How did we get so fucked up?

LOCATION Daisy's backyard
DATE 10th of September
TIME midday
ATTIRE Link
TOPIC FOR @Zadkiel xx
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"But seriously, its alright," she breathed out, letting her fingers run through his hair as she breathed out. "I mean sure, its weird, but since when has things not been weird," Maya asked shaking her head a little bit. She wasn't good with being open, but being with Howie, she had learned to loosen up a little bit. It also came with having someone like Mariella like her aunt, having found her parents and having a sister - an entire family that she would die for. Maya picked up a carrot from the little plate with carrots on from the garden that they had taken with them outside to snack on. Sitting here on a blanket on the grass enjoying some of the rare autumn sun, while just talking, it was nice. And they clearly both needed to just talk. Maya took a bite her carrot while pressing her brows a bit together blinking, still playing with his hair with the other hand. "How did we get so fucked up?" She chuckled a bit while shaking her head.

Zadkiel couldn’t help but frown a little as Maya tried to reassure him that everything was alright, because he was quite sure It wasn’t. There were so many things that wasn’t alright with any of this. Even though her fingers combed through his hair, it didn’t lessen his worry for her. He took a bite of his half-eaten carrot as she said that ever since, things hadn’t been weird. “Really?“ he said, somewhat surprised. Things had always been complicated for both of them.
How did we get so fucked up?
The question made Zadkiel smile a little wider. “How did we get so fucked up?” he repeated, wondering just as much. “Bad luck and a bad childhood,” he said thinking a little, “Unlucky genes?” he looked up at Mayas eyes. “Who do you think we ended up like this?” he wondered. It had been a little bit more than a week since Letha had been attacked by some vampire, wrecking her mind. It hadn’t helped on Zadkiels anger issues, but luckily, he had meetings with his psychologist often and had already been doing quite good. There was so much improvement and so much trauma.

Deflecting the question, it was something she was good at, but also knew he would asked her sooner or later again. It was easy to feel somewhat peaceful lately, and to be fair, if you had lived with the amount of pain Maya had, to suddenly get some of the burden taken - it was like god given, even through pain and horrible memories followed. It was only a few days since the last new moon, and it was only her second transformation, well for someone who wasn't Maya they would have figured out very little about coming to an understanding of all this - but Maya had already put pretty much everything up on a board, things that was like before, and everything that was different. Within the next new moon she had a theory that the last pieces of her puzzle would come together and she would understand herself even better.

Zadkiel repeating her question made her turn her face down looking at him, as he replied to it afterwards. Bad luck, check. Bad childhood, double check. Unlucky genes, no she wasn't sure about that one, well her parents were some of the strongest people that she knew, and it wasn't their fault she had been raised into what she had become. But looking at Katelyn, she knew it wasn't about the genes that caused Maya's defaults. Zadkiel asked for her thoughts on the matter making her take a deeper breath in and looked back up to the garden, as she breathed out again. "Well for one we have some terrible bad coping mechanisms," she chuckled a bit while shaking her head a bit. Maya took a deeper breath in, it had gotten way better and she wasn't self destructive like that anymore. "Guilt, wanting to have done more than we delivered, not ever feeling like we are good enough," she breathed out, shaking her head a little bit again. "Feeling lonely despite being around people, and just feeling like the world is consuming you," she left a small sigh and licked her lips. "But I mean, things are better now. It just creeps up on me sometimes though, and its yeah, the guilt. Yeah, it's the guilt," she took a sharper breath in. The guilt of having been so close to ending her own life, now knowing her parents had been out of their mind trying to find her for so long - all the things she had right now, wouldn't have happened to her if she hadn't stopped herself. She was thankful that she did. So thankful, but the fact that she had been so close still rang like echos in her mind time to time.

To Zadkiel he would check all of the boxes. He had bad luck and a bad childhood. His genes were most likely the chances for him to act like his father. Being present, but not at all. Having dearly loved kids, but not having the time to check up to them or treat them right. He was afraid of turning into his father – or his uncle, even though he wasn’t related to him by blood. He feared he would turn into a bad man. He raised his brows a little wondering what went through her fast mind as she breathed out. “Oh yes,” he said, nodding his head, definitely agreeing to the bad coping mechanisms. Of course, some coping mechanisms were better for some situations, but having a general one was always bad.

Guilt

It hit hard in the stomach, because it was one of the big reasons why they were so fucked up. He never thought that what he did was good enough or that he could’ve acted differently, and things would’ve gone so much better. He still felt guilty of all of his siblings’ problems. He felt like he could’ve done so much more to prevent things for happening. He felt guilty that he hadn’t been able to help Noa when she was at her worst and he felt guilty for so many things in his relationship with Letha – leading him back to fearing begin like his dad or uncle. He licked his teeth, feeling how deep the conversation got. Feeling lonely, despite being around people. He left a lightly surprised snort and looked up at her nodding. He couldn’t help but agree to whatever she said, because even though Zadkiel had plenty of friends and coworkers, he still felt ever so lonely and sometimes he didn’t even feel like he had Letha. It was tough.
He hummed a little as she said things were getting better. “It’s always the guilt,” he said and pulled on a pained smirk. “Do you wanna talk about it? What makes you feel the guiltiest?” he wondered and took another bite of his carrot. Sometimes just talking about it could be enough to lessen the burdens or realize what one had to do to change the feeling of guilt.

Maya took a sharper breath in. No, she really didn't want to talk about it. Talking about it was like pulling up the walls she had planted in the ground. Behind them it was dark, it was still dark, but hidden away from all the love and happiness she had felt over the past months. The past months had been like heaven, honestly. Even if bad things also had happened, she had been in fights, she had been attacked and had to trade into some parts of who she had used to be. But no, to talking about was too real, and yet as she sat there in silence, she realized she had been quite much longer than was the usual for her. "My guiltiest, huh?" She breathed out already feeling her lips shivering a bit. Maya took a deeper breath in, feeling how it was like it twisted inside her by the thought. Her slightly shaking fingers still twirling his hair, trying to form a sentence. But her mind had already replayed every single little scenario in her mind as if it had happened Yesterday. From the war, from fighting the undead, walking around looking at the dead friends she had on the ground, dead friends turned into undead, friends she had to kill. The guilt of not having saved them. The next thought was blurry, but it hit her hard like an echo.


It made her gasp for air shortly, as she blinked a few tears out. She had no idea where it came from, but it burned in her chest. Like a missing piece never being able to be found. All she did know she was she hadn't been able to save him, but everything was an error still. Maya took a deeper breath in. "My guiltiest," she took a deeper breath in again. "I don't even know where to start Zadkiel, it's a long list of people that I should have tried to save that I couldn't." Maya took a deeper breath in. Her entire unit had been slaughted, her boyfriend of that time killed in the crossfire as well, the list of people Maya had lost over and over again in her short life was far longer than it should be. Maya licked her lips a little, trying to figure out what to say or do. "That I didn't save them. That I couldn't save them, that I almost couldn't save myself before I went to dark - I failed, I failed them, I failed everyone, and - I don't know, no matter where I go it still haunts me." I had never been fair that she was the only survivor of her unit, that the others had died while she lived.

"What about you?"

As soon as Maya took a sharper breath in, he made sure to pay extra attention to what she would be saying. He knew a lot of things about her, and he knew there was probably a lot of things she felt guilty about, where she had nothing to feel guilty about. But no matter how much one told you not to feel guilty, it didn’t change. She had been silent for a while. Longer than usual. It was never nice to pick up sore topics. He hummed a little while chewing, to approve that it was indeed that he asked about; her guiltiest. He noticed how her lips shivered, that being very easy from where he was laying. He placed his free hand on her back, hoping it would comfort her a little, to know that he was actually there. She wasn’t alone in this. She never would be. He heard her deeper breath and felt how her fingers shivered a little in his hair by pulling it minimally.

She gasped and blinked a few tears out of her eyes which almost made Zadkiel sit up to comfort her. Though he managed just to drop his carrot and let that hand find her cheek and start drying her tears, “Hey,” he whispered trying to get her out of the bad circle she might have gotten herself into. She then started to reply and Zadkiel slowly pulled his hand back. “Take your time,” he said calmly. He wasn’t here to determine what made her feel the guiltiest, but to listen to what she carried around with. He kept on staying aware of how she reacted, not wanting for her to feel too overwhelmed or pressured. She started to talk about how she had failed, how she couldn’t save people and how it haunted him.

And out of the blue she almost changed subject. She was quite good at doing such thing. He sat up and put his carrot on the plate with the other carrots before he turned to face his friend. “Maya, I think it might be smart that we get to talk about this. About what’s bugging you,” he said and let his hands hug her small hands. Yes, he might be trying to push her question away, but he truly also cared for Maya’s wellbeing, besides, she would probably remember that he didn’t reply.

He sat up making it a bit easier for Maya to do what she did best in situations where she felt emotional pressure, run, but she didn't run. "What is bugging me?" She clicked her tongue a little bit. "Nothing is bugging me, I mean," she took a sharper breath in and looked Zadkiel in the eye. Maya took a deeper breath in. "This year, this year is the first time over so many months that I've been happy. I'm happy, over the moon happy and so fucking grateful for everything," she licked her lips a little bit as she ran her hands over the curly blonde hair. Maya hadn't experienced much happiness in her life, small moments she had cherished with all her heart, maybe for a period of time that lasted a month, weeks and sometimes only hours. But since she had found her parents, it had been a ride of bliss and she felt on top of the world for the first time ever. "I want to be enough, because here I'm sitting with people that I love so much, and I'm terrified of losing them, I've never been so scared of losing anything in my entire life," she confessed holding her breath for a moment and folded her lips. Maya had tried that one before. People did have a thing for leaving her behind in the dust, either because of death or because they lost interest in her.

Fear of being abandoned was perhaps the thing that weighted most on her small shoulders. "I'm not bothered by what happened on the full-moon, not much either way, because now I have a little less pain in my life. I'm moving to London with Howie, I'm starting to actually live my life, and that is freaking me out.  But in a good way, because I can actually look forward to things now," she licked her lips a little bit while shaking her head. "I can look forward to actually celebrate my birthday next month, I haven't really done that and never with family - Christmas," she folded her lips together a little. She knew her ramble of words were a little over the place, that was how her mind worked and sometimes things just were everywhere and nowhere at the same time.

"But from one person to another who likes to take care of everybody but themselves, hit me, what's going on?"