I should've been there (CW, TW)

WARNING: Death and sexsual content.

Place: Thunder Grove nr. 4
Date and time: 30th of March 2021, 23:52
Weather: Foggy.
Outfit: Dark blue shorts
Dedicated to: @Letha Aetós

The telephone was placed on the nightstand, vibrating like crazy. Zadkiel was in the middle of brushing his teeth when he heard it and started to walk into the bedroom to get it. Tien. He hurried back to spit out the foamy toothpaste before he picked up the phone. Whenever Tien called, it was either something serious or that she needed a ben and jerries.
“Hey Tien, wh-”
“Mom’s gone,”
“I’m sure she’ll be back soon enough.”
“No… You don’t understand,” Tien’s voice seemed get more and more hoarse as if something was blocking her throat. “She’s not coming back,” she sobbed, trying to collect her breath.
“What do you mean she’s not coming back? I’m sure she’s just working ov-”
“No Zad!” she sobbed. “She’s dead!”
“No, she’s not. I talked to her a couple of hours ago,” Zadkiel thought Tien was trying to joke with him.
“Zadkiel, I-” Tien sobbed so much, that she couldn’t speak. The confused smile that had been on his lips started to fade. She wasn’t joking.
“Tien where are you? Where’s Seraphina and Kemuel?”
“Sera is in her room. Kemuel doesn’t know yet. I’m right outside home.” Zadkiel tried to process everything and it certainly showed, the way he frowned an stared at the sink.
“Is mom in good hands?”
Tien nodded trying to catch her breath. “Yes,” she squealed.
“Tien? Do you want me over?”
It was quite silent for a while. He heard how something was sniffed for a long time. “No,” she lied. “I’ll call dad and Laila in the morning,” she mumbled. “Please let me tell them… You weren’t there,” she requested.
“Okay, but-”
“Goodnight, Zadkiel,” Tien hung up.

Zadkiel took his phone away from his ear, looking at the perfect screen, watching how the screen told him, that Tien had hung up. He put down the toothbrush he had had in his hand and turned his back to the sink, leaning against it. He felt how his heart was racing, but everything around him was completely calm. He sank the lump in his throat as he felt a tear run down his cheek, soon to be removed by the back of his hand. Zadkiel wasn’t the person to cry, and even now, it was only that one tear that had escaped his eyes. He tilted his head backwards, blinking a couple of times, before he turned around to face the mirror, shaking his head at himself. He hadn’t been there, and he had left the family vulnerable. How could he have believed that when the family split up and moved somewhere else, that all of their problems would be solved?
“Fuck!” He cursed angrily at himself and hit the counter, which made the glass container for the toothbrushes fall and break into pieces. “Shit,” he whispered, quickly lifting his hand to check it for any bleeding wounds. Nothing. “Sorry,” he called, not really sure whether or not if Letha heard him. Carefully he started to scoop up the glass shards. Zadkiel rarely expressed negative emotions or cursed. Honestly he couldn’t remember if Letha had even seen him being either angry or sad.

His thoughts from the conversation he had just had with Tien, spiraled in his mind. You weren’t there. Had Tien been standing right next to their mother while she died? Had something happened at work? Had she tripped on the stairs and broken her neck? What had happened?
The cold hands against his skin made his movements shake a bit, not from the cold, but from managing his feelings. He let go of the pieces before he would accidentally cut himself, clenching down on the pieces. His brown eyes stayed on the floor. The pieces of porcelain started to resemble his family. He could clue it together, but it would never be the same and somehow this time, it felt like two big pieces were missing. His parents were separated, making them see their father less often, and now, their mother had died. Cael probably had ha whole lot on his plate anyway, and it might be too much to call him, asking for help. It wasn’t like he had much time to help before. It was always about work.

What happened? He tried to swallow the lump in his throat. The lump being the fact that he had to find the courage to tell Letha what was going on. The lump, that usually kept him from overflowing of emotions. It was like the fingers on his cheek woke him up, and she looked up at Letha, with a smile, that didn’t want to appear properly, constantly turning upside down. “It’s my mum,” he mumbled, almost whispering. One thing was to lose soldiers, another was to lose a family member. As she minimized the distance between them, his eyes had trouble being focus on Letha and sought down between them. When she pulled him into a hug, he felt how everything seemed to crumble, but he couldn’t let his guards down yet. Maybe Tien changed her mind? “I wasn’t there,” he said with a heavy breathing. Blaming himself seemed much easier, than to focus on. “I should’ve been there,” he said shaking his head slightly in her embrace before he slowly wrapped his arms around her. He had even heard how Tien had gone straight back to her drugs, even though she was so close to being completely sober. He had failed them all. Her mother, Kemuel, Seraphina, Tien, Laila and his father. Every one of them. He should’ve been the one protecting them and making sure they felt safe. If he had been there, his mother would’ve been alive.

He had to help everyone, letting himself wait. Selfless, some would call him. It was difficult to answer Letha, even though he wanted her to know everything – even though he didn’t even know everything himself. He had no clue how his mother had died, only that she was no longer living. Was it a heart attack? An accident? Had she been killed? The questions could go on forever and however much his mind seemed to spiral about what could’ve caused his mothers death, he felt worse about himself for not being there with his siblings. They must’ve been out of their minds. It was only Tien and Seraphina who knew about it, and by Tien’s words, it seemed like they had been close enough to watch their mother dying.

He tried to form words, but nothing seemed to leave his mouth. It simply stood open. It was a tough pill to swallow. He stayed in her embrace for quite a while, feeling how his lungs once in a while forced him to breathe – almost like a hiccup. She repeated her question. What had happened? He pulled away from her embrace, put only enough to look her in the eyes. “I don’t know,” he replied. “She’s gone,” his heart sunk as he spoke the words. He completely understood why Tien had used the exact same words over the phone. The actual word of her condition was too difficult to say. He felt weak and his arms slowly fell down onto the floor. His face was painted with regret and sorrow. “I wasn’t there,” he repeated and shook his head, before he let himself sit on his butt instead of on top of his knees. He rested against the sink. “She relapsed,” he added – talking about Tien who he had heard sniffing some drug over the phone. “I-… I’m worried about them,” he said. It was true enough – except for the fact that he was mourning filled more. He didn’t want to confess to that. “She didn’t want me to come over… She thinks everything is under control,” he said, trying to conclude everything she had said. “I thought she was joking” he said, shaking his head. He was such a jerk for not believing her from the start. How stupid of him. He felt defeated.

The Golden Boy was defeated.

He covered his eyes once as he felt the heat around them grew bigger, and color flushed to his face as he struggled to keep the tears at bay. He had lost and tears started to run down his cheeks. He quickly tried to dry them of. “I’m sorry,” he tried to collect himself, sniffing. Mentally, he tried to pack the thought of his mother death into boxes, so he could seal them and throw them away. He didn’t want to grieve, unless he was alone. The only thing he had forgotten about exactly that, was that he wouldn’t be left alone, unless he directly asked Leatha to leave. He also knew that she probably wouldn’t let him pack everything away just yet. She was smart and would probably unpack everything he tried to hide. Something about him just didn’t want to look weak in front of Letha. She needed him strong, brave and caring.

She told him not to apologize, and it only grew a bigger hole in the sorrow – not that she didn’t want him to apologize, but the fact that he had no reason to, but didn’t want to admit it. His lips were pressed together as she got up and asked him to follow. His head looked up at her. Lips were stretched and unhappy. His jaw was shut tight, making his jawbone seem wider.
He put a hand on the sink and one in her hand, before he got to his feet. Even though his legs were more than strong enough, it felt like his emotions wanted him to lay down – floor or bed, anything could do. He sought support by the sink, letting his arm keep him upright. Stop thinking that you can carry everything on your shoulders. Her words cut deep, and he let out a single sob looking down at his feet, shaking his head lightly. He couldn’t believe this was actually happening. His mother had passed and his girlfriend told him not to let everything weigh on his shoulders – of course, he knew that he was allowed to mourn, but he shouldn’t immediately think he needed to be the one who made sure everything was working. Somebody else should do that. Apparently, Tien seemed to have everything under control… Except for the fact that he had relapsed.

He felt her cold hands around his burning face, and he looked up at her. I love you. He pulled a smile for a moment. As she elaborated what she loved, he closed his eyes tight and looked down. A tear rolled down his cheek. He leaned against the sink. He lifted a hand up to dry the tear away and pinch the bridge of his nose, sniffing a bit. He tried to calm himself down, so a conversation would be easier. Let me in Zadkiel, please.
“I’m trying!” he almost shouted and forcefully got out of the grip she had on his face, by letting his hand pull hers away. He turned his back to her, spotted an open closet and slammed it shut. “I’m trying…” he sobbed and rested his head against the closet.

Her voice was so small and fragile. Slowly he started to realized what he had done, and that it might’ve hurt her. It hurt him to think about that. He was weak and filled with grief that he had lashed out when she had tried to help him. How terrible he was. He forced himself to take a deep breath in. I’ll give you some time. He stood still waiting for her steps to disappear. He shook his head gently over himself. He hit the closet door and started sobbing. Shortly after the tears ran down his cheeks and he sat down on the closed toilet to rest his legs. He put his elbows on his knees and let his hands hold around his eyes and temples as he cried. He didn’t mean to hurt Letha. She had even said that she loved him, and all he had done was to turn his back to her. “I love you,” he cried with a low voice, even though she wasn’t nearby.

He dried his eyes and got up to look himself in the mirror. His eyes were red, and the skin under his eyes, red from the tears. He sighed, turned on the sink and splashed some cold water in his face. Collect yourself. He took a towel and patted his wet face dry. He looked up from the towel and felt some of the pain rush over him again. He threw the towel at the mirror out of anger – not that anything happened. He looked at the towel as it fell down onto the sink. He then folded it into a perfect quadrant and put it back into its place. He sighed and turned his sight to the pieces of porcelain on the floor. Calmly, he collected it pieces and with a nearby broom, he dusted the small flakes away to be removed another day.
With the big shards in his hands he went downstairs and into the kitchen. As soon as he saw Letha he stopped. “I’m sorry,” he said and pulled a slightly easier smile, which sought forgiveness. He then approached the bin for porcelain and let the pieces fall into it, dusting off his hands, before he turned his attention to Letha again. He raised his hands to around his ribcage, to move them as he spoke: “I really didn’t mean to do that,” He kept his eyes at her while he spoke, and let his gaze fall upon the three kitchen counters that was the distance between them. “I promise you… I won’t ever do it again,” he promised while he looked at her again. If he had scared her, he didn’t want to step closer unless she was comfortable with it.

”Sor-” he muted himself, as he was bout to apologize for apologizing. She approached and cupped his face, making him look at her. It was clear, that his muscles couldn’t agree whether the corners of his mouth should be up or down. It made it slightly easier to smile, when she told him that she knew that he didn’t mean to do it. As her arms snaked around his neck in a hug, he felt how his heart sunk and he calmly closed his arms around her waist, slowly tightening. His breathing was wobbly, as she whispered that she would rather have him show his emotions than just keeping them in. No matter what, it wasn’t okay to act out in aggression, but he also knew that when he was so far out in his emotions, he had his tendencies. I don’t want to hurt you.
Nothing you do will scare me away. He shook his head, slightly in denial, but then nodded. “I love you, Letha,” he whispered to her. He closed his eyes, frowning a bit before he slowly leaned his forehead towards her. Just to rest. It may seem crazy for some, but Zadkiel felt it had a calming effect. “I don’t want to hurt you,” he whispered to her. His eyes were still shot, and his forehead resting against hers. It was slightly comical, that he said that to a vampire, who probably could take a hit or two. But the important thing here, was that if he one day, out of aggression accidentally hit or threw something at her, she might not take physical damage, but the love between them would take the hit. He didn’t wish to harm the relationship they had.

He wouldn’t do it, but it was still a possibility that might happen anyway. But he wished that it would never be a reality. He would never forgive himself if he hurt her. As soon as her forehead moved, he was just about to open his eyes, when he felt her lips against his, in a small peck. He did what he could, to reciprocate it, before she removed her lips from his.
He pulled on a light hesitant smile, as she said she would be there no matter if it was good or bad times. It pleased him, and he wished that it would forever stay like that. If you just let me. He sighed, somewhat relieved, and nodded slightly. He just had to figure out how he could depend on others. Her fingers were loving and cold against his burning face. He pulled on a smile, as she ran her fingers through his hair, pushing it back. It was almost as if she pushed the weight away from his mind. He could care about them at some other time. Right now, he could recover with her.

I love you so much. It was almost breathtaking. A low and somewhat pleasant hum came from him as she kissed him. He finally had the chance to reciprocate it right, pulling her closer for a more passionate kiss. He let his kisses travel from her lips, along her jawline, to her ear and slowly down her neck. “I love you,” he repeated whisperingly between kisses, nearby her ear.

She pulled away, leaving him slightly breathless. She could cloud the thoughts racing in his mind, but not if she pulled away like she did. Therefore, he was relieved, when it seemed like she understood and pulled him closer. It relaxed him and suppressed the sad, grieving feeling. Covering it with a feeling of love, passion and a growing lust. He wished for comfort and a feeling of being loved; physical contact and quality time meant most to him.
Her sigh, seemed like an approval to his kisses. He didn’t see how her eyes almost glowed, but he heard her whisper. The passion only grew, with her words. He felt so secure – nothing was going to pin him down right now. He wanted to handle things another time – in the morning.

He approved of her words, with a small humming sound, deeply concentrated on her. His hum turned to a low humming growl of passion, as she ran her fingers through his hair. Gently and confident, his hands opened her robes, so his hands could wrap around her night dress. One hand went up her almost bare back and the other slid down to her bum to pull her even closer. He was insisting with every move he made. He didn’t want to think twice – because twice would continue to double. “I’ll never leave you,” he whispered as he reached her left collarbone. So fine and sharp. He lowered himself, and let his hands follow him down. One supported her lower back, and the other prepared itself to carry her weight. If she let him, he would lift her up, kiss her along the neckline while he walked towards the stairs.

He reached the stairs and had to talk slowly up, to be sure he wouldn’t trip on the steps. He wanted her, and taking the stairs right now was the only thing that prevented him. He almost wished that he could just spread his wings out, and just fly upstairs, but then again, he wouldn’t risk it going to fast neither that his wings may or may not be to big for the stairs, unless they were folded in.

He managed to get all the way into the bedroom, without tripping. Slowly and gently he put her down onto the bed. He didn’t just want to toss her around like he didn’t care – because he cared. He continued kissing her, and let his hand slide from her back up towards her breast to caress it from the outside of the dress. His hand, which had carried her weight, slide up under the dress, over her hipbone, down between her legs on top of her underwear, caressing. Hopefully whatever he did felt pleasurable. “I want you,” he whispered almost breathless against her lips “I want every inch of you,” He started to let his lips kiss her neck once again. He started wondering, if the protection he had bought was still in the drawer of his nightstand.

CW – sexual content

Her kisses seemed mind-blowing. Nothing existed except for the two of them. The moan she gave him, as he caressed her chest, was like a pat on the shoulder. Not that he lacked confidence, but the moan boosted it – he was going in the right direction. The hand between her legs also quite quickly observed that her body seemed ready. As her his buckled he tried his best to correct himself – even though I seemed like a puzzle to figure out what she wished for, even though she seemed quite satisfied.
He groaned a bit against her neck, as she scraped her nails across his skin. It was a nice feeling, that somehow let him know that what he did in some way also distracted her from not scraping his skin.
One of her hands found its way to his, which made him slightly confused. Didn’t she want it anyway? He paused for a split second, until he realized that she only corrected him. Through the thin layer of underwear, he could also feel exactly what she had guided him to – and her response to finding the small pearl of pleasure, made it quite clear and he mentally noted he had to find it to please her. Just right there on the top of everything.
A satisfied smirk appeared on his lips as she praised what he was doing. She was mesmerizing to watch under him. Without really noticing, she had gotten a grip around his member and he let a small groan roam from his throat.
With a simple flick of his fingers, they traveled sideways and pulled her underwear to the side, just for his fingers to caress approximately the same spot. Everything seemed moist. If she yet, hadn’t complained, he would slowly let a finger slide inside. Depending on her response, he would slide out, around and back in, accompanied by another finger.

As her hand started moving, his breathing immediately started to get heavier, and he felt more and more ready to get right down to it. His mind was only about them, suppressing everything else. Her hand ran through his hair, pulling his head slightly backwards, leaving him to groan slightly next to her ear. All of a sudden, she removed her hands from him. Wondering what was going on, he looked down between them, seeing how she had to grab the duvet in pleasure. He chuckled lightly before he continued with his fingers and kissing her neck.
He smiled for him self as she told him not to stop, “Mhmm,” he replied, but let the hand from her chest slide down along her side, under her dress and sensually let his fingers grab around the side of the underwear she was wearing and started pulling off as well as he could, even though it was slightly difficult, when he hovered over her, like he did, and with a hand intertwined, so it couldn’t just come off. He groaned, slightly displeased with needing to remove his hand from her, so he could get the job done. He removed his lips from her neck, straightening up before he finally removed her underwear completely, throwing them off the bed.
His hand sought between her legs once again, and he started kissing her collarbones quite so gently, while his free hand tried to reach his drawer. It was many things to keep track of. He also had to give up, since his balance wouldn’t allow him to reach the drawer. He groaned a bit and nibbled the skin close to her collarbone. “Just a moment,” he whispered, before he quickly crawled over to the drawer, with as few movements as possible, before he grabbed a small package, containing protection, and a bottle of lube. He had done his research – or at least that was what he was convince with.
He crawled back to her, and with slight trouble, with wet fingers, opened the package, put it on and put just a bit of lube on it. He let his fingers seek back between her legs, searching for her eyes – even though it might be troublesome when his fingers tried to please her. “Is it okay?” he asked – if she had trouble answering, he would stop, just for a moment to make sure she hadn’t any second thoughts.

Being quite focused with the protection, he pulled on a slight smirk, as she was suddenly completely naked in front of him. Every freckle and birthmark was getting imprinted in his mind, as she let her fingers find their way behind his neck. She seemed a bit calmer and more collected – had he left her for too long? He hoped not.
As soon as his fingers gave her some more attention, it seemed like she was thrown a bit back into the pleasure she had been in. He kissed her back passionately. “I’m sure,” he whispered towards her lips, before he kissed her once again passionately. He lowered himself, so she could lay more or less down. All of you. Another kiss was placed on his lips, while he got closer until his member touched the back of his hand. His heart was beathing towards his chest, aroused and excited. “You’ll have all of me,” he told her before he removed his fingers, shortly looking down between them, to guide his member with his hand to her entrance. His hand then found its way back to the bed, to make sure he wouldn’t lose balance. He looked back up at her, to make sure she hadn’t changed her mind before he would slide in slowly, with a satisfied moan. Shortly he closed his eyes, feeling ecstatic, before he looked towards her eyes, kissed her, and started thrusting. Everything felt overwhelming – but right now it was what he felt like he needed.

Not being used to lay in the position he was in, he tried to figure out how he could thrust the easiest – but it wasn’t that simple. Except for the technique being difficult, he didn’t want to last the ‘classic two minutes’, even though something in him begged for giving her all he had – and not ‘just’ making love as he seemingly did right now.
Out of nowhere she suddenly turned them around, so she was sitting on top of him. It shocked him a bit, and he had to blink a couple of times, to feel like he was up to date with what had just happened. His hands sought to her hips, while he looked up into her eyes. They were almost glowing in the dark – he didn’t recon that he had noticed that about her before. He licked his lips slightly tightening his grip as she started to move around, trying to help her. He tilted his head back a bit with a groan. This was perfect – right now at least.
She picked up in speed and threw her head back. It was too good. Way too good. One hand found its way to her breast, and started to caress it. Soon, he wouldn’t be able to last any longer, even though he wanted to. “I-…” he said out of breath. No, he couldn’t tell her that he was already near his climax. Even though it seemed like she was enjoying herself, it didn’t seem like she was about to climax. With a grunt, he did his best to thrust more and harder while she circulated around. It didn’t help himself. The way she looked, sounded and felt was way too good. “I’m coming,” he whispered out of breath, before he let his hands back to her thighs and tried to thrust just a tad deeper, holding her thighs down, for a couple of thrusts before he felt the pressure unleash and how his body seemed to get tired immediately. Still breathing deeply.