Mystery of love

Ace had left the apartment after a very long day cleaning and more importantly talking with Willow. His head was a mess with all the information and thoughts that had been running back and forth. He was greeted when he opened the door and looked up, “Hey,” he said and started getting rid of his jacket and shoes. “Well, I chose to focus on one room at a time,” he said with a soft sigh. “The living room looks… Alright,” he said shaking his head a little before he turned around and didn’t notice how he clenched his teeth for a moment. “One of the nurses from the hospital visited. Willow, if you remember her?” he said and opened the fridge, mostly hopelessly looking for something that could satisfy whatever he felt like he needed. “She got some trouble in her love life, and believed it would help to talk to me,” he laughed a little before he closed the fridge and leaned against it, looking at how Hope was staring at the kettle. His eyes looked her up and down, almost scanning her to see if she had hurt herself in her training. “Are you alright?” he spoke with a soft voice, believing she might have dissociated for a moment. He believed even the sanest people did that.

She pressed her brows together and then nodded when she did remember who Willow was. “Yeah, it rings a bell, bright smile blond hair?” she asked, then nodded when he confirmed it was her. “Trouble with her love life, and she came to you?” she chuckled, looking toward Ace; she shrugged when he asked if she was all right. “I don’t know if I’m being honest”, she mumbled, turning further around so her hands folded around the counter she was standing by. Her eyes looked down as she pulled in her bottom lip and started chewing on it thoughtfully.
How did you explain that nothing really made sense, and you just wanted to be alone? But when it came down to it, you didn’t want to be alone at all. Constantly sitting with this feeling, it felt like she was suffocating, and there was no air around her to breathe and ease the pain in her heart.  

Ace hummed shortly as Hope recalled Willow’s look. Ace chuckled with Hope, probably thinking the same as her; he wasn’t the right person to talk to about love. Or maybe he was, just as long as it didn’t involve around himself. His brows furrowed a little, and the smile from the chuckle lessened as she explained she was unsure whether or not she was feeling alright.
His eyes followed her as she turned around. He could even see how she was biting her lip. Simply from her body language, he was certain that she felt uncomfortable. “Do you want to talk about it?” he spoke softly keeping his eyes on her.

Did she want to talk about it?
She wasn’t sure, mostly because she was afraid of what would happen on the other side of that conversation. So, she looked away for a moment, just a brief moment to make up her mind and then she looked back at him. “Remember when we talked about us not being good at relationships?” she spoke firstly, not that she thought he wouldn’t be able to, it was more a way to give her more time. Her heart felt so incredibly heavy in her chest, almost as if something was weighing her down. “All of what happened with Michelle, and seeing Jamie –“ she clicked her tongue and closed her eyes. “I’m not sure I’m ready” she wanted to say so many things, talk about how she hadn’t been living her life since her children had died. How she had then used most of her time searching for something, making it unreachable in a way, so when she finally found it she wouldn’t be able to actually grasp it and understand to nurture it.
She needed time; she needed to be alone and heal. And she wasn’t sure she could do that with Ace, with everything that had happened between them, even if she loved him.

Ace let her think, he wouldn’t pressure her to take a decision at first, but for a moment, he believed that she didn’t want to talk about it and was about to think about leaving her for a moment, but then she looked back and opened up. “Yeah?” he spoke softly and leaned a little better towards the fridge. She spoke about Michelle, and he couldn’t help but lick his lips, look away and take a sharper breath in. And seeing Jamie. Super, at least it wasn’t fully Michelle who complicated things. He looked back at her with a soft almost sad expression. He looked down between them for a moment before he looked back up at her. “Alright,” he said having trouble figuring out what would be the right thing to say. “I… Michelle is not going to bother us,” he told her, “Or, yeah,” he scratched the back of his head. There wasn’t really an us right now, was there? “What do you want to do?” he wondered, already thinking though where to sleep – or not sleep. God, he didn’t wish to knock on Oscar and Letha’s door. No matter what, he was almost certain, that he was not going to be sleeping next to her tonight. She clearly needed space from all of that.

She wasn’t really sure what she had hoped for. Reassurance? Him walking over, taking her in his arms, saying it was okay she wasn’t ready, but they would figure it out? But suddenly, it felt like they weren’t standing only a few feet from each other but miles apart. Distance only grew intact with each breath she took. It was heartbreaking, but maybe it had been doomed from the start. What did she want to do, wasn’t that a million-dollar question. She just stood there and looked at him, not knowing what to say. His gaze looked so far away, only bringing her theory to life with how he distanced himself from her.
“I want – to not feel like this”, she mumbled, letting her hand rub over her heart almost in the hopes of it stopping to hurt as it did. “Like if I bring something up, you just close yourself off because you don’t want to feel what it’s doing to you; I want to not live in constant fear that you will kick me out of bed and tell me to leave you, I want when your crazy ex-wife tries to murder me in your home, that I have a key to, that you don’t blame me, that you take my side and I feel like you’re on my side” angry tears started to form in her eyes as she pushed them away with the back of her hand. “I can’t fix you and me at the same time, and if you would rather just ask me what I want to do, rather than asking me what we can do to figure this out - then I guess that there really isn’t much to talk about now is there?” her eyes searching his, almost in a desperate hope that he would reassure her in some way.

Ace felt slightly overwhelmed. He had believed that she would simply ask him to leave and simply have her peace by herself, but as she explained what was bugging her, he felt how his nonbeating heart sunk. He believed they had been talking about this, or at least the part about how he wasn’t going to kick her out, but it was still bothering her. He noticed her tears and pulled a little in the corners of his mouth, wanting to show more than just the plain face. Luckily his eyes started glistening a little as she started to talk about how she had to fix them herself. He felt like she was covering whatever they had, ripping it apart in the process. “I’m sorry, Hope,” he said, clenching his jaw for a split second. “I want to figure this out together, but it, it just seemed like you already had made up your mind,” Fighting for something that was already over was stupid but fighting for something that had a chance was worth fighting for. He took a smaller step towards her. “We can work this out together. It’s okay that you don’t feel ready, but I believe I can only reassure you of this. I can’t make you more ready.” His eyes stayed at hers, “I’ve told you before, and I’m telling you again… I’m never going to throw you out. If you ever fear that, tell me. I will reassure you,” he folded his lips for a moment. “I never meant for you to feel like I blamed you for what happened,” he could feel how his shoulders sank a little more, “I don’t know what I said that made you feel like that, but I am so sorry that you felt like I wasn’t on your side,” he reached for her hand to caress it’s back. “I will be on your side, and I will make sure that you don’t feel like I’m blaming you if something happens where I can take sides,” he hoped it would assure her.

Her eyes stayed with his as he neared her, as he kept talking and explaining. She didn’t understand why her heart just wasn’t in it anymore. Maybe because she was so scared, or was it the fact that she wasn’t sure she could ever forgive him for what he had done? That no matter how many times he reassured her, she would always think so?
“That’s the problem, Ace; I fear it every time we go to bed and every time I wake up” she shrugged her shoulders and looked at him while she sucked in her bottom lip. She dried the rest of the tears off and let out a pained sigh. Once again, she was left with everything she wanted to say, but none of the words actually left her; why was it so hard to just say what she was feeling? Because she was scared of what he would say to it, or what he wouldn’t say?
“You said, cut it out, both of you” she repeated the words he had said when he found them. “I’m guessing you were even wondering if you should walk inside, as Michelle was trying to kill me” she gave him a sad smile and shook her head. “You say so many words, words to make me feel better, but your actions, what you then go and do, they speak completely different, and I’m just, so overwhelmed with everything that is going on with my own family and dealing with everything that has happened in my past as well – I’m not sure if you like me, or it’s more the comfort and the idea you like” she added making a small groan “maybe I’m not even capable to being in a relationship, I’m not even sure I’m capable feeling love anymore since my kids died in front of me” Hope confessed leaning against the counter and placed her face in her hands.

Ace folded his lips as she explained that she felt it constantly. It weighed heavily on him to know that. His own cowardness had put him in this situation. “I’m sorry,” he whispered.
She repeated his words. Cut it out, both of you. His eyes fell down between them for a short moment, almost ashamed that those words had left him, but on the other hand, things happened so quickly back then. Would she really put so much in something that had been spat out as soon as he had seen what had been happening, without even knowing what was going on? He had after all had no idea of what had happened when he had entered the scene that Michelle had created. “What-” he was almost taken aback that she would think so. But had he? He wouldn’t think like that if he knew Michelle had been so dramatic. His eyes followed her as she spoke and explained how he was saying one thing but doing another. He didn’t understand what was going on and why she hadn’t taken these things up instead of letting them pile up. He wanted to tell her that he didn’t just like her and she wasn’t just some kind of comfort. He had found comfort in himself. She spoke so fast that he couldn’t figure out when he could speak or not. He didn’t want to interrupt her, because as she spoke, she revealed so many things and eventually she covered her face and leaned over the counter. “Hope,” he whispered, stepping closer to her, and pulling her up to wrap his arms around her, not caring much about if she tried to push him away. “I’m sorry,” Was that the only thing he could say now? He was angry at himself for being overwhelmed so easily that he didn’t even know what to say. “We can take it slow,” he spoke softly, “Take a step back, maybe?” he tried to caress her back. “I had thought about talking with you today about where you saw us… Because I realized that maybe I was more ready for a relationship than you – and that’s okay. We just have to figure things out,” he spoke softly. His eyes looked around in the apartment, “Did you want tea? I can make it if you’d like, then you can rest a little in the couch, hm?” he wondered pulling a little away to figure out what she felt for the most.

Her eyes locked with his; it was like things quieted down in her mind, even if it was only for a little while. When he asked if she wanted to sit on the couch and he could make them some tea, she nodded and let out a small sigh as she walked over and sat down. She could see her reflection on the black screen of the television. Her eyes closed, and she leaned back, letting her hand glide over her forehead and pressed down her black hair. Maybe he was right; she wasn’t ready for a relationship because she hadn’t been dealing with her trauma; she had just run away from it. Take a step back, but could she keep him on like that? Letting him wait till she figured out things, what if that meant that he would close himself off again, or that if someone else that might be better suited for him came along and he just wouldn’t see it because he had some hope that she might come back – and she wouldn’t?
It was almost too much to bear. Because one part of her wanted to be with him, another wanted to figure things out and let him wait until she was ready herself. But lastly, there was a part that knew that this might be the time to let him go. But how did you do that when you weren’t ready to say goodbye?

She nodded and he gave her a small smile and for a moment he watched how she walked over to the couch before he started making them some tea. She had already boiled the water, so he didn’t need to do much. He added anything that he knew she liked in her tea and the same to his own before he put it in the teabag and let the water run over the bag, making the water change color immediately. When a mug for each of them had been prepared he let each of their spoons whirl around to mix everything evenly. With a mug in each hand, he moved to the couch to hand her, her mug. “Here,” he spoke softly before he sat down next to her. He let his cold hands hold the mug for a moment, appreciating the warmth it had. “How do you see us moving on from his moment the best?” he wondered and looked from his cup towards her. He just had this feeling that she had already had thousands of thoughts and therefore she might already know where everything was going, and he wanted to know just how she pictured things to be in the nearest future. Was he living somewhere else, was she still being around, or would she spend time with her newfound family? There were endless opportunities, but he figured she already had a small idea of what she would like – what was going to work and what wasn’t?

It wasn’t the fact that she didn’t love him. It really wasn’t, but how did you go from here? She took the cup and gave him a small smile, unable to do more than that as thanks.
Then he asked the grand question, where did she see them move from here? She was afraid, just as much as she was. But she was more fearful of what he would do if she said she needed time. Maybe he was right in his way of thinking, that she already knew what she wanted, and if there was any doubt in her heart, that should be answer enough. But that didn’t make it any easier for her just to say it, now, did it?
She wanted nothing more than to look up and smile at him, tell him that things would turn out fine, and know that she would put past events behind her. But she had left for far less in the past, already that told a story that she felt like she had tried. She really had, and she wanted nothing more – but sometimes, sometimes loving someone was letting them go.
“I think” she licked her lips, hoping she would change her mind or just say I don’t know and make him take the steering wheel. “I think we should let each other go”, she whispered softly, feeling tears glide down her cheeks as she looked down at the tea she had in her hands. Then she looked up and let out a small sigh. “Sometimes two people find each other when they need it the most, to start them on a journey to heal, but these small sparks of doubt and constant worrying, none of us deserve them, and I’m just afraid that it will end up costing more than it can give us, I’m just scared you are going to hide away again, but that doesn’t justify why we should stay together, not when I’m not ready, and you shouldn’t wait till I am, I don’t want you to wait, I want you to heal too,” she said her piece, she didn’t wrap it in, she didn’t hideaway. Her eyes locked with his as she told him what was in her heart, what was floating in her mind. No matter how hard it was or how big of a toll it took on her.

He swallowed a small lump and clenched his jaw for a moment. Even though he had been certain that that was the outcome, it still hurt, but he kept a small, slightly quivering smile looking at her. He listened to her and felt how his heart sank, though he fully understood everything she said. He even remembered telling similar things to Primrose when things had been going in the wrong directions with whomever she had been with. He nodded a little as she looked at him. “That might be the best,” he said quite slowly feeling how every word hurt just leaving his mouth. “The healthiest thing to do for the both of us,” he said and pulled a quick sad smile. A very small laugh left him, and he shortly looked away, “Just… Please make sure you don’t get hurt,” he said, thinking about the many times he had healed her. Sometimes she might not even have noticed it. “I won’t be around in the same degree to fix you up,” he told her with a small smile. Between the lines, he told her that he still cared much for her and wouldn’t want her to get hurt in any way. “Maybe,” he looked at his mug for a moment, thinking about how to phrase everything, “Would you mind if we eat dinner and I leave afterward?” he suggested, knowing it might sound odd, but he didn’t feel like this was something he just wanted to leave as a big open wound. He wanted to feel… Somewhat okay when he left, and make sure that she was somewhat okay too. At least, he figured that it would be less painful, and they had each other to cheer each other up.

There was something about the way he phrased himself that made her breathe a little easier. She knew that a backlash might come, and he would resent her for leaving him. Or that he felt she hadn’t given them the change they deserved. But right now, it was easier because he decided to pull himself higher and, in his words, told her that he wouldn’t cut her out or leave just because she needed time, and in that time, he should find someone else if he decided to. However, she truly believed that this time they had shared had been the steppingstone for the both of them to walk a path towards something worth living instead of hiding away from the world and shielding their hearts from people who tried to love them. Even if she was doing the very same right now, and yet, it felt so incredibly different than expected.
A soft chuckle left her, and she nodded. “I’ll do my very best not to get into more trouble” then he proposed something she hadn’t thought he would. Share a dinner, and then he could leave; she nodded. “Of course, I would like that”, she whispered, giving him a soft smile looking towards the kitchen and then him. “Not that I have very much to offer. Should I order some takeout?” she offered and started to look for her phone before she found it lying on the dining table. She got up with her te in hand, walked towards it, and took it before walking back to the couch and sat down. “There is a nice Indian restaurant down the road if you’re in the mood for that?” she asked, looking up from her phone and finding it oddly comical how they suddenly fell into a more comfortable air around them now that love, sex and relationship in that sense had been pulled from the equation.

He smiled a little as she chuckled and told him she would do her best. He couldn’t ask her for anything more than that. At least, it would be a stupid thing to break a promise on. Once again, he pulled on a soft smile when she explained that she would love to share dinner before he left. “We can order take out,” he agreed with a hint of a crooked smile as she suddenly seemed to think about something else and looked for her phone. While she got up for her phone he licked his lips thoughtfully, with a mind racing, only stopping for a moment when he picked up his tea and took a sip of it. It helped, drowning the thoughts just for a moment. He looked back up at her as she mentioned the Indian restaurant, “Indian sounds good,” he replied and nodded to her. “Are we getting it delivered or should we head down and get it ourselves?” he wondered.

She folded her lips, chewing a little on her bottom lip for a moment, thinking about what she felt like doing. She needed a bath after her training, but that could wait till after Ace had left, not wanting to make this any more difficult than it had to be.
“Let’s just order and go down and pick it up; call me cheap, but I think it’s stupid to pay what, two pounds to someone when it is just down the road”, she said with a small smile as she started looking at the options and took what she wanted. She then got up and handed Ace the phone. “Pick something you would like; I’ll just quickly change t-shirt at least”, she added and then walked up the stairs to her bedroom.
When she had done that and found a hoodie, she came downstairs again, “all done?” she asked, taking the phone and ordering it, paying right away so that it was handled. Then she sat down, just as a small ping was heard. “It will be ready in twenty minutes; that gives us time to finish the tea before going”, she said and felt how she was overcome with the feeling that she had no idea what she might be saying to him afterwards.