A Wound That May Never Heal

He’d walked for hours through Gaia, observing every single person and thing with fascination. Everything still seemed so strange and new to him, and he'd always been interested to learn more about the humans and their world. As the sun was setting, he decided it was time for him to go back. The only problem was he had no idea where he was. Darkness surrounded the town he’d entered, and he breathed in the cool evening air as he observed two men staring at him, as if they could tell he didn’t belong there. He turned down a busier street, seeing a few people standing outside and talking while some went inside of a building. He smiled faintly at the sound of music coming inside of it, although it seemed far from the classical music he practiced. He walked inside of the club, looking around it before he stopped at the bar. “Excuse me, sir, but can you tell me where I am?” he asked, looking at the nearest staff member. “You’re in Sirens Club, Southside,” he answered, making Zachary stare at him for a moment as he’d heard of its reputation, of how angels were advised to stay away from it. “Thank you,” he said, glancing down at the counter as he felt terrible thinking about his past life, but at this point he was convinced that no one cared where he was. “Can I get you anything to drink?” the guy asked, making him look up at his face again. “Water,” he replied and a few moments later he placed a glass in front of him. He rested his arm on the bar counter to reach for his glass, thinking of the map of Gaia to figure out where he was in comparison to the rest of the country. He then looked around at the people in the club, briefly meeting a blonde girl’s eyes, before his gaze stopped at a couple dancing. He took a sip of his water when he heard a soft voice next to him. He looked at her as she'd asked him something. “I don't know,” he said with a thoughtful expression. For the majority of his time on Earth, he'd eaten old scraps that the demons had given him, and those were definitely not anything he'd want to eat for the rest of his life. “I haven’t tried much food since angels don’t eat in Heaven,” he added. He sent her a calm smile as she said her name. “I’m Zachary,” he introduced himself, looking at her with a curious gaze as he wondered why she'd asked him that. “What about you? What would you choose?” he returned the question.

“Yes,” he replied, looking into the air with a wistful expression as he knew he couldn’t return to Heaven again. He’d been banished the moment he murdered innocent souls and there was no getting back from that. He turned his eyes to her as she said it seemed odd that they didn’t eat. “It is, but it’s not for us to take… and being in Heaven, it feels different than here,” he answered, hoping that she understood that Heaven wasn’t comparable to Earth.
He took a sip of his water, considering what she said about it being the dark side of this land, and for a moment he contemplated whether the darkness inside of him had drawn him to this place. “Well… I’m not exactly in my right mind,” he said, looking at her. His thoughts had been full of despair and self-loathe in the past months. He didn't understand why God hadn't done anything to prevent his fall or why he'd ignored every single prayer for help, and he hated himself for how it had ended, wanting nothing more than to take it all back. “Why are you here, Maya?” he asked, assuming she’d referred to her own mindset as well.
He adjusted his posture at her next question, looking at his water as he considered it. “I’m looking for a purpose… some sort of meaning to come out of my fall,” he said with a melancholy in his voice, looking down at the table as he’d never felt worse about himself. “But I have no idea what that purpose is,” he said before he turned his gaze to her. His life had meaning in Heaven. He'd had hopes and dreams for his future. But Earth had washed all of that away, and now he was left with a torment that was worse than anything he'd ever experienced.

He nodded when she said she wasn't in her right mind either. “You want to talk about it?” he asked. He wouldn’t mind it if she did. If anything, it would help distract him from his own thoughts. He looked at her as if she’d asked him to do something impossible. He’d tried to find acceptance and he'd tried to find ways where his fall would lead to something better, but no matter how hard he tried, he just couldn’t accept what had happened. Not a moment went by where he didn’t hate himself for what he'd done. “How do you tell yourself to accept the fact that you murdered innocent humans?” he asked in a sad voice. He didn’t know if he’d ever accept the course of his path in time, but for now, nothing inside of him could get past that incident. “Why didn't anyone stop me?” he whispered. He didn't understand why God hadn't prevented those deaths from happening. Now his only hope was that they'd been resurrected as angels. He took a deep breath in, wondering how he’d ever be able to handle the guilt inside of him. He wanted to ask his family for forgiveness, thinking that it was the first step in facing the guilt he felt and that if they forgave him, then perhaps he’d forgive himself as well. But there was no guarantee for what they'd say. “I take it you know what it feels like… to take someone’s life,” he said, returning his gaze to her. It meant that she understood what it was like, even if it hadn’t been an accident. He tried to smile by her next comment, appreciating her attempt to make him feel better. “Looks can deceive,” he said. He wanted to believe that he could still do good, but it wasn't easy considering the evil he'd done in his short time on Earth.

He looked at her for a moment, wondering about her past and how her life had turned out that way. He wasn't the least judgmental of her crimes, believing that she'd done what was necessary to survive. “I’m sorry to hear that,” he said, feeling saddened by the darkness that roamed Earth and how many lives it tormented each day. He nodded slowly by her words. He hoped that he wasn’t meant to be evil, but he also didn’t know what to hope or believe at this point. He turned his head as a woman spoke behind them. She seemed oddly familiar, as if he’d seen her before. He glanced away from her eyes when she said the reason he wasn’t saved. It had been what he’d thought as well, that he was this evil person who didn't deserve salvation. He'd prayed every day for someone to save him from the torture, but nothing had happened, so it was easy to convince him of this. He lowered his gaze as she said his father would hate him for what he’d become, taking a deep breath in as he wanted to appear strong in this.  “You don’t know my father,” he said. He still had a slight hope of him forgiving him for what he’d done, although he of course feared that the opposite would happen. It didn’t occur to him that the woman knew his father personally, even if she knew who he was. Or that was until she revealed her name which made him look up at her. He couldn’t believe that she was here, after everything he’d heard about her. He’d never wanted to become anything like Maelle or Lucifer, yet here he was, banished to Earth just like them. “It’s you,” he said with a slightly stronger voice, shifting between her eyes as he’d never imagined meeting her. “Why are you here?” he asked. Perhaps she was right about them having to stay together. She knew more than anyone how it was to be a fallen angel, but he doubted that was the reason she was here.

He knew that his father had been the one to send her to a deserted Earth, but it was by God’s command. If it had been up to his father, he was certain that she'd been locked up in Heaven and served her time amongst other angels. But truth was, he didn’t know his father as much as he’d like to believe. He’d only visited Zachary in Heaven on occasion and most of the time he’d been busy with work, so he’d never been as close to him as some of his siblings. His heart dropped when she said his father would put God before his own son. It went against everything he’d ever told him about family, and regardless of her being the example of this, he didn't want to believe a thing she said. He didn't want any of it to be true. “You’re lying,” he said with a raised voice, but it was clear to tell that he was conflicted regarding it.
He nodded when Maya said they should go. He knew that they should. He’d been warned about Maelle and what she was capable of, yet something inside of him wanted to stay. He wanted to learn more about what it meant to be a fallen angel and who was better to teach him than her? He parted his lips as she asked him a question, afraid to tell her no. She’d have no problem stopping him if that’s what she wanted, and in the worst case, he’d hurt both him and Maya for leaving. “She’s right,” he then said, turning his gaze to Maya for the first time with a serious look in his eyes. She shouldn’t take her threat lightly. “It’s okay, you can leave if you want but I’m staying,” he told her, trying to remain calm even though his heart felt like it was about to jump out of his chest. He feared what would happen if he lost control of his emotions again, so he tried his best not to be angry with her spiteful words, hoping that she’d hold it to a minimum. He looked back at Maelle with a careful gaze, wondering how she’d even found him when no other angel had. “Do you know what happened to me?” he asked.

He watched Maya as she left, suddenly feeling alone again. He returned his eyes to Maelle, already dreading the chat they were about to have, but if he could face her, then maybe he'd be able to face the rest of his family as well. “I just met her, but she seems kind,” he said, referring to her comment about Maya. He somehow found it hard to believe that she wasn’t here to hurt him, but if it was true, he considered himself lucky. After all, she had plenty of incentive to. He scoffed when she said he’d learn to like Earth because so far it had mostly shown its darkness and cruelty. The only good thing Earth had given him was meeting Leta and her family. But everything else had tormented him, ultimately ending in his fall from grace. He simply didn’t see how he was ever supposed to thrive considering that. “I’ve only been on Earth for a few months and I’ve already done bad. What good does it do to live on Earth if I hurt the one thing that I swore to protect... if what I am is evil?” he asked her, breathing out as he glanced down at his hands. The same hands that had been covered with blood in his sorry attempt to save the humans he’d murdered. “I’ve tried to beg God for his forgiveness, praying that he’d give me a second chance, saying that I'd accept any other punishment… but all I received was silence,” he said, staring blankly into the air before he looked into her eyes. “And now… I have no idea what I’m supposed to do,” he ended, hoping that somewhere she’d have some piece of advice that came from a place of empathy for his situation. However, he was aware of the fact that she probably couldn't give it to him, and who knew if she even remembered what she'd felt like back then.

He knew that her situation had been far worse. She’d wandered the Earth all alone for centuries. But he wondered how long it’d taken her to get accustomed to it. He didn’t quite understand how he was supposed to let go of the God-created ideas about evil. The ruleset he’d always lived by. Could Earth really be that different? Was it so easy to bend those rules and live for something so simple as survival? He glanced away from her as she stated the truth of his situation. It did hurt. It pained him more than anything he’d ever experienced. He’d been abandoned by God and his family. Even after he'd been set free. “I’m in charge of my own fate?” he asked, turning his gaze back to her with a confused expression. “That one's new,” he added as he'd never heard anyone tell him that before. In Heaven, there was no such thing as free will and unless you climbed the ranks, you simply followed orders. It was all he’d ever known. And still, with all of that stripped away from him. He still needed purpose and meaning.

He curved his lips briefly when she said they could do whatever they wanted, admiring her for thinking like that. He looked at the beer as she handed it to him before he took a sip of it, taking in the strange taste. He listened to her as she explained her point of view of what happened back when she’d fallen. She was right. His father hadn’t talked about what the angel had done to her. And his murders had been accidents too. He’d been pushed too far by those demons. But God didn’t care about that. He’d not deemed him worthy of salvation. Zachary looked at her with a hint of surprise as she talked of this place for fallen angels, almost anticipating her to say what he needed to do for that to happen. He was intrigued by her offer. Intrigued by the idea of a place where he’d truly feel like he belonged. And truth be told, he did feel like he imposed on Leta and her family. That he was a burden to them and that he'd already received far more from them than he'd given. He took a deep breath in as he weighed his options. He had to avoid thinking about his father and what he would think of him for joining Maelle, or how he’d think of him by and large, considering the crimes he'd committed. “Say I go with you... How do I know you’re not going to hurt me?” he asked, hoping that she wouldn't take offense of it. But he had to be assured of this. That she didn't have some agenda of using him.

The realization of her not wanting to hurt him because he was fallen hit something inside of him. He believed that it was the very reason that his family hadn’t looked for him. Because he was worthless in their eyes now. He tilted his head slightly as she asked him to promise her something, considering it for a moment. He’d never wanted to disappoint his father, but then again, he already had and if he truly was so almighty. He'd surely be able to find him regardless. “I promise,” he said in a sincere voice, doubting that he’d meet his father anytime soon, so that helped. He took a moment to process her thoughts about God. They were nothing like the imagery of God that he’d grown up with. “No, that’s not it… He created us all… He made the idea of Good and Evil, and he isn’t anything but Good, He can’t sin,” he said, stating all of the things he’d been taught, not helping to ponder about her view of him. If any of the things he'd been told was a lie. But either way, it didn’t matter. He was, after all, to be considered corrupt and evil in that image. Even despite the fact that he'd otherwise followed God's will. But he supposed that mattered close to nothing now. Instead, he had to come to terms with this new life.
His father was the most powerful angel he knew, but perhaps she was right. Perhaps it was only that way because of his loyalty to God. But could she really blame him for that? Most angels would have done the same. And still, it did pain him to think about the fact that perhaps God was why he hadn’t cared enough to help Zachary from those demons. Zachary took another sip of the beer, sinking his thoughts of doubt before he got up from the chair. He gave her a nod as she told him to follow her, before he reached for her hand, ready for her to take him home to this place of fallen angels. To the people who were dealing with the exact same thing he was.

It was hard to think about the fact that God had enemies. Other deities creating havoc in his world. But he couldn’t deny the fact that it somewhat made sense of what he’d seen of Earth so far. Not that he’d believe that they were more powerful than Him because from his perspective those gods were considered false. Either way, everything she’d told him was already a lot to wrap his head around. And despite knowing that he shouldn't go with her out of all people, he felt strangely relaxed in her presence. As if nothing bad would happen to him for doing so.
He followed Maelle into an old prison, looking around at everything with a curious gaze. He’d never actually seen a prison before, but people seemed happy here, so he knew that it didn’t feel like a prison to them. Seeing all those fallen angels in one place gave him hope. Hope that he could thrive here just like they did. “It looks amazing,” he commented before he moved his blue eyes to a girl named Hecate. After Maelle left, he sent her a friendly smile. He couldn't explain why, but he felt drawn to her in some way. As if he already knew her. “Thank you,” he said, tilting his head slightly as he tried to determine what she was, sensing both light and darkness in her. She then proceeded to tell him that she was half-angel and half-demon, clearly surprised to hear this. Angels and demons procreating were highly looked down upon in Heaven - and most likely in Hell as well. Perhaps that was why her father had left her. It was also possible that he’d been punished and persecuted for this. He wasn’t the least judgmental of it, however. He’d started to believe that everyone had good and bad in them. At least, it was what he tried to tell himself. And in his opinion, there wasn't the slightest bad in loving another person. “That would be nice,” he replied as she offered him food. “So, if you don’t mind me asking… How did you end up here?” he asked, interested to know more about her and the place that he soon hoped to call home.

It was hard to believe that Maelle had given all these people a home out of charity. But it was what it appeared like. That she wasn’t as bad as the stories portrayed her to be. He looked at her when she said that she considered this her family now. He found it reassuring to hear her say that. Zachary was still conflicted when it came to what he once knew and what he’d learned on Earth and he still had no idea whether his family cared for him after his banishment. Ironically, the only people who’d shown their kindness and given him shelter was people that his father had warned him about. The humans hadn’t given him a single penny. If anything, they looked repulsed the moment they saw him sitting on the street corner begging for money, so he’d quickly stopped doing it. He looked from her to the kitchen as she returned the question. “I believe fate brought me here… and I guess a part of me is hoping it’ll make me at peace with what I’ve become,” he replied, looking at the food she was heating up. He felt an unbearable shame and guilt for what he’d done and he wanted more than anything to be able to get past that. Perhaps the fallen angels could help him see the light at the end of it all. “I’m still not sure about Maelle… Heaven doesn’t exactly speak kind words of her and I know she must despise my father and God for what they've done to her,” he admitted, returning his eyes to her as he wondered what her opinion of Maelle was. It had to be quite the contrary considering what she'd done for her. But Hecate. He had a good feeling about her. Like she could be trusted. It made him think that perhaps she was part of the reason fate had led him here. Even if he didn't know why.

He nodded as he listened to her, thinking that he still had much to learn about the world. He sat down by the table as she placed the food on top of it, taking a sip of the water as he raised his gaze to her. He wasn’t sure if he understood her because the only thing he was certain of was that God’s truth was the only one and that he'd created the moral standards that this world knew. But he supposed there were different perspectives regarding other things. And he liked the idea of making his own choices. It was something he'd never thought much about in his past life. He took a bite of the food as he thought more about her words before she asked him another question, changing his train of thought completely. He already feared that his father had turned his back on him. That he was aware of his fall and had decided to disown him for his sins. “I’m afraid that he won’t give me a second chance... that he won’t understand my situation and deny the answers I seek. That’s why I wanted to come here, to be with other fallen angels to try and learn things from their perspective,” he replied. He didn’t necessarily think he’d turn his back on him, but it wouldn’t surprise him either. After all, God had deemed him beyond salvation, condemning him to Earth for the rest of his life.

He looked into her eyes with gratitude, feeling truly happy to hear her say that he could always come to her. “Thank you,” he said in a sincere tone, lowering his gaze to their hands as she placed hers on top of his. “You have no idea how much that means to me,” he added, looking into her eyes again. He felt calm in her presence, and it was something that had become a rarity after his fall. Even if he’d felt it all the time in Heaven. He’d mostly felt pain and suffering on Earth. But she managed to distract him from that. She gave him feelings of joy and hope, and that he could tell her anything without being judged for it. He then took another sip of his water as he looked around the kitchen. “What else can you tell me about this place?” he asked. After all, it seemed rather unusual to have all of these people living together in a prison, so it only made sense that there'd be certain rules or a shared purpose of some kind.

He nodded as she said that it’d be easier to show him before he finished his food. He was intrigued by the idea of this place leading to many others. “Like portals?” he asked. He’d only read about time travel and portals in books, knowing how rare they were to come across. But considering the long time that Maelle had lived on Earth, it didn’t surprise him if she had those kinds of rarities. He took a sip of his water as she explained more about the place, and how it was like a family. He’d already started to consider the people he stayed at as his family, but for some reason, this place spoke to him in an unexplainable way. Like this was where he was supposed to be for the time being. Zachary followed her towards the sleeping areas. His gaze studying everything on their way. Many things were still new to him. Technology was still the hardest thing for him to grasp, but he was sure that it would all come to him with time. He stopped at his new room, looking at it for a moment as she explained that her room was around the corner. “Thank you, Hecate,” he said, moving his blue eyes to look at her. If it wasn’t his nightmares keeping him awake, it was his thoughts that haunted him. Always leading him into a dark and godforsaken place. But at least it was comforting to know that there were others like him around, so he’d never truly feel alone like that again. He walked further into the room before he sat down on the bed, and although it didn’t feel as soft as comforting as the one he’d had with Leta. He still felt like it was right of him to be here. “Will you give me the full tour tomorrow?” he asked her with a faint smile, hoping that he'd get to spend more time with her the following day. And if he was lucky, he'd get to try one of those portals for himself.