of her that wished that he would tell her to leave, to look at her with hatred instead of that agonising pain that took hold of his face. Seeing how he tried to hold back the tears, it was enough to take away her own. She didn’t deserve to cry over this, not when she was causing him so much pain, and what she could only think would be regret forming in his heart and mind. Maybe she was putting too much into his feelings, forgetting that perhaps it was her that was feeling the guilt. Regret for putting him through this, to make him open his heart for her, only to feel it shatter now that she was taking the love she had given him back. She hated it, all of it. She was momentarily angry at Sergei for walking into her life this late to make all these feelings resurface. Mad at herself that she always pushed feelings away rather than talking about them, letting her heart rot because she didn’t open up.  
“yeah”, another apology had lingered on the tip of her tongue, but she managed to swallow it, letting a raspy breath agree with him. Once her mind was set, it was hard to change it.
“I guess I should pack my things,” she said, clicking her tongue, upset by her annoying question; that wasn’t really a question. Of course, she should pack her things. It wasn’t a question, of course, it wasn’t. But it was still hard, like a hurdle she had no idea how to pass.

It looked so easy, to get up and get your things: get out. It was a heavy stone placed on his heart and he was unsure if he would ever be able to remove it again. Because clearly he had done such a terrible job protecting his heart against this aching pain hammering towards him with full force. Maybe this time he would learn. I guess I should pack my things, the reality of it all rushed to surface. How he wished this was just a nightmare and he would wake up soon, laugh at the dream he had. But it wasn't the case, he needed to let go and he hated it. Ethan hated that he understood, he hated he always was able to see the other side of things. "Yeah," his brows pressed together, confused about how fast all of this was going, from thinking everything was fine to out of the sudden, nothing was fine anymore.

If she went out the door, would it be the last time he saw her? Would they just become strangers in the end, a face you someday would think about with a smile on your face because of the good things you recalled about them? He hoped so. Yet, he didn't want to lose her. Not completely.

She nodded, looking at the untouched cup resting between her hands. She hadn’t even taken a sip, and she was already out the door; when would she ever learn? Would she ever be better at not being impulsive and just doing whatever her heart told her to? She wasn’t sure, and maybe she should just come to terms with the fact that she would never be able not to break people's hearts. This time was just different; it didn’t lie in the fact that she loved Sergei and not Ethan. Not like when she had been together with Cassian and Dion, where she had been hopelessly in love with Dion, but when Cassian had shown the interest that Dion didn’t have, she had just gone with him. No, she loved Ethan, very much so, which was why this was so hard. She was sure of it.
“okay”, she let out a shaky breath before looking up, trying to give him a small smile, not knowing if that was the right course of action. Another thing she hated so immensely, she didn’t know what she could allow herself to do around him anymore.
“When, when the wounds have healed, I would like to see you again”, she whispered, “if you want, you can call–but I know we both need time now”, she added, looking back down at her cup of coffee before letting go, moving her hands to rest against her thighs.

And just like that he felt like they were strangers again, but worse than that perhaps. They didn't know what was right to say or not, it was hard, he clicked his tongue a little, then clearing his throat by her last comment. "We will see in time," he replied, realizing just then how hoarse his voice was, making him try to clear his throat again than taking a sharper breath in, keeping himself sitting wanting to let her pack if that was really what she wanted. To be honest, Ethan's body felt so heavy like the chair he was seated in had him glued into the seat. He felt helpless in the matter, knowing he couldn't stop her or do anything to stop the thick agony spreading in his heart. His eyes glued themselves to the dark coffee in his cup, feeling the discomfort creep in on him, and he wanted nothing more than to cast it away - but he couldn't, it wouldn't leave him.

She had no idea how long it took before she finally stood up. She went into the bedroom and grabbed her bag. She realised just how little she had here, knowing that most of her things were at the mansion, which was odd, given that she lived here and not there. Maybe it had been her independent self who thought she shouldn’t rely on this too much—doomed before it had even started because she wouldn’t even give it a proper chance. It pained her even more; Ethan deserved better than what she had given him, what she had been willing to give.
For a moment, she wondered if she should give Eve a call, get her to stop over—but she wasn’t sure if he would like that or if that would just bring more trouble for him.
When she was done, she stood in the hallway looking at him. Once again, she found herself wanting to apologise, but she never did so more than once. If you kept saying the same thing repeatedly, it would start losing its meaning. She was sorry for everything. But surely he could already see that.
“Take care, okay?” she whispered, giving Puzzle a sad stroke over his head before she looked back at Ethan. She wanted to run out and get this over with, but she knew it wouldn’t do her any good. So, her feet kept steady, waiting for him to say something. Anything. Before she could turn around and walk back to the mansion, the walk would do her good.

It was the strangest feeling that choked him in this second, the feeling of his heart aching. He had just reopened it. But perhaps he was just addicted to the pain, somewhere down the line feeling he deserved it. If he had done more, been better, then perhaps he would have been enough. Take care, okay? The words echoed so hollow in his ears in a echo that became more and more distant. He turned his head and looked into her eyes, watching her say goodbye to Puzzle. Ethan felt so weak, he couldn't even place the root of his pain, but he knew it was somewhere in the heart. "You too," was the only words that left his lips, choking in the sob he refused to leave his lips. Then he had to watch her walk away, walk out the door feeling how it was like his heart was ripped out from his chest and shattered on the floor. Perhaps it was because of how he had dropped to his knees in realization of the pain once he couldn't see her anymore. Only hearing Puzzle making sounds as he walked over to lean against Ethan.