What have I become?

He listened to her explain why that was, not understanding how it was easier to be cruel, mostly because it hadn't been something he'd grown up around. “I think that’s a great purpose,” he said, looking at her with a soft gaze before he sat down on the bed next to her. He let her pull him down with her, breathing out as he laid down on the bed, looking up at the ceiling as she continued talking. “And did you… see potential in me?” he asked, turning his head to look at her as she’d said this. He thought it was a beautiful thing, to want to see the best in people, regardless of their actions. He’d never thought of fallen angels to be able to do good, but perhaps that was solely based on the stories he’d read of those who’d fallen. About his uncle, Lucifer, who’d ruled over Hell and demons. “You know, you’re nothing like the demons I’ve read about… If anything, you seem like a good person,” he admitted before he looked back at the ceiling, at the purple and blue lights. A smile appeared on his lips at the beautiful lights, reminding him of a similar view he’d seen in Heaven.  “Will you explain what seeing someone means?” he then asked, referring to what she'd said at the dinner table earlier.

She was the first person to see something in him that wasn’t based on who he used to be. He knew that his thoughts had been influenced by despair and self-loathe back in the forest, so whatever she’d seen, he was truly grateful for it. He sent her a warm smile before he followed her gaze to the ceiling that beautifully mimicked the night sky. He felt peaceful lying there next to her, listening to her voice and the rain outside. It felt exactly like a home should, warm and safe. Her touch felt like sparks on his skin, and he closed his eyes for a moment to take in the strange feeling. He understood her explanation of ‘seeing’ someone and what it entailed – that it was the beginning stages of a romantic relationship. He turned his head to look at her as she turned to her side, mentioning that people sometimes only wanted a physical relationship. It seemed so far from everything he’d grown up around. “It’s all so different from what I imagined,” he admitted, which of course could be because he still didn’t quite understand what love was, and the things he did know were based vastly on books. “So, sexual immorality is viewed as acceptable?” he asked, knowing how wrong it was according to the Bible.
He let her guide his hand so he could feel her heartbeat, sending her a faint smile as he'd always thought there was something beautiful about the poetry of the heart and its connection to love. “Emotions seem much more profound here in comparison to Heaven,” he said, looking into her eyes before he looked at his hand, moving it up to feel the skin on her neck. “You are allowed to get married as an angel, but most of us don’t because God and Heaven’s purpose far outweighs everything else... or so it feels like,” he said, slowly removing his hand from her neck. He couldn't be sure of how other angels felt, but it hadn't taken him long to realize that emotions worked differently here. “Have you ever been in love?” he asked, wondering what it felt like, to be devoted to another person like that.

Zachary had never been used to the idea of freedom or a life where you didn’t have to abide by the rules of Heaven. For that reason, it seemed foreign to him that people made choices that weren’t based on what he knew to be morally right. He narrowed his eyes at her next choice of words, not understanding how one had to test a relationship before getting married. He believed that it would feel nothing less than perfect regardless because destiny had made it so. Nevertheless, he understood where she was coming from. “I see,” he then said, looking from her to the ceiling again, wondering if he'd ever find the courage to go against the rules he used to abide to.
He turned his head to look at her as she answered him, thinking that it was sad that she felt that way. “I’m sorry,” he said, looking into her eyes with a sympathetic expression. “I may not be the best to give advice when it comes to love, but it sounds like you deserve better than him… to find someone you’d never doubt loving you,” he said, hoping that it made sense to her. He returned his eyes to the ceiling as she placed her head on his chest, making it feel like he was floating and running at the same time. A faint smile appeared on his lips by the feeling when she asked if he’d been in love. “No,” he answered. “There were a few angels who wanted to date me when I was younger, but I rejected them because it’s not what I wanted at the time. My dream was to become one of the greatest angels in history, to live up to my reputation and make my family proud,” he said, scoffing briefly at how stupid that sounded considering where he was now. “But now everything has changed,” he said, exhaling a breath before he looked down at her. “What are the things that you dream of?” he asked.

She was right about his dream having to adapt, but in his mind, there was nothing great about a fallen angel, and he’d certainly never live up to his family’s reputation, so it seemed easier to tell himself that it'd never happen and that those dreams were foolish at best. “You really think I could do good in this world?” he asked. He’d seen what evil he was capable of, and if he was a good person, then why would God have banished him in the first place? It seemed hopeless for him to dream of anything with what he'd become. He closed his eyes to try and close out his thoughts, trying to focus on the moment instead.
He listened to her as she explained her dream was to live safely. Zachary didn’t feel safe on Earth, and after what had happened to him, he didn’t know if he ever would. He’d always lived with the idea of never being completely safe because of who he was, but he’d never imagined what evil looked like until he'd been tortured by those demons. “Has anyone threatened your family?” he asked as he assumed that was why she'd said it. As she moved the arm around his torso, he felt strangely safe and comforted, making his lips curl into a smile. Zachary hoped that he’d live to see the world change as well. “If you could change one thing about the world, what would it be?” he asked as he looked at the colored lights above him. He turned his head to look at her face as she changed her position, moving his arm around her to place his hand on her back. “You’ve already made me very happy, Leta,” he said, looking into her eyes with a gentle smile. He didn’t think he deserved any of it, but for some reason, she thought that he did and he couldn't thank the Heavens enough for that.

He hadn’t considered the darkness in him to help in any way, especially because he was terrified of losing control again. He still felt incredibly guilty for having hurt innocent souls, and he didn’t understand why he had that kind of darkness in him to begin with. Zachary understood why their family was prone to receive threats, and how they didn’t fit in, but since he wanted to be a part of their group, he wanted to know if those threats were from anyone specific. He hadn’t heard stories of sweet vampires, only that they were dead creatures and that they didn’t belong on Earth amongst the living, but he already had the feeling that Willow was going to change his mind about that. “Family is there for each other, so if you ever get any threats, I’ll stand by you,” he said, smiling faintly as he looked at her. It felt like the least he could do after they’ve given him a place to stay.

He liked the idea of demons being able to do good, and that it was up to the individual to do good things, despite of who they were. He wanted his family and other angels to forgive him for the things he’d done, but he also feared that they’d disown him, so it was only natural that he wished for a world where he wouldn't have to fear that. He hoped for a world where evil and good wasn't as black and white as his family portrayed it to be. “I understand,” he said, sending her a gentle smile as he genuinely thought the world would be a much better place without all the hate, and that it oftentimes was based on ignorance, although he also understood that it was easier said than done to get past centuries of hostility.
She was wrong for thinking she hadn't done anything, and she was very humble for thinking so. “You’ve done more than I could’ve ever hoped for… you saw me for me and you’ve made me realize that no matter what there’s always hope for a better future,” he said, gently caressing her back as he felt like he belonged right here next to her. He still doubted what his future held for him, and if he was meant to become dark side, but at least she’d spiked some sort of hope in him that he hadn't had in a long time. “Yeah, I probably should,” he agreed, but as she walked away from the bed he felt empty again, not understanding how her touch was able to make him feel like it had. He got up from the bed as well, looking away from her back as he realized she was taking off her shirt. “No, it’s okay,” he answered, feeling his heart rate increased by the thought of her undressing near him, so he walked over to the dresser to look at the items on top of it. It was still strange to think he was safe enough to go to sleep, but his trust in Leta made him less anxious about it. He then turned around to look at her again. “Where is the guest mattress?” he asked. He would easily sleep on the floor as well, but a mattress seemed too good to pass out on after months of sleeping on concrete.

He looked to her side as she suggested for him to sleep on her bed, thinking that it was wrong of him to do so. She’d done so much for him, and he didn’t think he deserved that after the things he’d done, and knowing the rules of Heaven, it confused him more than anything that she thought he did. “Only if you're sure,” he said. He hadn't slept in a real bed in months, so nothing inside of him wanted to decline her offer. His heart skipped a beat as she leaned her head against his arm before he turned his head to look at the picture frames. He didn't know why she made him feel that way, but his emotions told him that it was purely good. “She’s beautiful,” he said, smiling faintly as he looked at the picture of her family. Then she asked if they had pictures of Heaven. “No,” he replied. He had seen photographs before, from angels showcasing what Earth looked like, but they didn’t own cameras in Heaven and he'd never actually thought about keeping memories like that. “We only have a painting of our family, but I don't have anything other than my memories to remind myself of them,” he added. He looked at her as she said she didn’t bite, sending her a brief smile as he couldn’t imagine her doing that to him to begin with. He followed her to the bed, laying down under the covers with her. He turned his head to her as she said no one would hurt him while she was there, and he instantly believed it. That together, nothing could harm any of them like it had in the past. “Thank you for everything, Leta,” he said, placing his hand on hers. He’d never been this close to anyone before, but it made him feel incredibly calm and content. He closed his eyes, feeling how exhausted he was since he hadn't gotten more than one or two hours of sleep the past nights. “Goodnight,” he whispered.

The next morning, the night terrors kicked in and he saw everything that had happened to him in the cage. How they'd ripped him apart piece by piece until the whole room was covered in blood. He had barely healed himself when one of the demons stabbed him through his heart. Zachary woke up with a pounding heart, immediately sitting up in the bed. He breathed heavily as he looked around the room to see if there were any threats around him. He then moved his gaze to Leta next to him, taking a deep breath in as he realized it'd been a nightmare and that he was in a safe place now.

His throat tightened when she asked him what was wrong, making it impossible for him to utter a word and what could he possibly say? As much as the horrific, gut-wrenching images haunted his mind, it was hard to explain the feelings that followed. The anxiety and despair he’d felt the moment those demons locked him up or the misery and abandonment that stayed with him for the rest of the time. He stopped breathing for a moment as she wrapped her arms around him as he hadn't been used to that reaction for a long time. He squeezed her hand tightly and closed his eyes to try and shut out his memories. He wanted to believe that it was alright, but nothing except for her made it seem that way. He slowed his breathing as she kept holding on to him, opening his eyes again as he tried to tell himself that it was indeed alright, and that they weren’t going to come looking for him. “Better,” he replied, looking at her as she leaned away from him, not understanding her ability to make him feel better. “How do you do that?” he asked, knowing that she probably couldn't give him an answer but he couldn't remember the last time anyone had made him feel that way.
He looked towards the door when someone knocked on it before Ethel entered the room. He narrowed his eyes as she’d called him her boyfriend, moving his gaze to Leta to see if it’d been meant as a joke. It seemed that way since she shook her head and went over to change her outfit. Zachary got out of bed and ran a hair through his hair to remove a lock from his forehead before he walked towards the dresser to look at himself in the mirror. “What chores is she talking about?” he asked as he looked back at Leta, curious to know more about her life.

He nodded when she explained what the chores entailed. He’d been used a tight schedule his whole life, and he'd trained to fight at an early age. However, he didn’t understand why violence was a necessary means of achieving anything, or why God hadn't prevented the angels from creating wars. It was yet another question he wanted to ask his grandfather, but after his experiences on Earth, he had the feeling that it would go unanswered.
Zachary followed Leta outside, greeting the family members he hadn’t seen. “Hi,” he said, looking at the fallen angel Leta had introduced him to, but it was clear to tell that he was afraid of him. He looked from Matty to Leta as she said some pure angels were after him, wondering what he’d done for them to chase him, and he realized that perhaps that was why he seemed scared. It was likely that they were still looking for him. He looked back at the angel as he mentioned knowing his father, stating that he was kind up until his fall, and he felt his stomach churn at this. He knew that his father had banished many angels from Heaven, and he’d never once questioned why, but after it had happened to himself, he'd started to doubt everything he'd once known. He exhaled sharply, looking at his eye with a saddened expression. “I’m sorry,” he said, knowing how persistent angels could be when they considered themselves to be on a mission from God. “Was my father one of the angels that were after you?” he asked, somewhere hoping that he wasn’t. He was anxious enough about what his family would think of him, and he was terrified of his father disowning him. That’s why it had been easier to avoid his family altogether. “How did you fall?” he asked, hoping that he was willing to share the story with him since he was a fallen angel as well.

He felt sad knowing that the soldiers had chased him, that they couldn’t just have let him be after his fall. But the thing that made him feel worse about it was that he’d done the same thing. He would have followed his father’s orders, believing that the angel in front of him had it coming. The story about his sister stirred something in him. An anger towards injustice. How could those angels have done that to his sister and gotten away with it? Even if they were higher-ranking angels, it didn’t look like his father to spare them from punishment. But Zachary didn’t know the full story. He didn’t know what had happened at that time or who it was that made the final decision. He liked to believe that there was order in Heaven, that there was a meaning behind every action, but looking at Matty, he felt strangely distanced from that belief. “My condolences for your loss, may God give her soul eternal peace,” he said, knowing how it felt to lose a sibling. He exhaled when he said he wished they’d ended him. He could relate to that feeling, not seeing what good living would do when he’d lost everything. And unlike him, he hadn't chosen to become fallen. He wished more than anything that he could take it all back. “Sometimes our punishment is to live with the remorse,” he said, looking at Matty with a sympathetic expression. He couldn’t possibly know what he’d been through, but he felt slightly comforted by the fact that they were here together. He turned his eyes to Leta as she spoke. She had a way of making people around her feel better despite their situation. He admired that about her. He wanted to heal Matty, make him recover completely, and regain his vision, but right now, he was afraid to use any of his abilities on others. Afraid to lose control again. “Do you often have to resort to violence in the work you do?” he asked. She'd said they trained to protect themselves, but with her father not sharing much about their operation, he wanted to know more about their tasks.