Can you let go?

Dedicated to  @Ash

NOTES | 180 cm, long brown hair pulled back into a braid, archangel aura.

It was rare he even had time to sit down at work, always there making sure that everything was running smoothly and everyone had their thing to do. Planning a head it was good to make sure that everything was in order for the next couple of days. This job wasn't for the faint of heart, and he needed to make sure that there wasn't room for anyone to mess up. Then, his door opened and he didn't even move his eyes up at first, having to fill out one more paper. So, it wasn't till her voice broke the silence in the room, that he moved his hazel colered eyes up and looked at Eden. She had been dead. He remembered when Cecilia had told him that she was gone, he remembered being at the funeral, empty casket because her body and soul was in Heaven. See, Ash wasn't an emotional person and he rarely gave away much, but he had sherd a tear at the funeral, cried when he had gotten home. Anyone could think she had pulled some cruel trick, faked her death or just simply have become something else and been hiding away. Ash didn't need to ask what had happened to her, in a blink of an eye it like a hit in his entire body as he intuitively extracted all the information that had been regarding her death. Making his heart feel heavy for a short moment. "Afternoon Eden, lovely to se you again," he placed his papers down and got up from his chair. Then he walked to her, even with his powers and knowing just what had happened - it was rare you got to see someone again after thinking you had lost them. "Good to have you back," as he stood closer he placed a hand on her arm and took a deeper breath in just before pulling her into a hug. "This place haven't been the same without you." Ash confessed and let go of the hug again a short while after.

He wasn't the most fond of physical touch, at least not from strangers, it was something else when it came to someone as close to him as Eden. After Jezebel, he had locked himself in and devoted himself to his work - which was a lot of years, and his emotions had become more grey than the clouds on a gloomy day. I’m not really back Ash, he frowned a bit and took her hands that was holding his face. He didn't let go of them through, but just gave them a little squeeze. I’m not going start working at the hospital again A snort left his lips, perhaps a bit cold or aloof. Ash cleared his throat and finally let go of her hands. "Of course you are back," he didn't ask why she wasn't. He had already seen to much, and it was selfish of him to ask of her to stay. Ash hated his abilities in this order, and in the same time it provided him with knowledge beyond many others - or at least when it came to death - and death knew everything, right? He took a sharper breath in and clicked his tongue as he lifted his hand op, to point a finger at her shortly. "Don't resist such big part of yourself Eden," he breathed out and lowered his hand. There was a thing when people who had the jobs as they did, there was the rush, everyone lived for the rush before heading into surgery or when an emergency call came in. Then there was the seeing sick people get better part, and their values. See, Ash didn't seem like the guy you would point at in the street and assume he was a doctor, or perhaps he was. "I'm not taking no for an answer."

You have to take no for an answer! He rolled his eyes by the comment, he didn't have to do anything. Most people found him arrogant, and perhaps he was, he didn't really care what other people thought of him in the long run. He didn't care about these other responsibilities, she had made an oath the day she became a doctor, a surgent. "You have responsibilities here at the hospital as well," he pointed out and took a step back while rubbing his chin a little bit. He knew she was a lot older than him, having done way more than he had. Hell, he even knew that she wasn't even entirely herself anymore, and she didn't even have to tell him. Ash turned his back to her, he had to pick up the information he was getting. See that part of his power she didn't know. Understanding death and knowing everything related to someone's death was very different. "Why?" He repeated her words almost offended and turned around looking at her again. Or not even almost, he was. Did he really need to tell her the list of reasons why he needed her here at the hospital? After Jezebel had walked out on him after breaking his heart and almost ripping it out of his chest, he hadn't trusted anyone. No one had been able to peel the his walls down or even climb over, except his children. "Because we are in this together," he pointed out a bit harshly. Ash took a sharper breath in and tighented his jaw. "Two goes in. Two goes out, I've always had your back. Always, without a doubt believed in you. And I need you here," he drew the attention back to the fact he needed her to stay. "I never ask for much. And I know you have a lot on your plate, believe me - I know, but.."

She took a few steps closer towards him, and he looked at her - not even sure how to express himself in the matter. He looked hurt, angry but mostly just hurt. Not because she had come back, or because she was quitting her job, because he had lost someone he cared about deeply and suddenly she was back, and then wanted to walk out of here again. I can stay of course, if you need me he breathed out, as if she had just taken a huge burden of his shoulders. "Few hours is all I need," he breathed out to confirm he was fine with whatever time she had. Ash had already given Cecilia half hours, following his time table because of everything. Not even that girl seemed to be able to catch a breath, and still worked it was insane. Everything that happened in this world was insane, and it turned you bitter and cruel but not Cecilia and Eden. For some reason they could take all the battles, all the cruelty, terror and horror and paint it in beautiful colors, making him believe the world wasn't just all bad. They made him believe that what he did was worth it, and that he wasn't raising Lexie in a world where everyone would turn bad. I wouldn’t do anything to hurt you, he took a deeper breath in before cupping her face as he looked into her eyes. "I know," he confirmed. Of course she had no intention on hurting anyone, "its not like anything that has happened to you was on purpose. Death knows more than you think," he added with a small smile. "How are you? How are you feeling about all of this?" He then asked and frowned a bit. Since she cared so much about him not thinking she was out to hurt him, he assumed that most people weren't as pleased with her being back. At least not the people who had been through serve trauma dealing with her death. He remembered finding Cecilia on the floor in the hall after her vision, it had taken him hours to get her talking about what had happened in the state of shock. "Who else knows?"

She teared up, which he understood, dying wasn't easy. They saw death here every single day, and almost everyone thought so hard for survival. Coming back should be something to be punished for. Punishment for this was unfitting, even through he could understand them as well. It wasn't easy losing someone as well, and for them to suddenly just stand there like their grief was pointless. He whipped her tears away with his thumbs as he took a sharper breath in. It made it twist in his stomach to see her cry, and he felt his jaw tense just a little bit. Then she replied a few people knew, Cecilia being one of them. She hadn't mentioned anything, then again he couldn't really be mad at her even if he tried. But he would have wanted to know sooner, not even knowing how long Cecilia had known for. His attention shifted the second she mentioned Cael had left with Kemuel, and then broke down. "Hey, hey," he took her in his arms and held her close. Just holding her close. "That is not true, you know that," he had one arm around her, and the other one the back of her head, just holding her closer to him. "You are wanted, you are needed. They just miss you, that's all. They have to process, and they will.. They will, I promise you that." He closed his eyes for a short moment. "Don't give up on yourself just yet. I will be here.. every step of the way."

What if I'm not Eden anymore? He took a sharper breath in and looked at her. She pulled a little away from him, but he didn't remove his eyes from her. "I will let you in on a little secret," he took a deeper breath in and grabbed her hands gently. "You will always be you. You might have something happened to you, and death is supposed to be the end. But it was not the end for you, and this second chance. You need to embrace it," he gave her hands a little squeeze. Ash took once again a sharper breath in. "You don't know this, but I can sense everything that surrounds death, you don't need to tell me what has happened to you - I already know. This is why I tell you, people will still be there, and you will still be Eden. You are still Eden, but you are also something more now," he breathed out. It was possible that she didn't want him to bring it up, good thing he wasn't started to be direct in his speech. "You have to find out who you want to be in all this, and you are not going to find the answers to that waiting for you around the corner. And it sucks, dealing with things are changing, I'm for one not good with it." He breathed out in a smaller chuckle. "But you don't let other angels, God or whoever you think needs to the choice do that. You do whatever the hell you want. It's your life." It didn't really fit what he just had said to her about staying. But there was a difference in her accepting what had happened, and for him to let her go. He wasn't ready for that part. Not after all they had worked to hard to build here at the hospital. Eden and Cecilia was possibly the only one of his colleagues that he actually liked. "And I know it's selfish of me to ask you to stay here, but I'm a selfish guy. I can live with that," he gave her a little warm half smile looking into her eyes. "You will figure everything out. And I'm here for you. Whatever you need."

Her laughter made him smile, it was rare, but he did smile for her. "Good, you remember the rules," he added with a small head shake, just before she placed a soft kiss on his cheek. Ash lost his breath for a second, and his dark eyes looked into hers. His breath returned to him as he needed it to breathe, "good because, I can't be the only smart person left in the world. That is a lot of pressure," he reminded her with a more teasing undertone to his voice. Their eyes locked, he didn't want to let go. Ash took a deeper breath in before exhaling again. "Don't people like us deserve better than to just be okay?" He asked underneath his breath, not truly knowing where these words came from, but they were now out in the open. As cold Ash could be, his heart was bleeding on behind the surface, even if he wasn't going to let the walls crack some people had escaped behind his walls. Ash knew the board had found a person to fill in Eden's spot, which was hard enough and he hadn't been ready for that - not that he would ever had told them that, he had just found ever single angle in telling them the series of people for the spot had been a wrong fit. In the end Cecilia had had to tell him to stop, which was the reason he hadn't interfered with this hiring. "You have to go I know.. but what if I just want you to stay for a while longer?" He feared if he let her walk out the door, she would be gone again. His hands reached out to grab hers, and squeezed them gently.

It was a feeling he hadn't felt in ages, or he had, he had simply just repressed it like he did with most emotions. His entire relationship with Jezebel had turned him into something else, and yet, Eden had crept in under his skin and just stuck. Not even death being able to keep that small flame she had enlightened within him to die. I can stay a little longer, he breathed out, like as if it had been heavy on his shoulders that she would suddenly just vanish. Vanish and never be here again. What if this was his last moments with her? He blinked a little almost not getting the question about Sebastian and Lexie, but someone managed to figure out it was what she mostly would talk about. Family. "Yeah, they are great. Bash is still working hard, and Lexie is thriving at school. They are both good," he assured Eden with a warm smile lighting up on his lips by the thought. Even though none of them where his blood, he still loved both just as much.

"But Eden?" He took a sharper breath in, still having his eyes locked with hers. He could feel his heart skip a sudden beat, no, he wasn't nervous. Ash didn't get nervous, he always knew what he was doing - at least most of the time. He liked to be in control and know what happened around him, perhaps that was the reason he was so good in the OR he knew what to do and what needed to be done. This was different, this was his heart yelling out to him, and there was nothing left to do other than listen to it. So, he closed the space between them as he cupped her face with his hands, and gently pressed his lips against hers.

The kiss was short. Surprising himself by actually doing it. Why had he even made such a reckless move? Her saying her name in that tone, he didn't know whether he should regret his bold move or just accept it for what it was. "Hey," he took her hands and looked into her eyes. "Don't put too much thought into it, it was a moment of weakness - okay?" Ash assured her with a smaller smile. "It was - the thought of you going out that door and never showing up again," he confessed and took a sharper breath in before letting go of her hands again. Her hands on his face made him hold his breath for a while, looking into her pained eyes. "I understand," he added before breathing out again. It pained him to be understanding in this, and he wasn't seen as an understanding guy, but he was, he understood more than what people knew. "You just had me freaked out for a little while that's all, just forget it ever happened, okay?"

"I think I made it pretty clear you don't get to tell me what to do?" He chuckled a bit underneath his breath before removing her hands from his cheeks. Ash watched the tears streaming down her cheeks, and he wanted to remove them. He wanted to do that. But what he wanted most was to just turn back time with a few minutes to prevent him from causing them more pain. "Dead doesn't mean gone Eden," he reminded her with a low voice, "I did let you go - way too many times already," he whispered underneath his breath before taking a few steps to the left to walk past her. He closed his eyes for a second taking a deeper breath in now when she couldn't see his face. Pain was inevitable, he knew that. "I know more about death than you do, death spills all secrets, death knows all," he whispered a bit, not even sure if she heard the last bits, but it also didn't matter if she did. Ash wasn't sentimental, not after Jez, not after what she had done and he felt so exposed and did not like it one bit. Ash cleared his throat. "If the roles were reversed Eden, would you?" He turned around again looking into her eyes, "would you let me go?"

It was like a switch had been turned on and he knew he had just ruined everything. "As I deserve," he mumbled slightly annoyed by those choice of words. Ash didn't care about what people thought he deserved and didn't deserve. It was odd why he had first thought on acting out now, on feelings he didn't even himself had processed and by the end of that had just messed up things. Ash was so angry, only at himself however. His anger had nothing to do with her. He finally turned his eyes to hers again, his brows pressed together, making him look slightly confused. Asking him to make a choice, an impossible choice really. Ash wasn't the one to act on his feelings, or ever go after what wanted when it came towards them. One thing he did know to do best was to focus on his work and his family. Him and Eden had always been family in some ways, and he had always adored the way she made his kids feel comfortable and safe, even if Aleks had been the one most in contact with Jezebel - Ash had learned to accept that over the years. "I can't," he breathed out and shook his head. "I have a surgery," he excused himself and walked passed her out the door. Taking a few heavy steps out the hall he looked around him, the air felt so thick and hard to breath in and it made him frown even more. Ash took a few more steps, rushing his hand through his hair, not really knowing what to do with himself. He didn't even know if there was a surgery, but one of the best stress releases was to do cut in something.

TIME SKIP
5th of May 2021

Why was he always like this? Always getting so upset over something that he took it out on everyone else, other than facing the problem head on? He had kissed Eden, but instead of actually just accepting that he had made that move - Ash had exploded on Nia who was really just a new kid at the school and wanted to fit in - but instead he had to stand there like the queen b and tell her to know her place. Which he knew wasn't fair, and if it weren’t for the fact that he had been drinking a few beers this evening, he would likely not have thrown himself this acknowledging pity party. Okay, maybe it had been a few more than just two beers, for another thing he had gotten out of last night. Cassian and Bash had met, and of course the two of them had realized what had been going on. Not because it was a secret, Bash had just never asked to know even when Ash had asked him.

But now? Now he was scared. Would the demi-god admit that? No. No of course not. He feared losing Bash, that Cassian would come into Bash life and do everything better than him, and that Bash would realize he had more to learn from the warlock than Ash. In this frustration and loss of control over everything around him right now. He felt so completely out of it. He had to talk to Eden. He had to say he was sorry. Because he was. He didn't wish to ruin their friendship and everything they had. He knew he had. If he hadn't death had taken it and swallowed it whole like it did with everything at some point in life. "Eden! He yelled looking around the living room, taking a sharper breath in. His voice so hoarse as he took sharper breath in. "Eden! Come on, I need to talk to you," he took a sharper breath in, getting up from his seat on the couch.

He lifted his hand up to cover his eyes from the light as she showed up. He lowered his hand as the light faded a bit. Looking at her looking just as wrecked as him. "Are you?" He took a deeper breath in looking at the blood she leaved behind then at her. He couldn't even find his words. "Want a beer?" Was what came from him and Ash took a deeper breath in. What the hell had happened? What the hell had happened to them?