Slip away

It was a week since her and Ace had been together. A weekend that had completely destroyed her, in ways she didn’t fully understand. She had thrown herself into work, also seeing if she could find another job that could keep her mind occupied. Every day since, it had been so hard for her to fall asleep, because without fail when she closed her eyes, she would be brought back to waking up in the middle of the night. Feeling the regret and anger seeping from Ace. A feeling that wouldn’t leave her, while pain bored into her heart ripping it into small pieces. But one good thing had come out of it, the fact that she now understood that no one really cared. One might think it was harsh to but all that on a vampire, and one she hadn’t known for that long. But if someone that could have been so vulnerable and showed her a part of himself, she knew he hadn’t showed for such a long time. Helped her overcome her fear for an hour while dancing around. And the fact, that what had happened between them hadn’t just been sex. The one you found while out in town, seeing someone across the room and find yourself back at their place driving by the lust. But it had been the connection of whatever they had shared. And the longing for someone closer.

Now, Hope had thought about never seeing him. But they still had an appointment, and if there was something that she never walked away from then it was a promise. And since he hadn’t contacted her telling her not to come. She stood here in front of his door, not really caring about what he would think. Or not wouldn’t think. About how her eyes were heavy with tiredness. Almost shadowy black patches forming under them, as if she had been sick or just hadn’t slept since last time, she had seen him. Which it almost felt like. To be fair, the only reason she was here was to give him the last of her blood and get going. Her hand raised, and after a few tries she finally knocked on it.

Ace had been sure that how he had thrown Hope out, she wouldn’t be showing her face again, but he was so wrong. She had been standing in front of his door, and he believed it took her an eternity for her to finally knock on the door. He then approached the door, but as he got closer and closer, he could feel that something was off. Her hormones were acting up in a way that they shouldn’t. Or well, they probably should, but he certainly had wished that they weren’t telling him what they were telling him right now. Fucking hell.


He looked over his shoulder almost as if he was thinking of a way to run away. He didn’t want yet another child that he cared so much for that he would use himself as a humanoid-shield to make sure it wasn’t hurt. He looked back at the door and cursed underneath his breath before he opened the door for her. Everything simmered down. He could get through this. Control. He had been slower than usual to open the door for her. “Come in,” he said and would close it behind her as soon as she was fully inside. She looked like someone who hadn't slept for an eternity. It bothered him that the chi... Fucking hell it would kill her! How was he going to tell her that he wasn't going to be taking any of her blood while she carried child? “Everything is ready,” he said and locked the door only to leave her by the door so she could undress what needed to be undressed. Unlike last time, he had made sure to drink before her arrival, even though he hadn’t known when she would arrive. He sat down on his stool and started to arrange his equipment for when she would sit down. His mind was racing. Fucking hell, he was so worried about how she was going to react and how things were going to go. What was he even going to do if she wanted to keep it? Feed her his blood bags?

Her blue eyes locked up as he opened the door, and she felt that horrible pull in her stomach where she just wanted to turn around and walk away. She had no idea how she managed to step over the threshold and get inside. She waited for him to close the door and then started walking towards the living room after he told her that everything was ready. On the way she took off her backpack. Placed it beside the chair, then she took of the jacket and then her sweater to place it on the chairs armrest before sitting down. Her eyes looked at how his hand, just as always beautifully arranged his equipment.

Where his fingers before had given her chills down her spine and lured her in. She only felt pain and betrayal while looking at them. Her eyes averted looking down her arms she had already placed ready for him to pierce the needle in, but she wasn’t blind to the fact that he felt off. And not in the way that he had been when he had thrown her out. Her lips quivered and she once again had to pull her gaze away that had ended up looking at him. This was horrible, she shouldn’t have come. It only caused her more pain, and it was so violently that it almost made her stomach turn.

She entered like nothing had happened. He was no empath, but he could tell on the way she moved that she wasn’t feeling well. Things were off and she didn’t feel comfortable like she usually did, or at least she didn’t thing as much as she did right now.
He could feel her eyes on his hands as he arranged everything. He tied her arm up. He picked up the needle so he could start tapping her blood, but as he was just about to put the needle in he pulled away and put the needle on the desk where he had been arranging everything. “You don’t have enough blood for this,” he said, rejecting her arrival. “You’re not restoring like you should,” he informed her and looked up at her. “You’re not sleeping right and your HcG is off,” he said and crossed his arms. “Hope you’re pregnant,” he told her. “I can help you though it if you want to keep it,” he explained, giving her the opportunity to tell him whether she wished to carry the child she was carrying. His child. God fucking damnit Ace. Ace of fucking spades, spreading unluck on his way and making everyone uncomfortable and not minding not being in contact with him. Things were like they used to be.

It was like someone took a knife and stabbed it in her, twisted it around and then pressed it in a little deeper as he took away the needle. Almost as if he was telling her she had to leave and he didn’t even want her blood anymore. Maybe it was just the whole package that he just didn’t want, she should have listened more intently when he had told her to leave. Clearly he had meant, and never come back. She was just about to get up from the chair and leave. As he kept telling her why he didn’t take her blood. She didn’t care, she could crawl home and then his payment would have been paid in full. But then he called her name, which made her eyes move towards him. What she hadn’t counted on, was the next word coming. That she was pregnant. Her confusing was written all over her face, and then he added that he could help if she wanted to keep it. Her lips folded into a smile. Clearly not one of warmth nor happiness. But a kind of smile that came out of shear, I have no idea how to react to this.

“You don’t have to help with anything” she finally spoke, pulling her gaze away from him. “Don’t worry I’ll get it removed, somehow” she wasn’t an idiot, if she was this fatigued already, it meant that she was carrying a vampire. That meant it wouldn’t be as easy as a normal abortion. “I’m not about to put a child into this world, with a father that doesn’t want the mother” with those words she got up from the chair and started dressing herself.

He could read her confusion on her face even thought she smiled at him. Oh, how it made him angry that she hid her emotions away like that. Hypocrite. He was a hypocrite. She didn’t want his help and she wanted to get it removed. So far so good. But the words that followed bugged him. God, why did she know just how to push his buttons. Of course, he didn’t have to react with anything grand, but having been so vulnerable with her apparently did something to him. Besides, he knew very well that his own father hadn’t wanted his mother. “So, you care more about me wanting you than me wanting it?” he wondered and furrows his brows. Ace didn’t feel like he had been wanted in any way or form by his own parents. “I think you should stop whining about me not wanting you,” he said with a hint of anger. Besides, he had wanted her. He did want her. He simply just felt too vulnerable. He had been scared of what everything could lead to and most of all, he wished for her to sit down. He knew very well from patients that an abortion was difficult and even more how difficult it was to abort a vampire child. “Please, sit down,” he said and gestured to the stool while looking up at her.

A small, short laugh left her as he asked her if she cared more about him wanting her than it. But when she moved her eyes back to him, all emotion had left her, and she was looking at him with those cold deep blue eyes. Eyes that slightly narrowed as he told her that she should stop whining about him not wanting her. Those words were like a punch right to the gut. Almost threatening to send her down on her knees. How dared he. “I get it” she spoke in a hushed voice, taking a step towards him, for the first time really noticing that they were around the same height. “And no, I’m not going to sit down” she told him, holding her stance there in front of him not moving her eyes from him. “And this is not about me wanting or demanding anything from you. I left when you told me to, didn’t I?” a low hiss left her, as the pain once again spread in her body. She had told him how scared she was, and he had pulled away multiple times without her trying to force the issue. But he, he had been the one coming back every time. So how was she to realize in the heat of everything that it had been too much? How was it her fault, that she had been pulled along with the passion between them just as much has he had done. But she hadn’t been the one regretting it. She hadn’t been the one breaking his soul into smaller pieces than it already was. “This is about the fact that I’m not a cruel, and I’m not about to put something into this world that isn’t wanted, and yes, I care about people wanting me because I’m not emotionless even though I might seem that way – But you, you are the one running away because you got scared, and you’re blaming me for the regret of not being able to stop yourself from being pulled along that night, and fine, if that makes you feel better go ahead” she pulled on her sweater and then took her jacket to get out once more. “there are other ways of protecting yourself than hurting people” she finally said as she pulled on her jacket and grabbed her backpack.

Ace raised his brows a little as she said she got it. She understood, but somehow, she didn’t want to sit down and talk. He narrowed his eyes a little as she approached him. He stood up from his stool. If she wasn’t going to sit down, he wasn’t going to either. She explained that she had left him when he had told her to. He knew all of this was unfair because everything had felt like it had been too much the other day, but his mind had been so fogged that he couldn’t even think clearly about what he wanted. But at the same time, something in him had wanted all of what she had given to him. He was just one big coward.
She started to speak, and it felt like blades were running down his skin. It hurt. Even though he knew very well how his own situation was with his family, the short ‘reunion’ with some of them had pulled up some of the wounds. His parents had been cruel who didn’t care about whether or not Ace was wanted or not. He was just going to exist. He narrowed his eyes as she started to talk about him being scared and how he blamed her. It was funny because he blamed both of them. He blamed her for not knowing that it had been too much, and he blamed himself for now having the control to keep himself in check – but mostly the lather. He raised his chin just a little bit as she said he should go ahead and blame her. He licked his lips a little as she finished off with telling him that there were other ways of protecting himself. “Stop,” he said and grabbed her hand which had just grabbed onto her backpack. “You scare me,” he said. He could almost feel how his dusty heart was shaking. “I don’t know what it is about you,” his eyes shifted from one of her eyes to another. “I am used to be in complete control of everything I do,” he noticed how his grip had gotten a little tense and let go of her, almost as if he had burned himself on her, afraid of hurting her. “I don’t have enough control to be around you without risking that I hurt you,” he said and frowned a little. “I can’t live with myself harming people,” he said and felt how his heart sunk. He wasn’t like his family. “Yes, I am scared. Scared of love. Scared of things going too fast. Do you want to know why?” he said even though he would tell her anyway. “Because when I was sure that nothing in the world could tear me from my former love, the world proved me wrong,” he said and let his eyes rest on her for a moment. “I got no power,” he shrugged and gestured to him having nothing. It was also the reason why her illusion in the cab had hurt him.

She stopped, not that he gave her a choice when he grabbed her hand and the backpack that she had been holding feel back down. Feeling how her throat clenched when swallowing nervously. But as he told her that she was the one scaring him, she kept herself passive. Waiting for him to elaborate on why it was so. Not that it seemed that he even knew what it was. But she did, between the lines combined with the feelings seeping through his skin provoking her abilities that he had asked her never to use on him again. But when someone felt something so intensely and almost told her, just by his emotions what it really was that he desired. Then it was hard not to act on it, but she managed to follow his wish and not do anything at all.

Hope kept silent, and even after he had gestured to the fact that he had nothing. She looked down, feeling how her chest heaved and then let out a soft sigh looking back up at him. Her head was slightly titled, and the pain that she had concealed the minute she had stepped in showed, just ever so slightly in her eyes. “There comes a time in our life, where we can choose to move past the scars in our hearts” she licked her lips “and trust a person once again” she kept her eyes on his face “And I chose to trust you, but you didn’t do the same, now the time has passed us by” she whispered, feeling how it felt like her heart was breaking even more. She hadn’t even been aware that it could be possible. But she couldn’t let herself be in a situation where she could get that close, without fearing he would just push her away. She hadn’t minded him pulling away telling her that things went to fast. And maybe she had been at fault of not asking him at the time. But he had treated her the next day, couldn’t be excused. Even if she understood. Even if she knew how trusting someone after the world had kept on proving to you that it was a mistake, could be hard and even a painful affair. She took her backpack once more “I’ll take care of things, you don’t have to worry about that, and then I’ll find someone to take the last bags of blood that I owe you, then you don’t have to see me again” she finally whispered taking her eyes from him. “Then you can keep that heart of yours guarded, without being scared of having me near” even though she didn’t dare, she let her gaze travel towards him, against her better judgement.

Her eyes seemed sadder now. She tried to lecture him about moving past scars in his life and he narrowed his eyes a little. Now the time has passed us by. He didn’t want their time to be over. It was complicated. He didn’t want her close, but he didn’t want her to leave.
She took her backpack once more and he let his eyes follow her movements. She turned the topic back again. She would fix things. No baby and bags of blood would be delivered. All of that so he could keep himself in his protective little shell. Her words ruined him. Nothing had been able to move his feelings like she had. “Good,” he said with a face that didn’t show much at all. “I hope that feels good,” he said and pulled on a little smile. It was filled with hidden pain. “I hope you get your friends out,” he spoke before he started to back away sat down in his couch. His bag on the cushions and his long legs dangling off the armrest.

One singular huff, almost sounding like a laugh left her as he said that he hoped that it felt good. Nothing of this felt good, it was like a pit of pain, and she was drowning because neither of them was willing to reach out and keep the other one from suffocating. But she couldn’t help him, because he had made it very clear that he didn’t want her too. Even if his words hadn’t been true, she wasn’t about to step over his comfort zone once again, only to be thrown out over and over. “I never liked my name, because it brought a promise that you should never give up hope, but today you made me despise it, because none of this makes me feel good” she whispered, turning her back to him not even trying to keep the tears from gliding down her cheeks as she walked towards the door.

Putting on her shoes and then once more she walked out of the house. Knowing that this time she wouldn’t come back.

_____
out

He could hear how she huffed in a small laugh. She was awful at hiding her feelings right now. It was seeping out of her. She was hurting, just as he did. One would think that so many years would be plenty of time to make Ace heal, but he hadn’t been healing one bit. He had just been seeking into a pit of comfort and stayed there. Hospital had been a comfort. Saving lives.
He had made her despise her name. Great, thanks. Salt in the wound. Go cry a river. “Perfect, then you have something to remember me by,” he mumbled, not meaning a single word of it. But if she now despised her name because of him, he would pop into her head every time someone spoke her name. How awful, huh. He didn’t stop her from leaving. He just stayed there. Staring at the ceiling. There was no warm pressure on his chest from her laying half way over him, instead everything was just cold, giving him goosebumps.

//out