Is it too late to turn around?

She hadn’t come home that night. Now, most of the time, he tried to excuse it. He tried to consider why he sometimes did the same. And admittedly, it was better than crashing as he had a month ago, driving home drunk when he should have stayed at a friend’s house. But he couldn’t shake the feeling that something more serious was going on, that her behavior had deteriorated the past months. More so than it ever had in the time he’d known her. It was only natural for that to raise his concern. She had become excessively secretive lately. And every time he tried to talk to her about it, they always ended up arguing rather than getting to the core of the issue. Of course, he knew he was partly to blame for that, but he wished it didn’t have to be that way. He wished they’d find a way to resolve some of their problems. Because if they didn’t, he knew that none of them could stand to continue for much longer.

He’d messaged her late that night, asking her when she was going to come home but when she hadn’t answered after an additional three texts and two calls, he couldn’t help but become worried. His mind automatically raced to all sorts of conclusions that resulted in him barely getting any sleep. So, he’d woken up early that morning and tried to somewhat calm his mind by reading, hoping it would distract his thoughts. But the moment he heard Victoria approach in their driveway through the window of the second floor, he closed the book and peeked out the window. Relief should have enveloped him by now, but instead, he felt the influx of far more disconcerting emotions. He headed downstairs to meet her but halted once he saw her in the kitchen. Alarmed by the scent of someone else on her. He crossed his arms and inhaled sharply, trying not to work himself up further. Because deep down he wanted to believe she had a good reason for it all. “Where have you been?”

Out? He clenched his jaw tightly, suppressing his emotions to the best of his ability. But her carefree tone certainly wasn’t helping. Did she not realize what he’d been through the past hours? How he’d been worried sick thinking of the trouble she might have gotten herself into. So, when she mentioned she’d looked at houses, he looked away. Knowing very well that meant she’d looked through them. On the one side, he was relieved to know she’d only been on a mission to steal—if that indeed was all there was to the night. But he was mostly frustrated with her for even considering it. She had everything she needed right here. Sure, he might not be bringing in a fortune since he kept jumping between jobs. But it wasn’t like the times when they’d needed to steal for the sake of survival. This was something else entirely.

He knew he’d given her a look of disapproval the moment she’d said it. But he was equally confused. And if he asked why, he could only imagine what she’d say. Her attitude showed little promise of that turning out well. “Okay.” He exhaled deeply, knowing if he sounded accusatory or angry, it would only make matters worse. But damn it, if it wasn’t difficult to refrain from confronting her directly or jump to conclusions. Of course, he was grateful for her honesty, but that only counted if she had told the whole truth. That the scent he sensed on her simply came from the house she’d spent most of her time in. “Look, if you owe anyone money, you could have just told me. Given me a chance to help you figure it out in a legal way.” He couldn’t help but worry that she’d gotten herself into drugs, and that was the reason she needed the extra cash, so he tried not to dwell on anything but the stealing itself. As far as he was concerned, his past as a criminal was behind him. He might have been close to ending in prison a couple of times since arriving in Gaia, but to him, this wasn’t the same. He didn’t actively pursue it. It just sort of happened that he got into fights. Particularly with vampires or rivaling alphas. He uncrossed his arms and stepped closer to her. “Who is this shapeshifter you stole from?” He was rather close with a lot of shapeshifters and their packs. And if she stole from any such alliances, he needed to know about it.

There was nothing in his expression that gave the slightest indication that he was kidding. Although, he knew why she might think so considering his own past. But that was exactly why he’d understand if she felt like it was the only way to fix an issue. He tilted his head a little when she claimed that she didn’t owe anyone money. Because what other reason could there possibly be for her actions last night? “Then why did you do it, Victoria?” he asked, becoming more frustrated and confused with her behavior. When she further revealed that she didn’t steal from a shapeshifter, but rather that the scent he’d sensed stemmed from an old friend, he grabbed the edge of the kitchen counter, letting some of his tension out by gripping it strongly. This was bad. Very, very bad. Linus and Francis weren’t the types of people he’d want her to associate with, let alone anyone he cared about. But there was still a slight chance that she had a good reason for meeting up with them. There had to be. He lowered his gaze to the countertop before he exhaled. “Why in the world would you hang out with a guy like that?” he asked, his tone increasing in volume as his aggravation grew. His eyes rose to her, not understanding how she could feel so careless of the consequences of her actions. “And what about our agreement to text each other if we knew we’d stay out? I barely got any sleep worrying my mind sick about you.” A dry scoff escaped his lips as he straightened his back, still with his gaze fixed on her. “Well, I guess I had every reason to.”

He wouldn’t understand. Was that what her faith in him had diminished to? He sighed quietly, not getting why she wouldn’t even try to explain it. How else was he supposed to understand even a fraction of what was going on with her? It felt as if there was this massive chasm between them, like no matter how strongly he tried to hold on, she’d find her way to slip through and get further away. Her smile cut straight to his heart, but not in the way that it used to. This time it felt like she was stabbing him with her coldness. “A little excitement, huh?” Was she really so bored in this life with him, that the only escape out of it was to hang out with criminals? After all, he wasn’t the least opposed to thrill-seeking activities. But there were better ways for someone to indulge in those.

“How is this ever going to become better then?” He had tried to keep up his end of the deal, and despite his desire to track her down that night, he hadn’t. That had to count for something. Not that he stopped going out any less, because it was one of the better ways to sustain the strength of his pack—chatting up new werewolves and nourishing existing relations. Although he knew that it was everything else that might happen as a result that was the problem. “And the difference is that you were hurting me on purpose, knowing exactly how it would make me feel whereas I never meant to cause you any worry.” He couldn’t help pointing it out, to not allow her to put the full blame on him, despite it doing little to dampen the fire. He raised a hand to his temple when she continued with her hostility. Was holding up to one agreement and not committing crimes really expecting too much? He dropped his hand and followed her as she walked out of the kitchen. “You’re torturing me,” he exclaimed as he neared her because that was what it felt like. That every single thing she said was meant as an attack.

He reached out and grabbed her wrist to stop her from walking further. Not only because he thought her drinking would be a bad idea, but also because they technically didn’t have any whiskey left. He'd finished the last bottle while she was out. They only had a couple of light liquors left. He looked into her eyes, wishing there was something he could do to fix them both from feeling so miserable about the situation they were in. He slowly let go of her wrist and exhaled deeply, though it did nothing to cool his mind. At this point he was fueled by his anger, taking all the words she’d spewed at him. “If you truly are so unhappy here, then maybe you shouldn’t be here at all,” he finally lashed out. He knew they were harsh words, but nothing he’d done so far had seemed to reach through to her. And he was running out of options. “I can’t take this constant running away. Or arguing about who’s done worse every goddamn weekend.” He folded his lips and glanced away. “I can’t stand the fact that you won’t even let me try to help you. And I understand if you think I can’t... But then what will?” He returned his eyes to her, anticipating that she had no idea of this herself. It didn't even seem like she cared to think of it either, or that she even thought she needed help. But he had to ask for the slight chance that she might. “What will, Vic?”

He'd not meant for her to consider the idea. All he’d wanted was for her to realize what it was that made her unhappy, and say that whatever it was, it had nothing to do with being here. But these things never turned out the way he wanted them to, and he could only take so much before he’d lash out and deflect some of the hurt that she’d put on him. “And where would you go?” In his mind, she hadn’t that many options, but if she’d begun hanging out with more people like Linus, then he could only imagine the places she’d end up.
He scoffed as she said the problem was his self-importance because he wasn’t the least worried about himself. “No, this is about us.” His words might not have represented that clearly enough, but that was all he cared about right now. Figuring them out. But in order to do that, they needed to sort out their personal shit too. Which meant they needed to talk about it with each other. With their mutual trust issues, that frankly seemed like the only way to get it to work. “I am trying, Vic. If that’s how you feel I’m handling it, then I’m sorry, but you got to tell me what’s going on. Not so I can handle the situation, but so I can understand what it is that you need.” He didn’t want her to feel like a problem that needed fixing, but something had to be fixed.

I don’t want to do this anymore. His breathing stopped as he shifted between her eyes, trying to decipher what she meant. Because it sounded an awful lot like she was done with him. It felt to no avail to try and change her feelings, or make her do things to fix their relationship if that wasn’t where her heart was. But hearing her say those words tore his heart into pieces. “I didn’t mean it.” His words were barely audible because it wasn’t like it mattered. It wasn’t going to change how she felt about this. He walked in front of her, serving as a temporary barrier between her and the door. “At least take some time to think it through.” He couldn’t know if she’d already thought about it or for how long, but he had to hold on to the idea that she hadn’t. That no matter the number of fights they’d had, she’d never thought to leave. That this time wasn’t like the others.

He could tell that a lot was weighing her down, and he didn’t want to add to that. He didn’t want to make things worse for her. But it wasn’t easy to let go. Victoria was the only girl who truly knew and understood him. The one who had his back no matter what. And they’d both grown so much since those first couple of months of dating. But it was as if a wall had come between them. Setting them back and onto different paths. He didn’t mean to make her feel like he was closing in on her with his questioning. He was only trying to understand her. Because if he could do that, he was convinced he’d know what to do. Not realizing that this wasn’t only about them, or him, but something greater entirely.  

Her words had been hurtful and jarring, but it didn’t nearly break his heart as much as seeing her cry. His eyes filled with empathy and sadness as he listened to her. “You’re not a ghost, Victoria. You’re one of the most important people in my life.” He wanted to reach out to her but couldn’t get himself to cross the invisible line between them. So instead, he stayed in his position in front of the door. It sounded like whatever she was searching for, whatever she was dealing with, was something that she had to prioritize before anything else. And what kind of guy would he be to stop her from doing that just because he needed her? He knew that a lot had changed since the situation with Anthony, but he’d never realized just how much it had affected her. How much of it she’d bottled up when she was around him. “I had no idea that’s how you felt.” And even if there had been signs of it, he’d explained it off as something else, thinking she would have simply told him otherwise.

After she’d explained the truth, he felt as if he finally understood part of what was happening. Essentially, she was saying that she didn’t feel like she belonged here. That she needed to find her footing again. And though he might not understand where all of it was coming from, he at least knew that he had to give her space to sort it out. “I know,” he said before he averted his gaze from her, fighting his own tears from reaching the surface. He knew that he should let her walk away, but he was afraid of what that meant for them. He didn’t know what he was supposed to do if he lost her completely. He inhaled deeply to control his breathing and suppress his emotions before he returned his eyes to her. “But what if you don’t figure it out? I just… I can’t help but worry about what’s going to happen once you leave. I don’t trust those guys, and I don’t want to see you get hurt.” It was only natural for him to worry about her, even if she was one of the strongest survivors he’d met. And he couldn’t simply say okay, and move on, so instead, he hesitated. He didn’t move past the door, but he wasn’t blocking it either, and he wasn’t going to stop her if she stepped by him to leave through it. It was just too difficult for him to be the first one to make a move that initiated what this was going to end with. Them being over.

She could call him. He’d never deny her that. But if he was miles away then what good was it going to do if she needed him that instance? He tipped his head lower as she stepped closer, wondering if he’d even be the first person she’d reach out to. She had kept being in danger a secret in the past. And after this, he couldn’t help but think that she’d do it again. That she left because her feelings had changed, and she no longer needed him for the reasons she used to. And he felt defeated because he’d tried so hard to escape his old life to start something new and better, but he didn’t know how he was supposed to do that without her. How he’d ever stop thinking about what could be and what wasn’t. He didn’t move as she stepped closer to him, still frozen in time and place, thinking of everything they’d been through together.

When she reached for his cheek, he instinctively leaned closer, glancing between her eyes and lips. Her question barely spoken before he’d closed his eyes and kissed her. Savoring the moment as if it were their last. But also because it made it seem like he could finally breathe again. Because his heart felt a little less broken. He wished the feeling would last, that the kiss held enough power to mend all sorrows and keep her here with him. But once it broke, all the aching returned, and he knew nothing in the world had the power to grant that kind of lasting happiness. “Try not to do anything stupid,” he whispered, knowing it was words they both needed to hear. But right now it was especially meant for her. He couldn’t shake his worries from before, about where she’d end up or what she’d involve herself with. The last thing he wanted was for her to come out on the other side worse off. He genuinely wanted her to get something good out of this decision. For her to smile more and cry less. He reached a thumb up to her cheek to brush off her tears, looking at her with his own glazed eyes before he pulled her in for an embrace. He needed a last one of those too. “All right. I won’t stand in your way anymore.” He let go of her as he stepped back, inhaling deeply before he glanced to the staircase. He assumed she wanted to get her stuff out of their bedroom before she left, although he understood if she wanted to leave and ask for it later. It wasn’t much, after all.