I was on the outside always looking in

Everything had been grey and dull since Nick had died. She hadn’t found much happiness with being alive and had closed herself off more and more; the only one actually being able to get her out of the house had been Riley, and then, of course, Aleks had swung by a couple of times. It had been short trips around the forest where Riley had made her forget everything, even if it had only been the hours he had been with her, and then he had to go home, and she was alone again. Just like when Aleks were by, it was a couple of hours was she forgot everything, and then there was just this black hole of nothing. She was even questioning at this point why she was even alive if the ’blessing’ had turned out to be more a ‘curse’ if anything.

Once again, she had been sitting by the window looking out; today, she counted to five times Aaron had come and passed her door; twice he had knocked and asked if there was something she needed, and she had just shaken her head. She understood that this wasn’t living, but she was just so scared to go out and meet new people. As if something had come over her, she got up from the window and walked to her door. “I’m going out”, she called, and as if she needed to sprint to even make it, she rushed down the stairs and outside.

She had no idea how long she had just walked aimlessly around, kicking branches and rocks that were on her path. What a fucking mess this was; she stopped by a large lake and looked at its surface. What if she just ventured out there, let the darkness consume her once and for all.

ATTIRE | Link
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Every single day felt like the same, and yet it was completely different. Lexie had come to realize this, and instead of trying to break the evil circle, she got stuck in a hole of jealousy. Not the best look on her. How could she not be a bit jealous? Everywhere she went it seemed like someone was happy with someone, people were in relationships, together, thriving and here she was, hugging a tree if it was some sort of commitment - not that she hugged a tree, but it would be the closest to some sort of affection - if only she was that desperate. But seriously, it was like she couldn't turn a corner, just ending up feeling more and more cursed by the day. But it was fine, Lexie had decided that it wasn't for her. It was cool. Lexie kicked a stone on that thought and pushed those silly little thoughts out of her head and exhaled again.

Lexie kept walking further into the woods, just walking, then it was like something familiar surrounded the area she was in, or close by. Nature knew it as a friend. And then through the bushes Alexandra saw her, like a ghost just standing waiting for someone to approach her. "Lara?" She asked. Who knew, maybe Lexie had just gotten crazy over the last few months and she was now seeing ghosts?

She had been standing in her own little world, so she hadn’t even noticed that someone was nearing her. Then someone spoke her name, and how could you not react to it? It was after all the name her mother and father had given her, and even though she had said to herself over and over, that Lara was dead, and she was now Aurora, there were just some things that could never really erase themselves no matter how much she wanted them too.
Turning to look at Alexandra she already knew she had made a mistake, she had reacted to Lara, not Aurora. Blinking a little her mind was already raising trying to figure out how she could weasel herself out of this; “Sorry” she whispered, then she turned and started walking away, in the hopes that Alexandra would just take her sorry as she had no idea who she was or what she was talking about. Either way, normal people didn’t just talk to strangers in the forest, did you?

She reacted. Perhaps first mistake in not making Lexie act. Lexie understood how it felt like finding yourself after you had died, she had tried it three times too many. So, they could talk about it? Right? "What - " Lexie blinked a little as Lara then just turned and started walking away. "What - where you going? Don't you dare just walk away from me," she yelled after the shapeshifter. One of her good friends, someone she had grieved over when learned was dead. No matter the sense of small bitterness when Lara and Howie had started dating, no matter what kind of conflicts they might have some to find over the years. Lara had been her friend either way. Always. Even with the tales of what had happened and what she had said to have done. Lexie just wished Lara had come to her. "Don't pretend you don't know me please, please," she felt a half choked sob take up the space in her throat.

Her jaw tensed as her teeth clenched together; she heard how Lexie reacted; if she were being honest, she would have done the same. It wasn’t fair; she knew it, oh how she knew. But that didn’t mean that she could handle this, nor wanted to.
But like always, Lexie didn’t give up; it had never been in the witch’s nature, the only time where Lara had seen her give up had been when she had gotten the mate mark, and it hadn’t spelt to Howie’s name. That day might have been the only time she saw the young blond defeated. Now she could hear it again as she begged her not to pretend that she didn’t know her. She stopped filling her lungs with air; it pressed painfully against her chest as she stood there. Folding her lips, she closed her eyes before turning and looking straight into Lexie’s eyes. “All right, so now what, now you know I’m alive, what good does it do” she spread out her arms and let them fall down her sides, she knew it was harsh, how she wished she didn’t sound so cruel, but there was no energy left in her to pretend to be nice right now.

She stopped, and for a short second Lexie didn't know if it was for better or for worse. Her heart was beating with such force that she almost began to fear it would rip itself free from its cage. Then she turned around, looking into her eyes. "What good does it do?" Alexandra blinked a little and tried to remove the  despondent expression those words seemed to pull over the witch by shaking her head a little. "You honestly think that we will all be better off thinking you were dead? Seriously?" Lexie pinched her lips realizing just how sharp the tone of her voice had been. Death. She knew death rather well at this point, and despite the fact that she now had her parents back, it didn't take away the entire experience of losing them in the first place. The entire coven that had been slaughtered, had as well been her friends, people she had been raised around. Not that Lara knew she had found them, they hadn't even been talking. "You could have come to me - Why didn't you come to me?" Not because Lexie was much different when pushed into a corner, she would rather leave and keep the world away - wasn't that why she as well had travelled and moved away? So perhaps it was wrong for her to say that Lara could have come to her back then when she hadn't even been home since last year herself. But if she had gotten a call to tell her that she was needed, she would have been back sooner. But Lexie had also come to realize she was never the first person to be called or picked in any given situation. So, she doubted it would have made a difference. "What happens now? I can't just pretend that I haven't seen you, so many people grieve you - myself included."

She set her jaw so tight that she was afraid she might pull a muscle. Talking about everything, thinking that she was dead, yes, she thought everyone would be better off believing she was dead. “Oh please, like anyone here isn’t convinced that I killed my parents and sisters as if there is really anyone that really grieves me, like it’s really anything more than the concept of a friend that is dead, that you have something to connect with each other about, how sad that Lara is dead, how young she was, but at least she is with her family now” she spit out, not believing for one second that people in this town liked her nor would grieve her as they would a real friend. What bullshit, if they were actually her friend, they would have been there when she had needed it. They would have been outside the police station when she was taken in, demanding to speak with her. But no one had come; no one had tried to find her after.
“Lara is dead; get it into your thick skull”, she sneered, not wanting to have this conversation again. “My name is Aurora Shaw, not Lara McKenzie”, she added, she was cruel, yes, but she honestly had no energy left to be anything else.

The whole speech she wanted to listen, but she also didn't want to listen. Lexie had been on the other side of the world when it all had went down. She hadn't even been on the list of the people who knew at first hand, no one ever told her anything. So, she didn't say a word, not at first, it was when Lara started to sneer at her that something triggered, just putting a finger in the sand and drawing a line to jump over it. "Then Aurora can fuck off," she replied back as all the emotion started to leave her face, leaving her with an icy glare, "because  I only wanted to talk to my friend, and you are not her. So, go," she waved Lara off, holding back rather well how this was slowly tearing her down. "Get the fuck away then," she hissed in a higher pitched voice, wanting noting more than to just lash her arms out, but also knew she had to hold it together not to let the magic get out of hand. Alexandra folded her hands into fists slowly to suppress the waves of energy starting to built up, but her mind body connection had never been the greatest. But for now, just for now she was able to keep everything settled. Just for now.

Her facial features relaxed and she looked at Alexandra as if there were no emotions on her face to show the sea of frustration and sorrow that was spreading in her chest. “Yeah, there it is,” she said, not having the same anger in her voice anymore “there it is” she underlined what she had just said and shook her head before letting out an emotionless laugh before she titled her head and looked at her former friend. “Grief is easier to stay with than see what is left after your so-called friend is gone; I think it’s funny how people think that it’s their feelings that are more important than the ones that actually went through the experience; maybe if you had stopped to think about why I didn’t want anyone knowing I was alive, then maybe I wouldn’t be so mean, and then we could have talked about it – but no, no one really cares, they only want what fits their own selfish needs” she could of course just have walked away, but if she was being honest she most of all just wanted to make sure that Alexandra didn’t go around telling anyone. “Why does you or anyone else deserve to know that Lara might be alive? Ever stop to think about that, hm? There might be a reason I’m walking around with another name, trying to start a new chapter? Nah, I didn’t think so, you; you just wanted your friend back, but maybe that friend died the day her parents did, and what was left her finally got rest when she was killed, only to then be forced to live again. Hence, you know what, you go, you get the fuck away” she could feel how the ground underneath them trembled; she had always had a strong telekinetic force after she had gotten the ability to feed on auras; well, it hadn’t made it less unpredictable. Together with Alexandra’s powers, she wasn’t even sure what kind of destruction the two girls could make.

She lashed out at her again, and Lexie took a sharper breath in, feeling the ground beneath her gaining in her, but she stood her ground. She really did try to stand her ground the best, tried not to argue. Trying not to let the last bit of anger get the best of her, tears caught up in her eyes. "Oh, so now you’re gonna blame me and my selfish needs for this? Go fuck yourself," she began keeping her eyes straight at Lara, taking a daring step closer, she really shouldn't. "That loneliness just before you go, and you wake up and discovering everything around you is one big bloody giant mess of things you don't understand or can possibly can navigate in? Yeah guess what, you are not the only one who has died around her and come back - we all got battle scars around here, so suck it up," she warned, feeling how her heart rate was set to explode in any given moment. Because no, there was always one moment after when you died where you thought you were in hell and then realized you were back. Not because Lexie wasn't grateful for the life she did have, sometimes life was just a never ending battle of things. If it wasn't the world playing against you, it was your own mind. A never ending battle if you asked Lexie. Lexie exhaled a bit, "no I don't know how you died, or what happened to you or what possibly had made you change your entire identity But I'm damn right sure it  wasn’t right, the way it all went down," she urged hearing a how the ground started to shake enough for a tree to split in half, not far from them before she could continue. Gasping a little by the shock, making her clench her fists even tighter before redirecting her eyes back to Lara.

“Oh right, because you could possibly understand what it’s like, just because you died and came back!? Or what – did you wake up in the forest, naked with no one to turn to, not a single soul that you could reach out to, only to be found by a man that was kind enough to take you in, and then despite really trying to get back into the real world, you then had to watch your boyfriend's heart being ripped out of his chest in front of you!? No!? I didn’t fucking think so!” she shouted, not even caring about the tree that was split in half somewhere behind her. “And sure, you had your fair share of things you needed to go through, but you still have your father, and last I checked, you still had Aleks and Sebastian, too” her lips pulled back as a painful stab forced itself through her heart as if someone was squeezing the air out of her lungs. “I was murdered after having my mind altered so I would sleep with Nicole’s father, and when he was done taking as much of my soul as he pleased, then his lovely wife came and kissed my lips, and I died, and now I’m left here in this fucking disgusting world, having to eat off other people’s auras because my soul is so fucking messed with, that I can’t breathe! Lexie, I can’t even fucking breathe; every time I do, it hurts!” tears were gliding down her cheeks. “All I wanted was a fresh start, I didn’t even want Aleks to know, and I just, I just wanted to start over and not be this girl with all of these bad memories, and even when I tried to do that, somehow everything I touch ends up dying, so excuse me for just – just for once have something where I felt like it was mine, without it being taken away” her voice was almost like a whimper now as she stood there not even knowing what to do with herself anymore. She just wanted to disappear, to die and never come back. That was what she wanted.

Another wave of words, and expressions of emotions that Lexie couldn't even grab around. She couldn't even stir through the words before new ones started to manifest and slowly, Lexie just found herself on the deep ocean without shore ahead not knowing how to swim back to a place where she could stand steady and just listen. Wait there was something she could grab onto, and once again Lexie forced herself away from the thoughts of being completely overwhelmed, Nicole's father - James Miles, then the next thing hit her, James' wife. Her very own great-grandmother. Not that she ever had met Rebekah, and well with the stories going around, she did not have any interest in doing so either. Lexie licked her lips in frustration and pinched her lips. But then. I didn’t even want Aleks to know. Aleks knew? She did a very small sharp turn with her head, pressed her brows together, but one could thank the float of words from making Lexie take on that sentence first hand. Lexie could feel the emotion just boil in her system, making her stomach turn and her heart hit so hard through her ribcage that she expected it to burst within seconds.

Then Lexie just walked over towards her, didn't really let anything stop her, she just took the final steps, and grabbed onto Lara's hand and lifted it up to grab around it with both her hands. "You are not going to kill everything you touch, and if so, I'm cursed with immortality bitch. You can't just remove me from the chessboard without some over dramatically divine move," her eyes kept themselves locked on Lara's.

It was clear that the touch scared Aurora, almost flinching at it, but she didn’t pull away. Looking up into her friend's eyes, she was lost for words for a moment. She had no idea what to say or do because it was hard; it was so god damn hard to live with this every day. Her lip started quivering, and then she looked away from Alexandra’s eyes, feeling the tears stream down her cheeks.
“I’m just scared” she finally whispered, not knowing how else to describe the feeling she was going through. “I’m scared that I will never be anything else than this girl that has death hanging over her head, scared that I’ll lose everything again” she closed her eyes and tried to fill her lungs, but just like she had described before, it hurt her chest and made it almost impossible to actually breathe probably. Then she took a step closer and placed her head against Alexandra’s shoulder.

Alexandra wasn't good at this either, far from, she hated being vulnerable or feeling like she wasn't as strong as she was supposed to be. But seeing Lara, Aurora or what she called herself these days, like this, it was a feeling she had yet to find out what was. But she understood the feeling of being afraid and feeling alone. "I know you feel like you’re alone and I’m not going to invalidate that," she whispered and exhaled a bit, feeling Aurora's head fall onto her shoulder, "but I can tell you that I’m here. And I care, and help if you’ll let me." One arm moved around the shapeshifter's back, keeping her close while the other hand supported the back of her head, letting her own cheek on top of Aurora's head.  

For a moment, she just stood there, not saying anything; even though she had heard the witch’s voices and the message she wanted to get through, it was hard to accept it. She even felt guilty for not being able to, which wasn’t the best combination stirred into the pot of all of this.  
For a moment longer, Aurora allowed herself not to do anything, but then finally, she closed her arms around Lexie’s waist and pulled her into a hug instead. A silent crying left her as she let herself feel absolutely vulnerable at last, something she had tried to avoid ever since Nick had died.

Finally, she moved away, drying off her tears. “I don’t live far from here, want to come home for a cup of tea? Then I can explain” she whispered still not fully being able to look into her friends eyes, her fingers hugging each other while she waited for an answer.

She just stood there with her arms around Aurora's smaller frame, not even sure if this was the right thing to do, or if she was supposed to do more - be more. But the second that she felt the shapeshifter's arms around her waist, it was like something just clicked. Just standing there in the silence for a moment.

When she moved away, she felt like a part of her left with Aurora too. Aurora, it was odd not to think about Lara as Lara anymore, but perhaps that was what they needed to do so she could move further. It was what she had done herself, wasn't it. She had stopped responding to Alexandra the second she had lost her parents, she had been Lexie. Just Lexie. And now her birth name was something she had taken to her again. So, step by step, one at the time. Lexie kept her eyes on Aurora, able to notice how she failed to maintain eye contact fully, which was to be understood. Looking into someone's eyes had the feeling as if they could see your entire soul. But without thinking too much about it, both her hands had cupped Aurora's face, letting her thumbs run over the smooth skin for a second, "I would like that Aurora," she whispered with a softer smile, letting her know she was going to accept the fact that she was turning a new leaf.

She felt how hands cupped her face, and with a sad smile, she finally looked up and let her eyes meet Lexie’s. It would be obvious how she was trying to hold back tears, with how her lips pulled back, and she had to revert her eyes again. Nodding, she turned and took the witch’s hand. It wasn’t like she had a good reason to hold Lexie’s hand, but maybe it was that slight fear of losing the witch, and by holding her hand, she could make sure she didn’t just disappear. It was one of the things she remembered repeatedly, how she had let go of Nick’s hand. If she had just held it close, if she had just never let him leave her, then maybe she could have prevented all of it.

It didn’t take long before she had managed to get them home to Aaron’s hut. She gave her a small smile before walking over and opening it. “Hello, I brought a friend with me home”, she called out before motioning Lexie that she could sit by the dining table before she walked into the kitchen and put the kettle over. Just realising then that that might have been the first words she had spoken for a very long time. Well, at least words that were more than no.

Aurora took her hand, and Lexie found herself giving it a small assuring squeeze. Then following the way she was leading them, finding the comfort of walking around nature despite the emotional rollercoaster they had been on moments ago. They reached the hut, and a warmer smile spread across the witch's lips. It seemed so cozy. Lexie could sense the energies of the vampire, perhaps it from the dark energy that spread out the room, even so it wasn't dreading, more warm - completely unlike how darkness would feel typically. And Lexie just sat herself down by the dinner table letting her eyes wander a little around.

Aaron had been somewhat quiet lately, mostly concerned about his daughter and what she was going through. Just waiting and wishing for the moment the world would stop throwing stones at her, because he wanted to protect her from all this harm and hurt, but nothing he really did could protect her from just everything. But hearing her voice speak an actual sentence had made him walk out to the kitchen, not that he didn't check up on her, but he was almost shocked to hear her talk so he had to see it for himself. Looking out to the living room where the witch was sitting, giving her a small wink and welcoming smile, "well enjoy yourselves, I was planning on us going to get some things for dinner - but I will just go, and you to can drink tea or whatever, you can stay for dinner if you would like," his lips pulled up into a bigger smile before he made his way towards the door to get going. "He seems nice," was the first thing Lexie spoke when the vampire had left again. Because she well didn't know the relation Aurora had to the vampire after all.

Aurora’s eyes narrowed even further than they already were from natural, there was something about how he was behaving that came off as weird, and when he got out of the door, she hummed clearly not really listening as Lexie called Aaron nice. “He's acting weird”, she mumbled, even though she might think about how she herself had been acting the last couple of weeks, and she would get the answer.
She shook her head and then let her tongue run over her lips. “But yeah, he is nice,” she said as a smile formed over her lips. “He found me after”, her brows furrowed “you know”, she added, letting out a soft sigh as she took the kettle and filled it up with water and then put it on so it could boil the water. Then she turned and walked over to the table and sat down; she started picking at her fingernails while she thought about what she should say. “I’m sorry that I blew up like that”, she whispered, then looking up and giving Lexie a small smile; maybe if she explained that it was rooted in the fact that Aleks had told her that Nicole had almost killed herself because of guilt, and she felt like she couldn’t just have her own selfish reasons to staying dead for herself, not that she had agreed to actually meet with Nicole, where she also kindly remembered Aleks that he had promised, now she wasn't sure if he had told Nicole or not. Still, when she had found out he had thought about it, well, the idea about running away had only become stronger.

Lexie nodded a little bit, Aaron had been the one finding her. She after all knew what an emotional connection you could make to the people finding you after you'd died. After all that was what Ash had back when the coven had been burned down and everyone had died. Despite having her parents back in good shape after all of those years now, she still time to time had nightmares of that night - because it was still a lot of years where she hadn't known they were back, where it was just a black hole in her heart that couldn't be filled till now, or at least it tried now. "It's okay, me off all people would know a thing or two about blowing up when emotionally frustrated," she replied back sitting herself a bit more back in her seat and took a sharper breath in, then exhaling again. "I'm just glad we didn't make the entire forest blow up," she pulled a little chuckle trying to push just a little bit of humor into the intense fight they had been at moments ago.

Aurora let out a short dry laugh, mostly because she wouldn’t have put it passed them that they might have ended up doing just that. Blowing things up because it was easier than talking about the feelings that were going on inside of their hearts and heads, “then we at least can tell people that things could have turned out much worse,” she said with a soft smile, her eyes found a spot on the table, seemed like something had burned off a small chip of it, not that she found it very fascinating, but it was more because she had come to a point where she had no idea how to act or what to say. How could she explain, should she even do so? She could, of course, ask Lexie what she wanted to know and then try to clarify what had happened in the best way possible. But she wasn’t even sure that she could do that or how to even begin.
At least not more than she had already told, which had mostly because she had been pushed far enough. Turning around as the water finally told her that it was ready to be poured over the tea bags. When that was done, she walked to the table and sat down with a soft exhale. “There we are” she whispered and pushed the blue cup toward the witch.

Lexie exhaled a little bit, licking her lips for a short moment just waiting for Aurora to return to the table. It was hard trying to change the perspective of who she was now and who she had been. But she tried her best to push her mind into getting to know this new version, giving her a softer smile as she placed the cup in front of her. "Thank you," she replied taking the cup and exhaled. "And you don't have to explain anything to me, we aren't what happens to us, we are what we do about it," not because she didn't have a somewhat desire to know what had happened, and yet she didn't. Death wasn't to be messed with, it wasn't like she revisited her own deaths. Alexandra picked up the cup and blew gently on the hot brew to cool it down.

Aurora nodded and looked down at the cup; she was relieved that she didn’t have to explain anything, but something told her that she had to at some point, and while sitting here in comfortable surroundings might be as good as any place.
With a small sigh, she let her fingers run through her black hair and then looked back up at her. “I rather you just ask your questions than I know that they are lingering somewhere behind your forehead” she tried to lift her lips into a smile, not that she succeeded, and she quickly looked back down at the cup nestled between her hands. She wished this was easier for her, but she didn't even know which foot to stand on with everything that had gone down the last couple of months. How to behave as much like it, which was why she had told Aleks she didn’t want anyone to know and why she had become slightly upset that he wanted to tell Nicole. She deserved to have this in peace, or at least until she had processed everything. Maybe if Nick had still been here, she could have—but not right now. Perhaps it was because she still felt him nearby that made it so hard for her to move on. The constant feeling of him trying to tell her something, even if she could maybe guess what it was—it was enough to make her stand still in life as it passed her by.

"I will ask my questions when they pop up then, right now my mind is just racing to put everything together to be fair," she confessed, never really minded telling that things were buzzing in her head. After all, she was known to have more on her mind than she gave away. And Lexie was still comprehending that Aleks had known about all of this, but she chose not to put a finger on it. Maybe there was a reason, just like there was a reason for everything if you looked hard enough and believed every single little excuse in the book. There was people Lexie wanted to tell as well, first and most importantly Howie crossed her mind - of course he crossed her mind. She lifted the cup up and blew gently at the tea to cool it a bit, nipping it a little bit, but it was far to hot to drink just like that. "So, where do we go from here?" She wondered. Lexie knew she could tell hundreds of stories about how it would do no good to keep your own death faked, it only harmed the people that you loved and left horrible scars. She would know, she had believed her parents had been dead most of her life - it had left scars she never talked about.

Aurora nodded slowly when Alexandra confessed that it was hard for her to figure out where even to start; she understood that—at least she understood that.
Where did they go from here? Aurora looked down at the cup between her hands; for a moment, she had no words for Lexie, maybe because she was afraid of what would happen if she finally agreed to let the people she had known before her death see that she was still alive. Especially after she had denied the possibility of allowing Nicole to know. Knowing very well that it would put Aleks in a situation that would be very hard for him, but at that time, she had decided to think about herself, and what had happened after that hadn’t really helped the situation.
“I don’t know”, she whispered honestly and pulled one of her shoulders slightly up, feeling rather uncomfortable with the entire idea of people slowly getting to know that Lara hadn’t died; what if Rebekah and James came after her? Not that she thought they would, but that fear was also there. “I, I need a little more time”, she whispered, still not looking up from her cup, afraid to see the disappointment in Lexie’s facial expression.