I wish I could be a better me for you

Place: Mathclass, ish
Date and time: 09/05/2022, evening
Weather: Very windy.
Outfit: Baggy jeans, white short tank top, yellow shirt The top of her hair is up in a bun.
Dedicated to: @Kemuel Nelson
Notes: 160cm tall, dark brown eyes

Taylor fiddled with her little crumbled note. In it was written a message she wanted to give Kemuel. A simple one, if they could talk. She wanted just to innocently drop it on the desk that he was going to be sitting at, but things didn’t go as planned and she didn’t have the courage to just drop it by his desk. What if he told her she had dropped it? Wouldn’t it be completely stupid if she then suddenly said no it’s for you? Because then everyone in the whole classroom would know that she was trying to give him secret notes and-

The bell rang, and she sat up with wide eyes. No. She had to do it now. She was quick to push her things into her bag, hoping it wouldn’t crumble. That would simply be the worst. “Wait-” her voice was too quiet for anyone to hear or care about when everyone was leaving for the recess. She shoved her bag onto her shoulders and quickly moved towards the crowd, feeling how her heart picked up speed. She reached out for him, only grazing his t-shirt when someone stepped in front of her. “No- I-” She tried to snake herself through the crowd of students when suddenly she walked straight into him. “Oh jeez,” she stumbled back, “Hey, sorry. I-” she lost her words for a second but stepped towards him, so he wouldn’t think that she just was busy going somewhere else, “Can I talk to you?” she spoke softly.

Was he being a little pissier these days than others? Maybe, he couldn’t even tell; he had never been good at summers because that typically meant that he was forced outside. Being outside just brought so many unresolved issues with them that he would rather just avoid it all together than actually deal with it.
Now, math had never been his strong suit, but even if you weren’t good at something, you had to give it a try, right?
Then the bell rang, and he packed his things together; even though he was sitting in the back of the class, he was still the first one out. Even if he hadn’t gotten the same physical appearance as Zadkiel, he at least had gotten the long legs making him faster than most in this class. He hadn’t even felt that fingers had tried to drag him back; it was only when he had to stop because some students ran into each other for fun in front of him that he felt someone collide with his back. He turned around and saw the person he had been avoiding the last couple of months; so far, he had succeeded, even though it had still earned him a punch or two from that shit boyfriend Hunter, or whatever his name had been.
With a sigh, he let his hand gently take her shoulder and pushed her aside as people came flocking out, almost pressing them against the lockers. “Sure”, he mumbled, looking around, “but I don’t think we’ll get out of this mass of people any time soon”, he grunted as someone elbowed him in the side. He didn’t even notice how he subconsciously ensured that she was getting more space than he was.

Taylor followed immediately as he guided her to the side. She looked over her shoulder to see the people who came down the hall. She swallowed a small lump as he mentioned that he didn’t believe that they would get out of the crowd anytime soon. She noticed how he grunted as someone hit him, while he made sure that she had more than enough space. She could feel how she wanted to call the person out, but instead, her voice tied knots on itself. She hummed a little thoughtfully as she straightened up a little. “I can-” she tried to figure out how to place her hands. Finally, she managed to place her hands on his shoulders and turned him, so he had his back toward the lockers, and she stood with her back against everyone that was passing. She quickly felt how someone walked into her backpack and turned a little to it. “I- I think it’ll do,” she spoke softly. “I just, really wanted to say I’m sorry,” she said keeping her eyes on him. “I’ve tried to get a hold of you, but,” she gestured to the difference in the length of their legs, “You’re too fast,” she laughed a little. Now she was pushed a little forward almost stumbling into him, “Sorry,” she whispered making sure to give him a little more space. “I should have said something and- I shouldn’t have done it at all,” she said and shook her head a little of herself for having been so mindless. “Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed everything at the moment, but… I was so stupid,” she said and pulled on a slightly apologetic smile. “We don’t have to, ya know-” Her social skills were starting to fail her again, “I just, I hope you can forgive me for my awful actions and lack of words,” she said and put her hands on her hips, not really knowing what to do with her hands.

What was it with people and deciding that now was the month that they wanted to apologise to him for their actions? He sighed a little as she moved them around so she would be the one to take the worst of the people walking past them. When she was finally done with her little speech, he let out a soft breath and then shook his head, not because he didn’t want to listen but because he felt it was an odd situation to be in and a weird place to apologise.
“All right, let’s get out of here” he looked around, then grabbed her right hand and started pulling her along with him, pushing people a little so he could get through with her without too much trouble. When they were finally out the doors and into the fresh air, he let out a small breath, feeling how the anxiety in his chest started to ease. “There is a nice lunch place not far that sells cheap sandwiches”, he pointed out and then looked towards her. “We can go and then talk on the way”, he said, not really in a position where he wanted to be mad any longer. To be honest, he didn’t know what he wanted. It was almost like he somehow had just become numb. As if that was the only way he could survive at this point.

Things might have been odd, but she had simply been so nervous that she hadn’t been able to think too much about her surroundings. At least she had been able to think about her words. When he shook his head, when she was done, she felt a stone be placed on top of her chest. What?
Then all of a sudden, he took her hand and started moving through the flock of students, making a small surprised squeal leave her. Call her a hopeless romantic, but it gave her butterflies that he held her hand and made their way through. Eventually, they got outside, and just like him, she could suddenly breathe better, and her anxiety lowered. He looked towards him as he spoke. “Deal,” she replied with a slight smile and started to follow him in the direction that he showed. “I’m sorry about all of that in there,” she said looking towards the ground. What had she been thinking?

His hand found the safety of his pockets, and for a moment, he didn’t say anything as she once again apologised. “No offence”, he breathed, looking towards her with a small smile. “But I’m getting really sick of apologies, so you don’t have to keep doing it”, he added, looking down at his feet for a second, knowing that he could come off rather rude, but he just didn’t have the energy to think about how he phrased himself any longer.
“But it’s fine, I’m over it, you’re forgiven”, he added, letting out a small chuckle knowing it might not sound very sincerer, but what could people expect for him? He was just done, with everything and the fact that he was even here, at school and doing the things that were expected of him, that should at least count for something, even if he only did just that; what was expected of him.

“So-” she stopped herself from apologizing and just like him she looked away before she looked down at her feet. He looked towards her as she shrugged it off, telling her that she was forgiven, and he was over it. She furrowed her eyebrows a little. “How are you?” she wondered having this odd feeling that something just wasn’t right. She didn’t know if it was the way he walked or talked, but she could feel it. Even without all of the fancy powers that somebody carried. He seemed off, and she had always cared.

He looked towards her as she asked how he was, then he shrugged a little “if I’m being honest, I’m doing pretty shit” he chuckled, even though it wasn’t a laughing matter, but he didn’t really know what else to do, things just seemed to work against him instead of with him. “Not that anything has happened, I’m just not feeling well” he shrugged, not knowing how else to explain what was going on in his mind, and then he looked towards her. “How about you? Faring okay with a new school and finding friends and all that?” he asked, trying to keep the conversation somewhat lively even though he didn’t really feel like trying; that was maybe the worst thing about everything. He just didn’t care any longer, not enough to try or do anything about it. That it's just your mindset, you just need to think positive, but even though he had all the tools, it wouldn’t work if he didn’t care nor want to try and use them.

He chuckled of his own well-being, but she pulled a sad smile. Coping, right? Her eyes kept at him as he spoke about nothing really had happened. “It’s also okay not to feel well,” she spoke softly, giving him a soft smile as he looked at her. Now she did it herself, chuckled of a situation that one shouldn’t chuckle about. “No. No, it’s actually not going that great,” she informed and looked at him again, but just for a moment before her eyes found her shoes. She took a small breath in, “The only thing good at the moment is that my sister is trying to sober up,” she said keeping negative thoughts to herself. She didn't trust the process that Lauren had made. She was quite certain that Lauren would never get off the drugs.
“Do you mind explaining to me how you feel shitty?” she said crossing her arms a little. “I mean I know that nothing is happening, but what’s going on?” she spoke softly, hoping that he would take the opportunity to rant. At least she would be there for him to listen. She didn’t want everything to be around her. No she wanted to make things good again and figure out how she could keep the best positive relation to him, and if that was a rant here and there, that might just be good enough for her.

He couldn’t hold back a dry laugh when she told him that it was okay not to feel well. Of course, she was right, but it didn’t mean that he felt like it was okay to feel like this, not when he knew that people depended on him and there were people around him that needed his help. But that was sort of his entire persona, wasn’t it, helping everyone else but himself at this point. Which wasn’t very helpful in the end because it would make him end up in a situation where he didn’t know how to get out of the hole he had dug himself.
“I’m glad she is trying”, he nodded, letting out a soft sigh “maybe I’m just a little on edge because Tien is on that step where she has to apologise, and she saved me for last in the family; I just” he shrugged “It’s hard to accept an apology when you have heard it so many times before, and I’m scared that there might never come a time where I’ll actually believe that she will quit for good, or that next time something major happens she will relapse like so many times before,” he said with a small smile, knowing that Taylor would understand that feeling better than anyone else.

The dry laugh didn’t help how she worried about him. He didn’t seem to be taking time to himself and heal when he needed to. He seemingly worked himself too hard and focused on everyone around him instead of himself. Once again, she did like him; a dry laugh left her as he spoke about how he was glad that her sister was trying. One thing was that she was trying, but usually Lauren didn’t want to sober up. She felt like she needed her drugs, which was also why she still clung onto her weed when she got anxious, or at least that was what she claimed. Taylor was simply stopped hoping because she didn’t want to get disappointed, and she had seen her sister overdose way too often that she trusted a rehab could help her. Even though she didn’t want her in prison, prison might have been the best solution to get her sister to get completely clean.
The inner corner of her eyebrows raised as he mentioned how he was on edge. Even though she should, she pulled on a little smile as he mentioned how he found it difficult to accept it. “We’re on the same page on that one,” she said with a mirroring small smile. “It’s really difficult to accept an apology when you are so certain that they are going to fuck up again,” she said and wrapped her arms around herself. “I doubt my sister will get fully clean,” she told him. “Is there anything that is… Different this time?” she wondered, “Lauren claims that she has sold everything and doesn’t have anything but her weed, and… Well, she lost her finger and has been in jail…” She stopped herself from digging up too many of her sister’s stories. She just wanted to give examples and she knew that the part about her sister having been in jail might gain too much focus. Now that she had said the different things, she could both see reasons why Lauren would quit drugs and not. It could both help seeing the trust and mistrust in the ability for them to change for the better. “What’s different for her?” she repeated, hoping that Lauren’s drama wasn’t anything he would try and put on his own shoulders. He carried too much.

He licked his lips when she explained that she understood; he didn’t doubt the fact that she did. More so, he actually appreciated that she was honest with the fact that she didn’t trust her sister either; now he knew that her sister had been far longer into her substance use than Tien had ever been, or at least he couldn’t remember if she had ever been overdosing several times?
“Hmm,” he hummed as he thought about her question, was there anything different this time, he wasn’t sure. “Well, she has been apologising to a lot of other people, and it seems like her guardian angel Max, is making a great effort in making sure that she actually stays clean; I think it helps that there is someone new that is taking over because he doesn’t see her with coloured glasses if that makes sense?” he looked toward Taylor with a small smile “Sometimes we need people in our life that doesn’t know our story to open up and become a better version of ourselves, I just wish that I could actually believe her when she says that she is better” he sighed and let his tongue glide over his lips as he stopped by the sandwich place. “here we are,” he said and nodded, looking at the menu outside, he had this thing where he hated to go inside and have no clue what he wanted, always made him anxious.

Taylor let him think as long as he needed to. It was a question that needed thinking. It was only because that Taylor actually knew that there were some things different for Lauren this time than the others, and it was only because Taylor had been seeking for reasons that could make this something different. She was unsure, but maybe if he found something that surely made things different, he would have it easier to believe her? It hadn’t worked for herself, but the sole reason might be because Lauren still hung onto some substances. But some sobriety was better than none right? Who was she kidding.
He started listing the things that he believed made it different this time. Tien was apologizing and she had a guardian angel who cared. She nodded about the colored glasses, “It makes sense,” she agreed shortly, smiling back at him. He started talking about how sometimes it could be good to have new people in one’s life in order to become a better version of oneself. She pulled a short-lived sad smile. “Maybe you can’t believe her right now, but with time, it might get easier to believe her,” she said and stopped with him at the sandwich place. She shortly let her eyes scan the area inside. Who was working there, how did they look, how many costumers were there, how much space were there, were there toilets, kids or in general anything that could trigger her anxiety? She picked up how he was looking at the menu from the outside and placed herself right next to him to look at the menu too. It was a good strategy to figure out what you needed before you entered, but she got slightly anxious that he already knew the place and the menu that he might be a little faster than her about deciding, which was why she almost skipped some of the options so she could keep up with him. “Anything you find interesting?” she spoke very softly.

He pressed his tongue down on his bottom lip and let his eyes scan the menu, then turned slightly to look at her when she asked if he found anything interesting. “Well, I do like their avocado and salmon bagel,” he said, licking his lips quickly before putting his hands into his pocket, “But their chicken avocado is delicious as well” he stopped for a moment “really, anything with avocado and I’m happy” he chuckled, feeling how the solemn atmosphere around them slightly lessened, as they started talking as if nothing had transpired between them. He knew that they needed to talk about it, more than just the apology she had given him while almost being trampled down by students walking in the hall. If there was one thing he had learned, it was that just because someone apologised; you still had to talk things through so the other person understood why you had gotten so upset. It wasn't very reasonable to always assume that people just knew what was going on in another person’s head.
“See anything you would like? If not, it’ll give me time to figure out if I want fish or chicken today,” he said with a smirk, rolling a little back and forth on his feet.

Taylor bit her lip her bottom lip while she listened to his response about what he liked. She nodded as soon as she found what he was speaking about on the menu. Her smile was difficult to contain as he realized that anything with avocado would make him happy. Her eyes were locked on the two options he had mentioned, and as soon as he wondered what she would like she looked up at him, “Not to be a copy-cat or anything, but I think those two options might be the best,” she laughed, “But take your time,” she told him with a soft smile. She had eyed other options, but those simply seemed much better than anything there had been earlier. But from the two choices, she would go with chicken. Oh wait... Now she noticed a section for vegans, and even though she wasn't she eyed the options and started to wonder if she would choose one with falafel.

He couldn’t help that soft chuckle leaving him when she spoke about being a copycat, “Wouldn’t blame you if you did; it is a really nice combination”, he added, letting his tongue glide over his lips. “Okay, I’ve decided; you good to go?” he asked before he walked inside and ordered the salmon bagel; it was a lovely day. Maybe they could find a bench or something outside to eat. “Want something to drink?” he asked, picking an apple juice from the cooler by the register; he turned, waiting for what she wanted and took that out as well before walking over and paying for the food and drinks. “Want to find us a place to sit outside? Then I’ll bring the things,” he told her with a small smile, not really thinking about what he might have done could be slightly defensive, but well, his mother had raised the boys to be kind to women.

Taylor smiled as he said that he would blame her for being a copycat about what they were thinking about having. She looked up at him as he asked if she was ready to go, which made her nod once and followed him inside. She looked toward him as she asked if she wanted something to drink. Drinks were always easier to choose from, but for a split second, she could feel how her heart skipped a couple of beats. “Uh,” she looked towards the cooler where he was taking an apple juice for himself, “Just an iced tea,” she replied and pulled a short-lived smile. She was about to argue that he didn’t have to pay for everything. She would much rather pay for the whole thing than have him do it, but her words were silenced when he asked if she would find a spot for them. “Yeah, certainly,” she said pulling a kind smile. She had to stop herself from letting a hand shortly stroke his arm as a form of thanks. That would be a little too much, wouldn’t it?
She walked outside and scouted a spot for them to sit at. It both had sun and a bit of shadow if they would rather spare their skin, or if it felt too hot sitting in the sun. She herself chose to sit in the sun, with her back to it. She pulled the yellow shirt off her shoulders, sitting with her arms half bare to maintain the beautiful warm color she had, even though it would never really disappear.

He smiled brightly at her as she walked outside, and when he turned, he had to look up and curse slightly at himself; just because he had decided not to go further with the relationship didn’t mean he could just turn off the feelings, he hadn’t just slept with her because he could. He had genuinely liked her, but with everything that had happened, he had to pull away, primarily for his own sake.
When he got the things he had ordered, he paid for the food and walked outside; it took him a short minute before he finally found where she had placed herself and walked over. “Here you are” he handed her the bagel and then put the iced tea in front of her. Then he sat down and started opening his own bagel; for a moment, he wasn’t sure if he should say anything, or what he could even say; “Hope it tastes well”, he said with a small smile before taking a bite and letting his eyes roam around, seeing if there was anyone he knew.

While she waited, she closed her eyes and slouched a little, enjoying how warm and nice the sun felt against her back. She could almost hear when he got outside which made her turn her head towards the door. A wider smile spread on her lips, and she raised her hand, to be sure that he had found her. She was handed the bagel and the iced tea was placed in front of her, “Thank you,” she said with a soft, kind smile and carefully started to unwrap the first layer of paper. When it was folded out, she put her iced tea on top of the paper to prevent it from flying away if the wind was going to catch onto it. She looked up while she ripped the last paper around the bagel, so it was two separate parts. A short chuckle left her, “Right back at ya’,” she said a little cheerful. She looked at her bagel and tried to angle it properly so she wouldn’t be eating paper and wouldn’t be getting all kinds of foods in her face. Luckily, she had a wide enough mouth to get around that problem. As soon as she had taken a bite, she let go with one hand on the bagel, and covered her mouth while chewing, just so she had time to feel if she had smeared anything on her face.

“Thanks,” Kemuel said with a smile and then took his first bite, even though he kept looking around, more like a habit to take in his surroundings; maybe it was that slight fear of his father suddenly showing up and pulling him away, as he had done almost a year ago, wait, was it a year ago now? He suddenly wasn’t sure.
He took another bite before turning his gaze back at Taylor and giving her a small smile; then he took his juice and took a sip, thinking about the things that she had told him back at the school, after a minute of chewing he finally decided that it might be time to explain why it had mattered so much to him. “You know” he started licking his lips, so he was sure that there wasn’t any food on them. “That night was my first too” he finally told, before taking another bite and looking down at the bagel while he chewed, hoping she wouldn’t laugh or, well, she wasn’t really the laughing type. But it was still a sore subject, since he hadn’t just done it for the spur of the moment, or that he wanted to get it over with, it had meant something to him too.

Even though she didn’t look directly at him, but mostly at the bagel in her hands, she noticed how he kept looking around. She couldn’t help but think if the spot she had picked was bad if they should have been against a wall or something so things were more closed off.
As soon as she noticed that he looked at her, she looked up, smiling back at him, which could be seen even though she covered most of her mouth. Her cheeks pulled up into sweet apples. Eventually, he broke the chewing silence between them. She swallowed her food having slightly bigger eyes after he had revealed a secret for her. She licked her lips and lowered her hand “What?” she spoke very softly. She kept herself from putting her hand on the table for him to take. “W-why didn’t you say that?” she wondered. Her brows got almost animatic the way the inner corners curled up and everything else went down.

He shrugged when she asked why he hadn’t told her; he wasn’t even sure why; “Because you seemed like it was a big deal to you, and I didn’t want to make you more nervous”, he shrugged. “Don’t think I have a good reason why I didn’t; I just didn’t think about it back then” he looked back at his bagel; maybe if she had told him that she had a boyfriend, then he would have; But then again had she told him, they wouldn’t even have slept together that night. So many things could have turned out differently if one of them had just spoken up; “What I’m trying to say with it is – Well, I accept your apology, what done is done” he gave her a small smile before taking another bite of his bagel, not knowing what else he could say to make her feel more comfortable. Maybe it was his own way of trying to move on, even though he found it extremely difficult these days, especially with everything that had happened over the last year; he was just so exhausted all the time.

Taylor wanted to interfere about how it wasn’t a big deal to her, but maybe it had been? It had honestly almost been a year ago and there was no chance she would be able to justify that it wasn’t important to her. She nodded, glancing shortly at her bagel before she looked back at him. She wanted to assure him, that if she had known, she would have told him that she actually had had a boyfriend, but all of that was too late now. Even though what had happened might have felt alright, it wasn’t as pleasant of memory as both of them might have wished for. She tugged a short smile. “I appreciate your… Late honesty,” she said and pulled a small smirk. She picked a small piece of chicken out of her bagel, that was hanging a little loose, and ate it. “So… Does that mean I can talk to you without Rose or Jane trying to scare me away?” she joked and looked at her bagel with a wide smile.

He chuckled when she told him that she appreciated his honesty, even if it was a little late at this point. Which she was right about, of course, especially since it was such a long time ago – a year by now? It seemed like the time was slipping through his fingers without him even knowing it had happened. Sometimes it felt like time wouldn’t move at all, and with the blink of an eye, it had passed you without you knowing it.
Kemuel couldn’t help but laugh when she spoke about Rose and Mary-Jane. Had they really been that bad? Hadn’t it only been that one time, and after that, they had just; had it really been that bad?  “I’ll tell them to stop playing guard dogs,” he said with a small smile before looking back at his bagel and taking a bite. Once again, his eyes wandered, looking at the people coming and going, making up small stories for them. Seeing how they looked, were they sad, or had they a smile on their lips. Were they bobbing their head to the music, or were they just walking passively down the road without even looking where they were going?
All of these small things were something he had started to notice far more than he had ever done, especially after he had found his abilities and had started drawing.