Joke's On You

Her heart had almost turned black once again, but she had accepted its fate. At least as long as she served a purpose in keeping Katerina safe, she mattered. Hope wasn't on more this afternoon, so she was just walking down one of the castle's many halls. A lot of security walked around, there was a big day coming up. Also a perfect time to plot a murder on any royals that might attend such gathering. Katerina was here already, her Queen. Hope had a list of all the invited for the event, she knew what faces to expect from the Queen of Leah Abyss to Moonlight Falls. People with stronger abilities than her, but with Katerina's charm - she was sure they wouldn't be a problem when the date of the event hit. There was only one single thing that could make her heart skip a beat, and that was one person who had left. She stopped when she spotted her in the hallway and took a sharp breath in. Hope tried not to care, but the little part of her heart that wasn't left in darkness beated so furious for her to feel it. Hope shook it off her like it was nothing, but it wasn't nothing, it was still screaming at her. She kept on going, but her feet stopped her from passing by Eudora and they almost glued themselves to the floor. "Fancy seeing you here," she said, it came of much colder than she wanted it to. It was the way with Hope, either there was love, hate or a middle ground - but she had never understood how to be natural about much in life.

It had been a pretty standard day up until now. She had made her usual rounds, gathering laundry and whatever cutlery people just seemed to hoard in their rooms. Finally it felt like she was belonging somewhere, like she was getting a hang of everything, and even though the language at times was a little strange, she liked it here. The only problem was that the voices hadn't stopped. She felt a little hopeless some days, hiding away in one of the many linen closets just to be able to focus on her own thoughts. Then a voice sounded, and as she turned, she saw that blonde hair that she could recognize anywhere. Her eyes moved over her face, and her heart was beating faster as she wanted to grab her, wrap her arms around her and hold her close. "Hope," she breathed out, almost as if she was in disbelief at what was happening right now.
The memory of how she had needed to leave Illien, how she needed to find out what was going on with herself, still stung. She had really cared for the demon, and she still did. The blonde would always have a place in her heart, she just knew it, but she was a bit scared to hear how cold she sounded. "How ... How have you been?" she asked in a soft whisper, wanting to reach out and take her hand, even though her hand wasn't hers to hold anymore. She had given up on that to figure out what she was. "I've missed you," she confessed in a sad voice.

The beating heart wanted to give a second chance but the head had locked it away from its chance. The sound of Eudora saying her name made her fists close for a few seconds, and she felt the tension entering her body. "Fine. Busy as always," she kept her reply short and tried not to tap into any sort of emotion. The heart was crying out, because it missed someone to keep it from getting cold. "And you, did you find what you were looking for?" The sentence was a mix of how much she actually cared and not wanted to care at all. Her expression and the tone in her voice didn't chance much. It was only the confession of Eudora saying that she had missed her, that made a glimpse of emotion shine through the light blue eyes. "Then you shouldn't have left," she replied and took a sharp breath in. It was selfish of her to say, because she wanted Eudora to grow. Everything was better for her than saying to close to Hope. She had never felt worthy of Eudora's love, but it didn't mean she didn¨t miss it like crazy sometimes. Hope took a deeper breath in, holding the eye contact with someone you cared for as you tried to convince them you didn't - was a struggle on its own. The longer her eyes remained locked with the banshee's, she felt her entire face loosen up the cold expression. "What kind of work do you do here?" she then asked, wondering what Eudora hoped to gain from staying here. If anything Hope understood the longing to have purpose somewhere. A job at a castle wasn't easy to get, the closer to the high borns the harder to get the job.

Eudora felt a little embarrassed, mostly because she was clearly in her working clothes. She couldn't pretend like she would ever hold as important of a position as Hope did for the Queen of Illien. When the question of finding what she was looking for, she looked down, fiddling a bit with her fingers, a thing she always did when she was nervous or feeling awkward. "Not yet," she said, feeling a pain in her chest at the thought. She had needed answers. Sure, she knew she was a banshee, but these voices and everything felt so real, and no one at home knew about it. She hadn't even told Hope what painful screams she sometimes heard, waking her up at night and disrupting her sleep.
Her cold voice, how she was handling herself, it reminded Eudora a lot about how Hope had used to act when they first met. Distant and emotionless, like a robot. The banshee had truly loved Hope, wanted to be with her, hell, they had even joked around, talking how they would get an apartment together and raise twenty dogs and cats. But it seemed like that funny Hope was gone, and left was the brutal one. Eudora really cared for the demon, they were soulmates in a way, but the timing hadn't been right. How could she love someone truly when she couldn't even accept herself for what she was? Of course Hope hadn't seen it that way, but by then it was too late.
"Laundry, cleaning, miscellaneous tasks ... Anthony helped me get a job here," she said. Hope had met Anthony a couple of times when he had come by for Christmas, but she wasn't sure if they actually had had a chance of talking together. "My guess is that you're here for Our Queen," she said, looking at Hope once more.

She gave Eudora a slightly nod as Eudora said Anthony had helped her get a job. Hope should be thankful for her not being unemployed or homeless for that matter. She crossed her arms and clenched her teeth a bit, not really knowing what do to with herself in this situation. However, something she could talk about was her their Queen. Hope had only worked in Illien for a handful of years, started with simple things after being saved from what people had believed to be a sleeping curse. No one knew Hope was born a witch, and staying in the Shadow world had changed her. "You guessed currently," she made another rather directly reply. "You know our Queen and our Princess, wanting to explore the different countries. And it is a good chance for alliances, but It's risky as well," she then confessed with a small sigh. Katerina didn't always make Hope's job easy, not because Hope was afraid of getting hurt - but she didn't want Katerina to get hurt or Norella. However, Katerina was more her responsibility than Norella - even through the Queen wanted her to do so, so she tried.  Gaia however had made Hope aware and given her plenty of reason to be worried about the safety.

Eudora didn't really like this side of Hope. Even though she understood that she was hurt, it didn't feel fair to make her feel less than, when she herself was hurting as well. She stood there, still fiddling as if it would help anything, but it wouldn't. It was just one of those things she did to calm her mind. The conversation shifted to that of the royals, but the banshee had never really met any of the royals. Even living at the castle and working there every single day, she hadn't met anyone with a title like that. At least, not as far as she was aware.
"You have your hands full then," she said, smiling hopefully at the demon. Closing her eyes she took a deep breath. What she wouldn't give to just be allowed to hug her again, but she knew Hope was too proud to even accept that offer. Did Hope even miss her that way? Did she still think of their late night talks in bed, when they both knew they should be sleeping, but the conversation was too good to just stop? "I'm still sorry," she said, wrapping her arms around herself. She wasn't trying to make this about herself, she had hurt the one good thing in her life to explore her own being. Was that selfish? That she needed to know more about herself before she could truly give herself away to someone? "I know you don't want to hear my apologies," she would interrupt if Hope was going to start anything. "I just ... I still do love you, alright, there's just something wrong with me and I need to figure that out," she said. "It's not fair to you to keep you trapped with someone like me,".

It seemed like many years ago now that Hope had let herself fully open up to someone. That someone had been Eudora, and even through it wasn't completely it was better than the dark place she had been before. "Don-" she mumbled and took a deeper breath in as Eudora interrupted her. Hope missed the time as a carefree witch, she had been so naive back then. Now she felt so lost in her own empty soul. Her jaw tensed up by the next sentence as Eudora spoke and she looked away. "I don't care. You do what you gotta do," it was a lie. She did care, but Hope was a somewhat good liar. Especially when it came to feelings, they were so easy to shut off, way to easy. "That is where you are so wrong. I was never good for you, you set yourself free," she lashed her arms out to the side. It was easier to push it all away from reach than to figure everything out. Hope had never given herself much chance to learn how to be a demon, but at the same time she never spoken of her issue. Perhaps it was one thing she felt a slight sense jealousy from, Eudora actually trying to learn more about herself.  "I've said it before, you deserve better than what you got. Now you have a chance to find it."

Eudora felt hurt, feeling her tears press on, looking down as she didn't want to show it. She wasn't quick to anger, she was more the crying type. Wether she was happy or sad, her tear canals wasted no time in their work schedule. Part of her knew that Hope was just lashing out, that she was trying to find a way to express her emotions, but why did it hurt so much? She fiddled more with her fingers, trying to take deep breaths to calm herself, but Hope kept speaking and it hurt so badly to even look at the demon. "Don't put yourself down like that," she said in a weak voice, looking back up at her. Her eyes were sad, a few tears showing, but none had made a run for it down her cheeks. "Please, just, take care of yourself - Have you been eating enough?" she asked, feeling a headache coming on. Her hand moved up to her forehead, rubbing the length of her nose a little as she squinted her eyes together. The voices were beginning again, and she felt that scared feeling once more. Her body shaking a little, taking a step away from Hope. It wasn't the demon's problem anymore, and Eudora didn't want her to worry.

A small snort left her as Eudora told her not to put herself down in that way. The blue eyes found their way back to the deep brown ones, and she looked at the damage she left. The already tensed jaw, seemed to tighten up even more just like her entire body. "I eat when I get time," she replied back not wanting Eudora to worry about her. Sleep and food wasn't the first priority of Hope's to do list, even if it should be. Hope narrowed her eyes a little, as Eudora moved her hand to her forehead. Something in her system warned her about something, it was one of the reason why Hope was good at her job. Because she was aware when something was about to go down. Hope frowned a bit but payed her full attention to Eudora, she looked almost pale, scared. She couldn't remember ever had seeing her look so terrified. "Hey," she reached out and grabbed the banshee's hand. "I got you.. okay?" The facial expression softened up a little bit, as her eyes locked themselves with Eudora's. "Talk to me, what is going on?" Perhaps it was because of this weird feeling of something bad was about to happen that worried the demon. Did Eudora feel the same thing as she did? Or was it something else?

Eudora felt like she was going crazy, her head pounding and the whispers being so loud. Perhaps she was just crazy, maybe she just needed to be locked away and forgotten about - That would be easier for everyone else. She felt Hope's hand in hers, but she couldn't stop her shakes. "Just ... A lot," she mumbled. She hadn't ever really been too talkative about the voices she heard, mostly because she felt like Hope would stamp her as mentally unstable. "I just need silence," she mumbled, closing her eyes harder shut, trying to ignore the pain that was running through her body. She mumbled to herself, words like that they needed to go away, that she couldn't do anything, that she was worthless once more.
Tears were starting to run down her cheeks, and she moved away from Hope, letting go of her hand before she started moving down the hall way. She needed to hide, she was like a hurt animal, wrapping her arms around herself. Opening a door, she went in to the room, not caring if it was vacant or not and walked to the closet. Stepping in to it, she closed the door before sitting down on the floor, crying in to her knees as she was shaking. The voices were mean, they didn't understand her, and it was just ear numbing to keep hearing them over and over, asking her for her help when she could give them none. "Just go away," she sobbed.

She moved away from her. Hope didn't blame her. It was how thing had ended, she had realized that before. But she hated seeing her crying, seeing the salty tears running down her cheeks. Hope watched her move down the hall, and looked at her going into another room. Hope closed her fist and hit the wall with a forced filled jab, then once more time. "Fuck," she hissed to herself and shook her head a little. Her knuckle was bleeding as the wall had ripped her flesh. A few from the staff looked at her, "just get going already," she ordred a bit aggressively. The staff moved scared pass her didn't look back. Hope took a sharp controlled breath in, and moved her eyes toward the way Eudora had went. She felt like a lost cause, and she didn't want to leave Eudora with tears down her cheeks and alone. Loneliness was the enemy in dark times, and just because she wasn't good at showing it. she knew what that was like, to be alone. Hope began to walk and stopped in front of the door. She was about to knock, and looked at her bruised hand. There was only air between her and the door, but she could hear the quite sobbing behind the door. "Let me come in Eudora. Please." It was about setting aside her pride just for now. She wasn't fond of letting go of that one thing that kept her from entering a hurricane of emotions, but she did. "Open the door," she said in the closest that came to a begging voice from Hope, it wasn't as emotional but it was clear she just wanted her to open the door. Hope wasn't the type to just break in, if Eudora didn't want her to come into the room, she couldn't. Privacy was one thing that Hope took very serious.

Eudora felt lost, the voices so loud and she just wanted them to go away. Things weren't always easy, she if any knew that, but why did she have to be burdened this much with those strange sounds and screams? She could hear Hope pleading, but if she was being honest, she didn't want the demon to see her like this. It was so far removed from the happy Eudora that she had been used to seeing. The banshee was always happy, never being annoyed or angry, but this sadness was something so deep within her and she didn't know what to do. She hugged her knees closer to her chest, feeling like she was about to pass out from hyperventilation. "Come ... In," she managed to muster through her sobs, however she wouldn't look up. She placed her hands over her ears, but she knew it wouldn't help. It never did.
"It ... So ... Loud," she cried, pressing her palms harder against her ears so that her knuckles turned white. She wanted it to stop, she wanted the silence that she liked so much, but it felt like the more she pushed it away, the stronger the voices echoed.

The second she was allowed inside, she opened the door. Hope closed it behind her and folded her lips slightly. It was a strange view, seeing her like this. Like something was trying to get into her head. It reminded her of being back in the Shadow world, all the shadows screaming, tearing her apart. Hope fell down on her knees in front of Eudora and her mind was racing in hopes of finding a solution. "Look at me Eudora, I need you to listen to me," she spoke rather harsh, but only to hopefully make her look. Hope didn't know much about banshees or for that matter other creatures. "What does it say, try to listen?" even with little knowledge about the species, Hope knew they were harbringers of death. She had once seen a banshee scream in the arena right before the slaughter happened. Before death happened. "I have an idea," she grabbed on to Eudora and used her abilities to travel in the shadows and moved them outside in the woods close to the castle. "Eudora, scream," she suggested before getting them both up and stepped back.

Eudora shook her head, she couldn't make sense of everything. "Too many," she pleaded. She knew she wasn't helping, but this was usually how she managed it; Alone and hiding. It was easier for everyone else if she just hid away in shame and waited for it to be over or for her to pass out. One thing she couldn't blame the demon for was being harsh with her words, it was perhaps the only reason why Eudora even could hear her.
Soon enough it felt like a chill surrounding her body, and as she opened her eyes, they were outside. She was helped to her feet, but she was still shaking terribly. Hope asked her to scream, but what would that help? It would just be more noise and she didn't know if she even could. The demon stepped away, and surprisingly the banshee managed to fill her lungs with air before letting out a loud scream. It wasn't as much of a scream as it sounded more like white noise to Eudora herself, though it was probably more loud to Hope.
Her arms fell down by her side, sitting down on her knees as she closed her eyes, fearing that the voices would return once more. However that was when she noticed the sound of the wind rustling up the trees around them. Her body relaxed as she felt a few more tears escape her eyes, but this time from relief. Sometimes the voices would go on for hours, and she felt like she could finally relax.

Hope was unsure if Eudora even would just let go and scream. It was an odd thing to ask someone to do, and there was still a chance it wouldn't work. But she hoped and that was for now the most she could do. Hope took a step further back and as the loud scream escaped from the banshee, the demon covered her ears. The pain in her ears from the loud noise was like a being burned. Hope let go of her head when she saw Eudora fall down to her knees. Her teeth clenched against each other and she wanted to comfort her, but how? How had their places just switched from a few minutes ago? Hope took a deep breath in before walking over next to Eudora, then she sat down and crossed her legs. She placed her hands behind her to support her, as she looked up to the clear blue sky. The scream had sent all the birds on their way. "You were right to go and I shouldn't be angry at you for just wanting to be you." she then said and took a deeper breath in. "It doesn't mean that it didn't suck. Still sucks." Hope didn't like there was something she couldn't protect Eudora from. She couldn't fight the voices in Eudoras's head, it was simply impossible - and she knew that.

Eudora felt so relieved, like a burden had just been lifted off of her body, but she was certain that they would return. And she didn't know if she would have the opportunity to just scream wherever she would be at that point. She heard Hope sitting down next to her, and she kept her gaze at the ground. Why wasn't the demon leaving? She had made it very clear that whatever they had had was gone now, and she still felt the hurt lingering in her heart. "I didn't leave you to be cruel ... I did it because I needed to know what all of this mess is," she said, looking up and at the trees. It was strange. Just a year ago they would've held hands now, walking through a park near the royal castle in Illien, but that seemed so far away. "I wanted to give myself a chance so that one day in the future, we might have a real shot if we feel like it," she said softly. She knew that she loved Hope, even now, but that love wasn't enough for a relationship to work. "And you're right, it sucks ... Because every night I still feel like I'm missing you, missing what we had and how we used to talk on the phone every night before going to sleep," she said.

Hope had missed feeling like she had a chance of a real future. The only purpose she gave herself in life was to take care of Katerina, like it was the only thing left that could redeem her for the things she had done. Hope took a deep breath in, and closed her eyes for a few seconds. The future was so far away from her vision. Hope lived in the here and now. She tried hard not to love Eudora, but how could she not? But she couldn't take the hurt of losing someone. Because she knew, she could never just be friends with the banshee. Even if they wanted to, it was way to hard for her. "Cruel is the only thing I know how to be right now," she said holding her breath and opened her eyes. Her jaw tensed as Eudora confessed she once again that she missed her. "I can't," she breathed out almost defeated. "I don't function like that," she got up on her feet and ran her hands through the blond hair. "If I'm not with you, then I'm nothing. And that's okay. I can live with that, but I can't live with the feeling of you saying you miss me - but chose to leave without me," she lashed out once again and wished she wasn't filled with such anger. It was the demon in her that was brutal and cruel, but she had always been like that. The arena had made her like that. "I can like in a what if, I live in the present not in the future." She looked into the forest and her mind wandered. She thought about the arena, if the people still were trapped there like she had been. Hope had found a way out and like a selfish coward, she ran away, keeping them locked away. "You think the voices in your head is bad.. Gaia has a way of making you wish you never placed your feet in the country in the first place," she said almost like a warning.

Maybe it was cruel in it of itself to bring up what Hope actually meant to her. What she still felt about the demon. Hope had been her first real love, her first everything pretty much, and it just felt like saying goodbye to so many happy things. If she couldn't be in her life, then what was she supposed to do? Gritting her teeth she looked up at the demon as she got to her feet, she recognized the stressful way she ran her hand through her golden locks. Her warning was a little strange, but Hope had always been one for being cryptic. "I just thought you would understand why I need to do this," she said in a soft and sad voice before slowly moving to her feet. Biting the inside of her cheek she looked at the blonde, wanting so badly to reach out and hug her. "But it's always been all or nothing with you, hasn't it?" she asked, chuckling a bit as she looked down, sniffling a bit.
"I know you're mad, I know I let you down; But how do you expect me to love you when I can't even love myself?" she asked. Was that unreasonable? That she needed to know about herself before really settling down? Hope was always about extremes, but inside Eudora hoped that they some day could see eye to eye; That some day they could talk again and not be this hurt.

Hope had lost before, she had had something so pure and capable of lasting forever. Or she had thought so till she had been thrown in that arena. It was hard standing here looking at Eudora, and worst of it she actually understood why Eudora was doing this. Hope was born in Canada in a smaller town with not many witches, and she had done exactly what Eudora was going now. Moving to Gaia to find herself. But Hope's time here was a blur to her, despite that her heart knew she had lost someone. "I do understand, and that is what is making this so damn difficult," she hissed trying not to let her frustration out on Eudora, but she had never been good at dealing with this brutal nature. "Not always," Hope breathed out and looked up at the sky. It was this place, Gaia, filled her up with so many unwanted emotions and she just wanted them to shut off. "I have never loved myself Eudora," she looked over at Eudora, "but loving you almost made me forget what hating myself felt like," Hope confessed and lashed her arms out. The demon knew she wasn't the easiest person to get to know, and there were still so many things that Eudora didn't know about her. But she still felt like the banshee knew her soul. Hope had always wondered what Eudora had seen in her, maybe the same thing Katerina had seen the day she gave her a second chance.

Eudora felt like this was going nowhere, but the sad part was that she needed it to just go in circles, because it kept Hope right here with her. It was a horribly selfish thought, but then the confession came. She felt tears rushing to her eyes, looking at the blonde demon as she lashed out once more. Taking a step closer, she wrapped her arms around her, even if Hope didn't want it. She held her tight, just holding her and letting her feel that she was there for her. "No matter where you are ... Or what you do ... I'll always love you, Hope, even though you don't want to hear it," she whispered. Holding her close felt like home, it felt like she had returned to something long lost, and it made her happy. "But I want us both to get better, I want us to grow, and we can't do that if we are holding each other down," she said, a single tear running down her cheek as she gave Hope a soft squeeze before letting go. She knew she had overstepped, and if the demon never wanted to see her again, she would understand. Taking a step back, she gave the demon back her personal space, but her eyes was locked on those clear blue eyes.

Hope didn't want her close, she didn't want to feel the warm skin against hers. Not anymore. It was to cruel. But she couldn't push Eudora away either, even through she held her emotions locked behind the heavy door. Eudora kept pushing, as if it was her job to break the door open. Eudora held her tight, and Hope knew she could have ended it quicker than anything else, but she didn't. "Then go," she said and threw a hand out to the side as she took a deep exhausted breath in. "But do me one favor," Hope crossed her arms once again, like it was supposed to protect her from something. "Don't let this country turn you into someone you are not," she added looking more serious at her than she had in a long time. Gaia wasn't as great a place as people thought, or maybe it was just Hope who was paranoid. Maybe time had changed this place into something better, brighter. It would take more than a few visits to convince her.