Why is our love so hopeless

”Don’t.. please don’t say it yet,” she got up from her bed and walked to him. She knew it was time for goodbye, and how she hated he offered himself. Vanya also knew she couldn’t stop him, if there was anything she couldn’t do it was stopping him from being himself. ” I’m not gonna stop, I’ll find a way, she pointed out and walked to him before placing a passionate kiss on his lips. A little salty tear got mixed in the kiss. ”This isn’t fair..” her voice cracked as she leaned her head towards his chest. Vanya closed her eyes and just held him close. She was terrified of letting him go and it showed.

Was Lion happy about this? Not one bit. He was leaving Vanya again and it broke his heart. They have been steady since they got here. Sure, a lot of bad things had happened, but it had never put a strain on their relationship. They had grown stronger for each day. He did as she asked and didn’t say it. He wasn’t ready to. The past few weeks, Lion had tried to spend as much time with his friends as possible, and especially paid much attention to Vanya and Mariella. He had made his time with them special, taken Vanya on all the dates he had planned for them. ”I know you won’t.” His heart was breaking, it had been for the last two weeks, but this right here, was what did it. His heart was shattering in his chest and he didn’t think he had the strength to pick it back together, not without Vanya and everyone there to help him. Maybe his heart was best broken considering the situation he was walking into. He held her close when she kissed him, not minding the saltiness of it. He put his arms around her when the kiss ended. He needed to remember this, how she felt, her smell, her kiss, her voice. If he forgot her, he wouldn’t survive. ”Life rarely is,” he added with a sigh. ”Everyone else has been through so much. I can’t let anyone go through any more pain,” He was lucky in hell. He didn’t go through that much. It had been worse for Marie and Reggie, Jamie had been through hell and Karmena… He didn’t even know where to start with her. He had to do it he was the only one who could. That’s what he thought at least. ”I don’t know how to express my love for you. It’s so much bigger than words,” he said trying to explain his feelings for her. He kissed the top of her head. ”Will you dance with me?” He suggested. He had never been much for dancing, but he always did when Vanya asked him to.

So much had happened, and she hadn’t even had time to tell all about wonderland- only a few stories. She had been away from him for a year, and now she was forced to go on without him again. Vanya wasn’t sure she could survive it. And she didn’t want to live without him. Vanya could feel the strong emotions and it was the same as hers. He asked if she would dance with him and she breathed unsteady out.
”Always,” she took a deep breath in to collect herself. Vanya in her heart knew they always would find their way back to each other, but it seemed like it was going to be a long road before they would cross paths again. but she wouldn’t give up.

Lion wanted her to be okay. There was a way to make sure of that, but he wasn’t sure he could do it. Erasing their relationship from her mind seemed so final, but it was a way to make sure she was going to be okay without him. He just had to gather courage to do it, and he wasn’t there yet. He took her hand and put the other on her lower back, slowly swaying with her. He tried to be strong for her, but he was so close to breaking it was hard to do so. ”It will be okay,” he promised her. He leaned his cheek on the top of her head, just holding her close. He didn’t even care there wasn’t any music, he just needed to have her close while he still could.

He tried to strong for her, and she knew that. He knew how much she had missed him, a year without had been difficult and this was just unbearable. ”No it’s not,” she exhaled feeling the pressure of the world on their shoulders. Vanya took a deep breath in, just having him close in these moments meant everything. Vanya took a deep breath in just letting her tears out dancing to the beats of her unsteady heart beat.
”I love you more than anything,” she whispered with her cheek against his chest. Vanya felt heart broken by the thought about this, she couldn’t remember ever feeling this broken before.

Lion took a deep breath in when she didn’t agree with him. He knew it, she wasn’t going to be okay without him, just like he wouldn’t be okay without her. But he wanted her to be. He needed her to be. He kept moving with her. ”I didn’t know what love was before we kissed,” he admitted. She was his first love. ”I want to do something,” he said and moved away from her in order to look into her eyes. ”There is a lot of things I wanted to do with you. I have them all here,” he said and touched his temple. ”I want to share them with you.” He wanted to, god he wanted to, but he had to believe they would get a chance to live them for real. Until then, he had to do what was best for her. She had to forget they were ever together. ”Will you let me in?” He tried so hard to not let it show how much his plan affected him. He knew she would stop him, if he didn’t seem optimistic about it. She would feel a small amount of happiness from him, she might think it was because of the memories, but really it was because he could take away some of her pain. Sadness was still the dominating emotion, but there was some happiness mixed in there, happy she didn’t have to be sad.

She wished she would wake up right now, and everything was just a bad dream. Vanya bit her lower lip. "You are my first love.. you are the first person I loved.. the person I'll always love," she breathed out feeling her voice crack. Vanya looked up into his eyes and took another deep breath in, trying to stop her heart from feeling everything around her. A little smile hinted on her lips, as he spoke about all the thoughts and plans he had for them. Vanya lifted a brow slowly as he wanted to share them with her, and she moved a hand to his cheek and caressed it while looking into his eyes. They were both feeling so sad, and the feeling dominated the entire room. Vanya tip toed up and placed a kiss on his lips as she opened her mind to him. It was the easiest way for her to let go, the kiss was small, tender and filled with everysingle emotion she felt for him - waving over him in the few seconds the kiss lasted. Vanya pulled slowly back and looked into his eyes. Her eyes wet from the tears that still slowly ran down her cheeks.
"Then show me," she whispered with a little smirk trying to be a little positive for him.

A small smile fell to his lips brought forward by her words. ”I hope I have been worthy of your love,” he said. A sigh left him when she touched his cheek. He felt so at home right here with you. The thought of him destroying his home, was heart wrenching.  He returned the kiss. He felt it, everything. Every time he had hurt her, every time he had made her heartbeat faster, every time she had felt happy. All of it was right there on her lips, and she somehow shared it with him. He wiped away a tear from her cheek, before his own started to pile up in his eyes. He leaned his lips to hers again. He kissed her like it was for the last time, as it might as well be. He saw her memories. First it was their very first kiss. He saw how he put socks on her feet.
”Does that mean we are engaged now?” He had asked her, not aware how much he had wished for it now. He wanted to be with Vanya forever if he could. He had then removed an eyelash from her cheek and prompted her to make a wish. Then the kiss. He had wanted her so badly back then. That feeling hadn’t disappeared, but he had no idea how much she would turn out to mean to him. She was the only one he wanted, the only one he loved romantically.
"Can I kiss you again?" She didn’t need to ask. He had kissed her so passionately, but what really surprised him in a good way was her, how she took control of the situation. They ended up in the bedroom. That night was so important to him. He used his power to whisk it all away. Instead she would remember them sitting on the couch platonically, until they went to bed separately.
Onto the next memory. She was angry. She didn’t feel anything. He changed that, he kissed her passionately and made her feel all he was, everything. He was delivering it to her. She demanded more and he gave it to her.
It changed. There was no kiss. He had talked to her, he had told everything he had felt, every single thing. The whole reason for her anger had changed as well. Amaryllis hadn’t discovered their secret relationship, she had pushed Vanya away, because she didn’t feel the way Amary did, because Vanya had been interested in someone else. Someone that wasn’t Lion. Every flirty banter had been replaced with friendly one. The words remained the same, but there was nothing romantic behind them.
Their few fights were altered. She was angry at him, he was angry at her, but never because of their love. Because of their friendship. She didn’t think he should have chosen Jasmine’s side, he tried to explain why he did.
They had sat in beds, couches, but never in a cuddly way. He might have put his hand behind her, but she had never leaned against him, they had never locked hands, they had never kissed, hugged for too long or stroked each other’s hands. Every ‘I love you’ had turned into ‘I am happy we’re friends.’
The last memory was one of the most recent. She had taken him to the wall with locks.
”You are so adorable.” – ”I love you so much” They kissed. "I love you more," she had said and poked his nose.
That whole memory was removed.
He moved out of the kiss and took the lock they had hung together up from his pocket. "Goodbye," he said as the kiss ended. He put the lock into her hand, before he left her. He just had to get out while he still had the courage to. He rapidly walked towards the front door, where he had placed a bag with some of his things.

She felt in the kiss. Something was off, but before she realized it her memories were altered. Vanya felt her heart skip a beat as it broke into pieces she couldn't figure out. But somehow it felt whole and broken at the same time. The kiss ended in a goodbye, but as she opened her eyes she just watched him leave. Vanya narrowed her eyes and wiped her tears away. Vanya looked around her and then at the lock in her hands, didn't understand what or where it came from. It must have been some sort of friendship present. She walked over and placed it in one of her draws before exhaling. Why was she this sad? Vanya walekd out of her room and went to the kitchen to make a cup of tea. She needed that right not.

"Hey Lion, stop," Theo watched Lion run to the front door and ran through the house walls just to have a chance to stop him. Why did his best friend walk out with a bag on his back? What was going on? He knew something was off. But this was extremely off. "What the heck are you doing?"

Lion felt his heart break more for each step he took away from Vanya. He picked up the bag and threw it over his shoulder, before he heard Theo. He wiped away the tears that was beginning to run and turned to him. ”I need to go away Theo,” he simply said and looked towards Vanya’s room. ”Take care of her for me,” he said and put the bag down on the ground again. ”She won’t remember our relationship. Can you help me keep it that way?” He walked closer to his best friend. ”She can’t follow me. None of you can. It will be okay, I will be okay. Trust me.” He wrapped his arms around his friend and squeezed a little too tight. ”I need to go. She is waiting for me.” He took the bag and walked out the house.

"What..No Lion," Theo shook his head. "I.. I don't understand," he was so confused about what was going on. Why was his friends constantly hurting.
"I promise," he mumbled but gave Lion a nod as he walked closer to him. He could see he was in pain, and he didn't like it. "What do I say to Mariella?" He asked confused. "What do I say to everyone?" he wrapped his arms around Lion. Theo had never been afraid to hug his friends, and he wasn't afraid to tighten his grib on Lion to show him he cared and didn't want to let him go.
"At least let me follow you some of the way," he said as he teared a bit up. He was in no mood for losing or almost losing more friends. "One day you will have to stop sacrificing yourself for us," he mumbled.

Lion had hoped to not run into anyone. It was easier that way. He was afraid somebody would be able to talk him out of it. ”I’m sorry,” he just said. He didn’t know what was going to happen himself, so how could he give any details about it? ”She knows.” He sighed and put a hand on the back of his neck. ”The truth. We all want each other to stop hurting. That’s what I’m trying to do,” he explained and held him closer than he normally would. He generally wasn’t very affectionate with his friends, but he just wanted to hug him while he still could. ”I’d like that,” he said walked out the door with him. ”In another world, maybe I wouldn’t have to.” He didn’t want to sacrifice himself, but if he didn’t, somebody else would. ”I deleted Vanya’s memories,” he started out, really beginning to feel the loss. ”She will only remember me as her friend. I don’t want to put any pressure on you, but she can’t remember. She will come for me. Can you and the others try to make sure that doesn’t happens?”

"Don't say fucking sorry, or I'll cut you up like the fish you are," he pointed out. Theo was tired of his friends was falling like domino pieces. He couldn't handle this for much longer. He nodded when he said Mariella already knew, that was good. At least Lion wanted him to tell the truth.
"I'm not sure you understand the word: we all want. That means you shouldn't be hurting either," he pointed out and shook his head. Theo just embraced Lions tight hug. It seemed like a goodbye, and he hated that. They walked out the door and outside. Lion told he had deleted Vanyas memories. Theo looked shocked.
"You are on deep waters Lion," he said and looked a bit serious at his friend. "You know one day, when she realizes you have deleted that choice from her - she wont forgive you, or she will. But its gonna take time," he added and breathed out. It was Theos choice. "We can try. I just hope you know what you have done. Breaking up with one person is one thing.. deleting the whole thing is another. Even when you get back here.. who is to say its the same person you return back to?" He maybe tried to convince Lion to stay with using his emotions towards Vanya. It was a bit manipulative, but it was also the truth. Theo was much deeper into this than people often gave him credit for. And it showed at his moment.

Lion understood why Theo was angry, but he didn’t need to feel worse than he already did. But he also didn’t want to fight, so he just let it slide. He sighed by his next word. He shouldn’t be hurting, he could only agree to that, but he wasn’t sure he would. He didn’t know why, but Nimue hadn’t struck him as a torture kind of person. He couldn’t know for sure. Maybe it was just hopeful thinking. She was Lucifer’s daughter after all. He had once thought that was a bad thing, until he learned Melania was the devil’s daughter. If she could turn out a good person, maybe there was hope for Nimue as well.

He swallowed by his words. He looked back at the house. ”What have I done?” He said in a lowered voice. He walked back towards the house. He needed to fix this. He needed to make sure she remembered. What if he had just destroyed any chance of them being together? The thought of her moving on from him make a knot grow in his stomach. He had just made a big mistake. ”I can fix it,” he said and walked faster towards the house.

Theo didn't want things to end like this, and he knew how impulsive Lion could be when it came to choices like this. It wasn't the first time he had let Vanya go, this time he had just made a horrible discision - according to Theo. It also seemed like he had gotten some sense into Lion, as he watched his friend walk back to the house.
"Not so fast," a voice said from the corner of the woods. "You had 10 days," she reminded him and watched Theo and Lion. Theo was ready to attack, but a part of him had not forgotten what happened last time he saw the two sisters. "Your 10 days are up - just come now, and there will be no trouble," she added and turned her eyes to Theo. She had promised to keep his friends somewhat safe, if he would just come with her.
"Get your friend to calm down, before I give him something to sleep on."